As some might have noticed, I have not been here for the last few days. So, this is both an update and I suppose you could also call it a rant. So, I suppose I will have to go a bit back to lead up to recent events.
As not many of you know, I have a four year old daughter. My little ball of sunshine as I always call her. Me and her dad broke up about a year ago, after four years of both mental and sexual abuse and it took me a while to get myself the courage to get out of the relationship. About two years before I ended the relationship, I had been getting four to five hours top a sleep at night, which turned to no sleep at all after I broke up with him. Everything sort of sank in and I would be awake for three to four days, and then get a half an hour of sleep and the circle would repeat. In the end, I saw no end to it and started this year with what I would like to call a big bang. I was admitted to the hospital for about two weeks, where I was diagnosed back and forth before I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder)
But, no matter how he treated me or what he did, he was still a good father. Till the 25th November, my daughter told me something I never believed I would hear. She told me that her dad put a candle inside of her. She is only four years old, and it is rather hard for kids to make something like this up, so the first thing I did was make a few phone calls before going to the children's hospital for a check up. They told me since it had been more then 24 hours from when it could have possibly happened, that this check up would not be able to tell much. Then, last friday, we had an appointment with a child therapist and not much came out of that that could state that he was innocent.
Then came the hard part of that day, it was his day to pick her up from preschool and child service told me that they did not have enough in their hands to stop him from getting her. They called him and told him what was going on, and then I got a very angry phone call from him (understandable, yes, guilty or innocent.) And I just outright told him no, that he was not getting her since I could not put her in a place I was not fully sure was safe for my daughter. So, she will be staying with me till she goes through a full medical check up, which is next week.
Now, it seems last monday, his mom called child service to say that I was neglecting my daughter and that my apartment was messy and dirty. Which, nether of which is true. Sure, I sometimes wait with the dishes till morning, or mop the floor the next day, but I do regularly clean and I don't think there is anything wrong that it looks like someone actually lives here.
So yes, the last few days have been, lightly speaking, hard on my end. But, I'm not going to only speak about the bad things that happened. Last week I got a call, that -The- Gender therapist in my area will be giving me a call hopefully before Christmas. This guy is pretty well known here, goes on talk shows here, and so forth. So, there was at least one plus here last week.
Now, I just take everything one day at a time. Don't plan too much and just try hard not to go on auto pilot and trying to get my sleeping schedule back to a good one. It's very likely I will not be popping on too much the next few days as well, but I thought I would give you all an update and I suppose get the last few days properly out of my system as well.
But, as a good saying goes. The show must go on.
My first question is whether you have any sort of support system, in terms of family or friends.
I have heard about these sorts of custodial disputes, and they can get really ugly. Be careful, for your sake and your daughter's sake.
Quote from: Jamie D on December 05, 2013, 01:40:27 AM
My first question is whether you have any sort of support system, in terms of family or friends.
I have heard about these sorts of custodial disputes, and they can get really ugly. Be careful, for your sake and your daughter's sake.
I have my sister, but I don't want to put too much on her since she is only seventeen but I have also spoken to my brother and dad, and I think I might have support from them.
And yeah, custodial disputes can get ugly and was not my plan with all of this. We had planned shared custody, but I don't think that is possible at this point. Especially if he did anything to my daughter he should not have, then I will make sure he will never see his daughter again.
Rawrs... Sorry for my rant here, and I just seem to rant more... *ruffles hair*
You are a parent. You are doing what good parents do - protecting you child. That's not ranting.
Document e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g
Your ex sounds like a horrible, horrid person. I'm so sorry that you and your daughter have to endure this.
Be careful, he could come back for you and hurt you for this, play it safe, but most importantly, help your poor little girl.
Thanks Jamie, it means very much to hear that I am doing the right thing.
And I have been in the last few days, well, at least taken a note of where to go if I need a copy of the documents that have been formed the last ten days since there is now the possibility of child abuse. I'm at least hoping that if it is the case that I caught on early enough.... Even thinking that it's possible to do something like this to a four year old makes me want to puke... It does not really help me believe that he is possibly innocent with the stunts he has been pulling since friday, but I suppose everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Quote from: Willow on December 05, 2013, 10:48:18 AM
Your ex sounds like a horrible, horrid person. I'm so sorry that you and your daughter have to endure this.
Be careful, he could come back for you and hurt you for this, play it safe, but most importantly, help your poor little girl.
To most who know him, he is a great guy... I just sadly seemed to have been the target for a lot of abuse. His mother is the same. Though, she seems to be a saint in most peoples eyes. A midwife working at a children's hospital but with a tongue of poison to a few. I'm trying to play it safe as much as I can and working things out as calmly as I possibly can as well... But, I'm not going to be scared of him anymore, or well try to....
But, I'm not going to let my fear come in the way of my daughters safety, that is what is what is most important.
If they examined her, they should be able to tell if her hymen has been torn or not. They also should be able to tell if there has been any penetration.
She is not old enough to make up stories about being touch. Also watch her behavior. If she has changed, like being afraid of men suddenly, it could be a sign.
I hope things turn out to be nothing, but you never know.
I don't have much to say, but do have hugs.
*GREAT BIG BEAR HUG*
Thanks everyone, even though its through the internet, it is great to have the support here. So, in about ten hours I will be taking my daughter for a check up and I am getting more nervous the closer it gets, but at the same time I am feeling the relief that I will know if something happened or not. It's a strange combination if I say so myself.
I don't know what to say. I'm not religious but I pray that he didn't do it. If he did, I won't say what I'd do if I ever got my hands on him. I'll be thinking of you and your daughter over the next couple of days. No matter what the outcome is, myself and the rest of Susan's are always here for you. I'm a message away, you don't have to ask.
Rawrs. I would have replied to this earlier, but I've been having issues with my laptop. I agree with everyone else though, you are doing the right thing. You are taking this head on and keeping him away from her despite him, I commend you for that.
It seems like a lot of abusive people are good at posing a positive outward appearance. They can be very charismatic when they want to be. And yet they are always the most abusive to the people they are closest to. It's also seems typical that they try to turn the tides on their victim(s). I wish you didn't have to deal with someone like that. :P
Whatever happens, you know we're all here to support you. And you know you can message me anytime if you wanna talk. You are strong and capable, and your daughter is very lucky to have you to protect her and fight for her. You're a good parent, Dalex. A really good parent. Keep your chin up, my friend. And keep them boxing gloves on...! :icon_boxing:
I don't know what to do...
Yesterday we went to the check up, and there I was told there was nothing that they could say 100% certain a yes or a no if something happened... So, child service has now just told me to suck it up and bare with it.... She is now with her dad, but I will be seeing her on Saturday....
If something really did happen I have now officially failed as a parent...
Actually you did not fail. You did everything correct. Just because they can not prove anything happened, it is still on record. Just keep notes about anything she says happened, and get her checked out ASAP.
Wow, what a horrible situation. Whether it happened or not, it's a horrible position to be in, not knowing. How ambiguous was her statement? Did she actually say he put it in a certain place? You said you experienced sexual abuse from him - does this sound like something he would do?
At least if he did do it, he's aware he's been found out and hopefully will be too afraid to do anything else. Does he drink?
Has there been anything else suspicious?
And like Ms. OBrien CVT said, don't feel like you've failed. You acted at the first sign something might be wrong and there's much you can do but comply with the court, short of taking off with her which would make things worse.
Keep us posted.
Quote from: FA on December 12, 2013, 12:37:13 PM
Wow, what a horrible situation. Whether it happened or not, it's a horrible position to be in, not knowing. How ambiguous was her statement? Did she actually say he put it in a certain place? You said you experienced sexual abuse from him - does this sound like something he would do?
At least if he did do it, he's aware he's been found out and hopefully will be too afraid to do anything else. Does he drink?
Has there been anything else suspicious?
And like Ms. OBrien CVT said, don't feel like you've failed. You acted at the first sign something might be wrong and there's much you can do but comply with the court, short of taking off with her which would make things worse.
Keep us posted.
My daughter told me that he had placed it inside of her, and she even gestured so with her hand. As for the question if he would do something like this... I can't fully say no, since I know from personal experience that it comes from the people you least expect. Before she told me this, I would have said no. Even though what he did to me, I never would have believed he would do something like this to his own child. He does not drink very often since he can tend to become a rather angry drunk.
Quote from: Ms. OBrien CVT on December 12, 2013, 11:47:32 AM
Actually you did not fail. You did everything correct. Just because they can not prove anything happened, it is still on record. Just keep notes about anything she says happened, and get her checked out ASAP.
Oh, I will... If anything new comes up or if she tells me more...
I have not been fishing information from my daughter, I leave it to her to open the conversation herself and then I try to respond in the calmest manner I can. And each time, I thank her for telling me and if anyone hurts her its alright to tell me since I will protect her.
I apologize for my chaotic response, it seems I have managed to get myself a very high fever and my nerves seem to shoot through the roof when I think about the fact that she is now with her dad while I'm uncertain that she is safe there...
<sigh> never having been in this situation and not having a child, not sure I can help except to say that the title of this thread fits - Re: I'm a lion hear me roar... Rawrs....
You're a lion protecting your cub. I pray she's safe right now.
I have no sympathy for sexual offenders and pedophiles are at the top of my list, I also hope and pray for your daughter's safety
We are all here with you
You are doing right! She is your daughter so the options are:1) believe her 2) don't believe her. I really can't imagine this is something a four-year-old COULD make up, and the potential damage from not responding to this could be far greater than giving it your attention.
YES document everything. That is the best advice. Take photos of your place, keep it extra tidy and beyond reproach. Think through before you do anything...think how you don't ever want to provide any ammunition. DO NOT confide anything to that mother she sounds like she'd sell you out in a moment. An attorney would even tell you to be careful with whom you speak about this in general.
I am sorry to hear about this, and I can't imagine hearing that from my child, but until this is straightened out you ARE doing the right thing and I would be doing the same!
This is horrible news. I'm so sorry. There is not a lower class of being in the world than one that abuses children.
You put your child above all things, the mark of a real man. You have all my prayers, Aidan.
much love,
-maggie
I have no idea what I can say other then, thank you everyone. These past few days have been more then stressful, and I think that stress might have led to the fever that I still cant seem to get over. All I do is worry and hope that she is safe till next Friday and I'm not sure how to handle each day. I suppose the fever is helping me sleep at least, but I wish Friday would come sooner.
I think I might see about getting in contact with a lawyer to see about getting full custody and how I could work around a payment plan or see if there are any good government lawyers that I only need to pay a small percentage.
It's been hard... I called for a few days and asked if I could speak to her, but he told me she didn't want to talk to me on the phone... I'm not sure if he is lying, or what, but that is something that is new.
Quote from: Dalex on December 16, 2013, 04:13:14 PM
I have no idea what I can say other then, thank you everyone. These past few days have been more then stressful, and I think that stress might have led to the fever that I still cant seem to get over. All I do is worry and hope that she is safe till next Friday and I'm not sure how to handle each day. I suppose the fever is helping me sleep at least, but I wish Friday would come sooner.
I think I might see about getting in contact with a lawyer to see about getting full custody and how I could work around a payment plan or see if there are any good government lawyers that I only need to pay a small percentage.
It's been hard... I called for a few days and asked if I could speak to her, but he told me she didn't want to talk to me on the phone... I'm not sure if he is lying, or what, but that is something that is new.
Thanks for checking in, Dalex. God, this is awful. I can't imagine the worry you're going through. I pray that if he is guilty, the fear of being caught stops him from doing anything. Awful that he won't put her on the phone. God. I'll be praying for your daughter's safety. We're with you.
Quote from: Dalex on December 16, 2013, 04:13:14 PM
It's been hard... I called for a few days and asked if I could speak to her, but he told me she didn't want to talk to me on the phone... I'm not sure if he is lying, or what, but that is something that is new.
Record it. I hope your daughter is safe and I am glad she has you.
Alright, another update. Just got a call from child service and it seems my ex has called in yet again. Really, does he think he is helping himself here? He is acting so childish and it just seems like he is trying to work me up til I explode. Well, depending on how things go, I'll know on Friday what he or his mother have made up this time. But on that note, I think I will make a call tomorrow and go for full custody. If he really was innocent, he would not be acting like this.
Quote from: Dalex on December 18, 2013, 11:44:08 AM
Alright, another update. Just got a call from child service and it seems my ex has called in yet again. Really, does he think he is helping himself here? He is acting so childish and it just seems like he is trying to work me up til I explode. Well, depending on how things go, I'll know on Friday what he or his mother have made up this time. But on that note, I think I will make a call tomorrow and go for full custody. If he really was innocent, he would not be acting like this.
What's he calling in about? Making counter accusations?
Quote from: FA on December 18, 2013, 11:55:19 AM
What's he calling in about? Making counter accusations?
Yup. Him and his mother have called in and accused me of neglecting my daughter a week after I took my daughter to the hospital, spoke to a police officer and child service. I'm not worried since my daughter is my everything and I know I dont neglect her. Just feel hurt and angry that he would accuse me of something like this to try to spite me for acting and listening to what my daughter told me about what her dad did to her. She has even used the words that her dad hurt her down there.
Quote from: Dalex on December 18, 2013, 12:18:30 PM
She has even used the words that her dad hurt her down there.
The word 'hurt' is less ambiguous. :(
Sounds like they're trying some damage control. Was she checked out physically?
Quote from: FA on December 18, 2013, 12:27:14 PM
The word 'hurt' is less ambiguous. :(
Sounds like they're trying some damage control. Was she checked out physically?
She was and they were not able to see if somethinga had happened or not, since everything was so unclear in the check up. That it now came down to her story snd such. They had one meeting with here where she talked around everything and thay she had been rather unclear. So, her one visit is what they look at.
The child service system here is not the worst, but there are a lot of things they should improve on. Starting with a lot of the people working there.
I highly doubt your daughter expressed that she didn't want to talk to you. It sounds to me like hes angry and trying to get back at you in any petty way he can.
He's just digging his own hole the more he throws around false accusations.
I hate to say this, but I think you are right. These don't sound like the actions of an innocent man.
Yep be sure to let him dig his own grave! I'm sure the child protection people see that kind of behaviour all the time. Besides they are going to side with the mother of a child most of the time. Also I doubt any of his false accusations carry the weight of an accusation brought forth by the child herself.
Emphasized again like everyone says: document it all. Every accusation, every lie.
Separation is never pretty is it? Sorry to hear your going through such a rough patch, and he really is acting waaayy too extreme if, as has been said, he was truly innocent. I feel the most for your daughter being in between everything, and I hope that custody thing goes well D:
Quote from: Lavender on December 19, 2013, 06:15:34 PM
Separation is never pretty is it? Sorry to hear your going through such a rough patch, and he really is acting waaayy too extreme if, as has been said, he was truly innocent. I feel the most for your daughter being in between everything, and I hope that custody thing goes well D:
You are right, it has been a rather messy year after I told him to pack his things and leave. And I have tried very hard to let everything go as little on my daughter as I possibly could. And thank you Lavender.
Quote from: MiaOhMya! on December 19, 2013, 04:23:23 AM
Yep be sure to let him dig his own grave! I'm sure the child protection people see that kind of behaviour all the time. Besides they are going to side with the mother of a child most of the time. Also I doubt any of his false accusations carry the weight of an accusation brought forth by the child herself.
Emphasized again like everyone says: document it all. Every accusation, every lie.
Yes, I have not been calling him on any of the false accusations. Just taken a note of it and documented it like all of you have recomended I should do.
Quote from: Kaiden Liam on December 18, 2013, 10:49:59 PM
I highly doubt your daughter expressed that she didn't want to talk to you. It sounds to me like hes angry and trying to get back at you in any petty way he can.
He's just digging his own hole the more he throws around false accusations.
I hate to say this, but I think you are right. These don't sound like the actions of an innocent man.
When I finally managed to get her on the phone, one of the first things she said was that she wanted to come to be and he tried to cut my time with her as short as he possibly could.
So, now for the most recent update. My plan is to a therapist I know of that does, what she likes to call, play therapy. It is still uncertain if what she said her father did was one of those innocent child lies, but ether way it is clear that there is something that is on my kids mind that is hurting her. My top priority is that my daughter is healthy, happy and safe. I just hope I am doing everything right.
Hey everyone, I thought I would use my old thread here to write up an update instead of making a new thread.
My laptop broke down in the start of December and then last month I had to cut my internet. Things have not been going all to well on my end here. I'm loosing my apartment and I don't know when, child service decided to close down my daughters case cause it seems my ex managed to convince them that I'm just over reacting since the two of us don't get along, which is bull->-bleeped-<-...
I feel like I'm loosing from my hands here and it just seems harder and harder to fight everything like this. But, I know I have to. What is the most important is my daughters safety, and after recent events and news from doctors, it clearly isn't so. I spent all of last week telling my daughter I loved her over and over again, and she always replied "No, dad says you don't love me...." It took me four days for me to convince her other wise... I told her that if he would every say something like that again, that he was lying and that I love her very much. And then I got a call from child service telling me that her hymen has been slightly torn. Yet, the one who is in charge of the case is still going to close down the case.
On top of all of this my dysorphia and PTSD has been going through the roof and when I think about that, I just feel like I'm being selfish and that I need to push my issues to the side. I just wish I knew just what it is I need to and how to do everything.
Sorry I don't know what to say that could help. I am sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I wish child services would do something to help you protect your daughter. Is it possible to take this to court?
It's not selfish. Stress has a tendency to bring other issues to the forefront. I know it's not much, but *GREAT BIG BEAR HUG*
*Accepts the GREAT BIG BEAR HUG*
Thanks Edge, and as for taking this to court? I'm going to see next week if that is possible and if yes, I'm going full on and I'll mop the floor with his face if I have to. The mental break down can wait till I have everything taken care of :P But I am trying to keep myself sane by every now and then doing something to occupy my mind for at least an hour or two.
Good luck. I hope it goes in your and your daughter's favour. It should.
I am at work do I do not have a lot of time, but I think that whenever there are allegations like this it is better for everyone involved to get a "checkup". It clearly defines things and removes any doubts that would muddy the circumstances in which one might get help.
Quote from: thevaliantx on February 19, 2014, 09:02:55 PM
I am at work do I do not have a lot of time, but I think that whenever there are allegations like this it is better for everyone involved to get a "checkup". It clearly defines things and removes any doubts that would muddy the circumstances in which one might get help.
I have had a few visits since this all came up and me and my home has been checked out and I will be getting visits the next few weeks, and I don't mind at all. But, he had not received one visit and has gone to one meeting and talked to them on the phone. So, I have no idea what I should think of child service here in Iceland at the moment, or perhaps about the woman that was on our case. Case closed due to lack of information that can confirm if something happened or not, or so I was told.