Hey everyone, my first post on here, because I need help...
My son was born this Tuesday to my wife, and today is my 1 month on HRT (self medicated so far, seeing doctor next week)
At this stage he just wakes up, cries until he can breastfeed, then sleeps. It hurts me very much every time I'm holding my child and can't breastfeed him, when he cries I have to hand him over. I have the irrational thoughts that my baby doesn't want me and that I can't comfort him, and it makes me cry or shut down. It feels like I can't be the mother to my baby that I want to be. It feels like my dysphoria is being triggered by every thought around my baby. Everyone is calling me "daddy" and at this stage in my transition I'm having a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and seeing myself as "mommy". So right now I don't feel like a mommy or a daddy. I didn't think the birth of my first child would trigger this much inner conflict. My wife told me today that this is the most disconnected from me she's ever felt.
I don't know how to cope with this. I try and tell myself it's not all about me, and my wife has tried to comfort me saying there are other ways I can comfort the baby, but... this all just hurts.
Any words of advice would be great...
Cameron:
First off, take heart that you have what appears to be a supportive partner. So very often transition results in dissolution, about 90% of the time. So what you have is very special.
A child, especially a newborn, is very much attached to their mother. Unfortunate but true. Not only for feeding, but physiological and psychological needs. Mother and child form a special bond.
However.
Your role as caregiver is equally important. You too can form a bond. If your wife can pump breast milk, it can be stored and fed from a bottle, so you to can feed him.
If you wish to have the psychological experience of breast feeding there is a way. There is a vest that can be worn that has an arrangement of tubes and nipples so that milk can be fed to the child and held in the same position and manner as regular breastfeeding.
This is a difficult stage in transition. It is made even more difficult with the additional stress of a new birth. But take heart, it will pass. But please don't cut yourself off from your wife or your child.
No matter what you will always be a parent to your child. It really doesn't matter whether you think of yourself as "mom" or "dad". Love your child.
-Sandty
the best thing you can do is to strip down, strip your baby down, and hold him skin to skin frequently. And give it about a month...trust me
Hi Cameron,
A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.
There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.
Please don't be discouraged by what's happening to and with you at the moment. It's very natural for a person like yourself. I've been there, done that, got the T-shirt. I took it to the extent of finding out what I had to do to lactate; and that's where I stopped. Hormones had a bad reputation in those days.
Learning from my mistakes at the time, I believe now is the time for you to discuss your needs and desires with a gender therapist. If nurturing your own child has that greater impact on you, remember you do have the option to adopt or find a surrogate, once you've transitioned. But that's probably a quantum leap from where you are at the moment.
Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Quote from: Cameron on December 21, 2013, 05:00:22 AM
Hey everyone, my first post on here, because I need help...
My son was born this Tuesday to my wife, and today is my 1 month on HRT (self medicated so far, seeing doctor next week)
At this stage he just wakes up, cries until he can breastfeed, then sleeps. It hurts me very much every time I'm holding my child and can't breastfeed him, when he cries I have to hand him over. I have the irrational thoughts that my baby doesn't want me and that I can't comfort him, and it makes me cry or shut down. It feels like I can't be the mother to my baby that I want to be. It feels like my dysphoria is being triggered by every thought around my baby. Everyone is calling me "daddy" and at this stage in my transition I'm having a hard time looking at myself in the mirror and seeing myself as "mommy". So right now I don't feel like a mommy or a daddy. I didn't think the birth of my first child would trigger this much inner conflict. My wife told me today that this is the most disconnected from me she's ever felt.
I don't know how to cope with this. I try and tell myself it's not all about me, and my wife has tried to comfort me saying there are other ways I can comfort the baby, but... this all just hurts.
Any words of advice would be great...
I have 5 kids, and to them I am now the "other Mom." I went through 4 birth experience, on e was twins. It is hard, like you I wish I had carried them inside me, and had breast fed them...
But I did bond by doing the skin-to-skin, feeding, baths, etc...
My youngest girl told me once when she was about 11 "I always knew that you were a she," I said: "because the way I dressed?" She said: "no, you silly; because you never treated us the ways other dads did but you treated us and did the things other Moms did."
I am telling you this little ^^^ bit of story with the hopes that it will infuse you with some hope and optimism!
Hold them, love them, be there for them, listen to them.. they grow so fast..and then they live....fortunately I still have 3 at home... One Marine afloat somewhere, and my second boy in College...fortunately they are both are coming for x-mas next week...
Quote from: Oriah on December 21, 2013, 08:34:22 AM
the best thing you can do is to strip down, strip your baby down, and hold him skin to skin frequently. And give it about a month...trust me
I also had a hard time immediately after the birth of our sons, and several years later I read about skin to skin feedings. It was an eye opener. Both my sons were born in the summer, and at the start of our hot summer days here in Cali. JoAnn had that wonderful experience of breast feeding, but we both often bottle fed the boys, and due to hot weather our babies were often only in diapers. Skin to skin was the norm in the summer, and it was a strangely comforting and relaxing experience. I often wished I could breast feed, but having my sons suckle on a bottle while their wide eyes watched mine, and those tiny little fingers flailed as they learned to grasp was very satisfying.
And at the end of the feedings there was sometimes a great let down. Not because the experience had to end, but because their diapers filled with crap and I was quickly brought to my senses. ;D
Your gonna do fine Cameron. Join your child in the beauty of discovering his world.
Skin to skin is a wonderful bonding experience. Also love bath time, which is normally my bonding time with my son. There's a slew of ways to bond, give it some time and find what works for you.
*hugs* Others have had some great suggestions! I don't know if this will help, but I have several lesbian friends who all recently had babies, and in each couple only one woman can breastfeed. At least one of the non-lactating partners has expressed some of the same feelings you do... but I bet you'd say she's STILL that baby's mom, and I hope you can be as gentle with yourself. :)
I went through this with my son, and my brother went through it with his. Both of us were really upset about a month or two after our kids were born because we felt so utterly useless. We both felt like we were terrible parents and had nothing of value to contribute. When our kids would cry, their moms were the only ones who could do anything about it. The only difference between my brother and myself is that I had the added longings of wanting to feed and bond with my child, same as you. This is common in parents everywhere, transgendered or not.
Trust me, it does gets better. When your child starts interacting, all of these feelings will melt away. When your son starts crawling and reaching for you, your bond will be as just as strong as your partner's.
So hang in there. You're not alone, it does get easier, and it's all worth it in the end :)
Maybe professionals need to look more into male postpartum depression. It seems it is more prevalent than I realized.
Quote from: LordKAT on December 21, 2013, 03:10:21 PM
Maybe professionals need to look more into male postpartum depression. It seems it is more prevalent than I realized.
Actually there are quite a few studies about it. Googling "male postpartum" comes up with a lot of relevant results.
I think most of us get at least a small amount of depression with our first child. The only difference between any of us is how hard it hits us and how long it lasts. I still get it on those tough days. The important thing to remember is that it's perfectly normal to feel this way. It does
not make you a bad parent.
Not even a little.
*hug*
Thank you for all your replies... I was semi afraid to log on again tonight and read everyone's replies, but after kinda having another breakdown I decided to read them all with my wife, and now I feel a lot better... It really helped to talk to people who have been through all of this.
Sandy-
Thank you very much, I feel so blessed to have a partner that 100% supports me. Without her I wouldn't be transitioning.
I feel more like I'm longing for the impossible, as probably most of us have our entire lives. Witnessing that special bond between mother and child only proliferates those thoughts.
I never dreamed of cutting myself off from them, no worries. Thank you for your comforting words. it will pass...
.:.
Oriah-
Give it about a month for what, can I ask?
Catherine-
I do plan on staying a while, it took me a bit of time to build up the courage to finally post something after reading everyone's stories for a while.
Its comforting to hear how many people have been through this. Hopefully I can get an appointment this week or the following... Thank you!
.:.
Peky-
Are you called simply "mom", thought? Even though there are two?
I think seeing her body change and transition woke me up!
The only experience I've had so far is a little girl walking up to me in the grocery store where I work and asking "Are you a boy or a girl?" I don't think she can comprehend how happy she made me. Thank you for your insight.
.:.
Kathyk-
It's comforting to hear your experiences.. Her milk only just came in today so we haven't bottled any, but I think I will do the skin-to-skin bottle feeding... I feel it will only take a little time for me to accept that I won't breastfeed, but I can still do something similar.
My wife and I were reading through this together, she cracked up at your joke! thank you..
.:.
Kittykat-
I feel like more bonding opportunities will arise in time, past this stage of constantly just needing mom :O
.:.
JennaMarie-
Thanks for the hug, I needed one today! And that is a great point to make, shifting perspectives...
.:.
AucoraBorealis-
You know, when I was writing my post I was searching for that word. I do feel utterly useless. Also what saddens me is that I have to return to work, while she gets to stay home, feed and bond. Oh how I wish the roles were reversed. That really makes me sad, if my body was different...
Thank you for the reassurance... I felt alone until I read everyone's replies today. Thank you.
.:.
LordKat-
Maybe non-lactating partner postpartum depression? I wouldn't want to be thrown into all the male statistics... Maybe that's just me though!
.:.
Tis fine, BTW, if you are in the US, FMLA says you get 12 weeks to bond with your kid and keep your job. Your job doesn't have to pay you though, so it depends on if you can afford it.
It's awesome that your wife is willing to read these replies with you. She sounds like a pretty awesome lady!
I'm having another child in 7-8 months, so I'm sure I'll be going through this again. A lot of us have been there. If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate. It sounds like you and I are at similar stages of our transition too :)
-LordKat
I'm over in California, and sadly I can't afford it... Hell, I asked for 4 days off in advance, and after he was born I called and proposed 5, and he declined! I haven't been working there a whole year so I don't legally qualify for even 1 day off... Gotta love America.
-Aucora
It's so awesome to have someone to cry with and eat ice cream! I hope your experience isn't too rough, knowing that it is indeed coming again... Are you around 1 month as well? I've felt like an emotional roller coaster this week!
Not exactly! I'm starting January 17th, but I've been on HRT before (for four months, back in 2009/2010) so I guess that balances it out? LOL. My transition is a complicated one. I won't hijack your thread with specifics.
Here's a link to the abridged version (I know I'm not supposed to cross-link, but it's to save space in this case): https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,156068.0.html (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,156068.0.html)
Quote
Peky-
Are you called simply "mom", thought? Even though there are two?
Yes and No, my oldest calls me Dad at home and Mom in public, the rest 2 boys and 2 girls call me Mom all the time, which infuriates my ex to no end.. LOL
When asked by stranger they refer to my ex-wife as the bio Mom.. I do the same, I refer to my ex by her given name, and when people asks I said that she is my kids bio Mom.... LOL
So you understand this ^^^ dynamics, let me tell you that my ex left us -long before I transition- with many debts, aching hearts and confusion... the kids took her abandonment very hard... I have to do a lot of counseling to mend the pain and anger but they got over it.
Quote from: Cameron on December 22, 2013, 02:39:20 AM
Peky-
Are you called simply "mom", thought? Even though there are two?
.:.
Even though you posed the question to Peky, I have had to contemplate this too. Though my situation is different than yours.
Both my daughters were adult when I came out. And their loving response to me gave me the strength to on. They said they would rather have a living parent than a dead father.
I am NOT mom, mother or anything else like that. I am and will always be their father. I can't change that nor would I want to. That honor belongs to their mother.
I asked that they simply call me Sandy. In public, on occasion they would forget and call me dad. An amusing situation when people would notice and look at me and wonder. It was their problem not mine.
However...
I am and have always been Grandma Sandy to my grandkids. They were raised with me post-transition and so only saw a woman. My oldest granddaughter is old enough to know and understand. But it changes nothing in her love of me. She thinks that my transition is cool and makes me special. She is so neat!
-Sandy
Quote from: Cameron on December 22, 2013, 02:39:20 AM
Oriah-
Give it about a month for what, can I ask?
the baby's world is very small at this age. The capacity for attachment is limited, typically to one person. At this stage, the infant's primary needs are centered around eating. They become attached to the one that feeds them.....it happened with mine (3 1/2 months now). After the one month mark, he started to bond to me more, and now he asks for me just like he asks for his other mama, and he gets upset when I'm gone for more than an hour. What I found helps is to offer something different from the other parent. I spend a lot of time singing to him, something nobody else does....
I have had similar feelings and thoughts. Keep us posted on your HRT. Hugs shannon
Hi Cameron,
The advice of all the wonderful women on your thread is amazing. But before you lose your confidence again and feel like you don't add anything to your baby's life, read my story and realize it could be so much worse.
I was married at 21, in 1976, and tried to stop the marriage before it happened because my Dysphoria was growing huge again and I realized once more for a time that no woman could save me from being transsexual. In late '77, when I was having an affair with a guy, shaving my legs, seeing him as a woman only and still in a very unhappy marriage, she thought she was pregnant and told me she'd get an abortion if she was, because I couldn't be trusted to be any baby's father, because I was 'more of a woman' than she was. We divorced, and I met a woman the next year, and the night we first made love my legs and underarms were shaved, which was pretty hard for her not to notice. When we got seriously involved I tried to pull back completely from my Gender Dysphoria, but she could tell I wasn't succeeding well. I got her pregnant and after three months she said she had a miscarriage, but to this day I don't know if she had an abortion or miscarriage. I reconnected with her on Facebook as friends and she told me she was glad the baby didn't make it because she knew I was a woman inside and she needed a man. In '82 I got a girl I was living with pregnant and she had an abortion with an exclamation point, telling me, "If you were the last man on earth I wouldn't have this baby, because you're not a man anyway, and you'll never be there for us when we need you." Believe it or not, it happened again with the same woman the next year, and for years I've felt terrible guilt that I had a part in both abortions and that I'm childless. I always felt I'd be a good parent, either as a mom or dad. If the child was a boy, I was an extremely good athlete, knew a great deal about sports and was very patient as a teacher, but I wouldn't push. I feel even more positive I'd have been a good parent to a daughter. Because I was honest, or more truthfully, because I couldn't hide who I really was, I have no one to be a parent to and it still hurts, especially around Christmas. I hear some women say they're glad they're trans, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone, because of how it affected me in every single aspect of my life, but so intensely on this very subject, children. Still, since I know that unrelenting heartache almost invariably accompanies an mtf trans who doesn't transition, I would recommend transition to each and every transgendered woman. I'm usually quite happy and at peace, but threads such as this one can stir up emotions lurking in an unhappy past. Hugs, Mira