I don't have this problem because the only family I have I haven't talked to for 20 years. I'm pretty much on my own which is all right . I've lived this way for a long time. I was just wondering if others will be able to freely enjoy the holidays as themselves.
I can enjoy myself during holiday parties but sometimes the odd questions do come up with distant relatives
Quote from: gowiththeflow on December 14, 2013, 11:40:22 AM
I can enjoy myself during holiday parties but sometimes the odd questions do come up with distant relatives
that would be weird
It's actually a little fun. I do my best to explain things to them fast and with a smile
At my recent thanksgiving dinner with my potential new in-laws (there with my SO.) It's a largish group, mostly Lutherans, some Catholics, including a Lutheran pastor. About the only peculiar thing that came up was: "Well I'd love to watch you and -redacted- together." Well...At least it wasn't the pastor with that came out with that. I had a booze supplemented blush with that, yep, beware of relatives.
First, it's my second year being full time. Speaking of Thanksgiving, the gathering is held at my aunt's for my mom's side family and she invited me both last and this year. Because I come from a very conservative family and of my insecure brother in law, I skipped last year. I was still terrified this year but focused myself to go because family won't be around forever and to make myself a stronger person. Gasp! Everyone was laid back and chatted with me. The only issue was, my brother in law asked my mom to text him when I leave so he and my sister could come later. That's their loss but the rest of family came around.
Quote from: Urban Christina on December 14, 2013, 11:00:49 PM
The only issue was, my brother in law asked my mom to text him when I leave so he and my sister could come later. That's their loss but the rest of family came around.
Sounds like my dad and my family. Hopefully, your family stepped up for you with your brother in law and sister as my family did for me.
I live in what was supposed to be a retirement community. All that live here are old ladies, mostly who are widowed and extremely conservative. They're nice people for the most part, but I'm living at home and I wouldn't put my mom through that. And for what? These folks might be around for another 5 years or so.
Edit: I live across the country from family. I'm stealth and if they don't like me anymore after I've transitioned, then I'm fine with that. I've always loved everyone in my family and ALWAYS spend time with them when I can. However, they fight amongst themselves and it's burdened me to watch them slowly drift away from each other over the years. Some of them are also social conservatives and I'm sure it will happen.
I doubt I will, although "party" is the wrong word to describe what I'm going to be attending. I'm going to be dragged to church by my parents on christmas eve, likely in male mode, and likely be dragged to my baby cousin's baptism (I have other issues with that as well) where there will be a lot of extended family, none of whom know, and I think it'd be a terrible time to break the news.
Quote from: Misato on December 14, 2013, 11:44:16 PM
Sounds like my dad and my family. Hopefully, your family stepped up for you with your brother in law and sister as my family did for me.
Aww. I really don't see what's the big deal. Our insecure family members are acting like we're murders, rapists, drug addicts, etc. So stupid. But at the same time, leaving them alone is the best.
Also, actually, your and my dad are similar. He's still struggling and doesn't speak to me much but he showed up anyway on Thanksgiving and gave me a hug unexpectedly on my way out. He agreed with my mom regardless of his mourning process to invite me to come over on Xmas and spend alone time with them. It's a start and your dad will come around- time is the answer so hang in there :)
I haven't actually come out to anyone but my wife so far. Hopefully by the time the holidays come next year I'll be comfortable being me, right now I haven't even started HRT but I will be soon :). They accepted my brother for being gay so I really hope they're accepting of what I'm doing when I do talk to them.
I'm always myself.... 24/7. Haven't been anybody else since the day I went full time for anything or anybody.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on December 15, 2013, 08:05:23 AM
I'm always myself.... 24/7. Haven't been anybody else since the day I went full time for anything or anybody.
I'm pretty close to full time I out and about all the time like my avatar. My brother and sisters and the other relatives don't know ,but I never see them any way.
This year we won't be doing anything since my brother is away, and my parents are too busy with the grandparents requiring constant attention 24 hours, but If wanted to come for lunch one day...
One year since the Noah persona was fully born and still no acceptance. Only my parents know my "secret", and I have had no contact with the extended family for more than a year. I could possibly tell them, but I don't have any phone numbers and like 99% are total bigots when it comes to gender and sex orientation expression (the typical macho acting teasing homosexuality all the time).
Ruleset of "we don't want to see you in a range of x metres from us dressed like "that"". And if we add to that the fact that I have been pushed back from full time to presenting male here and there... Not exactly in a good mood.
Quote from: Willow on December 15, 2013, 12:18:31 AM
I doubt I will, although "party" is the wrong word to describe what I'm going to be attending. I'm going to be dragged to church by my parents on christmas eve, likely in male mode, and likely be dragged to my baby cousin's baptism (I have other issues with that as well) where there will be a lot of extended family, none of whom know, and I think it'd be a terrible time to break the news.
The family of my SO found out at her father's funeral in October. Was awkward, but no big deal in the end. Grandma, mother of my SO's deceased dad, even caught me cleaning up in her bathroom and said lovingly, "you're pretty enough already." Conservative, religious woman and all that and no problem.
Let's look at your language here too cause "Going to be dragged" sticks out at me.
You are choosing to go somewhere and do things you don't like or approve of (unless your family puts a collar on you and does indeed you drag from place to place).
You are choosing to accommodate them and their needs. They like it or not, seems only fair they accommodate your needs too.
Thanksgiving was the first time my entire family met my true self. They all knew, even tho' some for only a few days before, I was coming, and said they looked forward to it.
This will be my first Christmas. Having a loving supporting family is all the gift I ever need. I may get a few material gifts, but they are so unimportant in the big picture.
Interestingly, last week I went to a huge party. Many of the people I have come out to over the last year were there, and it was their first time meeting Paula. Of the 100 or so people I spoke to, only two mentioned anything about my transition. The rest just spoke to me as Paula, a woman. Lots of compliments tho', woman to woman. (I was a little over dressed!)
Quote from: Paulagirl on December 15, 2013, 08:57:27 AM
Thanksgiving was the first time my entire family met my true self. They all knew, even tho' some for only a few days before, I was coming, and said they looked forward to it.
This will be my first Christmas. Having a loving supporting family is all the gift I ever need. I may get a few material gifts, but they are so unimportant in the big picture.
Interestingly, last week I went to a huge party. Many of the people I have come out to over the last year were there, and it was their first time meeting Paula. Of the 100 or so people I spoke to, only two mentioned anything about my transition. The rest just spoke to me as Paula, a woman. Lots of compliments tho', woman to woman. (I was a little over dressed!)
Yeah, last year thinking I was going to lose my family to this year being embraced by them, that does make ya understand what being thankful for your family means, doesn't it? :)
Glad events are playing out well for ya!
Quote from: Paulagirl on December 15, 2013, 08:57:27 AM
Thanksgiving was the first time my entire family met my true self. They all knew, even tho' some for only a few days before, I was coming, and said they looked forward to it.
This will be my first Christmas. Having a loving supporting family is all the gift I ever need. I may get a few material gifts, but they are so unimportant in the big picture.
Interestingly, last week I went to a huge party. Many of the people I have come out to over the last year were there, and it was their first time meeting Paula. Of the 100 or so people I spoke to, only two mentioned anything about my transition. The rest just spoke to me as Paula, a woman. Lots of compliments tho', woman to woman. (I was a little over dressed!)
that's great
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on December 15, 2013, 08:05:23 AM
I'm always myself.... 24/7. Haven't been anybody else since the day I went full time for anything or anybody.
I'm hoping to live full time when I get out of the Army right now have to present as a guy since being caught would get me kicked out possibly :(. I did go to my therapist in full female clothes that were kinda unisex minus the wedges, just feels better to be in girl clothes.
Quote from: KittyKat on December 15, 2013, 09:30:53 AM
I'm hoping to live full time when I get out of the Army right now have to present as a guy since being caught would get me kicked out possibly :(. I did go to my therapist in full female clothes that were kinda unisex minus the wedges, just feels better to be in girl clothes.
Keep strong. I have a neighbor friend who is in the services and is trans. She is post op and creating waves. She is so close to retirement it's not even funny, but they want to kick her out for having SRS. The army is caught between trying to sweep it under the rug and delaying her case until she CAN hit that 20 year mark, but if it doesn't stay quiet for that long the ACLU is talking about taking up her case. They're saying this could cause a HUGE uproar in the public eye that can change things for good for trans persons in the services.
Quote from: Misato on December 15, 2013, 08:52:25 AMThe family of my SO found out at her father's funeral in October. Was awkward, but no big deal in the end. Grandma, mother of my SO's deceased dad, even caught me cleaning up in her bathroom and said lovingly, "you're pretty enough already." Conservative, religious woman and all that and no problem.
Let's look at your language here too cause "Going to be dragged" sticks out at me. You are choosing to go somewhere and do things you don't like or approve of (unless your family puts a collar on you and does indeed you drag from place to place). You are choosing to accommodate them and their needs. They like it or not, seems only fair they accommodate your needs too.
I guess I'm just really submissive. If I'm being told I have to go, I guess that means I have to go. I've always had trouble saying no. Because whenever I did, something terrible always went wrong, and I got the blame for it, making me feel worse. So I go to not hurt anyone else.
Quote from: Willow on December 15, 2013, 10:01:23 AM
I guess I'm just really submissive. If I'm being told I have to go, I guess that means I have to go. I've always had trouble saying no. Because whenever I did, something terrible always went wrong, and I got the blame for it, making me feel worse. So I go to not hurt anyone else.
Then, there doesn't seem to be a problem here? If you prefer to submit and let others dominate your wants and assume responsibility for "something terrible" happening that you had no real part in, if you prefer to hurt yourself instead of
risking upsetting others, that's what you appear to be setting yourself up for. So, no problem?
I totally get not being willing or wanting to take certian steps. I still can't make myself go out and buy underwear in store, preferring to buy on-line. That's my hang up, my fear, my responsibility, my choice to avoid confronting. But with my on-line buying I have also found something that is working for me. The casualness of, "I guess I'm just really submissive" hints that being submissive might be working for you and your life. If so, great, if not... Well, then you're back to having a problem to solve and I'm finding myself compelled to share that in my experience, taking responsibility for your role in the matter is very often a good first step toward solving it.
Quote from: Misato on December 15, 2013, 12:28:37 PM
Then, there doesn't seem to be a problem here? If you prefer to submit and let others dominate your wants and assume responsibility for "something terrible" happening that you had no real part in, if you prefer to hurt yourself instead of risking upsetting others, that's what you appear to be setting yourself up for. So, no problem?
I totally get not being willing or wanting to take certian steps. I still can't make myself go out and buy underwear in store, preferring to buy on-line. That's my hang up, my fear, my responsibility, my choice to avoid confronting. But with my on-line buying I have also found something that is working for me. The casualness of, "I guess I'm just really submissive" hints that being submissive might be working for you and your life. If so, great, if not... Well, then you're back to having a problem to solve and I'm finding myself compelled to share that in my experience, taking responsibility for your role in the matter is very often a good first step toward solving it.
I get it. I need a bit more recive in my relationship with my family. But they already find me too self-centric already. This isa fragile and one sided relationship, but I have to do something. I need to be more courageous and less cowardly. I need to shift onto offense if I ever want anything to happen with my life.
Thank you, Misato, for lighting the fire within me.
Yes, but I finished transition over three years ago, so it's not really a big deal for me or them by now. :) We also don't actually have a big enough family for parties, but I know what you meant.
Quote from: Willow on December 15, 2013, 01:29:14 PM
I get it. I need a bit more recive in my relationship with my family. But they already find me too self-centric already. This isa fragile and one sided relationship, but I have to do something. I need to be more courageous and less cowardly. I need to shift onto offense if I ever want anything to happen with my life.
Thank you, Misato, for lighting the fire within me.
I think it's hard to not be self centered prior to transition. Takes a lot of focus and work to tie yourself down sufficiently so no telltale signs come out. Become you, and I suspect the possibility of being able to be there for others will open up.
I think you had the fire in your hand. At best, I merely helped position the hand holding said fire under your tookis.
Quote from: Alainaluvsu on December 15, 2013, 09:57:56 AM
Keep strong. I have a neighbor friend who is in the services and is trans. She is post op and creating waves. She is so close to retirement it's not even funny, but they want to kick her out for having SRS. The army is caught between trying to sweep it under the rug and delaying her case until she CAN hit that 20 year mark, but if it doesn't stay quiet for that long the ACLU is talking about taking up her case. They're saying this could cause a HUGE uproar in the public eye that can change things for good for trans persons in the services.
That sounds like the Army to me either ignore it or pass it on to someone else. Did she actually transition before surgery without a problem or did she present male? Also I only have 4 years in, but hopefully I'm getting a Medical retirement for Major Depression and Anxiety, as wrong as it is to be excited for that.
I don't know if my brother and his girlfriend know (not that I really care) so if it's just them and my parents for Christmas this year, I won't make much of an effort (if any) to hide anything. In fact, I might just tell them. But if we all go to my mom's friend's house, I'll have to make some more effort to go into boy-mode. :/ They're very religious and very outspoken... So I don't want to cause any drama. Can't wait until next month, I really want to do something about my eyebrows. I swear, this will be the last holiday where I'm going to hide...
Quote from: Ashey on December 15, 2013, 08:30:17 PM
Can't wait until next month, I really want to do something about my eyebrows. I swear, this will be the last holiday where I'm going to hide...
Going to my first laser session on the 31st and she said she would be able to wax my brows, very tempted to have her do them since I should be on leave for 2 weeks. I'll just play dumb if anyone asks me about them at work :angel:
I just started HRT three months ago and I am still living as a male full-time so no, I won't be able to be myself this year. Not looking forward to the holidays at all. Next year will be different and I am traveling out of town to spend some holiday time with my SO's family who have not met me yet so on the plus side I don't have to necessarily present as male and while I'm not presenting as female, I can let my guard down a little bit and just present as someone transitioning (I actually have a bunch of women's unisex type clothing I plan to wear as I transition).
Quote from: Misato on December 15, 2013, 07:35:06 PMI think it's hard to not be self centered prior to transition. Takes a lot of focus and work to tie yourself down sufficiently so no telltale signs come out. Become you, and I suspect the possibility of being able to be there for others will open up.
I think you had the fire in your hand. At best, I merely helped position the hand holding said fire under your tookis.
I think that's especially relevant since my male persona was a stereotypical one, very ->-bleeped-<-ish. I will do my best about being myself around my parents, I'm still a little worried about how I could hurt them. But I have to stay strong.
I don't know, it may have been, but you sure helped.