I had dinner with a friend over the weekend, and we were talking about me thinking about entering the world of dating. I met my ex at university when I was in my 20s and presenting uber-male. I present mixed gender non-binary now, am on HRT, and uncertain where on the spectrum I will end. Some days I am really butch, and some days not so much. I am attracted to women - preferably those in their 30s and 40s - given I just celebrated my 42nd birthday.
She was telling me online dating has been a disaster for her (also mtf, and very passable - which I never will) -- resulting in a mix of mean people, those who just want sex, and people who didn't read her ad all the way (she discloses up front). She did say that of all the dating sites, probably OKCupid had the most normal people. However, she said I should go back to university and see who I meet, even at my older age. Her rationale is the people are more progressive, and they will get to know me better.
Has anyone been successful with any kind of dating for long term relationships? How did you meet them, and did you disclose you were trans*? I am terrified of dating, and was with my ex for so long that I don't even know how to do it anymore, but want to start soon.
Thanks for sharing thoughts!
Toni
I met my BF on June 5 the day after my 31 birthday. I was just happy and smiling walking down the street and he came up and talked to me. I had only been on HRT for three months then but I guess it was enough. Hmm, I disclosed that night but I'm a pretty good judge of character but mainly I just got lucky. Sooooooo lucky.
I don't know about your area but there are some meetup social groups here for LBT women. They go to concerts, movies, have pot luck dinners, etc. The group here is accepting of trans women. It's a good way to meet other women whether for friends or more.
In Chicago there is a big community center with all types of groups plus quite a stretch of area of bars for lgbt.
I have met a lot of dates just walking around, or going to clubs. But, the two relationships I have had that lasted more than a couple of months were people I met on OKCupid. On there, I fully disclose that I am pre-op, in fact, me being trans is in my profile name. If you go that route, you will have to learn to weed through the creeps. Also, OKC has settings that allow you to filter out straight people so that they can't even see your profile. It helps a lot!
Yes I have advice that many would not agree with. If your pre op you should be spending the time doing all the work you can on becoming the person your going to be. Prior to SRS your still working on one of the most difficult things a person could go through and your not finished with that task.
After you have srs then start dating. If nothing else it will spare you from dating some really creepy men.
Sure you might get lucky but then you could also win the lotto if you play. I don't play the lottery.
Katie
Quote from: Brooke777 on December 10, 2013, 12:27:16 PM
I have met a lot of dates just walking around, or going to clubs. But, the two relationships I have had that lasted more than a couple of months were people I met on OKCupid. On there, I fully disclose that I am pre-op, in fact, me being trans is in my profile name. If you go that route, you will have to learn to weed through the creeps. Also, OKC has settings that allow you to filter out straight people so that they can't even see your profile. It helps a lot!
Yeah I tried that too I was getting so many creepy guys that I just closed my account and started reconsidering dating women again. (Thank god I'm bi) But I've dealt with enough ->-bleeped-<-s that it has made extremely mistrustful of men in general now. :-\
Umm correct this is a transgender site. On the other hand this specific forum is for the transsexual. Now the definition of a transsexual is someone that desires to get srs if you don't believe me you can look it up.
I never said that trans people need srs. Just transsexuals...........
Katie
Quote from: Orange Creamsicle on December 10, 2013, 01:13:16 PM
Katie, not everyone on this site is planning on getting SRS. Please stop assuming this and making it sound like you can't have a life without it. It's hurtful and while maybe it was your experience but that doesn't mean you should spread the pessimism around.
You don't need SRS to be happy, in fact I know of a few who were happier before having it and actually regret being pressured into thinking they needed it.
Gotta agree with this.
Quote from: Katie on December 10, 2013, 01:24:18 PM
Umm correct this is a transgender site. On the other hand this specific forum is for the transsexual. Now the definition of a transsexual is someone that desires to get srs.
I never said that trans people need srs. Just transsexuals...........
Katie
Note the key word "generally"
Transsexual: a person who is mentally one gender, but has the body of the other. They desire to live and be accepted as a member of the mental gender, this is generally accompanied by the strong desire to make their body as congruent as possible with the preferred sex through surgery and hormone treatments.
Quote from: Heather on December 10, 2013, 01:08:06 PM
Yeah I tried that too I was getting so many creepy guys that I just closed my account and started reconsidering dating women again. (Thank god I'm bi) But I've dealt with enough ->-bleeped-<-s that it has made extremely mistrustful of men in general now. :-\
Oh yeah, there are a lot of ->-bleeped-<-s out there. I actually put in my profile to not contact me if you are a ->-bleeped-<-, and that I am not interested in sex before marriage. The last part is entirely untrue, but it does help weed out the creeps. I have also found there to be as many female ->-bleeped-<-s as male ->-bleeped-<-s. The women are a bit harder to spot in my opinion.
Quote from: Katie on December 10, 2013, 01:07:15 PM
Yes I have advice that many would not agree with. If your pre op you should be spending the time doing all the work you can on becoming the person your going to be. Prior to SRS your still working on one of the most difficult things a person could go through and your not finished with that task.
After you have srs then start dating. If nothing else it will spare you from dating some really creepy men.
Sure you might get lucky but then you could also win the lotto if you play. I don't play the lottery.
Katie
On YouTube, I've seen many pre-op transwomen who have had success engaging a relationship with a man. Yes, most men who want sex are ->-bleeped-<-s but not all of them.
Quote from: Urban Christina on December 10, 2013, 02:25:49 PM
On YouTube, I've seen many pre-op transwomen who have had success engaging a relationship with a man. Yes, most men who want sex are ->-bleeped-<-s but not all of them.
My bf is not a ->-bleeped-<-, by any means. He is a really sweet guy who actually made me wait for sex.
Quote from: Brooke777 on December 10, 2013, 02:29:53 PM
My bf is not a ->-bleeped-<-, by any means. He is a really sweet guy who actually made me wait for sex.
You got so lucky! Embrace and cherish it while you can :)
I've never been in any long term relationships. A date or two here or there, but nothing much.
I plan to start using OK Cupid next September, when I've made more progress in my transition. I'm much more of an online person and like how Cupid works.
The only advice I can imagine is to be confident.
Quote from: Brooke777 on December 10, 2013, 12:27:16 PM
I have met a lot of dates just walking around, or going to clubs. But, the two relationships I have had that lasted more than a couple of months were people I met on OKCupid. On there, I fully disclose that I am pre-op, in fact, me being trans is in my profile name. If you go that route, you will have to learn to weed through the creeps. Also, OKC has settings that allow you to filter out straight people so that they can't even see your profile. It helps a lot!
From what I can recall of that site, you can answer a question along the lines of 'Would you date a transgender person' and choose to be hidden from those who answer 'no'. There's a
lot of questions on there that require some weeding out, such as the awfully patriarchal 'Do you think women have the obligation to keep their legs shaved?'.
Quote from: Michaela J. on December 10, 2013, 03:06:12 PM
From what I can recall of that site, you can answer a question along the lines of 'Would you date a transgender person' and choose to be hidden from those who answer 'no'. There's a lot of questions on there that require some weeding out, such as the awfully patriarchal 'Do you think women have the obligation to keep their legs shaved?'.
There are a lot of questions that you can answer, which you rate as to which answers you will accept from someone else. However, you do not get hidden from those who answer in a way that in unacceptable to you. Yes, there are some rather...interesting questions on there. But I find them to be a good indication of someones personality.
Quote from: Brooke777 on December 10, 2013, 03:23:44 PM
There are a lot of questions that you can answer, which you rate as to which answers you will accept from someone else. However, you do not get hidden from those who answer in a way that in unacceptable to you. Yes, there are some rather...interesting questions on there. But I find them to be a good indication of someones personality.
Oh me too. As I say, it is extremely useful in not only matching but also thinning down those that you want to avoid. There's some coding about that can help to flag/filter some of the more, er, predatory (?) answers.
I think love comes when u least expect it...i wasnt even trying to get involved with anyone but we just started talking and then we went back to his house and then i slept over and now we live together. who knew? I didn't even expect him to ever text me after the first night but then all this stuff happened and it was just like fate. It's by far one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
I dont know about OkCupid but i never really liked dating sites as im more of a get to know you in person type of person
Quote from: Orange Creamsicle on December 10, 2013, 01:13:16 PM
Katie, not everyone on this site is planning on getting SRS. Please stop assuming this and making it sound like you can't have a life without it. It's hurtful .....
Actually, you're the one making assumptions.
Look closely...
Quote from: Katie on December 10, 2013, 01:07:15 PM
Yes I have advice that many would not agree with. If you're pre-op, you should be spending the time doing all the work...
She clearly said "if you're pre-op"
IF YOU'RE PRE-OPIf you're pre-op, it means you intend on having an operation....
If you don't intend on having an operation, then her advice doesn't apply to you.
Isn't English fun?
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fweknowmemes.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F04%2F60s-spiderman-lol-im-not-even-reading.jpg&hash=67934d3ceafde8a5304f10fa1bc21ee455842ea1)
Yeah, almost as much fun as smarmy posts. Be careful, Isabelle, if you look carefully at the quoted posts, Katie has made some changes on the fly. Hugs, Devlyn
If someone is non-op, her advice doesn't apply. I'm not even saying I agree with her. But her point is her opinion. An opinion that was asked for.
Though this is fun...I would like to get back on topic.
I have also found it is very helpful to take risks. Not super crazy risks, but small ones. If someone talks to you, talk back. If someone actually makes an effort to connect with you, make that effort back. With this tactic you might get hurt, or you might find the love of your life.
Hurtful to whom and how?
Quote from: Orange Creamsicle on December 10, 2013, 05:33:56 PM
Ummm it doesn't matter if she was only talking to people who plan on getting SRS, she's saying that you shouldn't bother dating without it. How does that sound to someone who is non-op? Hurtful and pessimistic. I'm sorry but if you are saying preop women should wait to date, essentially you are saying non-op women should never date.
I think you're reading way too much into her posts and assuming things that aren't there. And you know what they say about assuming: you make an a$$ out U and Me lol
She is saying that dating is time and energy consuming and that pre-op women should focus their energy. I'm dating and I can tell ya it is time and energy consuming. Not too mention money consuming. My BF likes me to contribute.
Plus, this is a sub-forum for MTF transsexuals. I mean shouldn't we be able to talk about our life goals without being accused of being hurtful. How is it hurtful for women to talk about their problems? I can appreciate the travails of non-op women but I think we should be able to talk openly here without having to mince words. This is why I hate trans politics.
Quote from: Brooke777 on December 10, 2013, 05:48:45 PM
If someone actually makes an effort to connect with you, make that effort back. With this tactic you might get hurt, or you might find the love of your life.
This is what I did with my BF and now it is me and him versus the world so yes, you could find the love of your life.
QuotePlus, this is a sub-forum for MTF transsexuals. I mean shouldn't we be able to talk about our life goals without being accused of being hurtful. How is it hurtful for women to talk about their problems? I can appreciate the travails of non-op women but I think we should be able to talk openly here without having to mince words. This is why I hate trans politics.
Quoted for truth.
Last time people didn't have to mince words in ths subforum the passing thread got locked. Just saying.
Quote from: Brooke777 on December 10, 2013, 05:48:45 PM
With this tactic you might get hurt, or you might find the love of your life.
Pretty much you can't find the latter without ever risking the former.
Sure, we have more things that can derail our potenential relationships than most, but buck up buttercups! It takes such extraordinary strength to survive transition, if we could handle that, we can surely deal with a little risk here and there in the name of finding love, yeah?
Quote from: Katie on December 10, 2013, 01:24:18 PM
Umm correct this is a transgender site. On the other hand this specific forum is for the transsexual. Now the definition of a transsexual is someone that desires to get srs if you don't believe me you can look it up.
I never said that trans people need srs. Just transsexuals...........
I love how everyone has just glossed over this lil gem. Or does everyone else feel the same way? As someone who is considering going non-op, have I been posting in the wrong part of the site all this time? -_-
While I can understand that some want to have SRS before dating, it's not true for everyone. I know people that did that and are happy, but I don't know if I can wait. Truth is Srs is very expensive and will take me time to save up. Plus, being 24 without ever dating isn't fun. Although, I do acknowledge there are challenges. As someone who is straight, it will be challenging to find understanding men. And I don't know how comfortable I am about physical intimacy being pre-op. Perhaps if I meet the right person and I feel comfortable with them. Still, I can't wait to get out there and meet someone. I've spent my life being ashamed of my sexuality, I'd like to finally embrace it and allow myself to have a boyfriend. Just wish I knew how to find a guy that can understand me while I'm still so early in my transition.
Wish I had some advice to provide op, but all I can do is empathize with your situation. I hope you find someone special that will accept you for who you are! :)
Quote from: learningtolive on December 10, 2013, 06:58:16 PM
While I can understand that some want to have SRS before dating, it's not true for everyone. I know people that did that and are happy, but I don't know if I can wait. Truth is Srs is very expensive and will take me time to save up. Plus, being 24 without ever dating isn't fun. Although, I do acknowledge there are challenges. As someone who is straight, it will be challenging to find understanding men. And I don't know how comfortable I am about physical intimacy being pre-op. Perhaps if I meet the right person and I feel comfortable with them. Still, I can't wait to get out there and meet someone. I've spent my life being ashamed of my sexuality, I'd like to finally embrace it and allow myself to have a boyfriend. Just wish I knew how to find a guy that can understand me while I'm still so early in my transition.
Wish I had some advice to provide op, but all I can do is empathize with your situation. I hope you find someone special that will accept you for who you are! :)
There are plenty of people out there, of all ages, and genders who will like you, for you. It may take some time to find them, but they are there.
This is my thread as the OP, and I think those who have posted on dating advice are awesome. Thank you for being open with your thoughts. I would like to keep the discussion going about dating...pre, post, or non-op... it does not matter for purposes of this discussion. Let's keep it positive so we can help all of our sisters, okay?
If this devolves into a debate on the meaning of transsexual or what someone did or didn't say, I would kindly ask the mods to lock the thread. Let's just focus on our own personal experiences of what has and has not worked. I think personal experiences are always the most powerful.
Thanks again to all those posting great dating advice. I almost feel ready to poke my red toenail in the water again :)
Toni
Toni,
Do not forget to look inside our community for possible life partners. There are many Males and Females who also are looking for the same.
Out in the world i would do what you did in the past. If you see someone of interest make your move. Just because our x's could not handle staying in love does not mean the rest of the world is the same. There is someone out there for you if you are willing to look.
Many hugs and glad it is something that is crossing your mind.
Izzy
My best advice:
*Be yourself.
*Be safe.
*Take risks.
*Try new things.
*Avoid making commitments too soon.
*Don't project your body dysphoria onto others. They may adore you any way you are.
*Have fun!
*Learn what gives you joy, curls your toys, lifts your spirits, and makes you happy to be alive.
*Remember how incredible you really are.
*Have a close friend, confidante, or therapist you can bounce things off of.
*Don't isolate yourself just because you are in love.
*Don't ever wait to live your life and to love who you love. Life. Is too short to let three inches or three pounds of flesh hold your heart hostage.
*And when your new love asks you to move in, keep your apartment for a while.
I could care less what Katie thinks about anything...
I say do what you want and be careful.
With that said, I have a dinner date with a handsome man coming soon.
Quote from: monica93304 on December 10, 2013, 10:59:45 PM
With that said, I have a dinner date with a handsome man coming soon.
Good luck! I hope it goes well!