I spent much of the day photographing myself, and while I was looking at the pictures, I suddenly became conscious of how much I hate how I look. If the pictures were of someone else, I would think that he had an interesting look (sort of late medieval scholar, maybe), but the idea that that's me in those pictures is like a punch in the stomach. I manage looking at myself in the mirror by just refusing to be aware that the face I see is mine, and the minute I look away, it's forgotten.
Some of it may have to do with being 60 and looking it (receding hairline, white hair and beard, beer belly, etc.), but I had the same reaction when I was 20. I would look at pictures of myself and cringe. I think maybe one reason I like full skirts and loose dresses is that they hide what I look like.
I sometimes wonder if, deep down inside, I'm a trans woman, but though I've always felt that a female body is superior to a male one, I've never actually felt a strong urge for Transition (maybe because I don't believe it's possible for me. For others, maybe, but not for me.) And maybe even if I could magically exchange my body for a female one, I'd still be repulsed by what I see in the mirror, because it's me.
Anybody else have the same experience?
Body-image shaming is sort of rampant, even if we want to reject it. On some level society draws a correspondence between "being female" and "wanting to look good/beautiful," but what society promotes doesn't reflect your attitudes about gender, and with men increasingly targeted as well, that correlation is only getting weaker... and this doesn't even begin to address where androgynes (a diverse group in its own right) are in the grand scheme of things.
On some level, what we think of ourselves and others involves "filling in the gaps," and sometimes the way we imagine ourselves or others is more "perfect" than what is true. When we see the "naked truth," we can be disappointed. Many countries place value on "making good first impressions" and maintaining those perceptions at gatherings and on Facebook -- we are expected to maintain the image of our "brand" and not show weakness, even when we need help. We lie to each other, but we also lie to ourselves. It would be fine and all, except these pervasive lies inflate our expectations and typically leave us disappointed with the truth and ourselves.
You're not satisfied with the "male" look you have, even though you can "dig" that look in someone else. You've also indicated you wouldn't be happy with a "female" body, although you seem to respect that look as well. You don't sound happy with either appearance, so I think this sort of begs the question: "what do you feel you're supposed to look like?" It's tempting to feel helpless here, but it may be that your sense of self dictates wearing clothes to your liking. For example, earrings are not a "natural" part of the human body, but some people, regardless of their gender, feel they are supposed to wear earrings, and in fact they need to wear certain types of earrings to feel complete/true/assembled. People in most developed societies are so used to wearing clothes and seeing the particular aesthetic that wearing nothing can take them out of their comfort zone, and you may be in the same boat -- and dresses/skirts are simply the clothing options that deliver the most satisfying expression (just as certain people need certain earrings and hairstyles).
Quote from: Kaelin on February 16, 2014, 11:43:46 AM
You're not satisfied with the "male" look you have, even though you can "dig" that look in someone else. You've also indicated you wouldn't be happy with a "female" body, although you seem to respect that look as well.
Actually, I don't find men -- any men -- physically attractive, and naked men even less so. I have some idea of what others consider attractive, but that's a second-hand judgement. To the extent I like any men, it is for other qualities, mainly qualities that are not considered "manly." But for the most part, I see men as people I have to get along with one way or another because the world is full of them and they rule the roost, especially the "manly" men (what my ex calls "roosters.") The James Tiptree, Jr. story "The Women Men Don't See" comes to mind.
I do find most women beautiful, both physically and for their non-physical qualities. I also prefer their company, and if I could spend the rest of my life only among women, I would be content, except for missing certain male people (my sons, and a handful of male friends.)
I know I hate looking at myself, and always have. (I also hate hearing recordings of my voice.) I don't know how much is because I look (and sound) male and how much is because I hate myself and thus would hate any image that I knew was of myself. So it's possible that if my body were magically transformed into a female one, I would enjoy looking at myself. Sometimes I imagine that that's the case.
But then the part of myself that believes in the Law of Conservation of Misery says that I'd hate what I see in the mirror (or in photos of myself) no matter how I looked.
There are moments that I dislike with what I look like as well. I'm not a spring chicken any more. I'm in my late fifties and my bodies showing signs of age. I'm balding and may need to consider a wig or a hair implant. At the very least a fashionable hat. When I look at my belly I joke I might be pregnant or something. How did I get knocked up? But I have to remind myself what am I comparing myself too? What is beauty?
It's been said that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I know that what we consider beautiful is subjective and socially created. Media advertizing holds up examples of persons that are said to be beautiful when they use this or buy that. But what I have discovered is what we look on the outside has nothing to do with beauty.
Beauty is how we feel about ourselves. It's loving ourselves as a person on the inside. It's forging myself for the mistakes I make and going out and doing the best I can. It's seeing another person as a person, a beautiful human being, forging their shortcoming, and helping them be the best they can with their talents. Sometimes you need to close your eyes to see beauty in another person or yourself. That's what I believe beautiful is.
Beauty is in the eye heart of the beholder.