Hey I'm new to the forum and I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to deal with the feeling that I'm worthless, disgusting, repulsive and unlovable because I am a transsexual :(
I feel like for the benefit of everybody else and myself, I should just accept that my life isn't worth living as a transsexual and should just find the guts to end it.
Internalised transphobia is common in many trans* people. They are raised in a cis gendered society to believe in the sanctity of birth assigned gender and the immutability of gender roles, that trans gender is wrong and even despicable. I struggled with this to varying degrees for years. I didn't want to be trans* even though I most definitely desperately wanted to be female - a massive conundrum. To say I didn't want to be trans* because it meant I was a "freak" essentially says all trans* people are also "freaks" which is insulting to those people and very transphobic. Until I dealt with how I felt about trans gender and trans people I was unable to move forward and accept myself and be proud of who I was.
It sounds like you need to talk to a gender counsellor to at least sort out your feelings about gender and how you relate to yourself. That's where having "the guts" truly lies, not in pointlessly "ending it".
Hugs
Grace
I agree with Ms Grace. You should definitely consult a professional. That said, I would offer the perspective of someone who suffered for decades from similar self-hatred.
Early in life, I had always defined victory in terms of conquering my gender. "Man up!" "Be grateful for what you have!" I tried everything. Nothing worked. On the outside, I was a huge success. Inside, I grew more and more miserable.
One night, after a particularly deep and dangerous bout of depression, I realized that I needed to redefine victory. Victory lay not in conquering my gender, but in learning to accept it - with grace. With that realization, I walked into daylight for the first time in my life.
It was like there was a person inside me, a little girl that I had stifled and abused since she was born. I never allowed her a voice. I never nurtured her or allowed her to experience love. I made her feel worthless.
The world can be very cruel. But as it turned out, I had been my greatest tormentor. That was a painful realization.
It helped me to think in terms of a helpless child within. If I wouldn't stand up for her, who would? My mantra shifted from "man up" to "take responsibility for this helpless person".
It took me a year or two to earn that child's trust. I had to convince her that, from now on, she could count on me to speak up for her, to take care of her and, most important, to love her. If you cannot love yourself, all the love in the world from others counts for naught.
Once I earned her trust, I basically became an integrated person again. And I was ready to pursue my superficial transition in earnest. [I hate the term to "transition". All I am doing is to give the person inside me the visibility and affirmation she deserved all along.]
I am one. I am happy. And I finally understand that, no matter how the rest of the world treats me, I have an obligation as a "parent" to love that person inside. It is the most important thing I can do.
When you don't, you suffer from a double hatred. You hate the "child within" because you are ashamed of who and what they are. And you hate the "parent within" for being ashamed in the first place. It is a difficult hole to crawl out of - but worth it!
I'm older and have dealt with this all my life since age 4. It's not fun and can get incredibly depressing As a child I had severe dysphoria . MY dreams were always of losing my genitals. I didn't belong. This lasted into the college years when I started getting counseling . I personally believe with the right person counseling can help quite a bit. It saved my life. Growing up I had a strange view of being transgender. I viewed it as pretty off the wall and disturbing which sadly most of society still does. It took me a long time to accept being transgender. I finally did and I feel so much better.
Hi Lost, Welcome to Susan's
Feelings are temporary, especially the destructive ones which you seem to be deep into at the moment. To dig your way out means finding meaning and value in who you are. A therapist can definitely help with that but there are things you can do on your own too. One thing is, trans feelings are not all you are. You are, perhaps, healthy wealthy or young. You have skills and are uniquely you just as I am uniquely me. Those are good things.
Learn more about the successes of trans people and then work to emulate that success. You will find many here have been in that low spot and even fall back into it from time to time. You likely have people telling you that you are worthless and other belittling things. Guess what. They are not you and cannot define you, if you don't let them. Be yourself, follow your dreams, be they school, career or family goals. Have faith that you are a worthwhile person.
Much easier said then done without anyone to support your views. When people get to you, come here and talk or read. You will find many here who will listen and commiserate with you m but they have made it and so can you. It gets easier the more you start to see that.
The only advice I have to offer is to try and see that what you are is not the same as who you are.
Who you are is what gives your life worth, meaning, attractiveness to others. Who you are is what makes your mark on the world. That spark of sentience inside you which came to terms with the what. That is what defines your life. The mind is the blueprint. The overriding 'you'. Whether your body is congruent to your mind or not, it is not that which makes you who you are. It is the blueprint. The architect.
You are inherently worth something because you are a human being. Forget the transsexual label for a moment, as hard as that may be. That doesn't change the fundamentals of who you are. You still laugh, cry, love, hope, dream, believe, care... everything else which makes someone inherently valuable. You don't lose that because your anatomy isn't in line with your psychology. You are still a very capable, loveable, unique, potentially amazing person.
To bring your body into line with your psyche may be the goal, but again that doesn't define you. You define yourself. However far you go with your transition, it's a means to an end. The end being to express the core of yourself. The part which is, and always has been there. Your humanity, your sentience. The who. Hon, you have worth. You are neither repulsive, disgusting nor unloveable. You are you. And that is special.
First, A big warm welcome to the family! We are a part of you now and will do what we can to help you sort some of your feelings out. Second, understand one thing, we have all been in the very place you are now. We have almost the same story, feelings, questions and every other thought and emotion. Find a therapist for your immediate need and when you get settled down a little come to us and we will give you all of our knowledge, caring and compassion. This is a safe place where you can question, rant, vent or just find a shoulder to cry on. Know that all of the information you will get here comes from people actually undergoing the same thing you are. We have people questioning themselves and/or their sexuality, starting the transition process, undergoing HRT, Having voice and feminization surgeries and even those who have completed GRS. We can help you and give some guidance, so relax, you have found a very outstanding support family. Here is a BIG HUG ( :icon_hug:) to start you on your journey of self discovery! :)
It's perfectly alright to hate the situation, but never to hate yourself. So knock that off right now, please.
You are not worthless, disgusting, repulsive or unlovable. You just need a little help to realize that.
Absolutely nobody has a perfect body or life for that matter. Everybody has problems (hell, just look at all of those physically attractive and financially well-off Hollywood people that are still on average miserable despite all of what they do have and what most seem to, for whatever reason, envy of them. Just goes to prove those things aren't everything; do not guarantee happiness) and usually everybody dislikes SOMETHING about themselves or even their life. Some are just really good at concealing that from others.
Don't ever feel like "other people would be better off". No, they wouldn't. There is ultimately only one person you can ever genuinely make happy and that is, emphatically, yourself. You are valuable. You are totally unique (right down to your DNA and fingerprints) and somebody wanted you to exist. Somebody would be very hurt if you decided to do what you are erring on doing. Don't. We all have a purpose even if we often don't think we do. It just takes time to manifest.
Point is that it DOES get better. Will life ever be perfect? No. Not for anyone. But it CAN get better. That is a choice, though. We don't have a choice in this situation itself, however we can make the choices that will improve our quality of life, to make things better and to find some happiness or at the very least some peace in the end. No, this isn't as easily done as it is said. But it isn't impossible either. You have to be involved in that process or you'll never get there. You have to make the effort. Fight for it and you will get it. Don't and you will never know.
Nobody's opinion is worth somebody's life (in that, society at large can go **** itself frankly). Please don't give in to those pressures. Fight alongside us instead. We can overcome this. Many before us have and many after us will too.
Really, if you want to be humbled a bit... our situation today is nothing remotely like that of the time where there actually were no hormones or surgeries (not so long ago now)... where there really were no viable options to manage this at-all beyond just "grinning and bearing it" (or not...). Now we do have those options, rather opportunities. It already has gotten better for us all in that respect. But it does take your willingness to try and see if any or all of them will help you.
We really are our worst critics. You need to pummel that bully side of you into submission before it defeats the rest of you. Nobody else can do that but you. The fact that you are here is proof that you want to try. That's a great first step. Keep going and working at it. We'll help where we can.
Lots of people said this already, but I really do agree that you should find a therapist. Since I was 10, I struggled with severe dysphoria so much that I actually DID make a suicide attempt at age 13. After that, I got a counselor to talk to (there are no gender therapists in the area I live, so I had to settle for a regular counselor. But if it's an option for you, seek out a gender therapist). Believe me, if you talk to a professional, they can help you. You don't have to feel down on yourself, and eventually I learned to get out of that mindset and with my counselor's help I was finally able to accept myself. Just don't give up :) it gets better.
I would of course find a therapist but....
I personally started off with talking to my closest friend, someone I knew I could trust and knew would listen to what I had to say no matter what it was.
After coming out my suicidal thoughts and depression ended... I did have a pretty positive experience coming out though and everyone's experience is different.
Just my two cents.. I'd talk to a friend or family member you can trust and in the meantime find a therapist.
Thank you for your support everyone :) I am seeing an lgbt therapist at the moment which helps a bit but my dysphoria is getting worse by the day.
I didn't realise I was trans until two years ago but when the feelings started they hit me like a train.
I get the thing that I find the hardest while I am waiting for treatment is not only the dysphoria but the fear that I will never be at peace with who I am because surgery and hormones can't work miracles. I am very short, petite and my face is VERY feminine so I am not even hopeful that hormones and surgery will be able to overcome my dysphoria. I am also scared that nobody will never love me for who I am. I'm 26 and never had a close friendship or relationship in my life. It's only now that I'm in therapy I am realising my indifference about that is turning into fear that I will never find a woman who could be attracted to me as a very unconvincing looking man. I feel like I will always only ever be a joke to straight cis women and at the moment I am feeling so angry with the world that this is the only life I have and I've been unfortunate enough to be born in the wrong body :( Are these feelings normal to have?
The effects from HRT can feel like a miracle. It takes a bit of time for you to really notice even though those around you will notice quicker, especially the ones that only see you occasionally. Photos taken at intervals can help you to see the changes.
T doesn't work miracles, but it goes a long way to doing so. Look through photos of people "before and after" and you'll see what I mean. The changes are pretty amazing if you ask me. I completely understand worrying that nothing will ever be enough, I'm most bothered by the things that I know T won't change for me, the size of my hands, the bones of my hips, and my height, because I know the rest of it will one day, be fixed. But where I'll be in a few years time will be exponentially better than where it is now. T and surgery won't fix all my problems, it's not a miracle worker, but it'll make it all a lot easier to deal with. Focus on changing the things which can be changed, and learn to live with the things that can't.
As for having a partner, there are people out there who will want you. I can state that as a fact. It'll come easier the more comfortable you are with yourself, confidence helps a lot. I can't give first hand advice because my situation is different, I was with my missus before I came out as trans to her, but we've been together two years now, and she despite having had almost entirely female partners before she sees me as nothing but male now, even though I look like a twelve year old kid at best.
I'm older and just started HRT. I feel so much better, but I Know it not going to make into a goddess . It would be nice if it did, I've always thought of my self as a goddess . Every one on this planet is not perfect, there just come a point you just need to accept who you are and do the best you can. I'm very happy right now at the place I'm at , even though I could use a partner, life can be a bitch, but there's a lot of good things too.Humans come in such variety, there's always some one out there to hook up with.