For a while I've been uncomfortable thinking about my birth sex and my old self but I have finally worked through my feelings and I feel a lot more comfortable about it and it makes a lot more sense.
I now feel disconnected from the 'girl' I used to be. I pity her. I want to hug her and tell her nothing was her fault. It doesn't feel like 'she' used to be me. 'She' feels like my little sister who killed herself because of all of the pain. I'm now her big brother who is a lot stronger, and who can take away some of the pain she felt. I still carry some of it for her, and some of it will never disappear, but she's gone now and I'm a lot happier. I look back on her life with tears of joy and pain. She had some good times but had a lot more bad times. She's not suffering anymore, and I can finally lay her to rest.
I feel comfortable now, and I'm really happy. Transitioning is the best thing that I've ever done. If I could hug my old self and tell 'her' it will be ok and tell her not to self harm, I would. I'm so glad that 'she' gave me a chance to be who I am. If it wasn't for her and her struggles, I wouldn't be who I am today.
I'm proud of myself too. I'm proud of myself for standing up to everyone and what they had planned for me. At first everybody said that I would regret this and I should try and be happy as a girl. I tried that for 18 years. I wasn't going to punish myself for something that I couldn't help. I am transgender, that is who I am. It doesn't define me, but I'm comfortable with it now. My old self couldn't handle that, but I can. It saddens me to look back at old photos and to see the pain in 'her' eyes. 'She' is free from that pain now. I'm a man. My body doesn't define that. Everybody can see how much happier I am and despite their initial feelings, they know that it's right.
You've come a long way this past year or so. I've noticed the difference. Glad evenings been working out, can't wait to see how you feel as you get even further into your transition.
Quote from: Joe. on December 26, 2013, 12:05:15 PM
For a while I've been uncomfortable thinking about my birth sex and my old self but I have finally worked through my feelings and I feel a lot more comfortable about it and it makes a lot more sense.
I now feel disconnected from the 'girl' I used to be. I pity her. I want to hug her and tell her nothing was her fault. It doesn't feel like 'she' used to be me. 'She' feels like my little sister who killed herself because of all of the pain. I'm now her big brother who is a lot stronger, and who can take away some of the pain she felt. I still carry some of it for her, and some of it will never disappear, but she's gone now and I'm a lot happier. I look back on her life with tears of joy and pain. She had some good times but had a lot more bad times. She's not suffering anymore, and I can finally lay her to rest.
I feel comfortable now, and I'm really happy. Transitioning is the best thing that I've ever done. If I could hug my old self and tell 'her' it will be ok and tell her not to self harm, I would. I'm so glad that 'she' gave me a chance to be who I am. If it wasn't for her and her struggles, I wouldn't be who I am today.
I'm proud of myself too. I'm proud of myself for standing up to everyone and what they had planned for me. At first everybody said that I would regret this and I should try and be happy as a girl. I tried that for 18 years. I wasn't going to punish myself for something that I couldn't help. I am transgender, that is who I am. It doesn't define me, but I'm comfortable with it now. My old self couldn't handle that, but I can. It saddens me to look back at old photos and to see the pain in 'her' eyes. 'She' is free from that pain now. I'm a man. My body doesn't define that. Everybody can see how much happier I am and despite their initial feelings, they know that it's right.
I hope you can see this is a huge step. I actually like the "hug the girl" thing.
I think you are coming to terms with who you are in a good way. What a big change in less than a year!
--Jay
I felt this way a few years back when I came across photos of my old self. You know, she wasn't all bad. In some ways I missed her. But I knew she was never happy and never would be. Now I am myself, and am ecstatic each and every day that I get to be me.
Now I look at old photos and am no longer nostalgic, nor do I miss her. Now she looks like a stranger to me.
Jay
OP..that's really beautiful. I just crawled out of bed, it was the first thing I read today. I'm now crying tears of joy for you. I'm so glad people can post like this here. Hugs and keep strong.
I forget that I was anything other than who I am now, but my memories terrible, so that might have something to do with it. If I see old photos of myself I stop and think, "Was this really me?" and I suppose the answer is both yes, and no. Yes, I experienced the things that that person went through, but that wasn't really me, that was a pretence that I had grown up believing was real life.
There is a peace which comes from moving on from your past, and sorting things out in your head, and I think that comes differently for everyone. For me it happened when I sorted through the scant few photographs of my childhood, putting them in order, finding little indications that I had always been male. Maybe I was just looking for them and seeing things that I wanted to see, but it was enough for me. I laid them out, put them in order, and then hid them under my bed. A few months later I was cleaning out my room and threw them away without a second thought; that was the past, and I am who I am now.
You should be proud, because you've come through this, your being yourself, and you're being happier for it. And merlin knows that you've done better than I have.
Quote from: sneakersjay on December 27, 2013, 07:21:16 AM
Now I look at old photos and am no longer nostalgic, nor do I miss her. Now she looks like a stranger to me.
This ^
It's rare that I come across old photos of my previous life. When I do I feel disconnected from that person. When I hear my birth name it's the same feeling. I'm a rational person so I know that was me but each year since I went full time the connection has become less and less. I think it helps though because that person was depressed, angry, and lost. That person had a lot of pain in them. I'm glad that they're not here anymore.
It's funny maybe due to the fact that I made my transition so late in life, but I feel that old photos are oddly kind of affirming. I was very masculine looking even with this size (small)/frame (small).
--Jay
Quote from: aleon515 on December 27, 2013, 12:17:46 PM
It's funny maybe due to the fact that I made my transition so late in life, but I feel that old photos are oddly kind of affirming. I was very masculine looking even with this size (small)/frame (small).
--Jay
I was anything BUT masculine. Very feminine, long hair, etc. So definitely doesn't even remotely look like me now.
Quote from: sneakersjay on December 28, 2013, 06:28:39 PM
I was anything BUT masculine. Very feminine, long hair, etc. So definitely doesn't even remotely look like me now.
I do have friends that always presented as male since childhood. I had that kind of frame that looks feminine even if the rest of me didn't pull it off. I had a more androgynous look right up to when I transitioned (and a little after I'd guess). I don't get misgendered much now, but I'm guessing when I do they see the androgyny there. Androgyny tends to get read as female too.
--Jay