Hi ,
I am almost 25 years old now , and after a traumatizing childhood , I 'found' a way to acceptance and attention in being kinda macho . Between 15 and 19-20 I was pretty muscular and I enjoyed the attention I got . Inside I was still sensitive , yet I didn't thought about transition , I tried to get rid of femininity with testosterone (unsuccessfully).
Anyway , maybe it sounds stupid but although I was clearly fascinated by girls , I don't know if I liked them as sexual/romantic partners . I liked them in adult movies for example , but when I looking at them , I was picturing myself . When I was a skinny boy , bullied In high school , I didn't get any good attention from girls or boys . After I got some muscle , I got attention from girls and some respect from boys . My problem is that now , if I am in a good mood , and some girls 'check me out' (very possible that in a non romantic way ;D) , I tend to act like a boy , this is how I learnt to be appreciated , I feel like a pressure to show some skills , I feel that that is what they expect from me. If I get aware , I calm myself and it is ok . Also , if I am in a bad mood , struggling to understand myself and being sad for not being born as cis girl .
I know most of the trans girls tend to be attracted only on men , but , from the ones that like girls too , has anyone had this kind of problem ?
I am sexual , but my orientation is clearly undefined , I may like anybody , It depends on individual rather than 'gender' .
I tend to feel good in the middle of girls , but I don't know if it is because I am one , because they are more sensitive and supportive , because I was bullied by boys and now I am scared , or because most of the guys don't quite accept trans girls as girls , so it is difficult and frustrating trying to find one.
In my school days I have been bullied by boys a lot so I have a negative bias towards them. I have and always will love women despite being a transwomen.
I suppose when I first admitted to myself that I would have to transition to be happy I went thru a phase of really hating men. I hated how they acted, how they looked, how they talked, just everything about them. I realized by virtue of having some amazing and supportive cismale friends though, that they aren't bad just different.
My sexual orientation hasn't really been a struggle or anything I am attracted to other girls trans or cis doesn't matter so much. I have learned to appreciate men, but they just don't do anything for me sexually and it is a pity too as that cuts my dating pool in half but I can't really control who I think is attractive.
I did have a bit of a problem when it came to fashion though, when I realized lots of the clothes I was wearing were clothes I wanted to see someone else wear, those clothes weren't really a representation of me. I know it might sound strange but the clothes I find attractive on other girls and the ones that I feel are representitive of me are not the same.
Quote from: Hikari on February 04, 2014, 07:16:52 PM
I did have a bit of a problem when it came to fashion though, when I realized lots of the clothes I was wearing were clothes I wanted to see someone else wear, those clothes weren't really a representation of me. I know it might sound strange but the clothes I find attractive on other girls and the ones that I feel are representitive of me are not the same.
I have the same problem but I guess it is about my brain getting used and even more about a problem I have because of my undefined sexual orientation : I have problems discerning what I like : what is that I expect on a partner and what is that I want me too look / be like .
But , as I said , my problem with girls is that they remind me of my boy days and happy moments , and I am scared that they trigger some 'genderfluid-like' problems , clearly I don't become a man , but my mind is flooded with memories from when I identified as a boy , and it feels weird and sometime a little embarrassing presenting as a girl , especially if I know that persons .
I tend to action in the way I used to did , for obtaining results . I guess is some body learnt behavior but it gets me nuts .
Also , maybe Is normal for any lesbian , but sometime I tend to be the protective one , the one that offers more than expects in return , and that makes me feel bad , because it seems manly.
In bed , I am soft though , I am not a butch lesbian .
I don't know , though , as all these feelings appear and disappear , maybe it is a little normal for someone like me , with a lot of other psyhical quirks, and also because I always tent to be a sex symbol , when I thought I was a boy , I didn't liked it being an lower than average one , so that is why I started getting a 'better' body .
Just relax. You are who you are. You cannot fight it. Enjoy it. Relax. The more you relax, the less your problems will be problems and the more you will be able to feel comfortable about it all.
Thanks , you know if I allow myself to relax it feels so good , I see no problem at all , but sometimes I get anxious , scared :(