Okay, I'm going to attempt to call some therapists today to make an appointment about my issues.
So here is my first step towards (hopefully) being diagnosed as anything other than transsexual. :-}
I'm pretty sure that's not gonna happen though. I refuse to get really upset about it until it happens, but I'm pretty sure I'm fitting the whole "late-onset-transsexual" category
I'm gonna be a freaking WRECK when she tells me that she thinks I should go on HRT or transition. I'm in a weird place in between, denial, depressive acceptance, and giddy joy.
Chickened out of calling during lunch....
Sounds like a hard day, the sooner you make the call the sooner your life starts moving forward again hun, be it as male or female at least you will know, and with that knowledge comes a chance to feel relief or a chance to start working towards acceptance and peace with yourself....
Whatever you decide, whatever happens you are in my thoughts...
After your first appointment the floodgates will open for you. They sure did for me and it became easier and easier to talk about and work on. Everyone I have ever seen post has had the moment of dread setting up the first session. Most are like I was and highly relaxed after they met the therapist and completed the first session. They do not judge you, but try to help you. It is a long process though so be patient and follow their program as much as you can. If you are not comfortable with your therapist after a couple of sessions you might have to decide if they are trying to honestly help you are not. I am looking for another one after a three month period of time with one who started to use HER idea of femininity and not mine. Make sure they stick to the WPATH SoC's which you can find here at Susan's. :)
As long as I don't make the appointment I can pretend thus will go away.
Maybe I just haven't tried being manly enough
I'll just try really hard not to be transgendered.
*sigh*
Aaaaaargh! I hate using the phone! First doctor not accepting new patiients.
Do therapists recommend patients go on HRT? That's not my experience. In both cases I had to ask for it, and in the second instance really had to push for it. If you get a good therapist, particle, they won't have you on hormones by the end of the first appointment, that is really your choice and yours alone. Good luck though, it seems like you have a lot to talk about regardless.
I left some messages.
Soo freaked out.
Still jot sure why my brain has segmented off a section devoted to thinking "I WANT BOOBIES!"
Losing it
First things first, take a deep breath. Yes it is a very hard time. I know exactly how you feel. I chickened out if calling for years. What I did to finally get to a therapist, was I emailed several until I find one that took my insurance and was accepting new patients. Then I emailed them and told a little about myself and why I was wanting/needing to go to therapy. Then I called and made the appointment. I can say they will not judge you, and all of the fear I had was misplaced. I know now that what I was really afraid of, was truly admitting to myself I was trans. But, please don't try and ignore it or be more manly. Doing these things can make it much worse, believe me I almost was to the point of making a really stupid choice. Now since I've accepted who I am, I am much better than I have ever been. I wish you the best in this, and we are always here for you.
I waited entirely too long and I was a mess when I finally broke down and made the call. Do I regret it? No, it was the call that kept me alive.
Are you afraid of the therapist/therapy, or are you afraid of what the therapist might tell you?
Keeping these feelings bottled up inside you and trying to handle them yourself is very bad for you.
hi particle,
having the chance to have a totally objective person listen to you and help you decide on your path forward, no mater what that is can really bring things into perspective and help you come to a decision that is right for you. I spent over a year in therapy before i was ready to acknowledge that I am and have been transgendered for all my life. then several months to work out the coming out part. It has been over two years now and i still feel this is the best hour of my week.
Hope you can find a therapist that is the right one for you I also went through a couple before I met the gal that I working with now to help me.
best of wishes
Jerri
Quote from: Ms Grace on December 16, 2013, 01:53:41 PM
Do therapists recommend patients go on HRT? That's not my experience. In both cases I had to ask for it, and in the second instance really had to push for it. If you get a good therapist, particle, they won't have you on hormones by the end of the first appointment, that is really your choice and yours alone. Good luck though, it seems like you have a lot to talk about regardless.
Exactly this.
I cannot imagine a therapist, especially within a few sessions saying "You must go on HRT". More likely they will be the one applying the brakes, interjecting reality, looking for a reason why.
When I started therapy five years ago it was for everthing else but transitioning. I was not looking to, I had a TON of other issues. A lot due to being trans and transition was not going to do any good with those, perhaps make things worse.
There are many little things to help w/o HRT. The one big thing is getting in touch with our true self, whatever that is. Which takes time. THen self acceptance, not resignation.
Stop injecting rationality into my freak out session. ;-)
I've been in therapy for depression and anxiety for about 10 years.
My therapist gets weird whenever I try to talk about my gender issues. It's hard to describe.
FYI I've been in touch via email with one therapist.
Good job particle, I've noticed that if they aren't a gender therapist, they do get weird.
Hi Particle,
The advise and encouragement you are hearing is spot on.
Finding a therapist that you are comfortable with and has experience in working with transgendered & gender identity related issues is very important. The best therapists will help you understand yourself.
For myself, I went in with an open mind and the attitude that I needed to understand my feelings and thoughts and I want to understand who I really am. Through therapist assisted self-discovery, I found out that much of the source of my depression and anxiety issues were from the conflict inside me due to growing up Male and trying to maintain that role vs. my female feelings and thoughts.
I took the time to understand that I need to follow my own path, the path that I can see from where I am currently and as I grow in understanding and self acceptance the next step on my path becomes visible. I now know that I am on a transition path, I can imagine a destination, but I feel that my own ultimate stopping point will be discovered in time.
My view of life has dramatically improved, I'm more motivated to be myself, live my life and do so based on my feeling, goals & desires than at any prior time in my life.
I wish for you to find peace and understanding.
-Cindi
Quote from: particle on December 16, 2013, 11:21:14 PM
My therapist gets weird whenever I try to talk about my gender issues. It's hard to describe.
Hey I had one of those. She was a psychiatrist, and basically wanted nothing to do with me. Probably one of the main reasons I stopped when I was 25 and went back in the closet for 25 years.
I I hate waiting for people to call me back or email me back. :-P~~~
Breathe baby or you will pass out before the call is returned! *giggle* You have to realize you are starting on a very long process. Nothing will be quick or easy. It is however worth it in the long run. :)
I want a short process. 1-2 therapy sessions and be told I have bacon deficiency transsexual hypochondria. Just eat bacon everyday and your personality will be unchanged except you will no longer. Feel you need physical transition
Or 4 sessions. "I want boobies" here's a referral
I don't think either is happening
Now all I can think about is bacon and boobies! *giggle* ;D If only it was that easy, right?
I was very clear. Bacon OR boobies
Please note in all seriousness my referring to boobies is just an attempt by me to stave off madness
I think you are on to something
Bacon Flavored Boobies ;D
Quote from: JoanneB on December 17, 2013, 06:10:36 PM
Bacon Flavored Boobies ;D
Joanne, you got me with that one!
Particle, you will be OK and you are not defective or mental. If they say it is Gender Dysphoria deal with it and learn how to live with it. You have all the help you will ever need with us. We all need each other now and then. Don't get too worked up about things until you talk to someone on a professional level, OK?
You will do fine! I'm so happy for you that your making this call. You will learn a lot about yourself.
I remember the anxiety I had when making that call. How do I sound when I talk on the phone? Do I sound too masculine to be ftm? Would I be seen as a weird fraud? Anyhow, The receptionist picked up and told me that my therapist was not taking any new patients. I did tell her that my counselor was referring me, so the receptionist asked me what my reason was. I thought it was awkward for a receptionist to ask that, but I said 'GiD'. I was freaking out that I told this to a receptionist, and I was sort of hoping she did not know what that meant. Anyway, she did, and I was worked in to see my therapist a few days later. I remember sitting in the waiting room and thinking...'they know' :icon_redface:. When I left that first session, it turned out to be very liberating. I don't know why I was that worked up. I was immediately referred to an endo at my request, and have been moving happily along with my transition.
**Stacy
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on December 17, 2013, 06:35:52 PM
Joanne, you got me with that one!
Particle, you will be OK and you are not defective or mental. If they say it is Gender Dysphoria deal with it and learn how to live with it.
From what I hear there are a lot of what I call "Rubber Stampers" out there. If you say you have GD, they will respond accordingly. If you want to be challenged..... That is different.
Many to most people seeing a therapist for GD are there for one reason, to start transitioning. In my contrairian world I have no doubt I am TG, even TS, yet not so severe (I
think) that with the right set of tools I can avoid the
need to transition to full time.
In the mean time there are plenty of messed up things in my head that need fixin
Oh, make the call. I can make an 80% bet you'll be leaving a voice-mail, then it's up to you to be steeled when they call back, and other than making sure you aren't currently in crisis, it'll just be to set up an appointment.
My non-gender therapist is an a-hole
Edited for language
I spent 20 minutes getting out the fact that I might want to be a woman
And the second sentence after I given a very long explanation of my emotions is so do you want to [have sex with] other men
And then after I tried to explain that I'm not attracted to men he says so you want to become a girl just to be with girls?
I walked out
ninja admin edit: dat word [language]
Oiy
Time to find a support group and get some recommendations for a therapist that might actually remember something from that class they took a quarter century ago. Better yet, someone with other TG clients
Discussion with wife about tg issues went well. She's okay with me expressing more female, just no medical intervention and not publicly.
If I feel I need more, we'll worry about that then.
Currently negotiating with actual gender specialusy
January 16th. :)
That's great, particle. Hope it goes well. :)
The therapist is male, which I was hoping to avoid. I feel like I'm betraying the patriarchy talking to a man about this.
But he takes my insurance.
I'm a little freaked, but in a good way.
Meh , no need to worry about your therapist gender , he ll just do his job like any other...
arent most gender therapist male?
no? is it just me?
My gender therapist is a guy, and a lovely supportive guy at that. Yes ladies, they exist! I had originally been hoping for a woman therapist too, but seriously if they know their stuff gender shouldn't make any difference.
yeah absolutely ,
mine is also very fabulous lol and he understands me very well
though he's always late on our appointments :-\
Now to begin worrying about the actual appointment.
Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 24, 2013, 05:44:24 AM
Now to begin worrying about the actual appointment.
Robin-
When I had my first therapist appointment I was worried about all kinds of things, like sticking my foot in my mouth and worrying that the therapist would judge me. or think I was a freak.
My actual experience was finding a sense of relief and a sense of purpose after my first visit; I knew that seeing her was necessary for me to heal, and I knew that I was finally on the right path. Sure, we covered some sticky, tough, uncomfortable things as we went along but that's what I paid her to do.
I know that you've had some less than stellar experiences with therapists before; hopefully this one will be different. They are not all bad and you just have to find a good one.
I would tell you to come in off of the ledge and relax, but I know that it's impossible for you to do right now. So instead I'll tell you to remember to
breathe :) , and to be prepared to be brutally honest when you have your chat with the therapist. You won't shock him, and he's only there to help you. He should not judge you at all.
I can't even bring myself to be brutally honest with myself.
I can't accept that I like the idea of going forward, that while it breaks my heart I'm prepared to lose my marriage,
I'm terrified. And keeping up whatever fragile resistance I can.
One step at a time, Robin. :)
You do seem to worry a lot. I understand that, I was a huuuuge worrier. Still can be but nowhere near as bad. The cliche of one step at a time is still a good way to deal with it psychologically... you haven't had your first appointment but already have your marriage wrecked and other worst case scenarios. I won't say that isn't a possibility, it's a reality for many, but also not for many others. You won't know until you know. Just get to the appointment first, that is your "one step".
Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 24, 2013, 01:05:58 PM
I can't even bring myself to be brutally honest with myself.
I can't accept that I like the idea of going forward, that while it breaks my heart I'm prepared to lose my marriage,
I'm terrified. And keeping up whatever fragile resistance I can.
I learned that it is awfully difficult to be brutally honest with myself when I have no clue who or what "myself" is.
That scares me the most since I realized after decades of trying anything else but, all I learned was what does not work.
It's the black and white that I'm messed up with. I don't have the right perspective. I need to figure myself out.
Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 26, 2013, 01:26:37 PM
It's the black and white that I'm messed up with. I don't have the right perspective. I need to figure myself out.
B&W thinking is bad in general, worse for all things TG. There is an infinite ammount of greys between "Normal" and full-time fully transitioned TS. Even if you are a TS, it does not mean you
Must transition. Only you know what is the right thing to do. Only you can eventually answer where you fit.
Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 16, 2013, 09:09:37 AM
Okay, I'm going to attempt to call some therapists today to make an appointment about my issues.
So here is my first step towards (hopefully) being diagnosed as anything other than transsexual. :-}
I'm pretty sure that's not gonna happen though. I refuse to get really upset about it until it happens, but I'm pretty sure I'm fitting the whole "late-onset-transsexual" category
I'm gonna be a freaking WRECK when she tells me that she thinks I should go on HRT or transition. I'm in a weird place in between, denial, depressive acceptance, and giddy joy.
Hi Particle,
My hopes that your therapist quickly 'gets' you and through that you unearth a mind-blade to cut through any denial in a way that leaves you feeling whole and loved. Rocket engines that blast you into vigorous acceptance from depressive acceptance, because the rocket uses depression as its fuel. And enough giddy joy to fill any whole in your heart left from a society that made this difficult for you.
Kind Regards to you
stav
Trying back with my first choice therapist.
She doesn't take my insurance, but offered me a decent discount.
Pretty sure she's a good choice. Gender therapy is the core of her practice.
Plus I just figured out she is trans!
Quote from: JordanBlue on December 27, 2013, 02:09:17 PMMake an appointment asap. ;)
I'm trying but she is terrible at returning communications.
Appointment achieved
1/9
Argh now real freak out begins
I do. I'm gonna be all like "they know"... In the waiting room
Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 30, 2013, 03:34:51 PM
I do. I'm gonna be all like "they know"... In the waiting room
And what if they do? *hug* You are there to get help, and they are there to provide it. I know it seems scary, that you've been holding a deep, dark secret inside and the world will ridicule you if they discover it... but the world is big and by and large people are very accepting. I know it will take time for you to internalize this, you are on your own path. But if it helps any, the biggest thing I had to fear in transitioning was my fears of transitioning. It was honestly a bigger deal to me than it was/is to anyone else in my life.
Yes, you may lose some friends, and some family may not speak to you for a while if you find out you need to transition... but, when it comes down to it, isn't a chance to live *your* life on *your* terms and to be the person *you* were meant to be worth some sacrifice? I can assure you that, if you do transition (and again this is something for you to decide with the help of your therapist... not everyone who gets gender therapy needs to transition) there will be better friendships and relationships because they will start out with a bedrock of honesty. You will be able, at last, to be honest about who you are to both yourself and others.
I know it's a scary ride and there is risk... but there is no great reward without risk. It's scary, but for trans* people it is a way to truly live, and to live true.
*hug*
Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 30, 2013, 03:34:51 PM
I do. I'm gonna be all like "they know"... In the waiting room
Or....
They are going to be all like you know! :o
No ideA where this coaster ends...
Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 31, 2013, 05:30:51 AM
Or despair.
That too, along with plenty of "Feel Good" feelings and some tears. Overall:
It does get better
Just the opinion of girl at it for a good four years now. Some day I'll stop worrying about tomorrows and really really learn to enjoy the todays and the joys in my life
Just had a good breakthrough and cry.
I think I am unwilling to tolerate uncertainty in the outcome if my actions.
This is not caused by gd..
I have gd, but this is what I'm missing
Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 31, 2013, 03:13:09 PM
Just had a good breakthrough and cry.
I think I am unwilling to tolerate uncertainty in the outcome if my actions.
This is not caused by gd..
I have gd, but this is what I'm missing
Ahhhh Uncertainty.... An engineers worse nightmare, the bane of my existence, the cause of many many many many many sleepless nights as well as a few gallons of tears and about 90 alcohol related pounds gained.
My biggest issue for coming on two years now is "What is the 'End Game'?" What is my goal? Where do I go from here? How do I know what path I choose is the best? Up until recently I was just going through the motions. Following the Master Plan as set forth for all males, especially those barely rising out of the first generation blue collar world, not just the expectations that I will. Hence, the reason behind my two daily (sometimes hourly) affirmations
I know what what doesn't work
Enjoy today, stop worrying about tomorrow
The second is by far the hardest. Which is why the following quote from Richard Bach's
Illusions, given to me some 4 years ago on the night of my TG groups Christmas party, sits framed in gold in a prominent place so I'll start my day with it
"Argue for your limitations and sure enough they are yours"
Quote from: Robin_Particle on December 30, 2013, 10:50:48 PM
No ideA where this coaster ends...
The end, to me, is in acceptance and peace through acceptance. A mind no longer full of doubt, no longer fighting so hard to fit in, no longer afraid that my secret will come out...
I'm still pre-HRT, but I dress and present as myself (female) whenever possible. Alas, it is not possible at work (yet, working on finding another situation). But if I compare where I am now with where I was even a few weeks ago I am much better off, overall. I'm learning to be me, unfiltered, after so many years of being ashamed. And I am beginning to see the world accepting, and even welcoming me.
I have no words for how wonderful this feels. All I can do is hope and pray you get to feel the same way, too. It really *is* worth all the sleepless nights and backwards steps. There really is hope, Jordan. You can get there. I know it is scary, but it is soooo worth it.
I say this now in full confidence... but I will stumble. There will be dark days, too, when I feel like I'm deluding myself and that I will never make it. I know this because it has happened already, and I have seen it happen to some of my other sisters and brothers on this site. But I know, too, that if I reach out to people here and those around me in my physical presence, I will get through them, and life will be better on the other side. Please hear me in this, and hold on. It's a wild ride, but you can do it. Thousands have gone before you, and millions will come after you.
*hug*
8 days brain still flip flopping and freaking out.
I don't know if this will help or not, but I hope it might...
As you agonize over your impending appointment, you mentioned "flip-flopping"... It's possible that this is caused by attaching a huge amount of significance to the appointment. I just want to reassure you that while it *is* a big step, it is not a final step (or anywhere close). The first appointment with the therapist is a getting-to-know-you appointment, where you will learn about your therapist and they will learn about you. It is generally a free appointment, because you and your therapist need to see if you are a good match for each other. Can you trust her/him? Can s/he help you?
Beyond that, it is very unlikely that you will get any definite guidance from the first appointment. It has happened (rarely, and usually for us older transsexual people) that a therapist agreed with our assessment of ourselves and our need to transition (it happened for me, but I'm 39). And even that would not have happened for me, I think, if I hadn't made very plain that transitioning was something I looked at in a very positive light. Most gender therapists know how monumental transitioning is, and how scary/hard it can be to even think about. This is why it can take months or even years of therapy to a) determine the patient needs to transition and b) get them to a good place in their mind where the can transition safely and with confidence.
*hug*
You got this! Once you've been through the first session, I think you will be amazed at just how easy it was, and wonder why you were so worried.
I think it's just that the feeling of desiring to be a woman is so strong and intense, while at the same time feels alien.
This would be so much easier if my wife hated m
The more you continue this journey the less alien it will feel,
and dont worry it may be awkward at first but after a few meetings with your therapist everything will be fine :)
Everything will not be fine!
Best case. I come to terms with my gender issues without radical action. That's still likely to be weird and difficult, and my life is still in a shambles that I have to fix.
That's not fine, that's "ok, I guess"
Second best case I accept that transition is the best option, and I spend the next 5 years in flux!
Oh and life is still in shambles
Either way it'll be better, but it's a lot of work!
I'm just pissed off at 1996 me and 2002 me. They both helped create the denial field that even is destroying my male and neutral sides.
*hug* I'm only six months into the process and already functioning as female everywhere but at work... I haven't even started hormones yet.
I just got a call from a job recruiter today... they've got an opportunity for me (Robin). Not that guy I've lived as for decades.
Yes, there is a long way to go... but every step I take brings me closer to finally being at peace with and proud of myself. That's the thing, I think. Look at and celebrate the little steps. It's easy to be negative. This condition turns people's lives upside down. But the thing is, you've had this condition for a long time; for most of us it's been with us all our lives and gets worse as time goes on, until something inside us goes "bing!" and the only way to live is to move forward into the gender we were meant to have. If you continually look at everything along the path, it seems impossible. But if you make a little progress day by day, cut yourself some slack for inevitable mistakes, and just keep moving toward the goal you *will* get there. I can't even begin to describe to you how good it feels to know who I am and to finally be taking steps to live that way *all the time*.
*hug*
My therapists cant recommend HRT unless you approve it or seek it. The therapists wont tell you need HRT. First your therapists will determine if you have gender dysphoria and then the process will begin of how you want to proceed with treatment, coming out etc.
Look if my attention-seeking handwringing bothers you, feel free to ignore me. I am extremely grateful for everyone who responded.
The last thing I posted should be taken as a breezy acceptance that whatever happens, to some degree I'll be ok, although it's gonna take some work either way.
Sorry if my tone didn't translate, I didn't want to litter it with smilies.
Quote from: Robin_Particle on January 02, 2014, 05:57:40 PM
Look if my attention-seeking handwringing bothers you, feel free to ignore me. I am extremely grateful for everyone who responded.
The last thing I posted should be taken as a breezy acceptance that whatever happens, to some degree I'll be ok, although it's gonna take some work either way.
Sorry if my tone didn't translate, I didn't want to litter it with smilies.
I guess I took it as you meant it since it pretty much reflects my state of affairs for the past four years.... Minus the pissed off part. All things happen for a reason. Lessons to be learned or mastered. Problems we would not have been given if were not equiped to tackle them... if we choose to.
Oh yeah... Also minus the Transition or Denial, black and white thinking part too.
Quote from: JoanneB on January 03, 2014, 06:48:17 AM
Oh yeah... Also minus the Transition or Denial, black and white thinking part too.
Working on the black and white thing
So three days out, and I'm calmer.
I am hopeful this appt. goes well and I'm comfortable with the therapist.
If not, the quest continues!
Hope it goes great!
PS digging your new avatar!
Quote from: Ms Grace on January 07, 2014, 12:24:45 AM
PS digging your new avatar!
Yeah wanted something to hit my geekiness and my feelings of being female. I saw this and had to have it.
Less than 24 hours.
A new adventure awaits
*hug* You go, girl! (literally! :))
I'm cured!!!!!!!!!!!
No, but the therapist was great, it was easy to talk to her, even though I was a nervous mess at the beginning.
I don't feel link she is pushing an agenda or anything, just trying to help me work things out.
I'm still gonna see the other therapist I found, as the scheduling and insurance for this one is not great
Good job, Robin!!
I am on my third therapist in three years. My second one was outstanding. Having learned from my first experience, I was direct with my second one. My first words to her, actually in a email prior to meeting her, were:
"I have gender issues."
I'm really glad you had a good experience, Robin...not all therapists are as bad as that first one you saw.
Quote from: Robin_Particle on January 09, 2014, 08:10:06 PM
I'm cured!!!!!!!!!!!
No, but the therapist was great, it was easy to talk to her, even though I was a nervous mess at the beginning.
I don't feel link she is pushing an agenda or anything, just trying to help me work things out.
I'm still gonna see the other therapist I found, as the scheduling and insurance for this one is not great
*HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF* Girl, you were starting to have me worried... I'm incredibly grateful that you had a good experience! *hug* Now that this (big) first visit and experience is under your belt, I think you'll find it much easier to visit that other therapist. You're on your way! :)
Just talking an dealing with it more concretely helped me a lot!
A lot of my immediate crisis feeling has subsided .
Quote from: Robin_Particle on January 09, 2014, 08:10:06 PM
I'm cured!!!!!!!!!!!
No, but the therapist was great, it was easy to talk to her, even though I was a nervous mess at the beginning.
I don't feel link she is pushing an agenda or anything, just trying to help me work things out.
I'm still gonna see the other therapist I found, as the scheduling and insurance for this one is not great
Agendas are bad. Only you can answer your questions. The therapist is there to help you sort it all out, and reality checks. It takes a lot more than one session to even come close to figuring out the right questions, much less answers
Lol! I went to a second therapist today, he referred me back to the first one. But he also really reassured me that they were not likely to push me in a direction
Great! See, I told you they'd leave that up to you. :)
I thought it was hilarious when he was like, there is a group in stony brook I want to refer you to.