Let me introduce myself with some background: I consider myself to be intelligent (Yale, Duke, U. of Virginia), affectionate, romantic, honest, humorous, sentimental, open-minded, and loyal. I am a good listener who puts a premium on open communication, and can hold my own in a stimulating conversation. I would hope that others who know me well would describe me similarly, but after all we humans are very good at deluding ourselves about how we really are. (Hopefully our real true friends will set us straight and keep us honest about ourselves.) I am told that I am kind, extremely considerate, and I have a very good sense of humor. I am a Ph.D. research engineer and have worked in government research labs (2 patents so far and many scientific publications), as well as an engineering professor before that. I am a very "cuddle", affectionate type person and it would be wonderful to eventually meet someone for a long term relationship here if that happens, but for now I will just see how things develop, make friends, and learn from you here as well. In that regard, I think that friendship, trust, communication, affection, kindness, loyalty, and honesty are the foundations of any long term relationship anyway. Multiple past betrayals have emphasized to me how painful a committed relationship can be in their absence, but I have moved on (separated from a GG) and I am looking forward now. I am originally from VA, but I have lived (USA) in NC, WA, MS, CA, CT, and currently MD. I have visited Mexico, Austria, and Hungary. At any rate I hope that I can become a positive asset to this site in your eyes.
Why am I here? I became frustrated with my search for GG on sites for that purpose: older women wanting younger men, younger women thinking I am too old, those wanting sugardaddys or having hidden agendas, lying, insincerity, dropped correspondences, etc. I tried to open my mind up and began looking at TS/TG profiles (on sites that did not emphasize just sex). I have to admit the idea came to me from some of the positive examples of (beautiful) TS/TG women I have seen in the media (visual gets the male attention initially I have to admit, right or wrong, but personality keeps it). I strive to be honest and open. In particular, as I looked at profiles on sites, TS/TG women seemed to be so sweet, sincere, loving, take pride in their femininity, and (yes, again, I am a straight male) gorgeous. They also seem to be very cautious from having been treated very badly in the past, which put an albatross around my neck in trying to convince them of my sincerity. Please help me to gain your trust and respect eventually, in time. At any rate, I had decided to educate myself more and had concluded that there was no reason to exclude a whole class of women just because their genitals did not match their internal nature. I am NOT looking for a fetish, fantasy, etc. as I am totally STRAIGHT, NOT bi, NOT bi-curious, NOT ts curious, and I will NEVER be bottom. For THOSE reasons, physically my ideal would be post-op and passable (NOT for what OTHERS think), BUT I am totally open to other TS women as well, transitioning is OK for example. I am NOT afraid to be in public with you if you behave like a lady (as I am sure you would). Oh, and I am NOT interested in your "member" if you have one. I hope I have not been offensive. I am new to this and still learning, so educate me.
Finally, I realize that this site is not here just for meeting each other, so I view this as a learning experience and if I can contribute in some way then feel free to ask me. Correct me or educate me if I go astray :) Some of the posts I have read already are very enlightening. It is so nice to meet all of you wonderful women.
sincerely,
Dan
Hi Dan, and welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way :) Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
One place we are not is a dating site in anyway or means. We are a support site for people with gender dysphoria and their SO.
With that in mind please feel free to join us.
Cindy
Hi Cindy,
Thank you so much for your feedback. I feel I have much to learn and I thought that I could learn here and maybe I could even contribute in some positive way. I would never want to be anything other than supportive to all who are here. If any of those here ever want the feedback of a straight male for example, if that could ever be helpful to anyone at any time, then I would be glad to be such help. If I could be supportive in any other way I would be glad to do so as well. I hope that my intro post was in no way offensive to you or anyone here, as it was posted with the utmost respect intended. I will always try to be sensitive to others feelings here. In fact, it is that very sensitivity I hope to develop to a greater degree in myself by being here. Such sensitivity is something I would hope that this site, and others, could help to cultivate in our society in general, and the best way for this to happen is if those who are not TS/TG themselves can learn of the things that TS/TG women face in their journey, and their feelings about it.
If my presence here would be considered intrusive, I would not want that and would willingly leave. Just let me know.
sincerely yours,
Dan
Hi Dan and welcome to Susan's.
When I first started reading your post, I was not so sure of your reasons for being here. After finishing it and thinking a sec, I understand and hope you find us as friendly as you seem to be. Allies are always welcome. I don't necessarily mean the activist kind, but just accepting and by doing so pass on that acceptance.
Hi Dan. Welcome to the forum.
I didn't find your post offensive or anything. I think it'd be nice to have a little more diversity here as I am more used to more mainstream forums where there is a bigger mix of people that is more in line with the diversity you would find out somewhere that wasn't particularly suited to one group. I'm a little curious as to how you will be received by some here, but that's just how I am, I like to watch how people react to things.
Anyway, welcome and I hope you stay awhile.
Hi LordKAT and Big Head Horsey-Face,
Thank you both for your kind and thoughtful replies. I found the women here to be friendly even before I joined LordKAT, and I will go so far as to say I wish our society in general were as sweet, caring, supportive, and friendly as the community here at this site seem to be.
I am not an acitivist in general, but society changes by winning over the average person. The average person is probably oblivious to TG/TS issues and may even have stereotyped views in that regard. If more of those who are not going through the struggles that those on this site face were to experience it indirectly, such as by reading posts here, then we can indeed gradually change society. We can each only be self reflective, so as to change ourselves from within, if we can see the pain of others in their struggle due to our inaction or our outright persecution. The civil rights movement comes to mind. This is one reason why you may want some diversity here. On the other hand, this must be a protected environment for those who are in pain or struggling here. It is, after all, supposed to be a safe haven for them. I can understand that for sure.
By the way Big Head Horsey-Face, how in the WORLD did you come up with that user names? LOL. It certainly cannot be referring to you (you are pretty if I may say so without being too forward). Not trying to pry if it is a long story.
best regards,
Dan
Dan
Quote from: str8softhearted4ltr on January 27, 2014, 03:48:06 AM
By the way Big Head Horsey-Face, how in the WORLD did you come up with that user names? LOL. It certainly cannot be referring to you (you are pretty if I may say so without being too forward). Not trying to pry if it is a long story.
Some people have in the past posted stuff about late transitioners having bigger than average heads for women and longer faces, so I'm kind of mocking it. Plus I think the name just flows well and makes people wonder. And lastly, I've had long term insecurity issues and still don't think much of myself overall and so I tend to use names to help myself get past that. It may not make much sense to a sane person, but it does to me, lol.
And for all anyone here knows, the avatar may not even be me.
Quote from: big head horsey-face on January 27, 2014, 04:51:33 PM
...
And for all anyone here knows, the avatar may not even be me.
"Well", remarked Ellie, her tongue firmly lodged in her cheek, "my avater, that's what I reeeely look like :) (in my dreams)"
Dan, welcome to Susan's. You will find this site visited by a lot of very open minded people, a wide range of ideas expressed and no shortage of intellectual stimulation. I know you will gain insight into our journeys, you will grow here. :)
Well Big Head Horsey-Face, that is a cute story and makes sense, but kind of sad. I hope that I can encourage women here not to feel that way about themselves, especially you. I like you already so no reason to feel insecure at least when talking to me.
Regarding your avatar:
1) If it is really you, then you are very nice looking
2) If it is not really you, then you are nice looking on the inside (as best I can tell so far), and for me that always makes me see someone as better looking physically as well, once I do see them (or if I see them)...besides, imagination (not knowing) can really make someone intriguing! By the way, I really appreciate you having reached out to me by your messages to make me feel welcome.
If this comes across as flirting a little, I confess there is that component to it, but I hope it is not construed the wrong way.....the testosterone made me do it :) .....my attempt at humor.
P.S. How do you attach quotes from other people's messages on here? tags? what are tags for?
That was cute Ellie, made me smile....Dreams come true!! I bet you are more attractive than you might think. :)
I think when I am able to post an Avatar that I will simply post a real pic of myself...people here do not seem to judge, as best as I can tell
Thank you for making me feel welcome as well. From what I can tell so far, including reading other threads, I have no doubt as to what you said regarding open mindedness, intellectual stimulation, etc.
I forgot to thank you as well, LordKAT, for making me feel welcome.
Quote from: str8softhearted4ltr on January 27, 2014, 07:29:00 PM
Well Big Head Horsey-Face, that is a cute story and makes sense, but kind of sad. I hope that I can encourage women here not to feel that way about themselves, especially you. I like you already so no reason to feel insecure at least when talking to me.
Regarding your avatar:
1) If it is really you, then you are very nice looking
2) If it is not really you, then you are nice looking on the inside (as best I can tell so far), and for me that always makes me see someone as better looking physically as well, once I do see them (or if I see them)...besides, imagination (not knowing) can really make someone intriguing! By the way, I really appreciate you having reached out to me by your messages to make me feel welcome.
If this comes across as flirting a little, I confess there is that component to it, but I hope it is not construed the wrong way.....the testosterone made me do it :) .....my attempt at humor.
P.S. How do you attach quotes from other people's messages on here? tags? what are tags for?
Well, it actually is me in the pic, albeit a flattering one compared to others I've taken, so thank you for the compliments.
And to quote, you can use the quote link that is at the top right of people's posts to reply to specific posts with that person being quoted.
Edit: By the way, my name is Jaime. :)
Quote from: big head horsey-face on January 27, 2014, 07:58:37 PM
Well, it actually is me in the pic, albeit a flattering one compared to others I've taken, so thank you for the compliments.
And to quote, you can use the quote link that is at the top right of people's posts to reply to specific posts with that person being quoted.
Edit: By the way, my name is Jaime. :)
You are quite welcome Jaime, it is very nice to meet you. The compliments were sincere. You could turn some heads walking by, so do not feel insecure at least in that regard. I look forward to more conversations.
Thank you for helping me better figure out forum posting. I have usually just read and absorbed in the past.
A big warm welcome to you Dan! I for one am so glad to see that "Learning" was one of the reasons you joined us. I personally welcome anyone who is open minded enough to find out about a topic before deciding it's right or wrongness. There is so much media negativity concerning the "T" part of GLBT that it is nice to have someone learning instead of perpetrating false information. I believe with your "A" list education experience we will learn as much from you as you do from us. Here is a BIG HUG ( :icon_hug:) to welcome you to our family! :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 27, 2014, 09:03:28 PM
A big warm welcome to you Dan! I for one am so glad to see that "Learning" was one of the reasons you joined us. I personally welcome anyone who is open minded enough to find out about a topic before deciding it's right or wrongness. There is so much media negativity concerning the "T" part of GLBT that it is nice to have someone learning instead of perpetrating false information. I believe with your "A" list education experience we will learn as much from you as you do from us. Here is a BIG HUG ( :icon_hug:) to welcome you to our family! :)
Hi Jessica,
It is so nice to meet you and I thank you for your warm welcome. I loved the hug, so sweet of you! I do not think that the general public realizes what a warm, intelligent, caring, compassionate, humorous, etc. group of people this community is. (One reason I find myself so attracted to all of you, nerds included.) If they could only read some of the threads here and put aside any preconceived notions they may have gotten from the media, they would realize that these are REAL women (or men if you are transitioning the other way) who want to experience love and friendship, just like all of us. It is just nature played a cruel trick on them with the wrong genitals and hormones, so they feel the need and compulsion to take a journey for society to accept them for who they are. My heart goes out to all of you. I think you work harder at being feminine than many GG women in my opinion. They take it for granted. If I can be of any use to anyone here regarding advice, "A" list education experience included, just ask. I realize that I could never "know how you feel", so I will try to refrain from ever saying that.
This might be a good time to divulge that I have my own issues I am dealing with, but not ones that are relevant to this site. I had been in a 30+ year marriage (with 4 daughters, two out of the nest - one married and one engaged, and twins in college now, expensive), that ended after many years of emotional abuse from her and after finally discovering 10+ years of cheating history (with multiple guys), complete with x-rated pictures she sent to them (found hidden copies she kept, taken in a strange house), stockroom sex encounters where she worked, email histories discovered, etc. I was also cruelly made fun of behind my back on forums she was on, where she stated the she was "married but available". VERY painful discoveries. It sent me into a deep depression that affected my health and ability to concentrate on my scientific and engineering research. I am on meds for the depression, which never went away even after I gradually got over the betrayal and am trying to move on with my life. My life centered on my family, and outside of work I loved being with my daughters and still do (when they visit). I really miss them. When they were little we used to hide under the covers and pretend that monsters were coming to get us, and I would put each on my head and ask the others if they liked my new hat, hearing the giggles. I did not hang our after work but went home to be with my family. It was a hard loss to swallow. I thought I should let you know that I have experienced deep pain, just not the same pain that those of you here have experienced regarding your transition.
with warm regards,
Dan
So sorry to hear that Dan,
So many of us both men and women and and all the colours between have been abused that we can sympathise totally.
It is also why we are a little careful and withdrawn with people who may not understand us. It is often said that the only people who understand what it is to be transgender is another transgender. But it is also true that all of us who have been abused understand what other abused people suffer.
Hugs
Cindy
Quote from: Cindy on January 28, 2014, 01:01:29 AM
So sorry to hear that Dan,
So many of us both men and women and and all the colours between have been abused that we can sympathise totally.
It is also why we are a little careful and withdrawn with people who may not understand us. It is often said that the only people who understand what it is to be transgender is another transgender. But it is also true that all of us who have been abused understand what other abused people suffer.
Hugs
Cindy
Thank you so much Cindy, it is sweet and kind for you to say so.
I can understand the caution that many transgenders have considering their experiences in our society and the abuse and insincerity they have encountered. I hate to hurt anyone's feelings, and I cannot understand those who are not bothered by doing so to others, or even like doing so. Being alone now, I can also relate to the loneliness that many TS/TG women experience (with many men being close minded about them or only curious) as well as the abuse they have likely experienced. My personal exerience on a TS dating site (year or so ago?, a serious site, NOT sexually oriented) was that it was hard to get a TS woman to set aside her understandable skepticism and trust that I was genuinely interested in HER (not her genitals, etc.). I felt that maybe I needed to understand the TS woman better than I did at the time. Now that I am more sensitized (than I was years ago), I have noticed slurs against the TG community in our society, even by GG WOMEN, which surprised me. In fact, I think that the general population is not even aware of the difference between gay, TS, TV, CD, drag queen or king, etc. and tend to lump them all together in a stereotypical way. I have encountered this first hand numerous times and had to explain that there is a clear difference between them and what those differences were. A not uncommon reaction of those I explained this to was "why do you know so much about it and why are you interested in that anyway - are you gay or bi?". This included my ex!...well ex-to-be actually since we are still separated (lawyers are so expensive, especially with two in college). She even warned me that "many on those internet dating sites are actually women posing as men, so do not be naive and watch out", laughing at the prospect of me being "fooled" as I started looking/dating again. You probably do not want to know what else she said beyond that. Personally for me, the TS community of women are worth knowing both as a group and individually - as a friend and/or as a potential wife/longterm-partner. This does not make me gay, just the opposite in fact. They are women after all. (Preaching to the choir here, sorry, getting verbose.)
By the way, I have discovered that apparently the term cisgendered male may be preferred to "straight". Is this true? If so, my use of the term straight in describing myself was not meant to offend. It is the only term I had ever known to describe myself gender-wise.
Hugs back to you,
Dan
Well as far as sexuality is concerned it has nothing to do with gender. Both cismales and ciswomen can be straight, bi, homosexual or asexual. So are transgender.
I'm a straight female, I'm attracted to straight men. I have Gay male friends who I love but I'm not sexually attracted to them, nor they to me, after all I'm female. I have a close friend who is also a transgender female who is a lesbian, she is attracted to women. Gender has nothing to do with sexuality.
There are Gay cis men and lesbian cis women, it means nothing, they are perfectly normal humans. So am I, I was born with a birth defect; the wrong genitals, some people are born with a cleft lip, others with other 'defects' a gammy leg, whatever! They are all normal human beings.
Some people have different skin colour to me, they have different religions to me, I don't have any religion - we are all human. It makes no difference.
I'm nothing special. I'm just another woman, like half the population of the world.
Thank you for the education Cindy. I will be sure to clearly distinguish between sexuality and gender from now on as two distinct attributes that are not correlated necessarily at all. Based upon what you have said, I am a straight male and never had any doubts about it.
Please do not think that I ever considered you as anything other than a normal human being. If I ever gave you or anyone here that impression then I profusely apologize. I agree with you about the birth defect, and I thought my earlier posts made that clear, your genitals being the defect in this case.
Not only do I consider you and the other TG individuals here to be just as normal as I am (although my ex might dispute my "normalcy"), but as proof I have to confess to having to deliberately supress expressing my attraction to, and desire to flirt with (tastefully), straight women here (who happen to be TS as you said). I do not want anyone here to question my stated intentions of trying to learn more while here, make friends, and help where I can, however. I can tell this is a loving, supportive environment.
Not a problem Dan.
For many this is the only place they have ever been loved; they are family here.
And we protect them. :-*
OMG you are so sweet. The women here are so sweet. I am so glad that those who need it have such a safe haven where they are loved. I think if straight men really knew how sweet and caring TS women really are (and intelligent and humorous too as I found) they would be their first choice (over GG). Now if I only knew who among you are single.....just kidding (well...maybe). OMG...I am gushing aren't I? Regaining my composure... :-* back
I hope my enthusiasm and humor in my previous post did not cross any bounds. If so I did not mean any offense.
Quote from: str8softhearted4ltr on January 28, 2014, 04:05:59 AM
I hope my enthusiasm and humor in my previous post did not cross any bounds. If so I did not mean any offense.
Hello Dan. I don't believe your last post was offensive. I got a little laugh out of it. Also I am sorry to hear about you and your wife. That is so awful she would cheat on you. For a family centered individual like yourself I can only imagine how much that hurt you. If it's any consolation you sound like a loving father to your daughter. It's always nice to meet new people, especially ones that are open minded. Sorry for the late welcome. Hopefully you find your time hear enjoyable.
Quote from: Hayley on January 28, 2014, 05:37:22 AM
Hello Dan. I don't believe your last post was offensive. I got a little laugh out of it. Also I am sorry to hear about you and your wife. That is so awful she would cheat on you. For a family centered individual like yourself I can only imagine how much that hurt you. If it's any consolation you sound like a loving father to your daughter. It's always nice to meet new people, especially ones that are open minded. Sorry for the late welcome. Hopefully you find your time hear enjoyable.
Thank you for the welcome Hayley. It is a relief to me to read your post. I realize that this forum is a safe haven for the TG community, for counseling, comfort, etc. as its primary mission, first and foremost, and that the learning that visitors like me experience who are not TG is only a secondary benefit of this forum. I would not want to jeapardize or intrude on that primary mission unintentionally, so after my post I thought, in hindsight, it could be interpreted or construed in an unintended way (hence my concern in the post that followed it). I truly wish the best for those on this site.
I also appreciate your compassion and comfort concerning the struggles I faced during my marriage and the circumstances leading to its breakup. You and the others who have welcomed me here exemplify what I have sensed about the TG community, both on this site and elsewhere in my recent past; a kind, understanding, nurturing, sweet, intelligent, (should I go on with the superlatives?) collection of people who also demonstrate a nice sense of humor :) The solace that you and others extended to me concerning my own problems reinforces this in my mind.
I hope that you are fulfilling your dreams for you life. Hugs,
Dan
Wow, Susan is right in the announcements section of the forum when she says that the transition to "newbie" occurs soon enough, more quickly than one realizes, so one should be patient. I did not realize I had so many posts already. After looking around some on the forum, I noticed that there is a science section I now have access to......yessssss. You will definitely see me post some there in the future. Now that I can do so, I thought that I would upload a picture I had taken of myself last spring (2013) as my avatar. I wish everyone a wonderful day.
Mmm cute, nice mo.
Nice eyes.
Quote from: Cindy on January 29, 2014, 03:28:17 AM
Mmm cute, nice mo.
Nice eyes.
Thank you for the compliments (blushing a little).....I find you to be very attractive yourself. Makes me want to visit Australia :-* I noticed we are very close in age.
Quote from: str8softhearted4ltr on January 29, 2014, 03:47:40 AM
Thank you for the compliments (blushing a little).....I find you to be very attractive yourself. Makes me want to visit Australia :-* I noticed we are very close in age.
Thank you! I have a rather gorgeous boyfriend who may express an opinion :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Quote from: Cindy on January 29, 2014, 03:52:57 AM
Thank you! I have a rather gorgeous boyfriend who may express an opinion :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
My loss, lucky guy your boyfriend.....Oh well, hope there is someone out there for me. You are sweet to compliment me.
Quote from: str8softhearted4ltr on January 28, 2014, 05:37:13 PM
Thank you for the welcome Hayley. It is a relief to me to read your post. I realize that this forum is a safe haven for the TG community, for counseling, comfort, etc. as its primary mission, first and foremost, and that the learning that visitors like me experience who are not TG is only a secondary benefit of this forum. I would not want to jeapardize or intrude on that primary mission unintentionally, so after my post I thought, in hindsight, it could be interpreted or construed in an unintended way (hence my concern in the post that followed it). I truly wish the best for those on this site.
I also appreciate your compassion and comfort concerning the struggles I faced during my marriage and the circumstances leading to its breakup. You and the others who have welcomed me here exemplify what I have sensed about the TG community, both on this site and elsewhere in my recent past; a kind, understanding, nurturing, sweet, intelligent, (should I go on with the superlatives?) collection of people who also demonstrate a nice sense of humor :) The solace that you and others extended to me concerning my own problems reinforces this in my mind.
I hope that you are fulfilling your dreams for you life. Hugs,
Dan
Dan:
Welcome to Susan's!
For many this is the only place of solace that they have. Transition is fraught with much emotional turmoil. Most marriages, about 90%, dissolve as a result. Family and friends turn away. We face loss of jobs and careers. This is a terrifying time for us. Additionally we go on an emotional roller coaster as our bodies change from our cross hormone therapies. We can feel very lonely.
To find a place where others are going through the same experience can be very uplifting.
And to find someone as yourself who comes here with such an open mind is so encouraging. I see that you have been through the emotional ringer too. And I am so sorry for your pain. You seem like such a loving and light hearted man. You didn't deserve the pain. I hope that this doesn't sour your heart.
Know that we are here for you too. Feel free to come here. We all have poured our hearts out to our brothers and sisters and always found a shoulder to cry on. And we share our joys as well.
You are not alone.
And cute too!
-Sandy
Quote from: Sandy on January 29, 2014, 05:50:56 AM
Dan:
Welcome to Susan's!
For many this is the only place of solace that they have. Transition is fraught with much emotional turmoil. Most marriages, about 90%, dissolve as a result. Family and friends turn away. We face loss of jobs and careers. This is a terrifying time for us. Additionally we go on an emotional roller coaster as our bodies change from our cross hormone therapies. We can feel very lonely.
To find a place where others are going through the same experience can be very uplifting.
And to find someone as yourself who comes here with such an open mind is so encouraging. I see that you have been through the emotional ringer too. And I am so sorry for your pain. You seem like such a loving and light hearted man. You didn't deserve the pain. I hope that this doesn't sour your heart.
Know that we are here for you too. Feel free to come here. We all have poured our hearts out to our brothers and sisters and always found a shoulder to cry on. And we share our joys as well.
You are not alone.
And cute too!
-Sandy
Hi Sandy, nice to meet you. Thank you for the compliment, encouragement, sympathy, and enlightenment. I do not think that my past has soured my heart, and I hope to learn a lot here and meet friends. Your words are very kind. Being newly married (your avatar), it looks like things are going well for you.
best wishes,
Dan
Dan,
I have estimated, from your issues revealed, that we are probably close in age. I have to say that reading about your situation with your wife broke my heart. I am so sorry you were made to endure that pain. I am assuming that you still have a good relationship with your children, hoping that to be the case, that will, I'm sure, help carry you through this.
Dan, life is pain, and as Schopenhauer said, "Suffering by nature or chance never seems so painful as suffering inflicted on us by the arbitrary will of another." I'm hoping you have moved past your wife. Focus on yourself and your girls. Work on healing yourself, try to move away from the meds. You know you have our support here, although most of us can only offer you a virtual hug. :icon_hug: You may very well meet your bashert through your encounters here, at the very least, you will find understanding and acceptance.
Re-reading the thread, I have to say I have no doubts about your sincerety and good intentions, and I get the feeling that our other companions here feel the same way.
Oh yeah, and Cindy... God (or something) bless you.
Dan,
Allow me to be blunt. Others will couch there words; I will not. If you are here legitimately to learn more about our transgender sisters and brothers I can accept and encourage that. If you are here to potentially attract a mate; please go elsewhere.
Speaking only for myself, (but not an uncommon reaction,) I am a woman through and through. I will have the same motivations, faults, strengths and aspirations as any woman. I will fight tooth and nail to attain all of them. I don't need recognazince or affirmation of gender, passability, or aesthetic appeal. I do not welcome comments to such or to any flirtatious behaviour; that is not why I come to this site.
As you have been welcomed by moderation staff and long term members, I bid a cautious welcome as well. I am a fairly new member as well having joined only last year so I must defer to their wisdom. But know that should I feel uncomfortable posting personal anecdotes, pictures, etc. I would remove myself from the site and find safe spaces elsewhere.
Quote from: EllieM on January 30, 2014, 02:01:15 PM
Dan,
I have estimated, from your issues revealed, that we are probably close in age. I have to say that reading about your situation with your wife broke my heart. I am so sorry you were made to endure that pain. I am assuming that you still have a good relationship with your children, hoping that to be the case, that will, I'm sure, help carry you through this.
Dan, life is pain, and as Schopenhauer said, "Suffering by nature or chance never seems so painful as suffering inflicted on us by the arbitrary will of another." I'm hoping you have moved past your wife. Focus on yourself and your girls. Work on healing yourself, try to move away from the meds. You know you have our support here, although most of us can only offer you a virtual hug. :icon_hug: You may very well meet your bashert through your encounters here, at the very least, you will find understanding and acceptance.
Re-reading the thread, I have to say I have no doubts about your sincerety and good intentions, and I get the feeling that our other companions here feel the same way.
Oh yeah, and Cindy... God (or something) bless you.
Ellie,
You do not know how much I appreciate and needed your kind words. I am feeling especially low right now. I do have a close relationship with my daughters, especially with the older two being estranged from their mother, although the next oldest living in LA did reconcile with her to some extent recently. I was essentially mom and dad to her (soccer mom, etc.) growing up, and she calls me for advice, consoling, etc. instead of her mom. The oldest had to go to therapy due to her issues with her mom, and was suicidal at one point. Yes, in many ways my daughters are my life.
I concur on your comment on Cindy.
Hugs, even though they are only virtual
Dan
Quote from: oh hai! on January 30, 2014, 03:44:50 PM
Dan,
Allow me to be blunt. Others will couch there words; I will not. If you are here legitimately to learn more about our transgender sisters and brothers I can accept and encourage that. If you are here to potentially attract a mate; please go elsewhere.
Speaking only for myself, (but not an uncommon reaction,) I am a woman through and through. I will have the same motivations, faults, strengths and aspirations as any woman. I will fight tooth and nail to attain all of them. I don't need recognazince or affirmation of gender, passability, or aesthetic appeal. I do not welcome comments to such or to any flirtatious behaviour; that is not why I come to this site.
As you have been welcomed by moderation staff and long term members, I bid a cautious welcome as well. I am a fairly new member as well having joined only last year so I must defer to their wisdom. But know that should I feel uncomfortable posting personal anecdotes, pictures, etc. I would remove myself from the site and find safe spaces elsewhere.
Wow....I apologize that my presence makes you so uncomfortable. If there are many here who share your opinion and who are just being too polite to say so, I will leave without incident. I have no intention of being an intruder here if I am perceived to be so. I must admit I felt hurt to read your post, but I can understand your feelings, especially since you have at least pointed out those things that bothered you. I appreciate you being specific enough that I can understand where you are coming from in your opinion. I feel an obligation to address what you say so that anyone here can judge for themselves concerning my intentions.
I have stated here my respect for the primary intent of this site as a safe haven and source of advice and comfort for the TG community. I will gladly leave if my presence is thought to infringe on this in any way, with no hard feelings. I was on a TS dating site a year or more ago in search of a ltr, but began to sense that I might benefit quite a bit from learning even more about the community and their issues. I did have more of the TS MTF community in mind concerning such leaning I will admit, but I am open to being more aware of the broader TG community's issues as well. I will also admit to being very lonely, hurt by my recent past, and desiring companionship, friendship being good, but hopeful for more (long term relationship) some day if I can find it. I believe that many here share these very same desires, but I recognize that dating is not why they are here. My initial posting on this thread was essentially an editing of the one I used on the TS dating site, to give me a starting point. I removed the things about what I was looking for in a partner and similar things that I felt were inappropriate for this site. Perhaps it was a mistake to start that way, but it was a convenient summary about myself which I had already written. Did I participate in a little flirting? Yes, but I tried to be humorous and tasteful, brief, and stayed well away from any boundaries, at least I thought I did so. If any such posts were offensive to anyone, then I do apologize to all. My perception was that, in those cases were my flirting occured, the fliting would not be offensive to, or unwelcome by, the recipient. I will conform to whatever the mods here tell me, including leaving, if that is deemed best for the site.
It is true, in hindsight after re-reading some of my posts, that I have praised this community a lot regarding my perceptions of how charming and caring the TG community here is. I can see how this can be construed as being insincere due to being repetitive about it, but it was sincere and I meant my words. I think that the TG community gets so much abuse from the non-TG community that I guess I thought that it would be nice for those here to experience the opposite from someone from the non-TG community for a change. Perhaps that can be encouraging if it is perceived as sincere. Perhaps you felt that I was doing so with the hidden agenda of attracting someone to me. I can understand that, but I have a lot of respect for the intelligence of those here. If I were motivated in that way then I would have realized that many here would see through such an agenda. It is this very charm, warmth, intelligence, and understanding that attracted me to go try TS dating in the past in fact, as evidence of my sincerity in my view of TG people. I was also trying GG dating sites as well at the time, so I do not have a TS fetish or curiosity, I was being open minded.
I respect the womanhood of those here, for those who view themselves as females, and also the difficult journey many of them face. I never questioned it, and did not ever think that the women here needed my recognition, affirmation, or encouragement in that regard. If I expressed the opinion that any individual was attractive here, it was sincere. I think that anyone likes to hear that about themselves if it is sincere. I do not think I was alone in doing this here, and I do think it could be a positive thing as long as it is not taken too far.
If I am ever offensive to anyone here just tell me, but please be specific so that I can correct my behavior, as I appreciate that oh hai! did so. I will excuse myself now and leave.
sincerely to all,
Dan
Quote from: str8softhearted4ltr on January 30, 2014, 07:48:19 PM
If I am ever offensive to anyone here just tell me, but please be specific so that I can correct my behavior, as I appreciate that oh hai! did so. I will excuse myself now and leave.
sincerely to all,
Dan
No need to leave Dan. You are welcome as long as you are respectful and mindful that this is not dating site - which you were in your explanation. Some of the women here are leery because trans women are often treated as fetish objects. It's great that you are here to learn about our community. Welcome to the site!
Hi Dan. I feel you have been clear, concise and accurate in putting forth education as the main reason you are with us. I for one believe you have been respectful and mindful of our feelings and encourage you to stick around with us. You are showing that you have the capacity to retain the correct terminologies and own up to little slips. Trust me, our moderators will let you know when things get dicey at times. They are a great bunch and are our little Rottweiler's on patrol for trolls. I welcome anyone here with the will to learn and maybe help us a little in the public arena when the uneducated spout off. :)
Quote from: FA on January 30, 2014, 07:58:27 PM
No need to leave Dan. You are welcome as long as you are respectful and mindful that this is not dating site - which you were in your explanation. Some of the women here are leery because trans women are often treated as fetish objects. It's great that you are here to learn about our community. Welcome to the site!
Dear FA,
Thank you, and I understand about TS women being leery. It was this very issue, when I was on the TS dating site, that prompted me to consider that I should learn more than I knew at the time about TS MTF women. I was not sure if I had the right, and/or adequate, sensitivities to what might trigger such distrust, out of my ignorance, and if could not gain some degree of trust then it would be difficult to get to know each other sufficiently to determine relationship potential, or even friendship for that matter. I found this issue to be a enough of a barrier, on average, to significantly impede getting to know TS women better when I tried to have correspondence on the TS site, to varying degrees. Many even conveyed such skepticism up front on their profile narratives after they had had experience with men on the TS site. (I am excluding profiles of a strong sexual nature, or those conveying sugar daddy or escort overtones, in my comments obviously. I ignored such profiles.) Some even stated that they would be leaving the dating site soon because of this issue, lamenting that there were no sincere men out there. I am sure this all rings true to your ears. Apparently many men DO think of TS women as a fetish or as an object in some similar fashion (a surprise to me of its extent). In fact, I was surprised to learn, from my correspondence there, that some men who are interested in pre-op MTF lose that interest once (or if) they become post-op MTF, which can only lead one to conclude that they were more interested in the genitalia than the woman herself. I would have NEVER have guessed that before learning of it. This presents a real difficulty, and catch-22 to some extent, for TS MTF women with regard to dating: if they drop their guard and trust up front they could get burned, but if they convey a strong distrust and skepticism up front, in turn, it can put off those who have a sincere interest in them but become discouraged and give up. This up-front-trust issue is true for dating in general to some extent, but I think that it is particularly acute in the TS dating community. Another reason for learning more about TG issues was that those of us with a more open mind in the non-TG community, in order to help end the persecution, should become sufficiently informed, including the terminology. Battling ignorance requires knowing the actual facts. It really bothers me to learn of the higher suicide rate of TG people for example, because of the despair of the lack of acceptance of who they are, or related issues. My oldest daughter had suicidal thoughts at one time, and it would have killed me if she had carried through with it. If you truly accept that TS women are mentally women in every way, then one is FORCED to conclude that they are indeed born with a hormonal/genitalia birth defect. I learned on this forum, for example, that there is research to support that TS MTF women have essentially the same brain scan patterns as GG women when it comes to their sexual responses. (I am summarizing greatly, but that is the gist.) I doubt if this is commonn knowledge outside of this community.
I truly wish, and hope, for the best of everyone here. I should really thank oh hai! for bringing this to my attention as it is better to do so than let if fester if many feel that about my presence, with me being unaware of it. I am not sure if it was a good idea now, in hindsight, to have joined here, but I am not going to do anything rash for the moment.
Sincerely yours,
Dan
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on January 30, 2014, 08:17:26 PM
Hi Dan. I feel you have been clear, concise and accurate in putting forth education as the main reason you are with us. I for one believe you have been respectful and mindful of our feelings and encourage you to stick around with us. You are showing that you have the capacity to retain the correct terminologies and own up to little slips. Trust me, our moderators will let you know when things get dicey at times. They are a great bunch and are our little Rottweiler's on patrol for trolls. I welcome anyone here with the will to learn and maybe help us a little in the public arena when the uneducated spout off. :)
Thank you Jessica, for your expression of faith and confidence in my sincerity. I am not perfect, so I need to be corrected if I stay here, so please feel free. Regarding the public arena, I would be glad to help wherever and whenever I see TG people being persecuted. Everyone should think to themselves, when they see someone in distress, "what would I want someone to do if that were my daughter (or place anyone here that you care deeply about) and I were not there?". When I was a young graduate student at Yale, I was living in a basement apartment and heard, while studying very late one night, a woman screaming for her life outside. I was scared to death, but I asked myself that very question (my sister came to mind at the time). When I went outside in spite of my fears, there was a woman with torn clothing with her rapist scared off by myself and two other guys who came outside to her defense. It was a very densely populated neighborhood and very dangerous late at night (my windows and door had bars on it), but ONLY 3 of us did anything. No one else even called the police! There is so much apathy around. There I go again, I am SOOOO verbose :)
Dan,
I won't apologize for my comments but would like to provide some perspective why I made it so pointed. Transgender people suffer highly disproportionate rates of domestic violence, sexual assault and exploitation when compared with gender normative populations. Outing a member before they are truly ready(intentional or accidental) can have devastating effects on families, employment and housing. Our guards are up not because we are afraid of emotional vulnerability rather real issues of life and limb (in particular our sisters of color.) That said I am not calling for you to leave the site just understand why some of us may have a heightened sense of alert. It's survival instinct.
This is not to dissuade you from making comments, remarking on opinion posts(including offering opinions on member photos when solicited) or from making friends on the forum. Just be aware some of us will need a little more convincing and see consistency in your actions and other cisnormative ally's behaviours before installing trust. (No offence to significant others/family/proven allies meant)
Quote from: oh hai! on January 31, 2014, 03:36:10 AM
Dan,
I won't apologize for my comments but would like to provide some perspective why I made it so pointed. Transgender people suffer highly disproportionate rates of domestic violence, sexual assault and exploitation when compared with gender normative populations. Outing a member before they are truly ready(intentional or accidental) can have devastating effects on families, employment and housing. Our guards are up not because we are afraid of emotional vulnerability rather real issues of life and limb (in particular our sisters of color.) That said I am not calling for you to leave the site just understand why some of us may have a heightened sense of alert. It's survival instinct.
This is not to dissuade you from making comments, remarking on opinion posts(including offering opinions on member photos when solicited) or from making friends on the forum. Just be aware some of us will need a little more convincing and see consistency in your actions and other cisnormative ally's behaviours before installing trust. (No offence to significant others/family/proven allies meant)
That is very clear to mods BTW
Cindy
Quote from: str8softhearted4ltr on January 27, 2014, 07:46:15 PM
That was cute Ellie, made me smile....Dreams come true!! I bet you are more attractive than you might think. :)
I think when I am able to post an Avatar that I will simply post a real pic of myself...people here do not seem to judge, as best as I can tell
Thank you for making me feel welcome as well. From what I can tell so far, including reading other threads, I have no doubt as to what you said regarding open mindedness, intellectual stimulation, etc.
moving on a bit...
So, Dan... I changed my avatar, sorry... it's not blue.
This is me, more than a few years ago. I don't look much like that anymore ***sigh***
Quote from: EllieM on January 31, 2014, 08:56:28 AM
moving on a bit...
So, Dan... I changed my avatar, sorry... it's not blue.
This is me, more than a few years ago. I don't look much like that anymore ***sigh***
You look very nice Ellie, do not stress over it. You can count on comfort, support, and friendship from me, no worries :) I send you a virtual glass of wine....cheers....
Thanks, Dan.
<#include UB40.h>
Red red wine you make me feel so fine
You keep me rocking all of the time...