I think I've already met some of you in the chat room. I don't really like forums all that much, but I've found a lot of the things and resources on here to be really helpful, and I figured that I might benefit a little bit from the forum, too?
Anyway. I'm in my late twenties and I'm an OIF/OEF vet. It's only been kind of recent that I've really opened up and started asking myself the hard questions about who I am, what I want, why I want, those sorts of things. I own my own (mostly unsuccessful?) business. I've been in a sort of...silent, unconscious awareness of things for a long time. There are specific things in my history that raised questions to me, but I never really dwelled on them, especially in my teenage years. I was raised southern Baptist, so I learned early on that it was better to shove everything down, I think, than to actually confront myself. I don't think that joining the Army was a way of overcompensating (though I'm sure on some subconscious level it was), it was more a means to an end. I've also been diagnosed with PTSD, and honestly? I think it's helped me to deal with, identify, and process other emotions. I had a really good therapist that helped me work through some anger/anxiety issues related to that, and all of this has really come about as a result of me applying some of the little things that he taught me about analyzing my emotions. I think I've made some progress in accepting things, but I've had a pretty hard time with dysphoria lately. I feel like all the denial and repression was a sort of protection mechanism, and now that I've finally stripped it away, every day I feel exponentially more and more uncomfortable with my body. There's been some scary suicidal thoughts and images in my head lately, but they've been gone for a few days now (No worries, I've been through suicidal ideation before - I'm not a danger to myself, it's just reaaaaalllllyyy annoying).
I've got a healthy bit of fear related to my next steps, but I think that that's born mostly out of not having a plan. My bigger fears revolve mostly about how this is going to impact the other people in my life and their perception of me, all things I'm working out in therapy.
And, I wanted to thank all of you for being wonderful, warm people. :]
Oh! If there are any other veterans out there? I could really use some help and encouragement, and any information on how to navigate the VA with these issues - I want to be able to use their therapy instead of coming out of pocket, but I'm really, really, really scared they'll try to somehow link this to my PTSD as a pre-existing condition and pull my disability.
Hi SierraK, :icon_wave:
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Janet )O(
Hi SierraK, welcome to Susan's Place! Thank you for your service, glad you are safely back! I'm a veteran, and we have a thread where I try to round up all the others: Roll call! (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,96755.0.html)
See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn
A big warm welcome to the family Sierra! I over compensated as well to try to deal with what I know now is Gender Dysphoria by going into the fire service as a Paramedic/Firefighter. I retired after 28 years, but the Dysphoria monster never let me be. Accepting this about myself was hard, but necessary. I know you will find really good people here to help you every step of the way in your journey. Just remember, you are NOT a freak and should not let guilt get to you over this condition. We are here to help now. PM if you ever need anything at all. :)
Hi, Sierra.
Welcome and nice to hear a little of your story. I've pretty much had to deal with the stresses of my change through "crying". That still hasn't totally left me. However I keep hearing it will eventually go away. I hope so. It's terrible for my mascara. Lol. I can offer good thoughts for you. I went through a stage in my life where I thought everyone else was right and I was wrong. Then my heart took over and I woke up one morning and started my journey to become Dina. Now i'm one of the happiest girls I know.
Dina