My name is Claudia (I guess i feel comfortable with this name because my 'boy' name is Claudiu and it doesn't seem that I change myself , just adjusting to my need and social standards of having a girl name ) , I am 24 (almost 25 :( ) years old and I live in Europe . My birthplace and also my actual document address is in Romania , but I was working around Europe for a long period of time , so I don't stay too much 'at home' .
My story is very , very long . The main idea is that I always was a sensitive kid , with a lot of feminine qualities but I didn't identified myself as a girl , like I hear about other transgirls who started their transition in their childhood - teen years . There were a lot of other things involved , my family , for example . I was born in a very closed mind family , in the rural area , with the religion playing a major role , so basically the only possibility for me was to be a boy and to 'like' girls . I was attracted to boys (especially in the sexual life/fantasies ), but I thought that was something wrong with me , and I inhibited those thoughts . Although I like girls too , I didn't have a real relationship with one , as I feel my 'role' is to be a girlfriend for a man , emotionally and sexually .
My life continued , I focused on school until I was about 15 , then I started to give up school and try to find my way , try to find who I am . I found a refuge in sport , and although I like it now too , bodybuilding was a mistake , I got a bigger and more masculine body but inside I remained the same sensitive person . My looks , although not great , were pretty good for a teen boy so I got some attention and I somehow felt comfortable this way .
That is a concern for my gender identity since I didn't hate my body like others girls did , I liked that I had a penis and I didn't felt deformed having some muscle growth . As I said I did associate some good memories with my man body , feeling the attention and even desire from the girls , and some 'respect' from all the people , finally I had something to display , I wasn't just a bullied kid anymore .
But I felt from time to time an envy and a desire to be like some beautiful girls I saw . That thoughts were not compatible with my macho look and reputation , so they remained undeveloped . I guess the real identity struggle started around 17-18 years old , around the time I finished high school , I already allowed myself everything in the sexual orientation area (I did and I still do like pretty much everything in the sexual life) , but my gender identity wasn't settled and I guess it still isn't . I found myself craving to look like the girls in the adult movies I watched , but that seemed impossible . Living in Romania means that the financial situation was very bad , it wasn't like if I got a job I could afford to pay rent for a place . So I continued living at my parents house , getting different jobs , basically wasting my life . I did continue to fantasies about being a girl , I used to dress as them , but that was about all .
Around 2011 I started working as a truck driver (such a masculine job :(( ), but I used this opportunity to allow myself to behave more naturally, to emerge , to try things , especially because I was alone in the world , no one did know me . Being alone for long periods of time , I thought at myself , and I realized I would like to live full time as a woman . Since then I worked on and off as a truck driver across Europe , even now I am still working , not for long though , I quit and hopefully by mid February I will be in Romania , subletting a place for myself and focusing on my gender issues and life .
Around November last year I have a ' revelation ' , even if it sounds silly I somehow wasn't aware of my real age , I didn't realize I got so old , inside I feel like I am still 18 . So , in the last part of 2013 I realized that my life was wasted : I have no friends (and I mean no one ) , my family don't support me at all (in the gender issues and basically in all my interests ) , I have a job that I don't like , my best years were just wasted . They are almost 7 years since I turned 18 , I wanted to do so much , yet I accomplished nothing .So I decided to start doing something for my dreams to come true . But it is not so easy . I have plans though , getting a diploma in the photography (I am a big fan of photography ) and also the biggest of all : to come out ass a girl in public . It is pretty risky , if it is not going that good I will be soon be living under a bridge , so I guess it is understandable being scared .
I didn't come out in public as a girl until now , I have long hair and I don't have a 'manly' image, including being sensitive and shy , but I feel more comfortable with a fade boy look ( because I am really scared of getting embarrassed )rather than expose myself as a girl . My plan is to try it first in some LGBT clubs , to get more comfortable about it .
My biggest problem now is that I have some 'doubts' , I don't know how to explain it , I think I don't really understand myself : I want to be a girl but I am not sure if I am .
I feel a little embarrassed (even though I am alone ) when I repeat talking in a more feminine way , I feel that I have no style (like the girls I admire ) , i feel I am not as cute as them and the list goes on .
I know every person is unique but I really want to be more feminine and that is the problem : wanting and developing the feminine features makes me feel that I am not a real girl , a real girl would feel and have them.
I did make a lot of analysis , as I said I am alone for long periods and I always think . I got to look very deep inside myself , but that made me even more confused .
I met some transgirls in the country , very feminine , who started the HRT at about 14 , and they told me they felt they were girls since like forever . That makes me think a lot , I guess some of my personality issues play a role here too , I am obsessive and a little competitive so I don't feel good thinking that I am not as much of a girl like others .
My perception of other girls plays a huge role too , I always (including after I discovered the concept of transgender ) thought that girls are different of me , so I got a mental image of a girl , different from my own image because that was the way I thought things are . Now I find it difficult to see me as a girl because of that , I still feel that I am different from the 'real' girls .
Lately , I learned some things , some concepts , and I don't believe anymore in genders the way I did . I think that I am a unique person with features in the gender spectrum , and because most of them (including the ones concerning the sexual role ) are in the feminine area , I can pass as a girl .
Also I don't like the idea of being an androgin , not to mention all the possibilities : third gender , bigender , trigender , pangender , nongendered , genderfluid and so on , they confused me and also scared me in a way as sometime I feel I could identify with some of them for example pangender and/or genderfluid .
I heard a lot of transgirls saying that they would've liked being a man or a woman not a trans , and now I understand them . My wish/goal is to be a 'woman' but sometime I feel that I don't have this identity . I am clearly not a man , but I don ' t always feel comfortable at the thought of getting in public as a girl , either . I feel that I have some kind of pride that gets hurt when I dress and behave like a girl . Also because I like girls too , and I tend to see them as possible partners , I tend to display some male features when I talk to them . I inhibit my emotions , I try not to cry , and all those things that the society pressed me to do as a boy .
Maybe it is the fact that I thought I was a boy for such a long time , that makes it so difficult to be a girl now .
Also my looks play a major role too . When I see myself and I look pretty I feel very comfortable with being a girl , the girl behavior and gestures come naturally . But , for the most of the time I either look as a 'boy' , with no make up and man clothes or I visualize myself and I always seem to see myself as a boy , then I get lots of thoughts about my identity and the struggle repeats .
Anyway , I know I seem like a messed up person and I guess I am , but I really want to get some friends around here , I really feel alone , there is no one for me around (and sometime I wonder why , i don't want to be overconfident but I want to think that I am not so unpleasant as a friend :() .
Hi Claudia :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here
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Hugs
V M
Hi welcome :)
I know its difficult , but the thing is that everyone is different ,even among us...
so try to follow you own path and im sure everything will be ok :)
Hi Claudia,
A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.
There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.
What you are experiencing with regard to yourself and your perspectives on gender are all quite normal and natural. When you consider what you have been through in recent years in the light of brain development.
Pre-puberty you experienced considerable identity as a female. Puberty came long and completely restructured your brain both physically and mentally. This reconstruction doesn't finish until you are about 25 years of age. Earlier for a female gendered brain. What has exaggerated your situation is the difference in your female gendered brain and your physically male presented body. That causes internal confusion, often described as gender dysphoria.
To help you navigate your way through this maze of confusion, if you can find a therapist who knows and understand Trans gender issues, you will gradually see the sense behind your thoughts and feelings.
Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Thank you all for your nice words and support .
I have such a bad time these days , i just don't know what to think anymore . I posted some of my thoughts in other topics , anyway it all exploded yesterday when i read some more articles that made me check some information on 2d:4d rapport . Then all fell apart as i found more and more data about the possibility that i am not really a girl .
I feel so alone and left out . Sometime I feel and i want to blame the universe for screwing me up , sometimes i feel that is all my fault , that is just a sexual fetish i could get rid off and continue my life . I feel so bad .
It feels so cold and real that possibility ,also the possibility that all my life was built around some fetishes and none of my dreams is possible .
Some extra thoughts , beside what i already posted , i know that no one really cares about and i should discuss that with a therapist , but i feel good exposing my feelings .
I started HRT with estrogen and androgen blockers on 18th of January this year , I don't have any libido at all and it doesn't bother me (which Is a big deal since before hrt my whole life was about sex) . I am ok with no sexual libido , although I have some pleasure/desire thinking of sexual acts there is no physical response , only a mental pleasure different from the ones I experienced before ) , and I feel very good about getting a better feminine body (i don't know if it is the rush of getting something new , a challenge , some activity to get out from my boring life , an icon of the new life i want to start)
A problem would be that I had/have no hate on my male body , it wasn't very hairy , bulky or something like that but I had and still have some muscles , I don't know If it is a personality trait of me liking muscles , if it is the habit since the days I had to have muscle to be cool and a sex symbol , me getting used to that look for some years , or that i am not a girl - if i were one i would have hate a male body , or anything else , but clearly is a masculine feature for a person no matter the gender
However the idea is that those studies and classifications induced me the thoughts that I could be a ->-bleeped-<- even though I do not crossdress for direct sexual gratification , or maybe I am not aware that all the feminization of the body and mind is to be attractive as a girl and that implies also a sexual fetish
Another factor is that i am a very erotic person , with lots of pleasures and an open mind , so i have lots of 'fetishes' ,like the society calls them , so that make it easy to seem that the feminity is just a fetish not a reality , The worst part is that makes sense for me , seem possible and i hate that .
But if traits that describe out way to be (even if they are learnt / acquired ) are called fetishes maybe it is not bad that my femininity is a 'fetish' - that is just me , a trait of mine .
I just hope their theories and point of views were wrong.
Also they said that the fetish could develop into a gender dysphoria (and that is both good and bad for me , I want to be a real girl , not only a crossdresser , but the 'man made' gender dysphoria , especially one resulted from sexual fetishes ,doesn't sound as respectable/genuine as a real one)
It seem that no matter how hard I want , all the science prove that I am not as much of girl as other
I don't know if it is my obsessive nature , a sexual related challenge or something else , but I want to be/feel as a full girl , not a crossdresser nor androgynous
I don't perceive genders the way i do , in a way there are no genders , but i want all my features : physically ,emotionally, behavioral ,personality to be in the feminine part of the gender spectrum . Maybe it is just an obsession , i am very obsessive and even though i don't like competitions , sometime i found myself in some of them trying to be the best .
Maybe the more I think about that the more I feel that I am different of others girls, I don't know .
Sometime after all the reasons and arguments struggle , all the science and stuff , i calm down and i feel like a girl especially if i see myself dressed and with make up on and i look pretty and feminine .
Sometime it seems that I can get a male pov and self id , sometime a female one
Sometime I feel that I think as a woman sometime like a boy (although i don't know if it is possible to feel that , i feel that i am me , if i allow to feel feminine then i feel feminine ),
Sometime I feel so fit and good about being a girl, sometime it feels weird , inharmonious with me
Maybe is the power of habits , maybe is some form of androginity or genderfluid , maybe is the feeling of scare and abnormal (after all is a huge change and it implies lot of downsides to come out as a girl ), maybe is the brain having trouble to recreate all the unconscious plans and daydreams for a life as a girl (I don't know if other girls had made their plans in life as girls since ever , or it was a clear moment when they were aware that they are girls and all that things involved , all the changes ), maybe it is because of the standards that states that a woman should likes men ( i like men but only some categories of them as a full partner , others just as sexual partners ).
It is weird and also very scary now that i think about
Was i wrong at the beginning when i identified myself as a bisexual man with transvestic fetish and an open mind
or this is who i am
I could really think that i misidentify because i grew up in a close minded family , society
all the pressure was for me to be not only a straight man but also a real tough one
i never was
but i was trying and in a way i wanted that
to be like the male heroes
to be strong
to make my father proud (taking your father as a model si a factor or a proof in being/id a boy ?)
i liked all the attention and advantages you got if you were a manly child , strong , tough
Beside i am very influencing , if all the people who are trusty from family to public autorithies classified me as a boy , i didn't dare to contradict .. But i guess these are just excuses , i guess girls felt , believed and act as girls no matter what .
All that together with the pressure from classmates and other who already saw me evolving as a' man ' made me inhibit the real me
starting from liking men (i didn't admit it or allow it to myself , not saying about coming out) to being a girl , even crossdress for start
For me it was like an evolution rather than a clear awareness of being a girl so i still believe that my previous perceptions of my gender identity were wrong
It is both weird and worrying how i never worried about living a a girl despite i clearly thought of that , but it didn't seemed like a big deal , i thought i am a girl and live with that , no struggling to come out ( i didn't have in front of whom anyway )
I focused on job and other stuff , and , although i had some masculine activities imposed by job , i couldn't say that i lived a masculine live . It was just a boring life , with plans and hopes , that i will live as a girl , although my self id was of a boy .
In a way , i perceived the transition as if i would completely change me with my mental idea of a girl , and that sounds worrying .
But it was also about sex , i focused about the sexual and physical part of being a woman
and that makes me wonder and worry if i was a ->-bleeped-<- and if i developed dysphoria from constant believe and inductions that i am a girl
Even worse , the transgenders i knew were the porn actresses and some escorts , all of them sexual persons .
I felt that some of them were more girly than others but i didn't think a lot at that
Maybe that was the difference between full girls and sexual ->-bleeped-<-s
Too bad , that i created my idea of transgender from that , and also too bad that i somehow liked more the more manly trans than the really feminine one . Was it because that is why i like sexually ?
Also that confused me in who i am and who/how i want to be .
The simple fact that i like transsexuals in an erotic way makes me wonder if it is all a fetish , a fascination , a curiosity to try how it feels to live as a woman ,( and when i say that i perceive myself as a man and is so frustrating and scary ).
I guess i wasn't understanding and seeking transgender , because of my sexual desire that put in a cone of shadow my id and desire to be a full girl .
The thought that i couldn't think that is possible for a trans to be exactly like a 'girl' regarding brain an stuff either indicates that i can't think like a girl , either made me create mistaken perception (from the lack of information) and icons of genders including where i situated on the spectrum .
In a way i feel like i want to transition from a gender identity point of view from what i am now (although i don't know what i am ) to a fully girl and being ok with that , I like the idea that I could enhance/create my femininity side and traits .
That is weird , and i guess indicates some issues and maybe that i am not a girl
Sometime i heard trans girls , that said they are not girls but they are trans and that made me peacefully
Maybe because i doubt , don't dare or i am afraid of facing the task of full transition
Or is it because that is the way i unconsciously feel , not a real girl ?
I somehow unconscious waited for my life as a woman to start , i don't know if that indicates that my femininity was just in my head , just a fetish , a dual personality , alter ego , another imaginary life , or just my way of functioning , living in daydreams.
I lived a lot in daydreams , in fantasy worlds , because my life was so hard , sad , and i was totally unhappy with it .
In a way , for me , if it is to give up sexual pleasure and life as a girl for good, it make no sense completing the transition
I will always be feminine end enhancing it but if it wouldn't be for sex and fun , it just doesn't worth for me all the struggle
I like women attention and it is easier to find some as a boy(even a sensible one ) rather than a girl
That is even more painful because i sometime remember the life as a boy and it seems i could continue it .
I would like seeing a therapist , but I don't 'trust' them : if I can't understand myself , how could they really understand me. They would observe form an image and classify me in a category by my 'output ' opinions , description of self , but they vary a lot depending on my approach on self , by the knowledge and experiences i have .
The only way I believe they could help me is encouraging me in transition and inducing me that I am a girl .
Also I tend to act in a way , because I don't interact with people too much (in fact , I don't interact at all with other people for days ) when I will see a therapist I will try to 'be' somehow : either I will try to behave in a more feminine way , either I will tend to show some masculine features from different reasons : if the therapist is a woman (as I like girls sometime , and I was misleaded that for getting a girl attention you have to be masculine)
as a response of some interactions : when I feel threatened , embarrassed .. (i think the pressure from the society and the universal 'normality' made me inhibit crying , especially in front of girls , although i feel like crying very often , in many situations ).
That is why I prefer an online therapy , with someone I don't know nothing about , including the 'gender'
Also the stories i read here
make me even more anxious and panicked
I wish i could have the gender identity opinion of most people , that they are men and women , and since i don't feel man and i want to be woman , that would make me clearly a woman
Unfortunately it is not , i believe that what you know/accept makes a lot of difference in self id and self accepting , so in a way , for me the more i know is the worst , makes me struggle and get wrong conclusions.
I found a topic about being a crossdresser or a trangender
And many say that if you reduce your libido with androgen blockers for example , and you still want to transition , you would be a girl. That would go nice for me , as i don't have libido for a while now yet my wish are the same or even stronger.
The problem is that my fetish may not be as superficial as a sexual one, but still be a fetish , basically my dream life is to be a woman , but that implies a lot the looks and sex and fun life , i didn't focus too much on other topics . I feel ok with being a woman in all domains , but i don't feel the real need for that , excepting the public social life . I guess it is because i didn't have a life so far , just working on this horrible job , staying alone for months on a row , so that the gender , although i identified it as woman for many years now , doesn't concern me too much . It seems that if is not about the social life , i could life the way i am , or even better to kill myself as my life is horrible .
Maybe my problems are of another nature , for example psychiatric : reality perception and personality disorder rather than my real gender.All of this just from the articles about the digit rapport that tells almost sure if you have been exposed to estrogen and got your brain feminized . I think that if i didn't know those things maybe i would have been peacefull and happy .
Now i am ripped apart . I just don't see a good way out of this
.
I don't want to start trying living as a man, trying to fit in the men groups or live as a weirdo .
The idea of continuing the transition although makes me happy , feels unfounded and non genuine
I feel that i should sacrifice my happiness and don't be a ->-bleeped-<- .
In a way i feel like i shouldn't be here , i feel an intruder , a disguised male in female world i was always fascinated with
I don't know what to do anymore , basically i guess i will try to make me allow to continue transition , if not possible i really hope i will have the power to end this life , 'like a man ' :(
Hi Claudia,
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings. My first impression is that there is a considerable amount of feminine energy in you. The length and 'spirit' of your post is typically feminine.
You have indeed exposed some very complex issues that I'd just like to share with you, not in detail, as I'm not the right person for the job, nor is this forum adequate to deal with them in a quasi-public place.
Essentially, we do care about you. You chose to enter this family and that is a basic respect lived out here. If I may, I'd like to make a few observations on what you've said. Perhaps this part of your life's journey is a bit early to make some of the conclusions you have drawn. Whether or not you have taken into consideration such points as, your family background and he denial you experienced in the light of your imposed masculinity; the fact you've only just started HT and the demonstrative effect that will have on the "rewiring" of it; the rapid uptake in research you have done recently. Just placing those basic elements into a melting pot is bound to challenge your past precepts. I wouldn't be in too much of a hurry to draw any conclusions just yet.
If I haven't misunderstood you, I sense you fear you may be driven by ->-bleeped-<-. Being motivated purely by sexual gratification/stimulation. There may or may not be a basis for that. Only an experienced therapist, not blinded by recent changes to the DSM 4 recommendations, could ascertain that. Perhaps it's a result of the conflagration of recent and past events. These early days of HT can produce remarkable temporary outcomes that fade as quickly as they came.
Perhaps this could be a good time to sit back a little and just breath for a moment. Don't be too hard or competitive with yourself. Take some pressure off and cut yourself a bit of slack. I do sense a very intelligent inner woman in you, who's not so much fighting for survival, more so trying to find her true centre, having been repressed for so long.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.
Huggs
Catherine