A little while ago I was talking to my brother, and he said none of my friends would like me if they knew I was 'lying' to them about being a guy. It's been bugging me for a while, have you guys ever been told something like this and what did you think about it?
You're presenting to them as your true self...so where does the lying come in? I won't lie to you. Cis people can be very judgmental. It's because they don't understand being transgender because they haven't experienced it. It's alien to them, that's all.
This is sorta like something I'm going through at the moment with my wife's family. Her aunt and cousin clocked me (they are both GLBT friendly). When people notice transition changes sometimes tongues will wag, it's human nature. My wife was asked if I was transgender. She left it up to me to respond. I simply said, "Yes, I am. It's not something I am ashamed of but it's not something I tell everyone. I wouldn't even know how to begin a conversation about something so private. If you ask me I am honest but really what does it matter?". They both said they loved me and they wouldn't tell anyone else. So far they have kept their word.
Just live your life the best way you know how. If you are ever asked assess the people asking, the situation, and act accordingly.
See here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,155363.0.html
Quote from: Simon on December 23, 2013, 08:04:44 PM
You're presenting to them as your true self...so where does the lying come in?
This ^
I'm still living as a female right now, and honestly, I feel like a fraud and that I'm lying to people. It's like I'm wearing a mask to the world. As a guy, what would I be lying about: that I have a little bit more flesh on my chest than I should and a lot less flesh between my legs than I'd like to have (which I do plan on having both situations corrected in the future)? Even though I do plan on telling any close friends I meet that I'm trans, it's really none of their buisness what I have or don't have under my clothes. It's not like I have plans on sleeping with them.
I could still see how some trans people may still think it's lying in a sense, and in that situation I would personally say pick the lesser of the two evils, or which is the better "lie" (not saying everyone must agree with this approach). For my situation right now, the cheapest and most convient lie is to let the world assume I'm a woman. Later on, I'll just let the world assume that I have a fully functional penis and a non-surgically altered male chest, though a bit on the fleshy side since I'm a larger dude.
In friendships, I think the standard is different. Aside from my childhood friend and a few university buddies, no one knows. For Sara, I've known her since I was 9 so she's family, and uni friends have known me since before transition. But with everyone else, I don't tell them I'm trans.
I've had a few clock me or ask, and when they do I have no problem saying "yeah, I'm transsexual." If someone asks or clocks me I'm honest, but if they don't, I don't offer the information freely. Unless they see me naked, which has only amounted to my husband Joe, my doc and Sara, I see no reason to tell them.
Honestly the only guy who has ever asked was a gay guy (my bosses' son) and that was because he assumed I was single and wanted to date me. Most dudes aren't going to ask, in my experience.
Thank you very much dudes. This makes me feel a whole lot better, I'm glad theres a place where such insightful people can help others.
I agree with what the others have said and would like to add that, just because we're trans, that doesn't make our medical history and/or genitalia anyone's business.
If you were cis "dressing up" as a man and trying to trick people believe you are something you're not,then I would agree with what he said. But thats not a transmale. We are presenting as we feel we truly are not trying to present as something we are not. If they couldn't reattach John Bobbits penis would he have been lying to people saying he was a man? Of course not. It not about sex organs, its about who we truly are.
Sorry for poking my nose in, but I've been faced with this same accusatory conversation from the other side of the fence. Something I realised which applies to people equally, I think, is that a distinction has to be made about what constitutes 'being'.
I actually asked the person who I had the conversation with what aspects they considered lying. And what it was about me that they felt didn't qualify as me 'being' who I am. Their answer was predictable. Appearance and anatomy. I could see that coming a mile away. So, I posed the question of what beyond that led them to believe I wasn't being truthful about myself.
Their answer was somewhat surprising.
"What else is there?"
And that's when I realised the heart of the matter. What constitutes 'being'. See, for the person I was speaking to, being something involved nothing more than looking like what you were supposed to be. And that's it. I realised at that point that this person was inclined to feel that way because they never had to think beyond that. To actually reflect on what it is that constitutes actually being who you are. The way you feel about things, the way you perceive yourself, the way you comport yourself, your outlook on life and, in essence, your entire psychological makeup.
And in that, I realised that I had an entirely different definition of what it meant to be. It is not about how you look, it's about who you are, and what you do. It's about the impact you make on the world, the impact you make on the people around you, the way you perceive life, and the way you live it. That's what it means to be. For me, anyway.
I tend to think of it like a cake. For me, the physical and anatomical part is the icing. But the cake itself is made up of multiple layers - mixed, set and baked over time by self-reflection, discovery, understanding. Layer upon layer, providing a complex and complete flavour of a person. The icing is what most people see. What they judge you by. How pristine it is, how appealing it looks. But it's only a very thin skin over something entirely more wholesome.
The cake is most definitely not a lie. And when someone questions the truth of your existence - however far along you are in your transition - remember that no matter what the flavour of your icing, what lies beneath that is the substance of who you are.
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Sorry, that was my long winded ramble for the day.