So...
I've been learning a lot, lately, and spending more time as the woman inside and out. This has caused some confusion when I have to work in "male mode".
I present male at my current workplace, due to their extremely conservative nature. I don't like working in an environment that is so incredibly conservative that women aren't allowed to wear slacks and people are afraid to talk to each other except during meetings, so I'm not even going to attempt to transition here. My one year anniversary as a contractor for this company is about to come up and my need to transition full time is getting stronger. It's gotten bad enough that I keep almost walking into the women's room here despite being (supposedly) in "guy mode".
I'm out to my immediate boss and to a couple of coworkers. I decided to give them a chance. My boss still isn't sure how to feel about it, but says no matter what I'm a hell of a programmer and he wants to maintain a professional relationship with me and have me do other contract work for him in the future. A win.
I'm out, too, to a coworker, another contractor, who astonished me by giving me a hug and telling me he has had a number of friends in his life transition, and that he supports me.
I came out to these people to test the water, because I *know* I will need to go full time soon and I'm a software developer in a very small market. The fact that I am 6'4" tall makes me the tallest professional developer in the area already... it wouldn't take much to put two and two together. Stealth is not an option. When I transition in the workplace, I know the news will spread quickly. Fortunately, at least on an individual basis, my incredibly unscientific poll has shown good results.
So I was both hoping for and dreading talking to job recruiters in the area. My hand was somewhat forced when a recruiter emailed to tell me he had a great job opportunity, and asked what I was looking for. I replied with salary requirements and told him that any company I considered would have to have a liberal work environment with a strong LGBT policy, without explaining further. He replied that it would not be a problem and we set up a call.
During the call I asked him point-blank if it was company policy and his personal policy that confidential information would be kept between us. He replied, "Of course", so I took a deep breath. I was fearing that his reaction would be strongly negative, and I'd get a "don't call us, we'll call you" response. I was afraid that this would mean I needed to find work-from home opportunities during transition (not impossible, but not easy to do, at least at my salary requirement).
I was shocked, then, when he replied, "Awesome!" in a bright, cheery voice. I further told him that it would be an awkward year or two as I took hormone therapy and became more and more feminine, but that I already much prefer presenting as a woman. This was to make sure he really understood me. To my surprise, he replied, "That's fine, I understand. My best friend started transitioning last year." My eyes misted over. He continued, "I don't see a problem with that. Our client needs your skill set, and I don't think they care much how you look as long as you can deliver."
So, here I am... a few days ago I was despairing over whether I would ever find work that would accept *me*. And now I am seriously contemplating interviewing with a new company as the woman I am.
I guess the lesson of all of this, for me, is that I really need to stop second guessing people and stop limiting myself by anticipating negative reactions. Instead of keeping people at a distance, fearing being hurt by their rejection, I am now working on giving them a chance... a chance to surprise me. More often than not, it seems, they do.
*hug*
That is great. I have been extremely suprised with the people I have told so far but haven't to people at my current job.
Your experience echoes mine Robin, as does the approach you've taken of giving people a chance. :)
Good for you Robin, very courageous and thanks for sharing another lesson. My second guessing from a shame based closet was 180 degrees off the mark and allowed me to hide too long. Most people really have treated me very well and I have been out 24/7 for over a year now and am not often passable.
Given a chance, people can be wonderfully surprising by accepting, loving and caring about us.
Rock on Girl!
Quote from: Robin Mack on January 03, 2014, 10:40:37 AM
I guess the lesson of all of this, for me, is that I really need to stop second guessing people and stop limiting myself by anticipating negative reactions. Instead of keeping people at a distance, fearing being hurt by their rejection, I am now working on giving them a chance... a chance to surprise me. More often than not, it seems, they do.
Very true! I have to say I've been more surprised at how accepting everyone I've outed myself to has been...admittedly most of them have been health or beauty professionals so to them it's just another day, but even from those I've told at work. Makes me feel good about the future.
Robin I am very happy for you and shocked by a lack of a negative reaction from the people you expected it to. I think for the most part your right on it. I expect my worse reaction is from my family.
My own worst experiences thus far have all been family. I'll find out in late February or early March how work is going to go. I hope I am as fortunate as you, Robin!
Dickens describes such a workplace in his Scrooge - I didn't think it woudl stil be legal to be so backward these days.
Congratulations, Robin ! It's so encouraging to hear such good news. :)
Quote from: Robin Mack on January 03, 2014, 10:40:37 AM
I guess the lesson of all of this, for me, is that I really need to stop second guessing people and stop limiting myself by anticipating negative reactions. Instead of keeping people at a distance, fearing being hurt by their rejection, I am now working on giving them a chance... a chance to surprise me. More often than not, it seems, they do.
Quote from: Tessa James on January 04, 2014, 04:35:11 PM
Good for you Robin, very courageous and thanks for sharing another lesson. My second guessing from a shame based closet was 180 degrees off the mark and allowed me to hide too long. Most people really have treated me very well and I have been out 24/7 for over a year now and am not often passable.
Given a chance, people can be wonderfully surprising by accepting, loving and caring about us.
Thank you both for giving me a little more confidence about facing my terror of social transition.
I work part-time from home, so I probably could have not told my boss. But I did because it didn't feel right to let him eventually learn about me from someone else after speaking with me every week for our status meetings. We do know many people in common.
My boss & any friends I have told have been very supportive. My brother found my news difficult to accept, but we still talk about as often as before. We have reached a point where my being trans doesn't enter the conversation much anymore. My parents still don't know. I visited them in Oct for the first time in over 4 years. They had a lot happening in their lives and I got a strong feeling that they needed to be told that both of their sons were doing OK over in the US. I visit again this year (April, hopefully). I cannot postpone telling them on this next visit; there's too much of a chance that they might hear my news through the grapevine if I leave off telling them for much longer.
Thank you both for sharing. It is hard to face away from that shame-based closet, but your words give me hope that I can do so.
Quote from: kellypatrick on January 04, 2014, 04:21:26 PM
That is great. I have been extremely suprised with the people I have told so far but haven't to people at my current job.
I'm glad you're having a similar experience, and wish you continued success!
Quote from: Misato on January 04, 2014, 04:31:41 PM
Your experience echoes mine Robin, as does the approach you've taken of giving people a chance. :)
:)
I'm glad to hear that, Misato... and I'm glad you're sharing your success, too... thank you. :)
Quote from: Tessa James on January 04, 2014, 04:35:11 PM
Good for you Robin, very courageous and thanks for sharing another lesson. My second guessing from a shame based closet was 180 degrees off the mark and allowed me to hide too long. Most people really have treated me very well and I have been out 24/7 for over a year now and am not often passable.
Given a chance, people can be wonderfully surprising by accepting, loving and caring about us.
Rock on Girl!
*hug* Thank you, Tessa... it is because of people like you, helping to break ground and encouraging acceptance, that my path is easier... as I hope I leave the path behind me for others. I can never pay the people who have gone before me back for the work they have done, but I can do my damnedest to pay it forward. :)
Quote from: Ms Grace on January 04, 2014, 05:27:37 PM
Very true! I have to say I've been more surprised at how accepting everyone I've outed myself to has been...admittedly most of them have been health or beauty professionals so to them it's just another day, but even from those I've told at work. Makes me feel good about the future.
Ms Grace, I can't believe you're not full-time yet, your photos are lovely and you have such wonderful advice to share. Thank you! :)
Quote from: izzy on January 04, 2014, 06:14:49 PM
Robin I am very happy for you and shocked by a lack of a negative reaction from the people you expected it to. I think for the most part your right on it. I expect my worse reaction is from my family.
Dear Izzy, I hope that won't be the case... I truly hope you find a similar experience as you come out more and that, if you can't take your family with you on this journey, that you build a new, chosen, family to help sustain you until your blood relatives adjust and become more accepting. *hug*
Quote from: LizMarie on January 04, 2014, 10:14:25 PM
My own worst experiences thus far have all been family. I'll find out in late February or early March how work is going to go. I hope I am as fortunate as you, Robin!
*hug* Fingers crossed, LizMarie! :)
Quote from: lilacwoman on January 05, 2014, 04:29:47 AM
Dickens describes such a workplace in his Scrooge - I didn't think it woudl stil be legal to be so backward these days.
*heh* Alas, free enterprise in family run corporations (since they don't have to answer to the general public) means that the owner of the company is free to espouse and enforce conformity to policies that may be oppressive so long as they are not explicitly illegal. On the plus side there are at least a few more protections and better opportunities than there were in Victorian England... I do appreciate the sympathy though. And now to see if I can bother my manager for an extra lump of coal, as my coat is more than a bit threadbare and it is ever so cold in here... :)
Quote from: TessaMarie on January 05, 2014, 02:13:51 PM
Congratulations, Robin ! It's so encouraging to hear such good news. :)
Thank you both for giving me a little more confidence about facing my terror of social transition.
I work part-time from home, so I probably could have not told my boss. But I did because it didn't feel right to let him eventually learn about me from someone else after speaking with me every week for our status meetings. We do know many people in common.
My boss & any friends I have told have been very supportive. My brother found my news difficult to accept, but we still talk about as often as before. We have reached a point where my being trans doesn't enter the conversation much anymore. My parents still don't know. I visited them in Oct for the first time in over 4 years. They had a lot happening in their lives and I got a strong feeling that they needed to be told that both of their sons were doing OK over in the US. I visit again this year (April, hopefully). I cannot postpone telling them on this next visit; there's too much of a chance that they might hear my news through the grapevine if I leave off telling them for much longer.
Thank you both for sharing. It is hard to face away from that shame-based closet, but your words give me hope that I can do so.
*hug*
TessaMarie, the single most helpful thing (for me) was to realize that the secret to defeating that shame was that
there was no reason to be ashamed. I'm fighting hard to finally give myself a chance to be who I am inside... the people who should be ashamed are the ones who convinced me that I was wrong. And even they were just victims of societal standards. That's why giving them a chance came as such a breakthrough for me... as I hope it will be for you. You've already come out to your boss for a reason that speaks highly of you: moral integrity. You are one hell of a woman, and you should take pride in that. You are also fighting a birth defect and working to make yourself whole so you can take your rightful place in society. That's a *lot* to be proud of. Shame? Is there shame in a CIS woman having corrective surgery to fix a birth defect or a hormonal imbalance? :)
Much love and many hugs to all!
Quote from: Robin Mack on January 08, 2014, 12:02:35 PM
Ms Grace, I can't believe you're not full-time yet, your photos are lovely and you have such wonderful advice to share. Thank you! :)
Thanks Robin, sadly the hair in my pic is a wig. I'm working on getting my real hair back, thicker and longer... is going to take a few more months yet. I don't like the idea of wearing a wig full time, especially not during the Australian summer, so it's winter at the earliest.
Hugs
Quote from: Ms Grace on January 08, 2014, 07:19:43 PM
Thanks Robin, sadly the hair in my pic is a wig. I'm working on getting my real hair back, thicker and longer... is going to take a few more months yet. I don't like the idea of wearing a wig full time, especially not during the Australian summer, so it's winter at the earliest.
Hugs
I used a wig for my RLE. So uncomfortable. Got hair extensions but, so expensive!
May your hair grow fast, long and thick. :)
Robin
That was a really inspiring read. I'm out to only one person at the moment, and withe the way I feel just now I think I'll be moving on rather transitioning on the job, but most people may well be more accepting than perhaps we fear. It must be so awesome to be free of the worry about losing work or income because of transition. Good for you! :D
And Misato
'May your hair grow fast and long and thick' - that should be in the ironworks at the gaye to the MTF board ;)
I believe that the only way to make sure that people will not like or accept you is to put up a facade so they never really know the real you. If you do that, they may like the facade, but that means they don't actually like you. If you take a risk and show the real you . . . Then they may not like you, but they just might! And if they do, it means they like and accept the real you!
Plus, people seem to like authenticity. So that seems to make it more likely that they will like a person if they get to know the real person. :)
Quote from: Misato on January 08, 2014, 08:40:04 PM
I used a wig for my RLE. So uncomfortable. Got hair extensions but, so expensive!
May your hair grow fast, long and thick. :)
Thanks Paige! :)
I'll see where I'm at in May when I expect to go full-time... extensions sound preferable to a wig, cost or not.
Quote from: Ms Grace on January 09, 2014, 01:32:53 AM
Thanks Paige! :)
I'll see where I'm at in May when I expect to go full-time... extensions sound preferable to a wig, cost or not.
Extensions are preferable. I got the kind that are glued in which has lead to me spending a small fortune. Look great and they give me a lot of confidence so no regrets but, I would have had a lot of hesitation last year had I known how much I was setting myself up to spend. But, my hair was really short when I started so I also made it about as bad as I could on the expense front.