Hi everyone. My name is Thea (nickname Elyra). I've been thinking about joining this site for quite a while (longtime lurker!) but never got around to do so - until now. And I guess I finally did because I feel kinda down today :(
So warnings first, this is kind of long. And it's mostly me ranting. Sorry :(
So, introductions first. I'm a MtF, transgendered woman of 26 years. I write that, but I'm nowhere near fulltime yet, unfortunately. The last five years or so I've been off and on debating with myself if I truly am transgendered, or just confused, or what. While I don't go back and forth on that issue anymore, I'm still constantly questioning if transitioning is right for me. I've pretty much known I wanted to be a girl since about age 14 (but I chose to suppress it back then). Before that, gender didn't really concern me all that much. For about ten years I've been increasingly more and more depressed, largely due to gender dysphoria, something I'm sure most of you are intimately familiar with.
So, I started off three years ago by telling my closest friends and family how I felt, and for a while things were all right. I went to a therapist regularly. I experimented with make-up and clothing. But everything was done at home. I didn't really progress as a person, nor did I do anything related to transitioning - I was kind of just hoping things would fix themselves, and of course they didn't. About a year ago I was at an all time low in my life, barely functioning. I had completely stopped experimenting at that point, and doing anything sociable was unbearable. The therapy had stopped. I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it anymore. The only place I enjoyed being at was at work, where I could occupy myself with tasks so that I didn't have to think about my own issues. That changed when I finally had enough, at the beginning of september last year.
I started HRT, DIY style. Now, before anyone might point their finger, know that in the country I live, hormone therapy is only really something a person can get prescribed by first doing therapy for quite a while, and then going through the dreaded real life test, where you're supposed to live as your designated gender for over a year. After that, they might help you. I didn't want to wait anymore, I really didn't, at that point I felt like I had been waiting all my life already. Now, I've been on HRT for 5 months. The first three months I was pretty euphoric, feeling better then I had in years. Now, that feeling has unfortunatly subsided, and while I definitly feel less depressed, I still have tough days. Like today.
My biggest enemy is myself. Every one of my friends and family has supported me, but I still feel inadeqate, unsure, afraid. Since childhood I've been terrified of standing out in the crowd, being laughed at, being teased (and I was teased a lot). I'm not at all confident in myself, so I tend to back away from doing anything bold, like going full time, or even showing my femininity amongst friends. Words do hurt me, as pathetic as that sounds. I'm extremly sensitive to insults, and I even tend to read something negative into every neutral comment. As a consequence, I'm constantly getting disappointed and sad by my own lack of drive and progress. The even sadder part is that it's all my fault :'(
HRT has, so far at least, not really helped me face these issues. I still look 100 % male, though the few changes to my body has been enjoyable (my face hasn't really changed at all so far). My original plan was to gradually go into full time as my body changed. Suffice to say, going full time just like that terrifies me. But it's getting really frustrating just waiting for that to happen, and it might not even happen at all (a big fear I have). So I go back and forth dealing with anxiety and not managing to be myself despite really wanting to every day.
Sorry, this got really long. I'll end my rant here, I guess I needed to vent. Transitioning is tough. I wish I could have half the guts many of you possess. Thank for reading this.
Hi Elyra and welcome to Susan's.
Nothing wrong with a rant now and then. It wouldn't hurt to start therapy again, one who understands gender issues. Have a doctor do some bloodwork on you at the very least. Some will even prescribe just to keep you from self medding.
I agree with lordKAT therapy would deffinatly help. Blood work is in order and Hun it gets better.
We all have rough days they pass hold your head high, it is not bad to say that words hurt. I am costantly sppprised at how much one word can hurt.
Thank you both, Kat and Sheala, for answering. I actually went and ordered a therapy session today. It's with my old therapist, so I'm kind of looking forward to it. He was always quite nice, though at the end I felt we weren't really making any progress... here's hoping it will change this time.:)
I had my blood checked on Friday (for the first time), so I expect a letter detaling the finds in about two weeks or so.
Thanks again. I already feel a bit better. Just listening to music and some encouraging words go a long way.
Hi Elyra :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here and yes, things do get better
Jump on in the fun and meet some new friends 8) We are all here for each other
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Hugs
V M
I think you need self reassurance and confidence in your transition. I havent started or done HRT, i wish you well in it. Therapy and pushing your boundaries will help make you go through transition.
Thank you, V M and izzy! :)
I hope I can be strong and work through my issues.
Hi Thea,
A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.
There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.
One thing you need to remember, transition is not an overnight event. It takes years for HT to do its work both physically and more importantly, mentally. It's what's between your ears is the most important bit, not what's between you legs. Sit back and settle in for the long haul and most of all, stop along the way and smell the roses.
Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.
Lotsa huggs
Catherine
Thank you for the warm welcome Catherine. I feel quite welcomed already :)
I know I should be patient, and normally I am. It's just that very often, I feel so disgusted with myself and it doesn't help that I feel HRT isn't helping as much as I thought it would. I really, really want to pass, like right now. Alas...
I did have a much better day today though. Even dared to go into a cosmetics shop and bought a new foundation :)
Hi Thea,
You certainly catch on quick. Best way to fight the demons is do something for yourself. Buy some make up (like you did) get a manicure, buy a dress, even something really simple like freshening up your make up.
I know what you're saying about how the negative feelings pull you down. The sooner you find the trick of nipping them in the bud, the better. The whole trick to "passing" is finding the real Thea inside and let her radiate outwardly. Once you find her, nothing will stop her and everyone else can only look on.
Shopping is fun, isn't it?
Huggs
Catherine