Hi everyone....
I was just wondering how people dealt with accepting themselves as transgender/sexual
For me I've been trying to deny it my whole life doing everything I could to be more "Masculine" doing guy stuff when it bored the hell out of me, constantly telling myself its just a fetish and feeling guilty about it.
After 24 years I am finally starting to accept myself for who I am.
I guess I am just wondering if other people have dealt with the same situations.
Sorry if my post is to broad first one ever ;D
I knew all along, but when you get the official diagnosis it kind of freaks you out a little. I was hoping for the Plague, Ebola Zaire, Marburg Virus. Basically anything beside Gender Dysphoria. I guess hearing it officially and having it recorded in permanent medical records brings it home real quick. No stopping now! :)
When I was just a child, I didn't think much about my sexual identity one way or another. I lived in neighborhoods with just a small number of other kids my age, less than five and we all played together at times and all of it was outside.
From the time it took me to become self aware that I had a sexual identity it took me forty years of struggle to accept the fact that I was really a female and not a male. From that time that I accepted the fact that I was a woman, it took me nine years to become determined to be that woman and was going to try and publicly live like one.
It took me another five years to declare it publicly on the internet that I was a transgender woman so that all of my friends and past students and family knew about it and insist that I used the women's restroom at most times.
Now I am struggling with seeking out formal counseling with hopes that I will be able to start hormones. I am starting to accept the fact that I have gone as far as I can on my own.
Being suicidal is out of the question for me for based upon my understanding of my Baha'i Faith spiritual beliefs, death is just dying to this physical world and being born into the spiritual world. In this world we are developing or spirits to be able to survive in the spiritual world so that whatever I don't deal with in this world will just make me more handicapped in the next.
Here goes. I just hope that I take less time on the next step in my life cycle. I am 67 and at the very most only have another 30 years to live. Each day that I live, makes it one less day that I have left to live.
I fixed the defects and moved on.
To accept that you are transgender...it takes time...
but eventually the sadness and dysphoria will get to you and you ll have no choice but to change...
I managed to accept it by thinking the possitives,,,by thinking that when im done with transition I ll be happy.
I guess thats why we fight ,,,
FalsePrincess:
I couldn't agree more... no matter how much I did to convince myself I was a "Normal Guy" there was always a part of me that would say " who are kidding" and after everything I did I was still completely miserable and alone
I just hope I didn't wait to long to be Happy
Slowly. I got over it after a lifetime of varying hell and am moving on. I know that soon enough the transition will be completed. I don't know when "completed" really is, mind you. Perhaps never?
Hi,
To myself it had nothing at all to do with or with out gender fact is it has no meaning to myself , being nether male or female , i accepted i was different at age 10 and thats all , i did not see male or female .
yes your body can be different for us it is how your brain wired with some of both male female you dont ? your self i saw a few things that were different still did not matter to me , i thought i was normal .
so got on with life, and that helped me , i had other issues that made my life harder, so thats where i struggled not the matter of boy or girl, i knew i was female and would at some stage of my life live as a normal female / woman, that does not discount my maleness fact is that is what keeped me alive,
surgerys took place and before that my body went into changes no meds or drugs so the time came for that to happen over 20 years ago. im accepted as a normal female who has grown into a woman part of what i have allways been or the prep had to take place first so i could grow into a woman .
i dont care if your female or male thats not the issue what is, is in accepting you your self first, for who you are, then allow your self to grow as a person its not about boy or girl .
How i see it and where im coming from is allowing who you are as a person to grow, if you dont do that it makes no difference what you are male or female, i know some wont agree because they wont allow the growing to take place, its what they wont and wont it now so with that attitude they dont grow as a person, its that simple,
As i was growing as a person i had lots to learn and as i did it was about being female yet my maleness was still a part of myself and still is and will be . i know many women who yes they are female born yet have a maleness about them selfs you dont see just a feminine part of them you see all of them and the same for myself male female born a mix of both and with that what youll see is this is who i am i dont act a part if i cant be proud of myself for who i am then then i have nothing
Love who you are be kind to your self and accept every thing about your self, because this is what makes you you, yes have surgerys go on hormones no drama importaint as it is it wont change you so remember this really is about who you are as a person, dont try and be who your not all youll do is make your self misserable .
If your male then allow your self to grow as one , if your female than again allow your self time to grow as one, yes i may be weird even nuts ill tell you what i have a fantastic life and im living it,
...noeleena...
My original response was to shoot myself but after getting locked up in a state hospital they had me looking in a mirror every day and learning about who I was until I could say I was a male to female transsexual. That and heavy medications :)
'It chose me' as I've seen written elsewhere around here. I only denied it once, and that was as a survival mechanism to get through high school. After that, when I stopped repressing at 20, I felt similar to how I did a decade earlier. I wanted to be female. I knew it couldn't go back in the bottle, so I weighed the pros and cons of transition and the pros won. That's how I accepted it I guess. I just felt like there wasn't much of a choice. And though I waited a while to actually transition (because I wasn't able to start HRT until recently), it never left me. I never had doubts, just practical concerns. But at 27, I still feel like maybe I can pull off being 'a kid' a few more years. Still dress a bit younger, and enjoy myself before I have to really grow up. I owe it to the young girl that I longed to be but never was. So that was a big push to get going on transitioning. That and the notion that time isn't going to slow down for me, and I'd regret not transitioning at a younger age while I actually could.
Quote from: Ashey on December 19, 2013, 12:39:34 AM
'It chose me' as I've seen written elsewhere around here. I only denied it once, and that was as a survival mechanism to get through high school. After that, when I stopped repressing at 20, I felt similar to how I did a decade earlier. I wanted to be female. I knew it couldn't go back in the bottle, so I weighed the pros and cons of transition and the pros won. That's how I accepted it I guess. I just felt like there wasn't much of a choice. And though I waited a while to actually transition (because I wasn't able to start HRT until recently), it never left me. I never had doubts, just practical concerns. But at 27, I still feel like maybe I can pull off being 'a kid' a few more years. Still dress a bit younger, and enjoy myself before I have to really grow up. I owe it to the young girl that I longed to be but never was. So that was a big push to get going on transitioning. That and the notion that time isn't going to slow down for me, and I'd regret not transitioning at a younger age while I actually could.
Completely relate to you. Sadly just a tad bit older even though I feel not a day over 18! xD
I repressed it doing guy stuff,the usual muscle cars,bikes and booze thing.I realised at 21 I was transexual and repressed it for another 10 years til I couldn't stand it any longer,realised this was who I am and sought help
I always knew something was very wrong, but it was not until I read the definition of gender dysphoria that it clicked. 37 years later.
Then it a massive rollercoaster coming to terms with it. At first I wandered around parks just sobbing and thinking what it meant to my life- playing scenes over and over. But the thing that finally helped - I researched. The science behind it, peoples experience and advise on youtube... I just crammed everything in and let it percolate. Having information at hand helped me digest it all, and accept. I came out to a close friend and she helped too.
Good luck.
For me I've always known since 4. It took me along time to not to deny . Along the way I've taught myself to become a woman. Learning to dress properly ,do my hair and make up . I was fortunate early on to hang around a group of girls going to an all girls college. I learned about being a girl . They accepted me as girl friend . Through out my life I've worked at it. I sought out help from therapy ,but at the time I think they thought the proper road was to try to have me except the male. I was too introverted to pursue the tools I needed to become me. I made it though and I'm one happy little camper.
A switch flipped for me. It's just how I work, I think... why fight what you know is true? Give in and go with the flow. That's me on lots of things.
That is to say... I didn't know or believe it was true. I came out as a teen, but it was more of a "I want to be a girl and don't understand any of it" than "I am transgender and this is what that means." This let others influence my situation and repress it.
The years of repression included gender play: online and in my head, both sexually and not. To me it was just a fetish. I also came across the false condition of "autogynephila," which kept me firmly seated in denial and repression.
When I came out, it took about 3 days and I've identified as female gendered and transgender since. I've also back filled all those years - I know I've always been female... I was just trying to change that to match my body instead of the other way round.
I'm going to admit, I'm still learning to accept it.
I've known since I was 13 years old that I was experiencing gender dysphoria... to the point where I knew I wanted to be a girl, I knew I wanted SRS, and I hated every single damned thing about being a guy. And yet, since that same very beginning, I've been repressing it, and refusing to admit it. I spent 10 years in the biggest form of denial of all... actively trying to pray the desires away, and believing that God had "cured" me even though He didn't, and the desires kept coming back. And yet, all this time, I've been running from it.
And in many ways, I'm still running. Even now, 11 months into hormones, having been full-time for a period of nearly 2 months straight, which I consider to be the absolute happiest months of my entire adult life socially, even after coming out publicly, even with my genital dysphoria now reaching the point where I can't even function sexually because it bothers me so much, even after realizing a long time ago that all of my doubts were completely about how society was going to treat me, and being afraid of not "fitting in," I still can't do it. I'm still afraid of that exact same thing, and it's still keeping me from going full-time and getting it over with, because I'm still petrified by the fear of how I'm going to be treated by others. So in a way, I still haven't come to terms with my gender identity. I'm still allowing myself to see it as this deviant thing that I'm ashamed of and that I have to hide from everyone, and I'm still scared to death of being visibly trans. And I'm still fighting against my gender identity, even though transition has improved my functioning on the most basic of levels in pretty much every single way imaginable. I still can't just accept it and get on with my life.
It takes a long time. Especially when you've spent so long trying to tell yourself that it was impossible and that nobody would understand you. Old habits die hard.
The thing that's helping me come to terms with it slowly, is the mirror... because the more and more feminine I'm getting, the happier I'm getting. And the more femininity I see in myself, the more I'm starting to smile. It's pretty hard to deny what your gender identity is when suddenly you're actually starting to like your reflection for the first time in your life, after 14 straight years of feeling completely miserable every single time I saw myself.
I dont really know how to answer this, but i really really relate to Ashey and a couple of others. I dont struggle at all with accepting my gender, but relaying my gender to other people is another matter entirely. Internally I know, but logically and socially, I struggle with an accepted way to convey it to others. Ive been trying to keep this bottled for so long that the protective instincts and posture that I have used to shut people off are hard to stop. Im lonely, im dieing, and the only person to blame for that is myself. I have opened up to several friends, and well, noone has freaked nearly as much as I expected. I accept who I am, but my dilemma is, can others?
I always accepted it.... even after several decades of playing the male role there was no rejection to the fact that I was and I am a female....
I endured many forms of torture, abuse, and punishment but I never repudiated I never give up...conformed...to do so would have meant death...
Was sitting on a bench next to a corral watching elk on a hillside and yelled as loud as possible that I was transgender, and I couldn't hide it anymore. It had been bothering me for years, and that day it came to a peak. It wasn't a brave thing to do 'cause nobody was within 5 miles, just the elk. And because of fear I couldn't do anything about it for several more years. But the day I started hormones I knew my life was going to change, and I was never going back.
Quote from: Ashey on December 19, 2013, 12:39:34 AM
'It chose me' as I've seen written elsewhere around here. I only denied it once, and that was as a survival mechanism to get through high school. After that, when I stopped repressing at 20, I felt similar to how I did a decade earlier. I wanted to be female. I knew it couldn't go back in the bottle, so I weighed the pros and cons of transition and the pros won. That's how I accepted it I guess. I just felt like there wasn't much of a choice. And though I waited a while to actually transition (because I wasn't able to start HRT until recently), it never left me. I never had doubts, just practical concerns. But at 27, I still feel like maybe I can pull off being 'a kid' a few more years. Still dress a bit younger, and enjoy myself before I have to really grow up. I owe it to the young girl that I longed to be but never was. So that was a big push to get going on transitioning. That and the notion that time isn't going to slow down for me, and I'd regret not transitioning at a younger age while I actually could.
Ashley's situation above is the one I've read so far that closely resembles mine. Although I knew at a very young age I was different it was a few years until I finally understood why. I then had to because of having an Italian for an adoptive father had to cope as best I could and put on a good front for being a guy. However on the inside I was always a girl. I still remember the horrors as a child of being forced to have my hair cut short. However even with short hair I still looked more like a girl than a guy. Things began to get easier for me when my adoptive parents got divorced. However it would still be years before I could begin my transition due to family and now at 50 I'm hoping it's not too late for me to enjoy life as who I am both inside and outside.
I completely relate to trying to push it all away.
It just ended up that I had a breakdown and most likely would've tried to kill myself (again) if I didn't say something to someone. In a fit of courage I sent a two sentence email to a therapist, and have been steadily feeling better ever since.
For me it was counselling. I cried like a baby when I was finally able to say "it's ok to me" and this was not something I should be ashamed of. My counsellor was brilliant as I think my denial was too strong for me to have got there on my own. I believe that in my case everything has been onwards and upwards from that moment on.
Actually my moment was acceptance of myself as a woman, not a transsexual. I see the transsexual part as being my past, when I lived as a male. I'm am now all woman, nothing more and nothing less, and the internal conflict has gone!!
i never really had any kind of issue with it in the traditional sense until i got to a point where i realized that a big part of my anxiety issues was the fact that i just dont like my body how it is. once i started opening up to the idea it was a gradual transition from wondering if i legitimately cared to realizing how much happier i would be as a woman. this came about by feminizing my behavior and appearance. mostly movement makeup and cheap jewelry. after that i noticed that i was comfortable with a higher pitched laugh. sitting or laying in ways that are typically considered feminine. it was more about testing the waters to see whether the change felt positive. fortunately ive had very supportive people around me recently who have encouraged it and treated it exactly right. no big deal but not nothing.
now im doing the research as much as i can and im giddy every time i think about post op. im not out mostly. its nerve wracking to post this. but im so excited just to start.
im not a typical case though from what i gather. most trans women seem miserable as men. fortunately my teen years (and my family) brought to me a sense of whatever will be will be. a realism i guess.
i think that if i were denied transition it would really have a serious negative effect on me. its so engrained as a definite now that i really dont want to consider the possibility of living the rest of my life as a man.
anyway. my point is that i tend to accept things as they are when necessary. so it wasnt so much a matter of coming to terms as okay. what now.and now that i know its like seeing a beautiful spring day for the first time.
For me it was actually a relief.
I spent most of my life being bewildered by the way that the world treated me, and being bewildered by the male role that I was expected to play. I could never figure out exactly why I felt that way, but I knew that I didn't like it. Drinking and compensating and all of the other various ways that we try to adjust to living in the wrong gender role ensued.
When I got to 45 I began to figure out that I am trans, and my relief started - I finally had my answer to that life long question.
Most of the anxiety I feel now is not about accepting who i am; rather it is anxiety about fitting into my new role. There is so much to learn and I feel like I'm a very ugly, awkward bull in a china closet at times while I'm trying to learn it.
I came from a really conservative family. They all wanted so many things from me when it came to behavior, beliefs, etc. so it was hard, really hard to come to terms with what I am due to the fact that I knew, no two ways about it, what would happen if I ever moved towards 'transition' (a word I didn't even let myself know.)
I came out three times, and then immediately 'boxed' (repressed) the memories of them, over and over again. I struggled with it in my mannerisms and day to day life. It would pop out and I would do what I could to push it back down.
As every girl like me does at some point, I finally lost the ability to play dumb/deny/whatever and so, *bam* there I was like a newborn babe just shoved into the world. I *completely* lost the ability to lie about it. Overnight. There was no 'transition' for me in that way. I just hid in my room for a couple of months while my brain did its thing and then, I came out and was whole but very raw.
For the first six months to a year, I was so relieved that I didn't really do a lot of introspection and reflection on being trans or whatever. After that though, I started wrestling with how much easier it would have been if I'd have not came out or how the hell I have a female mind here in this body which bends the wrong ways and feels a lot wrong, all of the time (hormones only help so much.)
Over time, I had to simply experience life as myself to come to terms with it. Being myself all the time, no matter what is very validating. I had to experiment and grow as a person (I have a whole rant on delayed maturation of a trans-woman's personality that I could get into but I'll save it). I tried new things, new people, and really felt it out as to whether or not I was being 'genuine' or 'fooling myself'. Day by day, my certainty grew and my doubts went away and, over time, it went away completely.
I'm still not completely comfortable. I doubt that even post-op will change the fact that my body feels... 'off' but I have become comfortable in who I am as a person, through and through and that's the essence of 'acceptance'.
Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on December 20, 2013, 09:17:18 AM
I came from a really conservative family. They all wanted so many things from me when it came to behavior, beliefs, etc. so it was hard, really hard to come to terms with what I am due to the fact that I knew, no two ways about it, what would happen if I ever moved towards 'transition' (a word I didn't even let myself know.)
I came out three times, and then immediately 'boxed' (repressed) the memories of them, over and over again. I struggled with it in my mannerisms and day to day life. It would pop out and I would do what I could to push it back down.
As every girl like me does at some point, I finally lost the ability to play dumb/deny/whatever and so, *bam* there I was like a newborn babe just shoved into the world. I *completely* lost the ability to lie about it. Overnight. There was no 'transition' for me in that way. I just hid in my room for a couple of months while my brain did its thing and then, I came out and was whole but very raw.
For the first six months to a year, I was so relieved that I didn't really do a lot of introspection and reflection on being trans or whatever. After that though, I started wrestling with how much easier it would have been if I'd have not came out or how the hell I have a female mind here in this body which bends the wrong ways and feels a lot wrong, all of the time (hormones only help so much.)
Over time, I had to simply experience life as myself to come to terms with it. Being myself all the time, no matter what is very validating. I had to experiment and grow as a person (I have a whole rant on delayed maturation of a trans-woman's personality that I could get into but I'll save it). I tried new things, new people, and really felt it out as to whether or not I was being 'genuine' or 'fooling myself'. Day by day, my certainty grew and my doubts went away and, over time, it went away completely.
I'm still not completely comfortable. I doubt that even post-op will change the fact that my body feels... 'off' but I have become comfortable in who I am as a person, through and through and that's the essence of 'acceptance'.
Wow.... never fails around here, when I am feeling hopeless, lost and alone, then someone comes along with something I can cling to... Just to be comfortable with myself... Ive been coming out to friends and coworkers recently, and honestly, this is way way way easier and more comfortable than all those years of hiding, running from myself and others, to afraid to show any of it lest someone react how my parents did. I think that part of what makes this hard is I want people to be happy and at ease, and lets face it, some people are not at ease with what they construe to be a blatant attack on social hierarchal order. So I hide to let others have the comfort I am denied...
what, you've got about 50 years to go
Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on December 20, 2013, 09:17:18 AM
I'm still not completely comfortable. I doubt that even post-op will change the fact that my body feels... 'off' but I have become comfortable in who I am as a person, through and through and that's the essence of 'acceptance'.
You have touched on a cord of my life also. Great. And mostly this last paragraph.
K
I just got tired of fighting it
I don't want to sound like an airhead but I was just like, "Duh? People and lovers have been telling me all along so why make it so difficult on my own self?" I don't want to downplay the dysphoria of the process because I am now at a distance mentally from going back. I've experienced my share of bumps in the road and I am enjoying the smoother ride I am now on. To be honest I get excited seeing all my medical identifiers changed to female. I never knew I would be at this point one day and I am so happy. Accepting your gender is something to look forward to and celebrate! Peace.
I dealt with it by living it :p Thankfully, I wasn't one of the people who ever suppressed my feelings & identity to be accepted. I did what I wanted to & gave the finger to anyone who disagreed.
Quote from: Shawna777 on December 18, 2013, 09:47:22 PM
Hi everyone....
I was just wondering how people dealt with accepting themselves as transgender/sexual
For me I've been trying to deny it my whole life doing everything I could to be more "Masculine" doing guy stuff when it bored the hell out of me, constantly telling myself its just a fetish and feeling guilty about it.
After 24 years I am finally starting to accept myself for who I am.
I guess I am just wondering if other people have dealt with the same situations.
Sorry if my post is to broad first one ever ;D
Yup basically the same... knew as a very young kid (by 6yo), hid it and got married etc... tried masculine things but hated and wasn't very good at them...
Tried to come-out to SO's but couldn't do it many times, buried my feelings each time and tried to not think about my true inner feelings... each time my emotions and drive has gotten more intense... so here I am pondering how I tell my SO's
L Katy
Dealing with my gender?? Well, I am a lady, a grandma, a dyke, a deva, a senorita, a madam, a bitch, a mother, an aunt, etc. So I am much more than just a transsexual female. Others can think what they will, for I can only be who, I am, and I can't change the minds of others. I am, who I am, and that's all that I am. What I am not is a male.
:eusa_dance:
Quote from: Shawna777 on December 18, 2013, 09:47:22 PM
For me I've been trying to deny it my whole life doing everything I could to be more "Masculine" doing guy stuff when it bored the hell out of me, constantly telling myself its just a fetish and feeling guilty about it.
After 24 years I am finally starting to accept myself for who I am.
you sound exactly like me :)
I've known since a young age what I tried to deny was my being able to live without doing something about.
Mariah
I think that for the first fifty-three years of my life, I was just being a butch female, and some people saw through it and some people didn't. All I show the world anymore is my female side, even when some people insist on addressing me with male pronouns and the masculine form of my name. I doubt that I can show my female side for as long as I put up a male front, it would make me 106, so if nothing else in the minds of those who still address me with male pronouns and the masculine form of my name, I am redefining what it means to be a male and what a male wears, which includes using women's restrooms because these same people expect me to use the ladies room and not the men's room. I wonder just how they are justifying their logic in all this, if indeed there is some logic to it. I am a born and bred daughter of the Dakotas and I have grown up not making a fuss when others are wrong all the time. This makes it always hard to live with a New Yorker who state their opinions loudly and insist they are right even when they aren't and I live in a southeastern state where some people are polite even when they would like to remove your head from your body and I live in an urban area where many people only see what they want to.
For me, the real hurdle (for almost 30 years) was coming to believe I could do more than just accept my own feelings, but actually act on them. During that time, I couldn't acknowledge the truth seriously because I "knew" that I could never actually face the reality of coming out. A couple months ago, my wife (who has long known I wished to be female, though only recenty understood the sincerity and strength of that wish) mentioned in passing that I could be a girl if I wanted to, and that led to a pretty quick realization that she was right: I really could. Once that hit home, doubts pretty much evaporated and I more or less immediately accepted that I'm a woman.
Both my therapist and father (who I came out to yesterday, woo me!) commented that they were amazed by how comfortable I was when I talked about this and how much more open I am in talking about myself and my feelings. It amazes me too, actually. I can't grasp how I could possibly not have known this just a few months ago.
That is the thing that got me. Many people saw through the act and made remarks until I started my transition and once I started the remarks virtually went away and now completely have. Sometimes they seem to more about what is going on with us then we do ourselves.
Mariah
Quote from: michelle on January 02, 2015, 11:36:48 PM
I think that for the first fifty-three years of my life, I was just being a butch female, and some people saw through it and some people didn't. All I show the world anymore is my female side, even when some people insist on addressing me with male pronouns and the masculine form of my name. I doubt that I can show my female side for as long as I put up a male front, it would make me 106, so if nothing else in the minds of those who still address me with male pronouns and the masculine form of my name, I am redefining what it means to be a male and what a male wears, which includes using women's restrooms because these same people expect me to use the ladies room and not the men's room. I wonder just how they are justifying their logic in all this, if indeed there is some logic to it. I am a born and bred daughter of the Dakotas and I have grown up not making a fuss when others are wrong all the time. This makes it always hard to live with a New Yorker who state their opinions loudly and insist they are right even when they aren't and I live in a southeastern state where some people are polite even when they would like to remove your head from your body and I live in an urban area where many people only see what they want to.
For me, I was fine with how I was even when I was young. I just didn't have a name for it. While growing up I watched things like 'The Rocky Horror Show' but none of them really applied to what I felt. Eventually I saw younger transsexual people on tv (like Kim Petras) and I connected with how their transgenderness portrayed in their childhoods. I then began seeing a gender psychologist called Karen and when she officially diagnosed me as an M to F transwoman, I felt soo relieved. I actually had a name for what I was. That the reason why I acted so differently from other people was a real thing.
Quote from: evecrook on December 02, 2014, 10:39:37 PM
I just got tired of fighting it
This, pretty much.
It just crept up and one day just sucker punched me like the knock out game.
As far as acceptance goes, I absolutely accept myself as a woman. Others? They're a bit behind, but I'll learn 'em.
I've known since I was very young. During my teens and early 20s I did what I could to deny it the best I could by trying to act as masculine as possible. The denial and emotional battle in my head was driving me crazy though. It got to a point where I couldn't really focus on anything but justifying to myself why I wasn't trans. Then one day I got to a point where I couldn't deal with it anymore and from that point I stopped worrying and just let myself be okay with who I was.
QuoteI spent most of my life being bewildered by the way that the world treated me, and being bewildered by the male role that I was expected to play. I could never figure out exactly why I felt that way, but I knew that I didn't like it. Drinking and compensating and all of the other various ways that we try to adjust to living in the wrong gender role ensued.
When I got to 45 I began to figure out that I am trans, and my relief started - I finally had my answer to that life long question.
Most of the anxiety I feel now is not about accepting who i am; rather it is anxiety about fitting into my new role. There is so much to learn and I feel like I'm a very ugly, awkward bull in a china closet at times while I'm trying to learn it.
Yup, that's me too. It's actually funny when I look back and see how I spent so much of my life pretending I knew where I was going and what I was doing, when in fact I didn't have a bloody clue, lol.
Of course I felt fear when I eventually realised but the relief was way bigger....'OMG! So I'm not just a miserable, ungrateful nut job for no reason after all!!' :D
For years, I just tended to avoid feminine things. I always ducked out of shopping with my daughter, saying it was girl thing. I knew it would send my dysphoria into overdrive. Now, I want to go shopping with her despite my dysphoria. Now that's she's a teenager, she doesn't want Dad around.
Acceptance came easy. I did it when I was a child. The hard part was always doing something about it and setting things right. I was dressing as a girl by the time I was 11. I felt more myself then than I ever did as a boy. I didn't know until I was 19 that I could be a girl. I didn't seek help because the path to transition wasn't made as clear as it has become today. It worked out though because I eventually had a son. I have 2 wonderful Daughters as well and my wife, whom I thought would leave me has been so supportive.