So yesterday on my way to a job interview my transmission went out in my car. My insurance wont cover it and I have nor the money to fix it, and dont have the credit to qualify for the loan to fix it, or get a new junker unless I get a co-signer. My current job requires that I have a car and be mobile. With how cold it was, I didnt have a ride home for several hours and I was dressed in nothing but general female formal interview attire. I tried to walk home I was so upset. my heels broke, the shoe part dug through my heels untill it hit meat and shredded my feet. I just kept walking through the cold until I hit the late stages of hypothermia and a police officer found me wandering in the highway. I was so cold I was completely gone mentally. Took me a few hours in the hospital to know finally figure out where I was. I was lucky I didnt lose any fingers or toes, even tho I got cold blisters all over on my feet. After thinking about it, I really have given up.... I seriously tried to kill myself, my goal was to walk as far as I could in the cold, until I died. I just got the job, just got that car fixed after the battery went out, found a new job I could support myself on, and now I cant go to that job because now my car is dead. I thought life was looking up, sure the hell it wasnt. it took a giant turn for the worst. I dunno what to do. I really dont. I got a job doing companion care, looking after elderly people, but I need that care to transport them too and from appointments, errands, ect ect. I dunno what to do. I really wish the cold had taken me.
Hi ,
I am not that good at motivational speeches , but I know you should try relaxing , have some sweets and a good long sleep . I get very depressed fairly often , and I know that sometimes it is even worse , when you feel like your life is falling apart on multiple domains , you find no escape , your mind is overwhelmed .
But I also know , that after a few days , even if you don't do anything actively , it won't seem so bad anymore , and solution will start to appear , you will figure it out and maybe someone else will help too .
Think that you are not alone , we are all here to support you and also most of us have big problems .
Also when I get suicidal , I feel the strongest , as I don't care about anything , so I can think in a wider field , I don't have to mind so many restrains that unconsciously stress me .It is like : 'I will die , at least I could do whatever I like , whatever I want and think ' , and then , by doing that , I usually get to solve some of my problems and improve my life .
I know this doesn't help you practically , but you have to loosen up a little , relax your mind , the more you think about it now the worse it looks , but that is mainly because of depression and overwhelming .
oh dear Teela....
I have felt those desires while depressed more times than I care to count and I am sure many of us have felt that way too.
If I could just reach out my arms and hug you tightly dear sister I would, but I will settle for a cosmic cyber hug !
We are all here to support you Teela and it is never as terrible as our minds might make it out to be. Sometimes we just need to talk to someone. Someone who understands us, and listens with compassion and caring. A little human touch to remind us of our humanity. You are a precious woman of value and I would hate to see anything happen to you. You are special part of our special community, so please, please talk to someone like a therapist, it will help.
I know it might sound cliché....but it really will get better, I promise !!!!!
Many hugs !!!!
All of us transitioning pass into these extreme worst situations on our lives. In 2009, I had worse things happen to me but as time pass by years and years you'll see the path becomes smoother and smoother. Be aware you're not the only one who pass through extreme depression, we all are on and off. Being trans is a lifetime fight.
Quote from: ana on February 08, 2014, 07:46:28 AM
oh dear Teela....
I have felt those desires while depressed more times than I care to count and I am sure many of us have felt that way too.
If I could just reach out my arms and hug you tightly dear sister I would, but I will settle for a cosmic cyber hug !
We are all here to support you Teela and it is never as terrible as our minds might make it out to be. Sometimes we just need to talk to someone. Someone who understands us, and listens with compassion and caring. A little human touch to remind us of our humanity. You are a precious woman of value and I would hate to see anything happen to you. You are special part of our special community, so please, please talk to someone like a therapist, it will help.
I know it might sound cliché....but it really will get better, I promise !!!!!
Many hugs !!!!
*hugs* thank you.
Dont give in! Dont let them win! Life is super stressful I know and its amount of sucky days or events never comes in small quantity. Those days of everything just gets worse and worse happen. Try to learn from them in the future so life wont suck the life out of you. Death is never the easy way out, it only brings more pain and confusion.
We're here for ya girl. Don't give up on us because we need ya! :angel: :-*
Don't give up Teela, something will work out
Hugs
Teela: I wish I had a spare car you could have tomorrow. I hate to see you struggling every other time you post. And I don't want you to die. But I don't know where you can find a little help down there, or if you still have support from Sour Skittles. If you were here in the UP I'd have you stay in the spare room, feed you some home cooked food, and let your life heal up a bit.
Anyway, if you ever do come back to the UP some day look me up in South Range. I'd really love to buy a pizza in town, and talk about life over a few beers.
I know what hard times are like, and I've wanted to die while walking aimlessly through a cold snowy night. But I'm glad we're both still here to talk about it.
Hugs girl. Real big hugs.
K
Hun im so sorry things still aren't getting better for you. Just a thought but have you thought about trying factory? You can go thru a temp agency and while getting your bills paid save up enough money to get a more reliable car so you can go back into home healthcare. Yes it may be dirty, hot and uncomfortable work, but the money is good (i started at $10/hr and just got a raise to $12.50) and can really help get things back on track.
I am so glad you are still with us Teela! I wish I could ease your pain and convince you things do get better, but I do know how you feel and hope you accept my sincerity. I wish I was there with you to help out. This is the best I can do right now though.
:icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: :icon_hug: Here are hugs for the next week! Please take care baby.
I'm sorry, I hope things get better. I'm struggling my self and its not fun.
Don't ever give up!
I know how you feel. I struggle with depression and I've had suicidal thoughts before. Just try and stay strong! *hugs*
Can't say anything else that hasn't already been said. Just know that others have been here before and have survived! Stay strong and keep positive. It will get better.
Girl I'm sorry.that really does sound like a awful day but def don't give up just yet
Dear Teela,
That was a bad thing that happened to you, and you had the right to sink into despair.
I am sending you my best wishes for an opportunity to appear on your path.
Hugs,
P
Teela,
Hold on, and hang in there. Know that you are loved.
We're here for you.
Some days, everything goes so well, but other times it is getting worse and wore, and everything becomes twisted. That is our life. Endless cycles of rising and declining. Certainly you will have a better day very soon.
barbie~~
Quote from: kathyk on February 08, 2014, 08:47:09 AM
Teela: I wish I had a spare car you could have tomorrow. I hate to see you struggling every other time you post. And I don't want you to die. But I don't know where you can find a little help down there, or if you still have support from Sour Skittles. If you were here in the UP I'd have you stay in the spare room, feed you some home cooked food, and let your life heal up a bit.
Anyway, if you ever do come back to the UP some day look me up in South Range. I'd really love to buy a pizza in town, and talk about life over a few beers.
I know what hard times are like, and I've wanted to die while walking aimlessly through a cold snowy night. But I'm glad we're both still here to talk about it.
Hugs girl. Real big hugs.
K
My father has colon cancer so I might be back up that way in the next few months to deal with bad tidings.
I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles Teela. I wish there was something I could do to help but all I can offer is support. Try to keep your head up as best you can. Right now things are tough but they can make you a stronger person in the end.
Big big hugs hun.
Really sorry to hear life is kicking you while you're down. I think you're a very strong women first for admitting what you were doing and second for talking to people about it. You never know, maybe something worse would have happened if the day didn't play out as it did. I'm glad you're still with us, stay strong.
The writer Anne Sexton wrote:
"Now listen, life is lovely, but I CAN'T LIVE IT. ... To be alive , yes alive, but not able to live it. Aye, that's the rub. I am like a stone that lives ... locked outside of all that is real ... I wish, or think I wish, that I were dying of something, for then I could be brave, but to be not dying and yet ... and yet to be behind a wall, watching everyone fit in where I can't, to talk behind a grey foggy wall, to live but ... to do it all wrong ... I'm not a part. I'm not a member. I'm frozen"
She committed suicide.
I read this over and over again 8 months ago, when I was thinking suicide was my last and only option. I came home every night from work, read this then pulled a knife across my upper arm until blood was dripping from my elbow. Just to feel real. I am one of the most upbeat people I have ever met, but even I get down.
I started looking for statistics and found this:
A study in the late 70s tracked down 515 people who were stopped from jumping off the golden gate bridge. 94% were either alive or died of natural causes.
It made me rethink everything. I decided that sometimes life just sucks, the point is to get through it.
I made it through to the other side and you can too. PLEASE don't give up yet. Be one of the 94% with me.
This week when I realized I was a woman. I wrote a poem to remind myself if I ever get down again.
It's corny so please don't laugh. This is the first time I've shown my poetry to anyone.
"Sunset", by Michelle
Flame tipped waves dancing below
Give three small questions before you go
Asks coppery cotton clouds that fly above
Did you live?
Did you laugh?
Did you love?
Hang in there, it will get better! :-*
youll get there.
seems like my life in a way. havent been that cold in a while but the whole THINGS ARE LOOKING UP WORLD followed by near death seems to be almost the norm for a lot of people.
invest in a cell phone next time you get a car and move someplace warm.
:) youll get there eventually.
rise against (back when they were good in my opinion) has a song called halfway there. 'when enough is enough thats when you know that youre halfway there'
good song.
or sanity by bad religion.
anyway. life gets better. always does when youre dedicated. suicide just makes things worse on everyone else around you. so. stay optimistic its worth it
:)
scary part was I did it subconciously, I had plenty of chances to duck into walgreens's on the walk, but was so upset I refused and was so determined to get home, it almost cost me my life. and as I sat in the hospital having dead skin removed off my feet, I was doing some thinking, and had relised I didnt care if i had froze to death and it scared me. I got a gf and her daughter to look after and I almost abandoned them. I cant afford to do that to them, I love them to much, but it was scary to me that I pushed the envalope with death the other night.
well, one thing that might come of it you'll just be a lot more aware and strong if depression hits.
Hey Teela,
I wish I had something helpful to say. In any case, I really hope everything turns around for you. And for what it's worth, I'm always here to talk if you need someone.
Hoping you feel better.
Quote from: learningtolive on February 09, 2014, 12:04:02 PM
Hey Teela,
I wish I had something helpful to say. In any case, I really hope everything turns around for you. And for what it's worth, I'm always here to talk if you need someone.
Hoping you feel better.
*hugs* thank you.
I can't even count the number of times life would start to look up and then it would all come crashing down. So far I've learned that every time something good happens, something bad follows. But then something even better happens, and I live for the better. I've wanted to give up, but I try my best to remember that, as I see it, everything that sucks is temporary. So if it's bad now, eventually it won't be. No matter how many times I have to fight my way out of a crappy place I always survive. I was so bad off I seriously thought there was no possible way I could ever get out of it. But I did. Life isn't perfect now, but it has improved, and the improvement is proof that things can get better. If it has for me, I know it will for you. Please don't stop existing.
Status update
Well, They opened up the transmission, it wasn't saveable. So The car is toast. But im trying to stay positive. My feet are healing quick so thats a plus. My friend is letting me barrow her car for now when she isnt using it. My new job is working with my on my avaiability untill I have my own car. Which if my tax's post before this coming tuesday I can get a used car with only 90k miles on it for $1.4k Thanks to the help of some special people *hugs* After paying the tow company and the garage for housing my car over the weekend, im 400 short on that 1.4k So hoping my tax's post asap. expecting them before the 21st but praying they get there before tuesday the 18th. Thats how long the dealership will hold the car. Wish me luck.
yea, good luck
Quote from: stephaniec on February 12, 2014, 07:43:43 PM
yea, good luck
Thanks, im gonna need every bit of it with the way my luck usually goes. :-\