Hey all,
Tl;DR I go on and on about stuff you most likely could care less about, lol.
I thought I would post an update as my 25th birthday is today (I'm getting old :() and I've been doing a lot of reflection on both my life and transition. Because I've been doing a lot of introspection, this post will deal with multiple areas of my life that are transition related and how I've been handling it all. Judging by my completely original and unique title, you may notice that things are mixed. Since I love blabbing on and on, I thought I would bore everyone here with my story a bit more (aren't you lucky)! And hey, I don't have a blog here, so this is probably the best area to throw this in. As a friendly warning, I must let you know that I go all over the place and ramble quite a bit without much coherency and/or respect to grammar. Good luck and god bless you if you can make it through this, lol.
Okay, let's begin on a positive note. I've finally begun to develop a sense of inner peace with my transition and my appearance. To be honest, I wasn't sure how I was going to end up at the beginning nor did I feel passing was a guarantee in any respect. This was something that used to make wake up in the middle of the night in tears and haunt me thoughout the day. Now, I'm confident that I will pass in the near future (I've been told I do now, but that's when I have makeup on and my goal is to pass at all times). Ever since my hormone increase in October, I'm finding myself making big improvements at a steady pace. From October to January, my Estrogen levels had tripled (according to my endo) and my t level was 27 (I don't know the units for this) and it shows when I look at my progress pictures that I take on a daily basis. Truthfully, I sort of feel embarrassed when I look at some of my old selfies even those from just a few weeks ago. Even my most proud pictures at the time are now seen as a near trainwreck by my current self, especially the ones in October and beforehand. Either I needed a little more time than most people on hrt or that lower doses weren't doing a whole lot for me in the grand scheme of things. It certainly looked very different from the responses I saw from other people my age which was a continuous source of depression. While it sucks that everything is so slow and it's taking forever, I'm glad to finally be getting somewhere and do feel more confident that I'll keep improving at a steady pace. I've also continued with laser treatment and finally feel like the beard shadow is almost non-existent with a good shave (well, compared to before). Even though I need more sessions in order to fully get rid of it, I've already noticed a dramatic change in my face and overall it's helping me look more feminine. Along with hormones and laser, one of my friends really helped me out and sort of gave me a make over. It was a huge help. I'm not saying everything is perfect (far from it), but I've been feeling much better about my appearance and believe I'll come out fine in the end.. My next steps are to change up my hair a bit (bangs, which I feel I need, and highlights) and then and save up for rhinoplasty; unfortunately the nose work will probably have to wait after I start full time, but I hope to get it done before the end of the year (depending on payment plan options and the overall cost). To be honest, my nose is the only "major" insecurity I have about my face in terms of passing, so I need to do it for myself. Getting that done will make me feel a million times better, even if it isn't noticeable to others. For now, I will thank god that makeup exists, lol.
You know, I used to kick myself for being so slow with my transition, but I'm glad that I took and am taking time. I wasn't blessed with an easy start and going too quick at the wrong moment would have been devastating for someone as emotionally fragile as myself. I needed the hormones and needed time for it to work. Without it, I may have put myself in a situation where I walked around unpassable and received harsh criticism at some of the most crutial points of everything. Even now, I do feel there is more work to be done, but I know my appearance can only better from here and that I'll pass well enough sooner or later. Anyway, I'm still holding off on going full time, but most of that is financial reasons (though I do admit that I want to give this new hrt regimen a little more time as well because it's really starting to work). Once I have my financial situation figured out and find stable employment where I know I'll be accepted and can transition, I'm getting my hair styled the way I want it (feel like bangs will help in a big way with passing as my forehead detracts a little from a feminine presentation and I may get highlights for fun :)), buying a whole new wardrobe and going full time (screw part time, I'm going all in once I'm set which is the best course for me). In any event, I hope to be at that point no latter than June (hopefully, a before that, I may have a job again in April, so we'll see) because I can only hold off my transition for so long . Yes, I'm slow, but I'm increasingly becoming more comfortable and happy which works better for me than a fast transition which would be like the death of me for those who know how I am emotionally. I'm happy that I'm handling things the way I am as it's allowing me to grow and develop in other ways that will prepare me for the final step.
Because I've always been scared my interactions with other people, I thought it would be important to document how the public or society is treating me during this phase. As of now I'm still presenting as male, but I'm fairly andro other than clothing (sadly a lot of my female clothes no longer fit well due to weight loss and body changes from hrt). Besides the fact that my appearance is much more feminine, I style my hair in a way fem way, I have noticeable breasts that I don't try to hide, my eyebrows are tweezed like a girl's, I go out wearing female body sprays, and now I even sometimes put on a little makeup (though I try to use my makeup sparingly as expensive now that I've got no income). To be honest, I've been getting looks and people have said things. It does get to me, but I'm learning to stop caring. I'm learning to love myself and no longer require the validation or approval of others in order for my own self esteem; although, this is admittedly a work in progress. Sure it's nice to have and I still very much want to avoid rejection and to get approval, but it is no longer the be all and end all. It's taken me forever to become okay with myself, but I've stoped caring about hiding who I am anymore. Nowadays I'm just me and say screw it, so I'm much more comfortable (I think the hormones played a role in that) and open with my femininity than I used to be. Oddly enough, I find it easier to talk to people and interact socially in general. Go figure. I've been so scared of letting the cat out of the bag because I'm scared of what other people might say; and now that I am, I have less anxiety around other people. This is sort of odd for me because when I was in the closet and hiding I found my differences were a source of discomfort and sometimes used against me. I've been bullied and viewed as a weird outcast in the past and have tried to keep everything with my gender hidden in order to reduce being seen or treated this way.. Yet, now that I'm letting it out more and more, I'm finding it's not so much of a big deal. Maybe it's because I'm no longer in high school and the world around me has changed, except for my mentality of avoiding being seen as different from the other kids when it was clear that I was. The more I grow past that and learn to feel comfortable with myself and no longer fear how others see me, the more I see how stupid that mentality was. Sure, I'm weird and different in many ways, but it's not such a bad thing. And I notice people are interacting with me differently. It's hard to say but men seem more gentle at times and some women give me sort of like an accepting smile. I've even received random compliments from women on my hair which is very nice and welcome ( weird for me because I used to hate compliments, except when girls would talk about my eyes).
As for the interactions between me and the people in my life (family, friends, etc) , things are mixed at best. My family is still against me being trans, but they are trying to adjust and cope. I can't say it's all bad anymore. It's just a bit tense. I'm sure my mother will have it out on me again sometime soon, but it's her way of dealing with loss. To her, my transition is like the public murder of her son. I can't change her perspective other than allow her to grieve and grow past it. That means allowing the confrontations when they arise. However, she's been so supportive and helpful with other aspects of my life that I believe she will eventually get there. In fact, she's sort of given up trying to talk me out of it, so that's progress in my book. My sisters are pretty good about everything for the most part, so no complaints there. And my father and I are finally communicating again by phone which is a great development; however, I don't know if he knows the extent of my transition. Just know he is aware that I'm on female hormones and see a gender therapist. It's bound to bubble up sooner or later. As for my social life, it remains pretty poor. I have friends that are supportive, but I don't talk to them all too often and some of them are pretty out of reach (though probably in a more I'm busy way more than anything). Honestly, I wish I had more vocal and active support through this phase as it really helps make me feel better when I have some; however, I really don't have many people in this department and don't want to be a burden on the few accpepting friends that I have. I'm sort of all on my own here (but not completely which is good I guess and I'm going to two support groups next week). In any case, I do need to get out more and meet new people and do new things in order to eventually fill this support/social gap. You know, stop being so shy and introverted with the world. I've been a little scared about that as I've been waiting to go full time before trying new things and meeting new peopele. Sort of like a a fresh beginning or chapter in my life. Also, if I wait, there will be less people to come out to and all when the time comes and can just be me without fearing judgement. Yet, I'm tired of being so anti-social which I am at the moment, so I'm a little iffy. This is especially true when it comes to dating which is increasingly becoming more desirable to me. Perhaps it's a hormonal thing, but let's say that I've been more boy crazy than ever since hrt has been kicking in. And now that valentines day is coming up it just reminds me how lonely I can get. Oh well, maybe one day I'll meet a nice guy. I just wish it would happen now because I'm tired of feeling lonely.
Another thing I need to bring up is the fact that I'm still holding some internal transphobia and feeling very inadequate when I compare myself to genentic girls. Like it or not, I will have to face the music and accept that my hands will never shrink, my feet will always be larger than I wish, I'm taller than the average woman (5"11), I can never experience pregnancy or ever secure a "female" childhood or make up for it (despite the fact that I've always been a girl). It's really hard to accept any of these things and it makes me insecure and/or left out in a big way. Then again, my mother has the same hand size as me, many women have larger feet, and having a little height isn't always a curse. It's just that I've always wanted to be seen as one of the girls and anything that makes me stand out or different in a negative way bothers me. What really gets to me the most is what I've missed out on and what I will never get to experience. While this may sound odd, I've been feeling like a kid again in many ways. Maybe it's the hormones and the sense of "rebirth" that transition provides, but it's a feeling that I can't shake. In a way, I'm a bit heartbroken to realize emotionally (logically I've always known this to be true) that I'll never get to experience things that most women do during their formative years. Perhaps some of it will happen, but not everything and the other stuff I'll be older. As for pregnancy, it's a big deal to me. I've always dreamed of having a family and to know that motherhood (on a biological level) is unattainable just crushes my heart. In a way, I have a sense of longing for a normal female childhood and for motherhood which I'll never have.. Granted, we all are unique and life isn't all bad for those of us who are trans. Yet at the same time, I can't help but still envy ciswomen (in a non hostile way) when I consider my differences for being born in the wrong body. That's something that I can never change and it will always impact how I'm viewed socially ("the gay guy") by those who know my past which is why stealth is becoming more and more desirable to me. I just want to be seen as and treated like any other woman, not as the "different one" or the out there and silly "gay guy" who chose to be a girl which is how I think many see it, including those who act supportively (you can just tell when they make the distinction). I really wish people realized that my sexuality has nothing to do with gender identity. And those who are against us and call us freaks really do get me down. It hurts and I care about what they say. I'm not expecting everyone to accept us, but there is no need to insult us or makes us feel bad. Seriously, just referring to someone with the correct pronouns and tolerating their existence the same way as anyone else is not such a tall order whether you are opposed to us or supportive. All that is required is the ability to extend the same rights and respect that you would give every other human regardless of your own personal views on them or their lifestyle. I can't help but get sad when I realize that I'll never be able to fully express myself and live my life without being under the guise of constant judgment and hate; whereas, if I was a genetic female, no one would bat an eye or give me an issue for something so simple. This is why it's so important for me to pass and live stealh; however, even in that positive scenario, this will always be hanging in the back of my mind and the knowledge of other people holding these thoughts will always make me feel bad. This is why I'll always feel inferior and insecure to ciswomen and it still deeply hurts me. It's something I have to keep working on.
Now the hardest part of everything is my financial status. By the end of 2013, I was under the assumption that I was "promoted" and would be transferred to a better position that was permanent and full time. Well during that period a hiring freeze took hold and led to me not getting the position. It was appealed, but defeated. As it stands now, my former employer will re-appeal to fill the position with me as the candidate of choice sometime early Spring when they have more revenue on their side and are in stronger position to take their case to corporate; however, there is no guarantee it will play out in my favor. It's a 50/50 thing. So, as it stands, I'm out of work and uncertain of what to do. I'm terrified to be honest. Last time I was unemployed, not to long ago for those who remember, it was horrible. No joke, I applied to an insane amount of jobs during a 6 month period last year with little to no luck and feel like the same thing is happening again now; although I've only been applying as of a few days ago. The economy is terrible and I've seen what my college degree is worth in this market. No one cares if you have strong academic distinctions with a BAor have done a lot of volunteer work/internships; they care for you to have years of direct and relevant work experience, even for entry level jobs (warning to my college peers here, don't put too much stock in your education and honors, have a backup plan). Sometimes I wonder if it was all worth it because I could have probably been better off skiping college and going into a trade school or simply just working. Maybe I just had bad luck last year, but I'm really scared of this economy and it's soured my on job hunting. This is one of the reasons I'm avoiding going full time and making any more aggressive changes to my overall appearance until I find some stability. I need to be able to pass as male in order to find work, but it's getting harder because I am changing and it's pretty noticeable. It's ironic that my goal of male fail may actually play against me in this respect. Anyway, tangents aside, all I want for the short term is something that will enable to live, develop more work experience, pay off my bills, and transition. Seriously, I want to wrk hard and earn myself money and a better future. It's getting in the door that makes this challenging. In any event, once I'm done transition and have something full time, I'll go to grad school (probably part time so I can continue working) so I can develop my future career. But I need to transition first. I just do. I'm sick of waiting and don't want to go back to the days where panic attacks were almost a daily experience. At the moment, all I can do is search and hope for the best. Maybe that other job will come around (which would be ideal because it's a supportive environment where transitioning wouldn't be a major issue and I like everyone) but in the meantime I have to look. Well, I always pick myself up some way; it may take some time and effort, but I always do. In the meantime, I'm really panicking about paying for everything. Because I try to be responsible, I saved up enough money that should have my expenses covered until May (a little longer than thanks to the fact that my mom seems to be working with me and not making me pay rent, god bless her), but it will be tough and will be harder past that point. Eventually I will need more income in order to survive, so I'm going into survival mode. Hopefully this will just be a temporary set back.
Anyway, this is how everything looks as I enter my 25th year. Some good and some bad. I guess that's just how life plays out. The one thing I'll say is that the negatives are temp setbacks that I can overcome in time with hard work. The fact that I'm finally making positive developments in areas that have plagued me on a long term basis is a sign that I'll pull through. I'm stronger than yesterday and hopefully will keep growing. In any case, I hope this resonates with others in some way and I look forward to re-reading this on my 26th birthday next year.
P.S. Whew.... that was a lot. I applaud you if you made it through. Maybe I should call myself Lady Chatterly from here on, lol. And here I thought "Ethan Frome" was the most boring thing I've ever read! ;)
well. happy birthday. You sound quite clear headed and of sound mind. Your thinking seems to have progressed quite a bit since I've found this forum. It looks like your ready for life, good luck
Quote from: stephaniec on February 09, 2014, 12:21:43 PM
well. happy birthday. You sound quite clear headed and of sound mind. Your thinking seems to have progressed quite a bit since I've found this forum. It looks like your ready for life, good luck
Thank you. :) I feel like I'm moving forward in some big ways, though there are still issues and set backs that I need to deal with.
Happy birthday. I just had one recently as well (a sucky one). I made it thru your entire essay, it was really interesting, thanks. Heard your hurting financially, have you thought about maybe looking into a crummy, min wage job part time or something for a bit to make some extra money? I've heard stories about people with degrees being unable to find work, so maybe that could help you out for a bit until you can find one or get hired back at your old place. It seems you are kinda lonely, could meet new people that way as well. I read somewhere in there that you wanted to wait a bit still to transition fully, but why don't you try to find a job as a female? Idk if you pass or not, but it sounds like you're pretty close to it now. It might be easier that way, people would get to know you as you, the real you, and not as "him". If nothing else, I imagine it would make it easier for you to do it at a better job (or start as female) when you find one, or at least more comfortable. Anyways, just my thoughts, hope it helps.
-Kelly
Happy Birthday!
It's all downhill once you hit 25! :D
what about 30? :'(
Quote from: LivingTheDream on February 09, 2014, 11:46:08 PM
what about 30? :'(
Oh, LearningToLive will still be here complaining about whatnot. Blah blah this... Blah blah that...
Or was that question for me? Yeah... downhill... still.
I just turned 30 a couple days ago. I stopped counting after 21 tho, all downhill from there
Quote from: LivingTheDream on February 09, 2014, 11:51:18 PM
I just turned 30 a couple days ago. I stopped counting after 21 tho, all downhill from there
:D
I'm 50, you're still a baby.
Oh, each year will be tougher and tougher for me. In reality, aging is part of life. I just don't like acknowledging and feeling older. So I'll survive my 30th, but I'll have some difficulty and will likely rant as Nikko said. If not here, somewhere else, lol.
Quote from: LivingTheDream on February 09, 2014, 11:21:20 PM
Happy birthday. I just had one recently as well (a sucky one). I made it thru your entire essay, it was really interesting, thanks. Heard your hurting financially, have you thought about maybe looking into a crummy, min wage job part time or something for a bit to make some extra money? I've heard stories about people with degrees being unable to find work, so maybe that could help you out for a bit until you can find one or get hired back at your old place. It seems you are kinda lonely, could meet new people that way as well. I read somewhere in there that you wanted to wait a bit still to transition fully, but why don't you try to find a job as a female? Idk if you pass or not, but it sounds like you're pretty close to it now. It might be easier that way, people would get to know you as you, the real you, and not as "him". If nothing else, I imagine it would make it easier for you to do it at a better job (or start as female) when you find one, or at least more comfortable. Anyways, just my thoughts, hope it helps.
-Kelly
Yeah, I don't mind taking a minimum wage job if need be, but that isn't ideal. Of course, I'll apply to whatever is available because I just need something. Soon enough I will work on going to grad school and have my career to look forward to. For now, I just need to live, pay my bills and afford my transition. I'd also like to develop a good amount of relelvant work experience that is more tailored to an office environment, so that's why I'm hoping to avoid the minimum wage job if possible. And I would present female if I could, but my legal name and everything is male, not to mention my degree and work experience was completed as a "boy". It's hard. That's why I figure I'll transition somewhere and develop work experience as female. Getting hired under these circumstances would be tricky without presenting male. We'll see. I'm open to new ideas as long as it moves me forward.