Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello everyone I figured I would post my story here. Just a warning its gonna be a long one. And thank you all for the welcoming atmosphere here at Susans.

It started in New York, 1989 I was born a healthy baby boy. I was the 5th boy in a family of 7 with only one biological girl. When I started pre school and kindergarten my teachers reported to my parents that I was to emotional and spent to much time playing with the girls and not really getting along with the boys in class. So at this point my parents decided to take action and make me spend the summer at day camp and playing outside with my brothers. It sucked and made me pretty confused so I pretty much tried to imitate my brothers behavior.  So I started back in school and was told I was not allowed to play with the girls and that I was supposed to play with the boys. This made things very "odd" to say the least. So I started to make friends with the other boys but I wasnt really enjoying it at all. At one point my friend was at my house and I was playing with my sisters dolls and my dad found out and then I was grounded :( . He continued to reinforce that I was boy and not allowed to play with girls toys. So some time after that we were playing in the gym and to try and gain acceptance with the boys I mimicked my brothers and rough housed with them thinking it would make my dad happy. I ended up in mandatory therapy with the school councilor untill I moved to NC in 3rd grade. So now I lived in new area where people already didnt like me because I was from the north and I felt like they could tell I was different somehow. I would sit in class and just observe people and spent most of my days by myself. Around the time I got to middle school I noticed somthing in my family that changed my life. With my confusion and rapidly developing social anxiety I had become very overweight and depressed and I noticed that no one cared. No one wanted to hear my problems or what I was going through my problems were nothing but annoyances for them I was just making a big deal about nothing. I couldnt fit in with anybody at school and my just didnt give a crap about me anymore. So my self destructive lifestyle continued. At this time I had no idea what I was dealing with why I felt so diffrent why I would stare at girls with nothing but envy in my eyes why I had such strange dreams all I could think was what I was going through was wrong and my dad would be disappointed with me further. After realizing no body cared about my problems I just started to bottle everything up and became emotionally retarded it was just easier than dealing with the real problem. By the time I reached high school I ended up going to a different school then all the people from elem and middle school so I had a fresh start. I had gotten pretty good at blending in at this point and had gotten into the "hardcore" scene. I was able to keep my desires hidden from everybody but in efforts to fit in I would still date girls. I had hoped I would develop feelings and finally get over theese shameful thoughts but it never happened.  Part of me always felt bad about dating girls that had genuine feelings for me that I really just couldnt reciprocate I enjoyed there company and spending my time with them but I could never picture a future together. Anyways life went on I had a seemingly normal life with no one knowing what I was really feeling. I moved out after high school and got my own place and at this point my GID started to pick up momentum.  By the time I was 20 I started googleing my "intrests" and came across forced fem stuff and found some of the stories to be arousing so I thought maybe I am just a fetish weirdo. I found that this idea left just as fast as it came. I continued researching and instead of admitting that I am transgendered I read up on hormone imbalances and thought maybe if I jacked my testosterone through the roof it would fix things. So I started my journey into the bodybuilding world I quickly realized I had good genetics for building muscle. I got really into it and nutrition and supplements.  But no matter how big and strong I got and how much more the girls were into me I still couldnt get theese thoughts out of my head. So then after a few weeks of banging my head on the wall , screaming at the top of my lungs in utter confusion I finally took a long look in the mirror and asked "who are you?" and as much as I didnt want to say it out loud I finally broke down admitted it to myself. As hard as it has been I know its going to get alot harder but after admitting it myself it seems to be alot easier to handle and make sense of things :) .

I know I have a long way to go and alot to learn but I am very grateful to have and be a part of this community were I can be myself and meet other people who have been through this same process.

Hi, and welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way :) Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
  
• Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
  
• Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
  
• Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
  

Nice to see you here! You are very welcome

Hugs

Cindy

Jenelle - a very warm welcome to you.  Your story wasn't that long!   :D

Yeah, a lot of us did things to try and compensate for the feelings that things weren't quite right.  Many here will relate with what you wrote - I do.

You can be yourself here.  It is a safe place, an understanding place.

Jamie:
Thank you for the welcome, its nice to know there are people out there that can relate to me.

Yeah, we can.  I spent a couple of years in the south, and most of my southern in-laws are Baptists.

Yea the south isnt much fun but its slowly becoming more populated and a bit more with the times but after they approved prop 6 ( I think) permanently banning same sex marriages alot of the LGBT started to leave. :(

Thanks Gina :)

hi Jenella,
I was not from the south but raised on kodiak island with a retired marine father in an all female family, at a very young age i was sent to live with the shamen and his family so they could fix me, when that did not work so well i was enlisted in the service at 17 so they could fix me. I tried my best to accept my fate, however here i am very brief statement but as you can see you are not at all alone and here I have found that i have never been made of fun of no be-littled for expressing my feelings or asking help
welcome
Jerri

Thanks Jerri
Its nice to hear from other people I am sorry you had to go through all of that. I too thought of enlisting to try to fix myself. Who knows maybe I am not broken :P

Quote from: Jenelle327 on January 27, 2014, 04:59:20 PM
Thanks Jerri
Its nice to hear from other people I am sorry you had to go through all of that. I too thought of enlisting to try to fix myself. Who knows maybe I am not broken :P

Jenelle, you are not broken. You are finding yourself. This is a good thing to do before you get married and have a family. You have come to a good place, people here can help you with your journey. You are among friends here who have no agenda, other than to offer you assistance, comfort, understanding and compassion.  :-*

Thank you Elli ::)

A big warm welcome to the family Jenelle! I am so glad you found us and feel safe enough to join and give your story. This is a safe place to learn, make new friends, find out you are not alone and have some fun along the way. A word of warning though, this family can be a little addictive and you may find you spend a large amount of time here. ;D Here is a BIG HUG ( :icon_hug:) to start your journey off right! :)

hi Jenelle,
trust me none of those things worked out for me, it did delay the results and created a whole other set of problems with my family once i was no longer able to control my mental developement and found my only option was to give up living or come out. as you can see my choice is to live and live fully as me. I had a very challenging time excepting what was happening and it took some major problems in my life to get me start therapy and begin my process. after a couple years sorting out what a mess I had made I began to move forward. my only regret is not knowing what how or when back in the 70's, I wish you the very best as you make your decisions it is a process that we all have to do, and of course then face the repercussions of those choices. way it all out and move the direction that you are comfortable with and seek out as much help as you need to find that place, we all will be here to help any way any time as you find your self.
again welcome home
Jerri

nothing to be sorry for Janelle,
all those things have made me who I am today
a strong, confident, proud, secure, caring, concerned woman
scared half the time (gigles) as i find a new bridges to cross
and host of every other emotion known

Thanks Jerri

Welcome! Where in NC did you live?

Thanks Sona I live in the southern piedmont area

Hi Jenelle,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

You have a strong constitution to get through what you've been through. I hope you'll find the peace and direction to keep moving forward.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

Thanks Catherine