I need some help.
I've read a lot of transition stories, and most of them are really dramatic. Childhood abuse, feelings of mental torture, depression, self hatred, etc. And the stories all seem to end with the author cautioning that unless your only options are transition or death, don't even think about trying to transition.
Really? Transition or death? I'm just not that dramatic about anything in life. I'm even-tempered and usually pretty optimistic.
I do fit most of the typical mtf profile, though. Early memories of praying to wake up as a girl, never really fitting in as a guy, spending hours in my mom's closet, strict religious upbringing teaching me to push those feelings down, etc. I'd say I have moderate dysphoria. But I grew up in a relatively stable home, so I just don't have a tragic story... other than being in the wrong role.
I haven't hated my life till now...I just have the overwhelming (and sometimes all-consuming) sense that I'd feel so much better as a woman. For me it's more about a need to move on to who I really am, rather than a need to escape a horrible existence.
Here's my question: I know everyone's path is different, but do you think transition requires misery and depression? Or can absolute certainty and intense hopeful feelings for a future as a woman make a successful transition possible?
I'm having trouble finding the right language. So I hope that made sense. :)
Hi Katie! Transition, for me, does not cause misery or depression, but those were very key things that made it necessary. The misery and depression comes from living a lie and denying for so long one's true self while attempting to live up to the expectations other people set. When you feel one way, but others make you deny that, stress is the end product. A lot, not all, transgender people turn to drugs and alcohol or other means to kill the pain they feel at denying themselves the right to exist. I used my career in the hopes I would get killed and thus not be in pain all the time. That was my "drug". Also, the adrenaline rushes occupied my mind and relieved some of the Dysphoria. Everyone is different on how the cope.
Can you have a happy and successful transition, of course. I am on the track to transition and started at 47 years old. I have never in my life felt better and been more hopeful. Do we have trials and problems along the way, yes. Transition is not cheap, quick, easy or painless, but the outcome is to live as one's true self. I am really jazzed up by the thought of living as my true self for the remainder of my life. I have already lost quite a bit, but will gain in the end by being me...a complete woman. Someone who lives for herself and not trying to fulfill the wishes of others, just me. Sounds selfish I know, but I have done for others my whole life and it is time for me now. I go into transition with no regrets, hesitation or unrealistic dreams. Hope this helps. PM me if you need anything else at all. :) :)
Not everybody has misery and depression. It really depends on how bad your dyphoria is. Some of us were able to cope with the distress and uncertainty for a long time. Some of us will continue to cope, because a full physical transition is out of reach.
I am really jazzed up by the thought of living as my true self for the remainder of my life
I wish that we all could have a similar outlook! You are to be congratulated.
Hi Katie, if I have learned anything in my time here at Susan's it's this: There is no fixed blueprint for our gender journey.
Sure others can offer their history, perspective, and experience. Sure we can be told there is a general way to this or an accepted way to engage that. Sure we can read books and watch documentaries. At the end of the day, though, it is our own unique sense of things and our own personal experience that determines how our particular journey unfolds.
If you have heard that transition involves misery and depression for many - well maybe this is true and maybe it is not. Even if it were true for 100% of the trans folk out there, however - and I suspect there may be a few dissenters here! - it does not mean the same will be true for you.
Listen to others. Seek counsel and advice. Consider divergent views and opinions. At the end of the day, though, trust your sense of things. In my experience, this will take you where you need to go.
Best,
To be honest I had a past that no one would want.
But transitioning has been a total and absolute joy.
Quote from: Jamie D on January 09, 2014, 12:46:54 AM
Not everybody has misery and depression. It really depends on how bad your dyphoria is. Some of us were able to cope with the distress and uncertainty for a long time. Some of us will continue to cope, because a full physical transition is out of reach.
I am really jazzed up by the thought of living as my true self for the remainder of my life
I wish that we all could have a similar outlook! You are to be congratulated.
Thanks so much! I'm also really jazzed at the idea of FINALLY being the woman I've always been.
I think that's really a key for me. I've pushed it down and coped for most of my adult life because transition was out of reach. But things changed a few months ago, and suddenly there is no more coping. I'm still not depressed or miserable, but it's a constant thought/feeling that I've got to find a way to make this happen.
I get that transitioning is a stressful (and exciting) event that requires major commitment to the process. If your only options are transition or death, then you'll have plenty of motivation to make that decision and it'll push you through the tough times. I don't have that same motivation. So I'm wanting to know if any of you have had a similar experience, where it was the positive feelings that pushed you to decide to transition rather than negative.
Mine was great, had the full support of my mother and family, I was never depressed at all, in fact up until I came out, mum thought I was a happy but odd little boy
Haha, no, seriously, but it'll be ok. It is empowering and crushing at the same time. It feels easily achievable and then impossibly difficult after you start. It us all consuming but never ending. Do not hope for easy, hope only for acceptance.
I felt totally confidant that I could handle this even after months on end of therapy. Living it is proving to be more challenging. That said, there's no question it is the right decision.
I had tragedy and sadness in my life. And transition was hard, especially I think because I started older than most. But let me stress - I have real joy in my life now which never existed before. Yes, It was bought at a high cost and transition is mentally hard and physically dangerous which is why the warnings. But for those who need it, the cost means nothing and the hardships are just something to bear. The transitio itself is hard, but finishing is wonderful. One day you wake up and look in the mirror and like, even love what you see. I never had that before.
I think each person has their own struggles and it's different. I know that for me personally, even if I had acceptance and everything was great, I'd still struggle a great deal emotionally until I was done physically and had all my surgeries, etc. If I felt there was a way to be happy as my birth sex, I honestly wouldn't have bothered dealing with ignorant people, rejection, and hormones/surgeries. But that doesn't mean I don't believe I can come out better off for it, I couldn't have been happy as a girl.
Some people are accepted my family, friends, work, some are only accepted by some people, some are accepted by none. I do believe it's possible to have a happy transition. Not challenge-free, but to come out the other end better off than you would be had you not transitioned.
I can see how you might feel discouraged when you read all the difficulties people have. Transition is rarely easy, but what worthwhile thing in life is? A lot of us, myself included, want people to be prepared for the challenges and not to start with unrealistic expectations. The improved availability of hormones and surgeries is a double edged sword as well. It means that those who need them get them more easily but it also means that some undertake them when perhaps they should not. Its pretty much as major a life decision as you could ever possibly undertake and it should be entered into soberly and with much thought.
Of course, I did none of this and just raced into it with little thought for the consequences. It worked out but i wouldnt recommend it.
Quote from: amber1964 on January 09, 2014, 03:24:10 AM
I can see how you might feel discouraged when you read all the difficulties people have. Transition is rarely easy, but what worthwhile thing in life is? A lot of us, myself included, want people to be prepared for the challenges and not to start with unrealistic expectations. The improved availability of hormones and surgeries is a double edged sword as well. It means that those who need them get them more easily but it also means that some undertake them when perhaps they should not. Its pretty much as major a life decision as you could ever possibly undertake and it should be entered into soberly and with much thought.
Of course, I did none of this and just raced into it with little thought for the consequences. It worked out but i wouldnt recommend it.
This!
Of course no, my analogy is you are driving toyota right now, you don't need to hate or feel miserable with your current car in order to have new Porsche.
Unlike probably with many transgender, transition is no big deal for me. I'm lucky that its relatively easy.
yeah. transition does not have to be that way for everyone. some of us had a ok transition filled with good memories and fun. sure you have your bad times but i like to think overall my time in high school and college with transition was a good one :)
Quote from: katiej on January 09, 2014, 12:18:22 AM
And the stories all seem to end with the author cautioning that unless your only options are transition or death, don't even think about trying to transition.
Poppycock and balderdash.
I was happy pre-transition. I am much happier post-transition, despite a nasty divorce (which might've happened anyway). I think the "you need to be unhappy" is imposed on us by cisgendered health providers who don't want to pump hormones into our body or do their slicing unless they know they're going to help us in some way. All that makes sense, but it led to them insisting that we were truly miserable before they would intervened, which is, IMO, a very damaging attitude.
My personal observation would be that the ease and happiness in transition varies inversely with age. Thats not a law just a general observation. At some point in your life you have lived a long time as a certain sex. Once you get to that point the probability that your carrying around a lot of baggage is much higher. You have also built an entire life for yourself, often complete with children, long term friends, spouses, careers etc etc. All of these things are impacted by transitioning. At the same time, the older you are the less convincing your transition will be without expensive surgery. The older you are the harder it all is. Even recovering from surgery takes a lot longer as you get older as do the risks. Like most medical conditions ours is most succesfully treated early.
I dont know about happy transition...eerr I mean...how can I have a happy transition when everytime I see myself in the mirror I cry and think about every single mistake I ve made in my life...
I dont know though...sometimes its bad but sometimes its nice , I have support and I feel that I can be myself without others hurting me so thats really nice...
What matters most for me isnt transition but the actual result...
Id say my transition till now is kinda happy,,,if you exclude my dysphoria...which Im hopping to get rid of when the transition ends...
Yes there is happiness in transition.
Its not always sunshine, rainbows and roses walking the path. There is lots of darkness and sadness dealing with society and depression. If you stay true to your inner self you will make it to the happiness you need.
Every transition is different, each holds it owns wants, wishes and goals. You are the only one who can make these.
You only get out of life what you put into it. So its you transition to make either happy our sad.
Izzy
I didn't go to my therapist saying that I wanted to transition, in fact I was quite reluctant to do so, hoped I wouldn't actually have to go there and was actively shopping for workarounds. I just said that I felt distinctly female a lot of the time, that I was miserable almost all the time and just wanted to stop feeling hopeless and indifferent to living- and by the way, I had recently begun presenting female at home.
She was one of the few therapists who "got it" when it came to trans* issues, and to my surprise (to put it mildly), she told me I actually needed to try out a low dose of estrogen ASAP no matter what.
It turns out that I didn't even know what happy really was until I started estrogen. It made a huge difference in only two hours.
I didn't ever want to have to send that proverbial wrecking ball through my life, but if there was a chance to set myself free and be happy, rolling those dice was became my best option. Unlike almost every time I've been to Vegas, I got incredibly lucky. That so-called wrecking ball has so far only taken out a drunkle, his family and a couple of close friends who may actually still yet come around. Had it wiped out everyone who was significant in my life, I know I'd still be better off overall. Who needs toxic people like that anyway? And I do make new friends much more easily now...
My transition, albeit somewhat impromptu has been so far the best and happiest year of my life. I can't wait to see what the next year has in store.
People suffer weather they are trans or not, the individuals who cause them pain over it are better not in someones life.
Most of my lifes pain comes from those around me, not from being trans, in fact I'm happy I know who Iam now and transitioning will be a happy thing that will bring me closer to being myself.
Misery, depression and suicidal thoughts should not be a requirement to transition. You can think of it in terms of every other medical problem: once you've identified something, especially something life threatening, it is generally better to seek treatment before it turns into an even bigger problem. I put up with Crohn's disease for about a year and a half because I thought it would go away one day, but instead I ended up in the ER. I learned from that and decided to transition before ever getting to the "transition or die" stage.
Quote from: Anna++ on January 09, 2014, 12:56:29 PM
Misery, depression and suicidal thoughts should not be a requirement to transition. You can think of it in terms of every other medical problem: once you've identified something, especially something life threatening, it is generally better to seek treatment before it turns into an even bigger problem. I put up with Crohn's disease for about a year and a half because I thought it would go away one day, but instead I ended up in the ER. I learned from that and decided to transition before ever getting to the "transition or die" stage.
I think this is a very intelligent insight. I know that for me, one of the things that pushed me to transition before I couldn't take it anymore was seeing the consequences that waiting could have. I just kept seeing people who thought they could 'pray the gay away', or get married and suck it up, or figure out how to live as their birth sex despite knowing they were trans. And it just seems to never end well that way. Divorces, more rejection, more to lose careerwise...to me it just wasn't worth it because I could see myself in those people. I could see myself ending up with that result. So I decided to address it.
YES. I basically had a moment at 32 years old when I realized "I'm a woman, and I need the rest of the world to recognize me as one." I did *not* have trauma and dysphoria before that (although the dysphoria set in soon after), and while it made sense of a lot of hints in my past, I still honestly believe myself to have been a boy once. I just got over it. :)
I also was lucky enough to transition in 11 months and keep my job, my life, my wife, and my family and friends. There were some tough moments even so, but I'd say both the realization and the transition were basically "happy." Personally, I didn't ask if I was too depressed to live otherwise - I wasn't - but if I thought I'd be *happier* if I did this next step. I always thought I would be, and I was. For the longest time I saw the same trans narratives that you did and they made me feel like a fake, like I wasn't really trans... but since I'm even happy about GRS, I think I have to admit I "count" too!
Quote from: Jenna Marie on January 10, 2014, 01:30:20 PM
YES. I basically had a moment at 32 years old when I realized "I'm a woman, and I need the rest of the world to recognize me as one." I did *not* have trauma and dysphoria before that (although the dysphoria set in soon after), and while it made sense of a lot of hints in my past, I still honestly believe myself to have been a boy once. I just got over it. :)
I also was lucky enough to transition in 11 months and keep my job, my life, my wife, and my family and friends. There were some tough moments even so, but I'd say both the realization and the transition were basically "happy." Personally, I didn't ask if I was too depressed to live otherwise - I wasn't - but if I thought I'd be *happier* if I did this next step. I always thought I would be, and I was.
Thanks, Jenna! That is enormously helpful. Hearing from others who have been able to stay married through their transition gives me hope that I can do the same. As much as I want to transition, I'm not sure I'm willing to end my marriage and put my kids through that. And I'm starting to think my wife might actually be ok with it.
And 11 months...wow! Was that the time between realization and going full-time?
I'm working on some plans and I think I could go full-time in a year or two. And this is the first time in my life that this has even seemed possible. It's an exhilarating and scary feeling. Step one...come out to my wife.
QuoteFor the longest time I saw the same trans narratives that you did and they made me feel like a fake, like I wasn't really trans... but since I'm even happy about GRS, I think I have to admit I "count" too!
SRS is one of the things I'm most excited about. I wouldn't say I have body dysmorphia...more like a serious case of vagina envy.
Katie : First of all, good luck!! I like to tell my story so that people like you know it totally *is* possible to do this based just on "think I'd be a lot happier." :) Heck, I also switched careers - and went back to school for a Master's - because I thought I'd be a lot happier; transition is far from the only thing where people make major life changes just because they think their lives would improve, not that their lives are unlivable now. I hope that your wife is as understanding as mine, and my main advice there would be to be patient. It's a big scary thing and a shock, and she may need some time to adjust.
Yes, it was roughly 11 months from figuring out that I wanted it to the day that I went full-time at work and never looked back. I didn't actually intend to move that fast, but once I got started I just couldn't stand to wait anymore for anything. (That too was hard on my wife, but in retrospect, going slowly would have been hard in a different way.)
I was kind of like you about GRS, too. Didn't hate the original equipment at first (it did get worse over the years), but REALLY wanted a vagina. And it was worth it, too!
It wasn't until yesterday in discussion with a psychiatrist who was giving the independent opinion for surgery that gender dysporia and transsexualism are regarded differently. The end result may be the same however.
I'm not particularly dysphoric about my genitals, but I want my mind and body to be congruent. Hence I'm recommend for surgery to satisfy that, a person who is dysphoric about their genitals is recommended for surgery to cure their dysphoria.
A bit of hair splitting IMO but it may help to explain why we feel different to each other at times and not see each others point of view on occasions.
I don't think getting to the point where the only choices left are transition or death is necessary by any means, it's just that a lot of us do wait till it gets that bad, and that is the only reason it is a pretty common narrative.
In order for me to live the best version of my life, and become the best version of myself, I have to be female. That has always been true—toddling, teen, young adult—and at any point in my life if I had transitioned, it would not have been a choice of life and death, until my early thirties, when it actually became that.
It took getting to that dark place for me to finally course correct. By then it was so hard. You have to imagine being the weakest emotionally you have ever been in your life, and being utterly drained of hope, and somehow finding the wherewithal in that state to choose to do the hardest thing you will ever do, and then actually do it. Just because you want to live, meanwhile despising your own existence and not wanting to wake up in the morning? I mean how in the world I did that ... I just don't get it.
Don't wait till it gets that bad, if you can. It is super dangerous.
Hi Katie. Welcome! :)
Short Answer: Yes.
Slightly Longer Answer:
Be mindful of what Amber said about HRT being quite readily available. A few wise people told me early on that the most I should do is the least I can do to ease the dysphoria. This has helped me slow myself down and carefully consider each step I am taking.
Taking time to move slowly has allowed my wife to adapt to the changes my transition are bringing to her life. I posted about how that has helped in another thread. (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,157438.msg1332617.html#msg1332617)
I am much more content within myself than I ever was before. It still feels amazing to feel that there is no aspect of my life that needs to be kept hidden, not just from others, but even from myself. Having a loving spouse by my side makes everything much better & much easier.
I would not be going through any of this if it was making me miserable. I may only get intermittent moments of happiness, but I have a whole lot of contentment :)
Be well. Have fun. And above all, be thoroughly honest with yourself.
Tessa
Transition without prior suicidality or depression? Absolutely, yes. I doubt without some anxiety or apprehension in some capacity, however (coming out, fears regarding passing, violence, etc.)
I feel as though I've gone through far more painful struggles in life than this. Transitioning has been cathartic, rejuvenating even but it didn't come from the depths of utter despair. My heart goes out to all who have.