I'm interested in knowing which part of transition was the most difficult for you emotionally. Was it the actual coming to terms with your gender issues, the working through the timeline of your transition, the telling of people close to you, the hormones, RLE, SRS, etc? What did you do to get past it? Looking back now, do you think those difficult times were just another thing to work through or were they serious "boulders" to your progress forward?
I'm not having any particular issues right now, just working on a timeline and how I want to move forward and I got to thinking about everyone and how their situations, although quite different and individualized, are also somewhat similar too. Any thoughts you have would be appreciated. Thanks, Meghan
Having to leave my family.
The guilt will never stop.
Buffy
Quote from: MeghanAndrews on July 07, 2007, 05:43:08 PM
I'm interested in knowing which part of transition was the most difficult for you emotionally. Was it the actual coming to terms with your gender issues, the working through the timeline of your transition, the telling of people close to you, the hormones, RLE, SRS, etc?
The worst part was deciding to do it. Going through the steps have been easy in comparison.
Picking the keys up from my dresser to leave my family. It took hours in my mind even though it was only a few seconds. What a horrible day that was for all of us. The torture that followed me for the next couple of years was nothing like that one moment where I made a decision that affected the lives of so many people.
They still hold it against me. On my side, I'm thankful that I'm still alive and that I've been able to support my children over the years as they have grown and married. I know that had I stayed, their mother would have soon been a widow.
Cindi
HUm... Telling my then Fiancée that I was really a girl was the very hardest part. Second hardest was telling telling my kids Third was talking to the boss at work though it was a distant third. Most of the steps have been more worrisome then anything else, more like rites of passage.
There have been so many profoundly difficult experiences to my transition. For me, this is a very difficult question to answer. But, I truly was suffering from a life threatening illness. (I must caution the readers that I have an intensely complicated and philosophical definition of life, living and death.)
But, I was terminally ill. All, life is of supreme value, and must be saved at all costs. This is the first duty and obligation of membership in humanity, society, and good government. And all will be judged on this standard of the living by the living and by the eternal. But, in the United States, we tell you that you are potentially dying from this fatal illness, but refuse to help pay for the life saving medical treatments that are commonly available, because the American government does not what to be seen helping those none Christian, ugly, homosexual, perverts. That is not good politics, if you want to get re-elected.
This is exactly what happened in the 1980s during the fright to get the United States to fund research for a cure for HIV. I know what I am talking about on this issue, for those whom know my former name; you can simply check the Congressional Record to confirm my credentials.
My quick and easy response to your question is that my most painful experience was when I discovered that my doctors (my high priced plastic surgeons) were really in it for the money, and cared little about me. Although, I have been betrayed by many throughout life, I have had few that took the Hippocratic Oath exploit me, at such a vulnerable time in my life, while on unconscious on an operating room table. I literally had cash (big amounts) taken from my wallet by a doctor while I laid unconscious in the operating room.
Godiva
Having the guts to even think about this stuff openly myself, I spent a long time dancing around the problem in my head.
A surprisingly difficult question.
For me, a number of things. Some directly related to transition (slow development) and some not but dove tale in anyway (finances). Many of the issues we normally face I have seen nothing of, rather I get different... hurts.
Quote from: MeghanAndrews on July 07, 2007, 05:43:08 PM
I'm interested in knowing which part of transition was the most difficult for you emotionally.
The day I walked into the bedroom, said to my wife,
"I need to start HRT," and saw the tears welling up in her eyes...
~Kate~
Telling my guy-friends. I knew some of these kids since elementary school, and some of them were not the most open-minded people I knew. That and the fact high school can be a just a brutal environment made me put it off until a few months after I had told everyone else. Once I had told the first one though, it became much easier after that. I guess starting things is what I have problems with.
Telling my family. They were also the serious bolder that was in the way of me doing anything (I lived with them when I was establishing my job).
Everything else was easy. I had no wife or kids (thank god). I have great friends and work in the most progressive environment you can work in.
Yup...Family. I told them and they turned their back on me. They are hypocrites anyway.
The hardest pasrt for me has definitely been the loss of my girlfriend. We love each other dearly.
She wants a traditional relationship and a husband. I wish I could give thast to her but I can't. It's been very hard for both of us, and I dread the day that she starts dating someone else, but she is such an amazing person who has given me so much that I can't imagine life without her. :'(
Charlotte
I had to let go, and her me, of a beautiful, intelligent, soulful woman I still love incredibly because we both knew I could not be the man (physical form) she needed. But, she still loved me even when we broke up, very very sad time for 6 months for both of us, which precipitated my transition.
She lives in Kiev and her cultural background makes my not being "the man" even worse than it would be in this culture. Not to mention the incredible homophobia and in all Russian republics, also if you act out of norm, you may be branded crazy which is one of the worse thing that one can insult a russian with.
I've cut my connection to two russian friends I liked a lot from here (said to them I moved south america, even rerouted mail through there from a friend I have there!!!!) that know her, so the news of my transition would not get back to her. She has a great deal of very bad untreated anxiety (she has many panic attacks) and I don't want her to suffer because of me. I used to cry every time I thought about it, now I think I finally I am able to let her go.
Telling my parents & doctors their efforts to make me a boy was a failure. Telling them I was a girl not a boy. Having to undo the testosterone treatments and induce feminization thru estrogen & surgery.
Fighting with the U.K NHS system for 8 years and not being able to access treatment......so far nothing has been facilitated so my transition is non - existent......apart from being on hormones for 7 years..
I really think the hardest part for me was being young and stupid. I started at such a young age and I did not care what anyone thought. I turned into a recluse and did my own thing. I did not have too many friends to do things with. I did not come out of my shell until I was well into college, and not a lot then. Not knowing what direction to take many times led into depression. When I would party I would drink so that I did not care what anyone thought. I got so messed up at times it really did not matter. My senior year of college was the turning point. When you make enough friends that support you, you start beleiving in yourself.
I was told by someone one time that God did not make mistakes. We are all here for a purpose. It finaly has sunk in.
Deb
hardest bit: working out wtf was wrong with me. and STARTING to do something about it, its all gotten easier as it goes by.
Quote from: Rachael on July 10, 2007, 06:30:38 PM
hardest bit: working out wtf was wrong with me. and STARTING to do something about it, its all gotten easier as it goes by.
Me too. Hardest part was just before actually doing anything - telling people, wondering what would happen to my relationships, my career and my body. It all went fine though.
Dennis
for me too largely.
aside from loosing my parents, alls gone smoothly
Reading through the posts it seems that "telling" and "leaving" are often the worst parts. Makes me feel such a coward for only "telling" one person (my SO) and just don't ask me to have the courage to "leave".
Much respect to you all, Louise
I hope it doesn`t get worse. I just came to acceptance and spend 1/2 my time wanting to die.. I waould have to say the hardest part was trying to transition into a little boy when I was 4 or 5 for social survival. Being punished for not acting like a boy. It better not get any worse than that or I will not be able to make it through... Ang.
The hardest part has been coming out to everyone--especially my parents. Just about everyone took it well except my biological family (who still has not accepted it). I knew that in order to get from point A to point B, I had to come out to everyone, so I just did it. The second hardest thing was my divorce. I thought I would be financially ruined, but I have survived so far.
to leave the old life behind and start a new one as katia.
Whichever part that I'm going through at the moment.
Meghan, the most difficult aspect of transitioning has been the loss of most of my family, especially my kids. That is something that burns deep in my soul all the time. But if I ask myself "Would I go back to where I was and live the rest of my life as a male if it meant I'd have everyone back in my life, just as before?" The answer is, "I'd rather die."
I accept they don't understand but it still hurts. :'(
Julie
Quote from: Rachael on July 11, 2007, 09:51:01 AM
for me too largely.
aside from loosing my parents, alls gone smoothly
That is awful Rachael, it happened to my friend as well. Her parents disowned her and threatened to call the police if she came near their front door. Why the polic would be in the slightest interested is a mystery......she has just managed to start talking with her mum again after 13 years..
Hi all,
Coming out to my wife was the hardest thing I ever did in my whole life. I needed to for soooooooo long and even when I did it took a whole lot of reserves and days went by with each day trying to pluck up the courage. I thank all of you back then who helped me to make the decision (seems a lifetime ago, although only 3 months). I actually took the advice of a SO in the end and glad I did.
I'm glad I did because now I can talk about how I have felt since 8
I'm sure it will be just as hard with other members of my family.
hugs and kisses
Nigella
Quote from: Kiera on July 14, 2007, 08:03:46 AM
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So far I have taken the "easy, cowardly dog path" and am not OUT to anybody outside of my immediate family (due to where I live & work being a necessity) and as I gradually transition to a decidedly "more feminine look" those I am closest to on a day-in day-out basis (ie: at work I am very well liked and do not want to jeapordize that) will just have to draw their own conclusions about me (as I am not volunteering anything right now).
Hi Kiera, Me "coward" too!! Except I'm nowhere near getting HRT yet, but only my SO (and any others in the family she has chosen to tell) know about me. I can see me adopting the "gradual changes" approach like you and let people take me or leave me. Making a formal announcement and writing letters to people doesn't appeal.
Best wishes to you, Louise
The surgeon who performed my SRS was really, really good at preserving nerve endings, I truly believe that I'm every bit as sensitive after the surgery then I was before. As a result of this dilating at first it was incredibly painful, months went by of having to literally torture myself several times a day by using the stents so that I wouldn't close up down there resulting in another expensive surgery.
I fixed the problem by reshaping some of the stents from a rounded tip to a more bullet like shape and putting a layer of gel lubrication on the stent first and then cover that with liquid lube which resulted in a lot less pain and friction.
It's been a couple of years now and everything's fine and I can even ride a bike over long distances. The only bad thing I have to face is ignorance and how truly stupid some people are willing to act. Oh yeah, you know when a woman laughs really hard at something and she says I'm going to wet my pants and you would think oh how cute, well it's not.
Mine is weird kinda. Back when I first started my transition (late 80's), and publicly out I was always freaked out by second and third double takes making me feel like I'm not passable. Presently I still have guys take second looks at me but not the girls I have noticed. I have been telling myself that they are just being your typical male.
The funny thing is that I know that I am now passable and can't even pass as a male anymore. Every time I go out looking like crap I still get the "can I help you ma'am?? Makes me wonder why this paranoia won't subside. :P
The hardest part for me was to own who I am. I knew that I was female, known it for a long time, but I felt like I didn't pass. I was a big person and I still am but I have gotten past all of that by being who I am and not letting people get to me. It took a lot of work and a lot of crying before I would accept myself. There was a time when I thought the heck with it, I will just be this guy and have these female thoughts and know myself as female in a mans body. That was when I took the sleeping pills. If I would have had my gun at that time, I wouldn't be here. That was very hard for me. Once I got over the fact there are other woman who are just as big as me and they have issues too. I'm not alone anymore. Of course I haven't found a woman with a ring size of 15 yet. There must be someone out there with that size of a finger.
Sheila
...Money, finance, the NHS stalling process, losing some of my friends, time wasting, trying to find specialist surgeons, etc...
Quote from: Lisbeth on July 07, 2007, 08:17:38 PM
The worst part was deciding to do it. Going through the steps have been easy in comparison.
I think of these words from
The Hobbit:
"It was at this point that Bilbo stopped. Going on from there was the bravest thing he ever did. The tremendous things that happened afterward were as nothing compared to it. He fought the real battle in the tunnel alone, before he ever saw the vast danger that lay in wait."
The biggest problem for me is the time scale......how long it's taken....I asumed I would be able to achieve it in 18 months but 7 years down the line and it's not getting any easier......finance is also a big problem and also the misinformation first given to me at the start of what a transition really is......
I think taking the very earliest, small steps toward asserting myself was the hardest, because it meant passing from the known to the unknown and forbidden.
The next hardest was the months leading up to transitioning at work. My work transition itself was almost a non-event, after all that worry.
The most difficult part of my transition was getting off my duff and starting. Inertia of 50 years can be one powerful force, but when I got to the "That's all I can stands, I can't stands no more!" point, I let my heart take the lead and I knew that I had chosen the right path.
I am thankful that I took it instead of being a mouse and running for cover.
Wing Walker
Yes, The future (tomorrow) is frightening, Not knowing what you're in for next is a hard part of transitioning. So far, for myself, it hasn't been so hard, but I can imagine some real dandy stuff comming up in the future. :P