One of the best things for me about finally accepting myself as transgender is to now have so much more of my life make sense. Looking back in the context of what i know now it seems I left myself lots of hints that escaped the muzzle of my once strict repression and denial.
Some recent threads here remind me of how often i allowed myself long feminine and polished fingernails and very long hair that I sometimes wore in pig tails.
I did limited cross dressing too but that is so overt and was too easy for me to compartmentalize.
What sort of hints or clues did you give yourself along the way to self discovery?
Fascination with women's books, movies, music. Finding female friendships more fulfilling.
And then there was that time when I was making out with my first girlfriend, and I realized I wanted to be the one with a vagina.
I always enjoyed the traditional female chores of women such as cooking and cleaning. I think I liked it to feel more connected to my female side, some transwomen cross dressed, I cooked and cleaned. I had a male roommate in college that use to joke telling me "You're going to make some guy a terrific wife one day"... :D
Quote from: Nikko on December 28, 2013, 03:54:21 PM
I had a male roommate in college that use to joke telling me "You're going to make some guy a terrific wife one day"... :D
I've had people say the exact same phrase to me, too, lol. Well that and "if you were a woman, you'd be a b*tch."
As for hints, I don't really know. I don't really think I had a female and male aspect to my life, as such. I was always just myself. If pushed, I would say perhaps my dreams.
Or maybe an urge to have long hair. While I'm not sure that's a hint, the reactions it got from people I know ("get your hair cut, you look like a girl", "excuse me,
ma'am *sneer*", "...Because she's worth it! *chuckle*", etc), made me feel actually good about myself rather than having the effect which was probably intended.
Some of my female university friends clearly saw it well before I did. Years ago, out of the blue, I was told I wasn't like other guys and declared to be an honorary woman. Made me feel great. :D
Quote from: suzifrommd on December 28, 2013, 03:53:34 PM
And then there was that time when I was making out with my first girlfriend, and I realized I wanted to be the one with a vagina.
Some hints are subtle and cryptic. Suzi that one's like a 2x4 ;D
Quote from: Nikko on December 28, 2013, 03:54:21 PMYou're going to make some guy a terrific wife one day"... :D
Is that "one day" feeling any closer?
I now find the term bitch to be a badge of honor and like Grace had more than enough hints from friends who "clearly saw it before I did." Yes, I did remain clueless too long. "Getting it" now. ;)
Looking back, i don't know if I had hints? I've fought low self-esteem issues which may have masked my transgender feelings? I'm a child of an alcoholic so while I'm contending with gender dysphoria, I'm also dealing with codependency. The combination of the two 'flaws' has contributed to my downfall as a good son, husband, and father. When I thought I found some happiness with the love of my life; a male to female tg, she broke-up with me telling me it wasn't my fault. She fell for another male-to-female tg.
I've crossdressed with no regularity over the years. There were times when I felt more aligned with female counterparts especially during my adolescent years. Currently, I'm on low-dose HRT which has brought me some calmness and has rid me of any urges of any kind.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I guess trying to understand where I'm at in my life. I did well at sports and other masculine things. Looking back I think it was more about acceptance than joy. I enjoyed things that were more feminine (helping my mom shop for clothing,interior design, ect). I got comments like "you will make someone a great wife someday". I feel dense for not picking up on these clues earlier.
Quote from: Nikko on December 28, 2013, 03:54:21 PM
"You're going to make some guy a terrific wife one day"... :D
OMG! Thinking back, the guys at the firehouse used to say it because I was the shift cook and did most of the cleaning. Now I know why I did not argue the point! Amazing what you do not pick up on until later. I feel like totally clueless as well! Still, I hate to think what would have happened if they ever found out for real back then. Not so tolerant in that generation.
Nothing so covert, for me!
I had major transformation fetishes :D LOL
I don't really see cooking as a female activity. Suuure... traditionally. I also make beer -- traditionally that's a women's activity :P
I never liked sports (I tried, gave it my best)... again - I have male friends who hate sports.
I preferred solitary activities. (Yet again - plenty of friends like that).
I pretended I was the woman during sex. (Again ~ who doesn't?)
most of my interests and activities could either be considered girly or bookish.
Wanting a penis was a very big clue. I honestly don't know how it took me so long to figure out I'm trans.
Other than that, I relate to/like male fictional characters almost exclusively. Not because I feel attracted to them, but because I see myself and/or who I want to be in them.
I reacted to life events in a way that is way more common in males than in females. (I'm not one for gender roles, but this is something that is significantly more common in men.)
Quote from: KabitTarah on December 28, 2013, 08:14:10 PM
I had major transformation fetishes :D LOL
We should compare notes. >:-)
Some of the hints I had were subtle others not so, but I'm still dense and stupid enough to not realise even those till now.
1. Ive always had a pretty severe depression as a kid ( while I know this is not always a sign, I was just never truly happy with anything really) I cried for like 20min in middle school cuz I broke an egg for an experiment.
2. I would always play as girl characters in video games or board games. ( even a year ago friends and I played DND and I was a female character with some uh exaggerated traits )
3. I always loved painting my nails and stuff like that. Dad made me stop when I was 12.
3 and the sign one would think would be pretty obvious is every time I would get a hair cut I would always think They made me look like a girl even when it was a short cut I never really realised why.
Hated getting hair cuts to the point of throwing absolute tantrums over them.
painted my finger nails at a boy scout summer camp, (let a girl staff member do it for fun and just left them pink for a week)
Apparently I kiss like a girl, or so I'm told, not that I do that on purpose
I have as many, if not more, girlfriends as I do guy friends. They would always say things like"You're not like a guy, you listen and are sensitive." I think my ex naturally got jealous of some of the women, but really it was always just me connecting on a human level that I need for personal expression and understanding, and never anything more than platonic.
@kaori
#2. Animal crossing, my sims, soul calibur, tried dragon age but my friend wanted to stare at a guys ass all day. Lol
Littlebigplanet tho. I dont crossdress irl but that game i ALWAYS chose girl stuff.
OT
I aww at cute things when i forget to hold it in.
I have a "nice" voice like my mom that is higher than usual.
I like the girl rocker look better than boy rocker and wish to pull it off.
I want girl hair and to be able to style it.
Bonus: i went through a phase when i peed sitting down.
And proud of it! >__<
Using Tessa's expression, I think that more than subtle hints, they were 2x4's:
- always far more comfortable in female company than in the company of guys
- noticeably more sensitive than my brothers and other male peers
- from a very early age, an attraction for "typical" female activities such as cooking and housekeeping earning me a reputation for being excellent potential "wife" material (if certain details were overlooked.. ;))
- regular crossdressing from adolescence onwards
- quite severe anorexia as an adolescent
- a very late puberty which may have been a result of the anorexia but, with hindsight, clearly some hormonal issues
- fantasizing about being the woman in sexual situations
- in spite of being very athletic, never wanting to put on muscle
- using skin care products at a time when it was a very, very unmanly thing to do (my ex-wife used to tease me a lot about that..)
- being told by everyone that "I throw like a girl". Still true to this day...
However, when I was young, the very notion of being TG was just not on the radar so even if I was asking myself some serious questions by the time I hit my early twenties, for a long time I found no answers. The fact that I was and still am mostly attracted to women no doubt created some confusion too.
- Sometimes people tell me I am too sensible, emotional and too weak for a boy;
- My mother told me I need to train my upper muscles because I am getting too thin and that it is not a good thing for a boy. I told her I want to look thin!
- Sometimes my mother tells me I am overly concerned about my appearance;
- A few times my mother plays with me with things like "you should do your eyebrows" or "do you want to pass a lipstick?" and I am still on the closet!
- Until this day I have lots of stuffed animals on my room and on my bed;
- Sometimes I cuddle with my stuffed animals when I sleep;
- I don't cut my hair since January 2013, so it is getting too long for a boy...my grandfather said to me: "you should cut your hair or you'll start to look like a girl". I got very happy to hear that lol
- I am trying to give my voice a higher pitch, but in a way it keeps my voice almost the same. I don't know if this was noticed.
These are the most recents hints I am giving...perhaps thay can make things easier when I am feeling ready to come out to my family.
I hated boy hair cuts,since I was 13 it's never been shorter than a grown out DA
My sister swapped comics with me as a kid and gave me a toy mermaid
I threw balls like a girl and was allowed to bowl underarm at cricket in school
There's probably lot's more but that's all I can remember for now
Looking back many years, a couple of hints come to mind:
- Loving to accompany female friends clothes shopping
- having many more female friends than male
- always enjoying "chick flicks"
Melissa
-Rejecting female clothing and wearing guy's clothes. Same for hair.
-An overall sense of 'wrongness' about my body since puberty.
-Hating chick flicks/chick lit. Making me sit through a romantic comedy would be a great way to pry information from me, I swear.
-Very linear 'male' way of thinking. So I've been told.
-Can't really relate to girls at all. Fit in and relate to guys easily though.
-Looking at guys and having 'I want him' shift over time into 'I want to BE him'.
-Love of technology/mechanical stuff.
-Wanting to be the guy in the relationship.
Quote from: Ms Grace on December 28, 2013, 04:15:45 PM
Some of my female university friends clearly saw it well before I did. Years ago, out of the blue, I was told I wasn't like other guys and declared to be an honorary woman. Made me feel great. :D
Oh Grace, you just trigger a memory... several decades ago, when I was in college, I was with a group of my females college classmates in a very female-oriented conversation on the beach, talking about boys, sex, clothing, and other bitches-affairs, when a less familiar female joined the group, she paused, looked at me, and made an inquiring face. Well, the "queen bee" of the group shrugged and said: "do not worry she is one of us," and with out missing a bit the conversation went on until the wee hours of the night. I slept in the girls tent that night...and I thought I had die and went to heaven...so happy
as afar as hints I would think there were two kind of hints: the ones left unconsciously, and the conscious ones
unconsciously: I walked, sit, talked (mannerism and topics), and behaved like a female (innately draw to the other women and women activities)
consciously: perfume, make up, wearing female clothing (jeans, slacks, blouses, shoes), earrings, nail polish, and more importantly I will often said: "Oh, well you know truly I am a girl at heart," or "I am not really a boy," etc.
I liked wearing silk stockings or tights since my age 3 or 4. Still I enjoy it.
Also, physically, people commented I look like a woman, and even some little kids did.
Some adults and class mates used to praise my feminine beauty.
I was very emotional, and liked to cry at least once everyday at my teens.
Not good at running or throwing, but excellent at any activity involving my waist.
I first wore skirt at my age of 40. When I wore it at my work place, everybody clearly recognized who I am.
barbie~~
Quote from: peky on December 29, 2013, 10:28:50 AM
Oh Grace, you just trigger a memory... several decades ago, when I was in college, I was with a group of my females college classmates in a very female-oriented conversation on the beach, talking about boys, sex, clothing, and other bitches-affairs, when a less familiar female joined the group, she paused, looked at me, and made an inquiring face. Well, the "queen bee" of the group shrugged and said: "do not worry she is one of us," and with out missing a bit the conversation went on until the wee hours of the night. I slept in the girls tent that night...and I thought I had die and went to heaven...so happy
Me too! I had a college "harem" the other guys said. No... I just hung out with the girls and talked to them. I'd spend an hour and a half in the dining hall going from table to table!
How many of us, as guys, were taunted with; "You throw, act or look like a girl" and secretly liked it? I'm reminded of the drill sergeants of basic army training somehow thinking they inspire manliness by calling the assembled recruits "girls, girlymen or ladies" Sure didn't work for me ;) ;D
How many Transmen heard the terms "so butch, acts like a guy" and liked it?
I was apparently the last person in my family to realize I was transmasculine. As a child I dressed up as male characters for Halloween, starting at age 4. In second grade I tried (unsuccessfully) to get my teacher to call me by my more masculine-sounding middle name. As a teenager I wore my dad's old Army dress jacket and smoked a pipe. Even when I had long hair, women would tell me I was in the wrong bathroom. When I had a mental breakdown I thought I was a male comic book character for a few days. The really funny bit was that I'm a psychology major and I was writing papers about transgender issues.
I always *wanted* to be male, even as a child, but even though I knew transgender was a thing I never put two and two together. And then my mom and sister (my only adult blood relatives that I'm close to) weren't even slightly surprised when the lightbulb finally went off in my head and I told them!
My mother told me when I came out to her that she had no idea. She had assumed my sister - massive tomboy - might be a lesbian or transgendered. Apparently she doesn't remember that I used to play pretend games always as the girl.
During adolescence until late twenties I hid everything and it is only in the last ten years that I have slowly started to express myself in a way people might notice. And every relatively minor change had me severely panicked at the thought of outing myself. Only now is that subsiding a little.
I thought I was a boy when I was small. A few things off the top of my head:
I had my first kiss (with a girl) at 3 in preschool.
I was spanked repeatedly for being caught trying to stand to pee (when I had never seen a cis male do it).
I would cry when forced to wear a skirt to church. I would wear shorts under them.
From the time I developed breasts I would wear a jacket year around to hide them.
My parents would make me have long hair and multiple times I was spanked for attempting to cut it off and making a mess of it. I would go as far as to use my mom's razors when there were no scissors in the house. They settled on letting me have a mullet, lol.
I was shocked and saddened when I had the puberty talk when I was 9.
It was apparent and if I had grown up twenty years later than I did I think my mom would have seen it. She says she would tell herself that I was a tomboy and grow out of it. If it's there I think it's always there with people. It might not be as apparent with everyone when they're kids as it was with me, but I think if it is meant to be then it will be. You can't make yourself trans and you'll never be happy unless you face it head on.
I grew my hair out and pierced my ears as soon as I got out of my parents' house.
I got a nostril piercing in 1991 when like the only guys who did that were Lenny Kravitz and Slash.
Quote from: barbie on December 29, 2013, 11:01:13 AM
Not good at running or throwing
I thought that I would try to make my Dad proud in the ninth grade and try out for the baseball team. My Dad was all about baseball. I went out to field and tried warming up with the rest of the fella's, but I realized I couldn't throw the ball 5' in front of me. I don't know what I was thinking. No one would let that die, and I heard a lot of girl comments. I was so embarrassed about that, but it's pretty funny now I suppose.
not really hints to myself, but from people i've known over the years. First was joking with my (now) ex wife(totally completely unrelated to any gender stuff, as i didn't really allow myself to explore that part of myself until well after we split) and saying it would be fun to switch bodies for a day and she was like no way to which i asked why and she said because i wouldn't give hers back. Another maybe slight clue was a friend in an online chat room i used to frequent for several years, for the entire first year, one of the members(with whom I had spoken many many many times) thought i was a girl, and was really embarrassed that she never knew i wasn't really a girl, but when she said she thought i was a girl for that whole first year i was in chat, i was kinda happy she thought that.
I don't think I ever dropped many hints that others could pick up on. I did have one sorta "friend" in college who like to call me "dickless", but I'm certain it was intended more as an insult than something he was picking up on!
I could think of thousands of little events that went unnoticed by my conscious self. I heard a perfect phrase for what I did sooooo much of, the phrase is "under dressing", which I did almost constantly without being openly cognizant of them. I usually had some article or two of clothing that was rarely obvious but it gave me a sense of comfort. A pair of shoes with a side zipper, often manicured finger nails, sometimes longish hair. In high school I wore flashy clothes, male cut but still more than the typical amount of fashion. And so many other little things, too many to mention in a post. Of course, there was occasionally pantyhose under my pants and similar under dressing items.
I did manage to throw, run, etc, in adequate male fashion, but i was uncomfortable with it, I only did what I had to do. Didn't do much sports once I hit puberty.
One that stands out, I always liked dress making, I made my wife a skirt, and even if I say so it looked great. She wore it to work the next day and was asked where she had got it. She said my husband made it for me. Her female colleagues loved it, her male colleagues said I needed to be toughened up :laugh:
The big one apparently happened when I was 5. I somehow had gotten the idea that at some point as they grew up boys became girls and girls became boys. I asked my mom how old I would be when I got to be a girl and I was apparently really sad when I was told "never". I don't remember any of that, it was recounted to me later in life. I also apparently repeatedly asked to be a fairy princess on Halloween (never got to be one) and asked for Barbies (also never got them, tho to be fair I was never forced to play with "boys toys" either, and somehow at some point I at least got a my little pony).
After that tho I never really gave any hints to anyone else, with one exception, until a month ago (I'm 33 now). The whole time I knew it myself, but was scared ->-bleeped-<-less to tell anyone, so lived in outward denial. I started cross dressing in secret probably around age 10, tho that came in waves - I'd dress for a while, then stop and tell myself I was wrong to do it, then started again, then stop, etc. Sometimes I'd shave my legs, but I was usually afraid of getting caught, so most of the time I didn't. I did keep my hair about halfway down my back from age 13 to this past july (I cut it because I was interviewing for a job that would've tripled the pay I was making at that time and wanted to do everything possible to try and get the job. Sadly I didn't get it, so now I have to grow my hair out again.) But I never got it styled in the feminine way I wanted to.
I did flat out tell my ex at the beginning of our relationship that I wanted a vagina. She just assumed it was a sexual kink and dismissed it. Jokes on her. When she eventually dumped me and moved out she left a bunch of clothing behind. Mine now, and it looks waaay better on me that it did on her :-) Which, brings up the most recent "hint" I gave to another person. Having recently relocated to another state and having made new friends, I recently went to hang out with one of them dressed in my ex's clothes. She told me "you look very metrosexual chic today. You probably don't want to hear this, but with a little makeup and a hair styling you'd make a hot woman." I wanted to tell her "No no. Please. Continue." Didn't tho. Not yet. But, I think she's figured it out, because ever since then she's been dropping a lot of hints, to the point of asking me about it without really asking me about it. I'll be starting HRT in a week and a half, and at that point I think I'll tell her.
Haven't quite figured out how and when to come out to anyone else though. I'm the last living member of my family, so I don't need to worry about coming out to them. And pretty much everyone I knew before september is 2600 miles away, and I probably wont see them again for years if ever. So, I guess for me coming out really wont be a big deal.
Hints?
Sooooo many and all of the above. I simply had no way of connecting it all to being transgender as there was no info.
Rather than do a case history, just the little hints...
I taped 'go fish' as a little 'boy' and fell head over heels for Max. I watched every season of 'L' word in one, long sitting. I voted 'Team Alice' on twilight because clearly she is waaaaaaay better for Bella.
Became fascinated with theatre makeup and monster makeup- which was obviously the only way I could access makeup without criticism. I worked in theatre for years.
In highschool I drew a naked female faerie with butterfly wings bursting out the head of a contorted blue male face like an egg. The brief was 'good from bad'. Seriously- how did I not know.
All girl friends, no alpha males... hated sport (loved watching womens basketball and gymnastics)... all female video game avatars... read Anne Mcaffrey books but hated all without female protagonists... the works.
Oh, I also throw like a girl (my arms angle out as in the supposed transgender womens marker).
- I was physically small and short with a femme shaped face. I was very shy and I never fit in with the boys. I would have rather played with the girls and I did have girl friends until they reached the "boys are icky" age and I was cast aside.
- I played catcher in little league and I could never make the throw from home to 2nd base with any accuracy. Later I discovered that I have the female elbow.
- I got told by a couple of girls that they noticed that I was "different" than other guys. I had no way of knowing what that meant at the time.
- I never knew quite what to do with girls. My testosterone would tell me one thing and my head told me other things which left me conflicted.
- Because of the above when I would date a girl she would quickly find out that I was not like the other boys; I would either get dumped or re-slotted into the friend bucket.
- I had shoulder length hair until I was about 20 when I went to work in a professional office environment. I had to get it cut and now I wish I had it back again :-\
- Like Suzi I was confused about my role in the bedroom and looking back I acted like a girl. At the risk of TMI I could ring (and ring!) the other person's bell easily because I instinctively knew what to do and when to do it. I had to have a romantic setting to even perform, quickies rarely worked for me.
- I was never comfortable removing my shirt in public.
I think I'm kind of a late developer, though there were some subtle hints while I was growing up. When I was a teenager, I wore lots of T-shirts, baggy jeans, sneakers and chains. I also tended to keep to myself because I couldn't quite relate to my female classmates. I got along with the guys better but I didn't dare to specifically hang out with them in case people started thinking I was a flirt or anything. I also related better to male characters, coming up with stories about them in my head, and it was kind of like being male through them.
I think I was definitely the last to know about myself, but there were hints.
1. I love my long hair and have always done it in a feminine style.
2. My first real sexual partner was a boy and after a while, he wanted me to wear girl's clothes and knickers and I happily went along with it.
3. My mother and sister did my makeup as a kid and put me their smaller stuff.
4. I did quilting and cross-stitching since i can remember.
5. My therapist said I probably won't need voice training as I seem to have already trained myself to speak in the female tones with female phrasing and such.
6. I basically already walk and act female, just need the right physiology to go along with it.
-when I was a child, my mom would have to have my two brothers restrain me to cut my fingernails. When I got big enough to do real damage, they stopped trying, and I never used nail clippers again, only a file.....clippers still make me shudder to this day
-I used to ask my mom to paint my nails when she was doing hers.....she only painted my toesf and only once, and thought it was strange
-I used to beg my sister to let me play barbies with her
-when I was 18 I started painting my nails and wearing eyeliner and lip gloss constantly
-I always insisted that I was pretty not handsome
-I wore tons of jewelry
-I did everything in a feminine manor, from walking to body language to smoking
and even with all those hints, it even took ME years to come to terms with being trans
1 - I have a strong memory of playing with a baby doll and a toy pram. That's what I remember playing with most. I did have action men and little toy soldiers that I did play with but not as much. Nor did I enjoy them them as much.
2 - I asked my mum to paint my nails which, on occasions, she actually did when I was younger.
3 - Right from First school (Primary school/Kindergarden) my closest friends have been girls. Less so when i got to High School when it became a mix of boys and girls.
4 - I have always been very emotionally sensitive.
5 - My friends have (not in a horrible way) have always taken the mick out of me for being 'girly'/'gay'. As have peers at school but them more in a mean way.
6 - Puberty really hit me hard. Fortunately I haven't masculinised that much. I can grow a beard but it's crap and I am really skinny with little muscle definition. The only issues are height - which isn't really an issue because there are plenty of women who are 5 ft 11 or taller, and I have broad shoulders. Though to make up for it as I was told a couple of weeks ago is that I don't have a very masculine jaw and my nails are very feminine.
With all these hints (probably not 6) I'm surprised the people around me didn't 'notice' anything. My mum was surprised when I came out to her as well!
The more that I think about it, the more "hints" I come up with. I've always been emotionally sensitive, to the point that friends have pointed it out more than once, and I had two girlfriends leave me saying they didn't want to be the man of the relationship emotionally speaking.
I love to cook for others... I've known how to knit. I have an antique treadle operated sewing machine sitting next to my bed, which I have used to make clothes. But, I dunno. I have a lot of stereotypical "boy" hobbies too. Probably more, in fact.
In highschool I frequently had girls paint my nails. I actually forgot about that until I was sitting here just now painting my nails. My mom was confused by it, but I guess she figured "well, at least he's hanging out with girls". At that age I didn't realize sexual orientation was different from gender ID. So the fact that I both IDed with and was attracted to women confused me greatly.
In my mid 20s I let a female roommate "talk me into" getting my nails professionally done with her. The nice girl working there didn't bat an eye until I told her I wanted colored nail polish, but she shrugged the look off and did an awesome job.
My career that I've worked for a decade now is largely dominated by women. In fact, between 2003 and this September I've always been the only guy at every employer I've worked for.
I'm sure I'll come up with even more as time goes on. Makes me wonder why no one else connected the dots long ago.
The only outward sign I gave around family was leaving painted toe nails visible in sandals and a double ear piercing.
Quote from: Eva Marie on December 30, 2013, 06:57:10 AM
- I never knew quite what to do with girls. My testosterone would tell me one thing and my head told me other things which left me conflicted.
- Like Suzi I was confused about my role in the bedroom and looking back I acted like a girl. At the risk of TMI I could ring (and ring!) the other person's bell easily because I instinctively knew what to do and when to do it. I had to have a romantic setting to even perform, quickies rarely worked for me.
OMG how many of us found the bedroom an anxiety minefield of clues about our identity?
Quote from: Oriah on December 30, 2013, 07:36:54 AM
and even with all those hints, it even took ME years to come to terms with being trans
I guess that is my bottom line too. I was "clueless" too long :)
Ever since I graduated high school I've always worn women's skinny jeans. They made me feel better about myself, more at ease. My friends would tease sometimes at first, but then it became the "it" thing to do. I even got some of them doing it too >:-)
Quote from: Kaitlin4475 on December 30, 2013, 12:11:32 PM
Ever since I graduated high school I've always worn women's skinny jeans. They made me feel better about myself, more at ease. My friends would tease sometimes at first, but then it became the "it" thing to do. I even got some of them doing it too >:-)
Oh I can't wait until Transfashion is the new hot look. Maybe it already is? Keep it up you trend setter ;D
I think the most obvious hint to myself that I hadn't "gotten over" my gender issues (as I seemed to believe I had) was that I would frequently sign up to forums as a woman. I felt guilty and deceptive for doing so and kept trying to tell myself I wasn't being creepy! I also found it was a fast track to picking up unwanted male attention...sigh. :(
Nail polish seems to be a very common theme in this thread. I guess I'm in good company! :D
When I was 14 one of the older boys at school rode past me and one of my few friends on a BSA motorbike with his girlfriend on the back.My friend wished he was the boy on the BSA,I wished I was the girl with her arms wrapped round his waist.I never said anything but then I realised wanting to be a girl wasn't just going to go away.
Quote from: Gwynne on December 30, 2013, 04:56:33 PM
Nail polish seems to be a very common theme in this thread. I guess I'm in good company! :D
Hahahahaha, I just remembered something. Many years ago, my wife gave me this really toxic discontinued nitrocellulose lacquer clear nail polish that dried very quickly and hard so I could patch up certain guitar finishes. I so totally put it on my fingers.
I never dressed in women's clothing until last November, but I always wanted to since as long as I can remember. I never could get myself to actually cross that line and finally admit to myself that I was gender variant at very least. I heard about people who "got off" on crossdressing and I always knew that wasn't it. I had the means for that laying around the house for 20 years. I knew I wasn't a drag performer type either. Well, why else would you want present yourself as female? *oh crap* I really, really didn't want to face this reality, and I tried SO hard to bury it to the point where I thought I could die with nobody ever knowing about what caused me so much grief and shame.
Moar!
Recently ive been putting my hands on my hips more.... Not even intentional.
Mom caught me with mascara on when i was 12.
Wore high heals at the same age.
Quote from: Jill F on December 30, 2013, 05:15:36 PM
.... I really, really didn't want to face this reality, and I tried SO hard to bury it to the point where I thought I could die with nobody ever knowing about what caused me so much grief and shame.
Yeah, been there, too. It's pretty spectacular when the coping mechanisms explode and all you are left with are the thoughts in your mind and the future. A rainbow explosion, followed by a beautiful dawn.
Quote from: Gwynne on December 30, 2013, 04:56:33 PM
Nail polish seems to be a very common theme in this thread. I guess I'm in good company! :D
Yes definitely! I have short nails otherwise I can't manage them but I'm told that I have very feminine hands (despite being slightly large) and very feminine nails. If that's so, they NEED to be painted! ;D
Quote from: Antonia J on December 30, 2013, 09:43:00 PM
Yeah, been there, too. It's pretty spectacular when the coping mechanisms explode and all you are left with are the thoughts in your mind and the future. A rainbow explosion, followed by a beautiful dawn.
I like that imagery Toni, and here's to the dawn of a bright new year.
Tessa, I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Admitting to myself (finally) I was trans came after a *lot* of clues that I buried deep and safe where I couldn't see them... and along with them, in the mix, was *me*.
When I was four, my dad took me shopping for my birthday. The only thing I really wanted was a baby doll up on the top shelf. It had a number of accessories and it fascinated me. I needed my dad to get it down for me so I could look at it... he told me it wasn't a boy toy and that I should get something else. (This memory is not all that traumatic, but it stuck with me... it's the first memory I have where gender became a big issue in my life, I guess)
Later, when I was 6, my parents built a room for me in the attic of our tiny house. One day I explored the other wing of the attic and found a pretty white box... it contained a white veil and a wreath of flowers. I just looked at it, imagining what it would look like on me, how it would feel. My mom caught me and yelled at me, she was in the midst of a terrible depression (I learned many years later) for what seemed like the first time. She asked me what I was doing with it and I lied... the first time I denied my preference for feminine things.
In elementary school I loved to hang out with the girls until I learned that was socially taboo. I was always an outcast and didn't want to be more of an outcast, so I learned to "hate girls" like the other boys. Trouble was I didn't fit in with them, so I just gave up and spent my time alone. I raised myself on books.
In my playtime, I never wanted to be the hero in my imagination... I always wanted to be the captive princess...
During puberty I tried very hard to be excited about pubes and the changes my body was going through. I figured if being a man was as exciting as all the boys seemed to think it was, maybe something inside me would change. I still spent many nights crying myself to sleep because I would never have the curves and breasts I thought I should have.
In college I came out as bisexual... but I was unhappy with all my encounters with men, because they all wanted to play with "it" or admire "it" or tell me how amazing "it" was, despite my telling them that I wanted them to pretend "it" wasn't there... In retrospect, expecting gay men to treat me like a woman in bed was a bit of a stretch, but there you go...
Also in college I had a bunch of lesbian friends, some of whom helped teach me to please a woman. It just felt natural. When a number of them went on a women's only retreat and I couldn't go, I really really hated my bio gender and was outraged that it was a reason to exclude me. (Big sign, no?)
As it became more acceptable in the media to be seen as a lesbian, I began to discover that nearly every female Hollywood star I was attracted to was a lesbian.
When I met my wife (to be, now ex) I told her that it was probably best to think of me as a mostly lesbian in a male body. I told her that I didn't need or necessarily want to use "it" to penetrate her. (Hrm... one would think *THAT* would be a sign) In fact, since the divorce I told the same thing to a number of people, potential partners or not, if the subject of sexuality and gender came up).
There were any number of others... the number of tears I shed that I could never be with a woman as a woman, with a man as a woman, my constant struggle to control my emotions, my absolute hatred of having body hair, my fascination with (and endless questions for) the trans* friends in my life... my belief that if I had a magic switch that changed my body's gender I'd flip it to F and break it off...
Yeah. I had to be in deep denial to miss all these. :P
Great topic. ;)
*hug*
Well said and a nice chronicle of clues Robin!
Yes, it was only too easy to learn the social taboos (nothing works like beatings and ridicule) and I too expected I should somehow feel that the girls and girly clothes were loathsome rather than the desire and envy I really did feel. I used to secretly page thru the catalogs of lingerie imagining away but actually putting some on felt like i was touching something sweet and radioactive at the same time. So much better now and without the tears eh?
I often said out loud that i wanted a switch to turn off the testosterone. Another easy clue I missed but now we happily have HRT that does the switch very nicely and permanently in my case.
I also came out as Bi/queer and found I wasn't man enough for some of the guys either, sigh. My orientation has not changed significantly but the potential dating pool sure has!
You are so right, deep denial is nearly unfathomable ??? ??? ;D
Happy New Year!
As a person with incredibly accepting friends, it probably took me a little longer to notice myself than it should have. From a young age, I obsessively liked model trains over other (more girly) toys, and I was also decidedly more nerdy than a large majority of the girls I knew, particularly in primary school and early secondary. Most of my young friends were boys, and I was a rather big fan of Pokemon cards and Harry Potter. Once I realised I didn't have to wear princess dresses to every fancy dress day, I would dress up as Harry Potter every time.
I had tomboyish days, though they were very much dappled with dresses and a ton of pink that I quickly grew an aversion to (and let my parents know it). The rest happened slowly; a dislike for the way my body changed after puberty and not being able to accept any compliments about it because it didn't feel or look right to me. Boobs were initially interesting, I'll admit, and I remember standing in front of the mirror and comparing them to those of other girls'. I don't remember ever feeling proud of them though, and that feeling developed to a rather damaging dislike. I never wore lacy underwear, even when my mother would offer to buy it for me, and I pretty much exclusively wore sports bras through school, and still do now, until I discovered binders. There was also a rather scary experience regarding a boy who asked me what my cup size was and prompted me to run from a room upset.
I always felt awkward when any of my girl friends would bring up periods. I was shy, and I realised late in a relationship with a boy that I didn't want to be the girl; I didn't want any attention drawn to my gender at all. Before even learning that gender dysphoria was a thing, I started asking friends to call me by a unisex name and jokingly telling them 'I wanted to be boy' and that 'I'd get a sex change'. I never really wore makeup or jewellery, and stopped wearing skirts and dresses completely at 12/13 years old.
I didn't consider everything until about 16, where I realised I liked people complimenting me on my boyish fashion, since I was well into crossdressing then, and on my recently shortened hair. Not shaving (arms and legs) was never a conscious choice, and I bite my nails like a trooper so they have certainly never been feminine. I became quite obsessed with the male form - and expressed it in my art - though friends just thought of it as me appreciating dudes in general. I was incredibly jealous of the male shape, and though I was attracted to both, I couldn't stand the female one when it was on me. Not to mention the great wealth of brilliant male clothing that just wouldn't fit me right.
I loved comics, and xbox, and moustaches - I often complained about having no facial hair, though it seemed like more of a quirk of my personality than a real issue. Many of the things I see as large hints now, were acknowledged by way of denial in my mind. I was distantly aware that to honestly believe what I was saying would be a real thing to be afraid of, due to the social taboos.
With the friends I have now though, I am able to openly be more and more of myself, and soon I think I will be able to come out to my best friend. A monumental moment if ever there were one!
Welcome to Susan's Place Lorifish and thank you for sharing some of your personal awareness and journey. Sounds like you will fit in here just fine. I am grateful for having guys here that remind us of our commonalities and contrasts. Friends really are an important, if not essential for me, part of working thru being "more" of ourselves.
Please let us know how your monumental moment with your best friend goes.
Thank you, Tessa! I do quite love this place already, and yes, I certainly will be sharing!
@lorifish
Welcome :)
you sound like a normal boy to me , good luck with your transition :)
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So I was actually looking at an old photo album,,,hhhm there was this picture of me , I think I was 5 years old propably , it was halloween and my mom for some reason gave me my cousins can costume to wear... now , its wasnt a sexy cat costume , but it was a normal girl cat costume...
seeing this I wonder
why the hell would my mom give this to me and also why did I had that happy look on my face while I was looking on the mirror...maybe a little too happy...
hhhm and as I recall another year I had also taken my cousins clown costume... after those two years though I started wearing normal boy costumes...
too many questions and such a bad memory... :-\
No hints really. But one strange recurring fantasy that I finally buried so deeply I forgot all about it. From my late teens until around 30 I would out of the blue suddenly imagine myself sitting in a mans lap and kissing him. I thought it was disgusting and I was some kind of freak. Not gay men, but very straight looking and acting men. Finally it went away and I never though about it for several decades. I even had the chance to sleep with a gay man but couldnt, I felt no attraction at all.
Now I realise that I just had the normal thoughts that a woman has but that never occoured to me at the time. In fact I hated it. Now that I have had the chance to do it, well its really pretty nice, even the stubble is kind of sexy.
Ooooh well. Often I think to myself with confidence that I'm in complete control of this feminine aspect of mine, and that if needs be, I can just shut if off, and wait for it all to blow over. However, then I read threads like these and it highlights to me that this femininity of mine has been present and slowly eating away at me since I was about 10. And then I suddenly feel a rush of anger and fear that perhaps this femininity isn't a gift from the heavens, facet to me to be treasured, its more a toxic bomb that they've thrown in my face. And then I get very angry and break stuff. Then I calm down and solder things or sew.
QuoteI never knew quite what to do with girls. My testosterone would tell me one thing and my head told me other things which left me conflicted.
QuoteBut one strange recurring fantasy that I finally buried so deeply I forgot all about it. From my late teens until around 30 I would out of the blue suddenly imagine myself sitting in a mans lap and kissing him. I thought it was disgusting and I was some kind of freak.
Yep, these ring true with me, and still very much do. I have yearnings to sleep with women, but conflicting feelings that I simultaneously need the same things that my body wants to give them. Proper head scratching stuff, this. Very much like having two distinct sexualities operating at the same time, and both craving their own needs.
I feel frustrated usually as I can't please both sexualities at the same time, because they have different arousal triggers and needs. My testosterone wants the visual stimulation and curves of another woman to enjoy, but my head seems to also want to be the one who is caressed & desired but with myself as a female.
But anywho... onto the list :) I still don't think this is conclusive, but its getting very hard not to see the gravity of this now.
~ Age 10: Had a niggling feeling I'd been female in a pastlife, couldn't explain why but I felt I knew what it was like.
~ Age 11: A school friend of mine began touching me whilst I was asleep. I wasn't sexually active, but something felt quite nice, albeit very surreal, about his advances. He was taller than me & I felt quite comforted by his presence, it all felt very natural (though VERY random!)
~ Age 14: Felt the urge to buy bras as the feeling across my chest felt comforting and exciting, and something just felt weirdly natural about it.
~ Age 14: Got to play a girl in a school play and I really felt a warmth inside to be playing a female character, I wanted to really put alot of effort into it as I enjoyed it.
~ Age 13: I dreamt that I woke up and had the face of a girl, was still my face, but feminised. I felt a deep & unexplainable (then) wistfulness and agitated energy for days afterwards.
~ Age 13 and onwards: Often I'd see actresses or singers on the TV who were female, and I'd imagine I was their character in the film or music video. I never did this with males. I liked to imagine, and I felt a need to imagine I was Kate Winslet in Titanic being spun around on that 3rd Class dancefloor, sometimes Agnetha Fältskog from Abba or the singer Sophie Ellis Bextor, or a certain kooky actress from a steampunk film. I loved her style and wanted to be her.
Years later, I began creating my own female characters for stories, and these were always quirky, eccentric and geeky woman, who were very much like me. I didn't feel much desire to create male characters, just the female ones. I didn't see the connection to how I fee until very recently.
~ Age 18: I fancied a girl called Alice, however as well as being attracted to her, I also really loved her name and felt a compulsion to create my new email address with her name as part of the addy, a play on words. My attraction for her was very fleeting, but I still felt the need for this feminine email addy, so I kept it - to this day. :)
~ Age 19: A college friend and one of my dad's friends (both didn't know each other) made comments about how I could had made a very fine woman, somehow. These comments were not negatively fired at me either. They looked at me for quite some time before making these statements, and their delivery sounded sincere and warm, despite the fact they appeared a little unsure as to why they'd made the comment in the first place. Deep down I felt the same odd, confusing sense of hope and pride.
~ Age 20: Felt increasing need to dress in clothes that had nipped-in-waists as I felt a natural feeling of wanting to project a feminine figure although I didn't realise what this need meant at the time. I assumed I was metrosexual.
~ Age 20: Began feeling very committed and focused on writing drama stories (for shot films) whereby male characters had discovered they were female in their pastlives,
and what this meant for them in their current life. I also imagined scenariois of females discovering their former male lives, but this didn't seem to fire my imagination.And since then its snowballed, into further discoveries. I don't know 100% if this points to the fact that I'm actually female inside, but what I do definitely know is that apart from wanting to have sex with girls, there's seriously very little I have in common with boys and men, despite the fact I'm quite good at being male, despite my petite figure.
What has been massively confusing (and potentially a crucial mental block) is that I never identified with femininity. Even when I crossdressed, or imagine myself as a girl, or felt the urge to be swept off my feet by a guy romantically, I never once thought to myself "Hang on mate! Are you sure we are male? This sounds pretty girly to me!"
I just never questioned the gender of it all, as I've never felt like I belong to any gender, but I've never even been conscious enough to realise even that. I never questioned ANYTHING! ???
I was 25 when I went on a ride with some other bikers and we met up with some Harley Davidson riders who were around 20 years older. We stopped in a bar to play some pool and listen to a band and I caught myself looking at one of them, a tall lean guy with grey hair and moustache who looked like Sam Elliott,imagining being his girlfriend.A friend saw me and later told me he thought I was looking at him the way a woman who found a man attractive would look.
Wow, so much familiar ground here.
I was seized by a compulsion to write a novel, and spent months on it, day and night. The hero was a depressed and shipwrecked girl who seems to be slowly transforming physically and mentally into Emmaline- the ghost of the sea. I tried to write it from her male lovers perspective but ultimately rewrote the whole book back to hers as I simply could not write the male parts. Suddenly I stopped writing and could not face writing it anymore. I think that was the start of realising I was a woman and it was my story, masked. A few months later I put two and two together and got trans.
Must finish it someday.
I always wear a large, poofy jacket to hide my chest (or lack of), try to grow my nails as long as I can, and don't speak off ten, hating my male voice, I started all of this long before I knew who I was. I'm also semi-happy to say I've only had one girlfriend (never really wanted one in this gender), though I wish it was 0.
Last week I was going bowling with a group of friends. We had two lanes and the first game I was in a lane (in boymode) with two girls and the other lane was two guys and a girl. For game two we switched to boys vs girls. They changed my name into the boys lane first before converting the lane I was originally on and someone made a comment of, "hey, look - you're playing for the boys and girls teams" and I responded with, "well that is certainly appropriate for me." The one person I was out to out of the five got shocked I said that and asked, "I thought you haven't told them yet?" I told her that I haven't told them yet and walked past the confused stares to take my turn. I'm pretty sure at least one of them knew what we were talking about but no one had the courage to ask. And the one person who already knew apologized constantly for accidentally outing me, even though I was the one who started it. All in all, I found it fun, I think I'm going to start dropping obvious hints more often.
I gave plenty of hints, in retrospect, even without meaning to, since I was in complete denial.
- Admitted to liking TV shows like Grey's, even though i usually pretended I hated them for being "stupid".
- Bought "too" feminine items of clothing without realizing, then panicked to get rid of them when I realized or someone told me..
- Sometimes didn't bother, and wore them anyways.
- Chose girls' nights with my female friends over guy's nights. I never managed to even pretend to like the latter.
- Told people having a penis really sucks, then tried to make it seem like I joked.
- I spent (and still do) more time in the bathroom than any of my female friends. I use more skin products than they do. Etc.
- Told people straight out that I'm transsexual, and again, tried to recover by telling them it was a joke.
Oh yeah, that reminds me- before I came out to myself there where some funny hints I never picked up on.
During college, I used to go lingerie shopping with a female friend of mine. She said it was nice to have a guy brave enough to go into a lingerie store, let alone have opinions on things such as cut, quality and so forth. We where just friends too.
I was drawn to goth- though I never went out in public. It was the nailpolish and lipstick I loved trying on and I had my stash. I hated male goth clothes, so ultimately just crushed on goth chicks. Lol. Again, how did I not work it out?
I was a bigger twihard than my wife. But I was team alice.
For me it was always my connection to my dad and guy friends. I could hardly relate to my mom and sister.
Me and my dad were the men of the house, we'd go fishing, fix up the house, etc.
My guy friends always said i was so easy to talk to while girls, welli lime em but i cant relate to them, even they saw that.
My friends would always call me manly, lime i put the man in woman sort of things. I would never really protest that and be like hey no im a girl, i was always the husband or king roles in silly situations.
One friend would actually always be like, so how long you been taking T? And id be like. ?
At the time i had no idea what that even was.
But yeah alot of friends werent suprised about my coming out. Guy friends were just like, totally called it, xD
People kept saying or hinting that they thought I was gay even though I dated mostly guys and was presenting as female.
Lol. Yeah, when I came out to some friends yesterday, they thought back over the last fifteen years and said "that makes total sense"- then proceeded to both come up with memories of things I said and it was on the money. Geesh they could have given me a hint. :) totally accepted me and gonna catch up in several months so they can meet real me.
Scweet!
For my entire life I had always had significantly more male friends than female friends. I also hated anything remotely feminine. Whenever I went through a drive-thru with my family, I would ask for a "boy toy." My brother treated me like I was a brother instead of a sister too.
Ever since I was about 5, everyone started calling me a tomboy. I think the time I really figured out I was trans was when this one girl said to me in seventh grade, "you're the most tomboyish person I've ever met!"
There was also the fact that I would always fantasize about being a boy. I wondered what it would be like to have male genitals and all that.
Looking back on it, I think the reason I despised all things seen as feminine was because I was trying to put as much distance between me and the female gender as I possibly could.
I was always and still am super emotional.
Had long hair and long nails for the majority of my life.
Being attracted to female clothes. When going school shopping I was always super uninterested in male clothes, and when I would go with my sister I would see stuff and think "I would totally wear that"
Always played as female characters in video games.
Being uncomfortable with male roles in relationships. I didn't want to be the one who had to sweep the other off their feet, I want to be the one to be swept off my feet. I want to be the one to lean my head on their shoulder, not have my shoulder be leaned on.
Wanting to try on nail polish, only recently started doing it in secret. It's hard to do alone but I'll get better and I love doing it :)
Trying on panties.. Haha there's that. I like being able to admit this stuff.
I'm not sure if my mom ever suspected I was trans but I've always been a tomboy and would fuss over wearing girls clothes.
As for hints for myself, same thing. I also was obsessed with wanting a penis from a very young age.
Growing my hair very very long. No one seemed to catch on.
Quote from: suzifrommd on December 28, 2013, 03:53:34 PM
Fascination with women's books, movies, music. Finding female friendships more fulfilling.
And then there was that time when I was making out with my first girlfriend, and I realized I wanted to be the one with a vagina.
Yeah...I think when you get closer to the girlfriend emotionally, a lot more of suppressed stuff starts to rear its ugly head.
Really reasonating stuff.
I just remembered my fave drinking game. Before I came out to myself I used to ask people what they would have been called if born the opposite sex- then describe what sort of person you would have been. .. then try and spot someone in the crowd passing by who fits that bill. It wad actually really funny to do.
Last time we played it, my friends pointed out I would sooo be a slutty art school goth girl.... my wife would have been a jock... it would have been like Breakfast Club. Bwa ha ha.