Do any of you girls think that staying in boy mode becomes harder after we start HRT?
I thought I could hide myself in boy mode until I was ready to go full time but each day more I feel an urge to transition. The woman inside me is screaming to get out!
My disphoria now kicks in at virtually everything I do. Only to wear my usual male clothes I already feel bad, like I shouldn't be wearing that anymore. I hate my shoes and how masculine they are. I hate wearing clothes that gives my body a square/rectangular shape...
Then I hate being called "sir" all the time!
I had a certain degree of disphoria before HRT, but some silly things like the ones I mentioned weren't bothering me all the time like they are now.
The problem is that I don't feel ready to start going full time, nor the situation I have with my family will allow that. I still need to train my voice/mannerisms, I still have a long road ahead until HRT can do its job and until I can try to pass as a female. I still have to get rid of my beard...lots of things. I know I am not ready...but nonetheless I have this growing feeling and it gets worse each day. I hope I can cope with it.
What have you girls done to help relieving this "urge", (considering that it is a common thing)?
I jumped off into the deep end of the girl pool. I dressed for one therapy appointment, had a great time came home and never changed back. I have never felt better. I originally planned to go Part Time for six months before going Full Time. I had such a good time as the real me that locking myself up again was out of the question. My Therapist could not believe I was so comfortable with accelerating my plans. We went out and about and he was in awe of my passing ability not due to looks, but confidence and sheer belief in myself. Staying in boy mode for me was too hard to even thinking about so I stayed as me and didn't think about it. ;)
Natalia
Ok,
I could have written your post.. I feel exactly the same as you. I can only wear jeans now and I bought some nice looking flashy shirts I can wear without buttoning up with a T under them.. also bought some tennis shoes that look unisex.
If I have to wear my guy stuff I get depressed and feel like crap.. In fact throwing all away this week.. I have lost so much weight does not fit anyway.
I don't know what I am going to do.
I am also not cutting my hair again.. its going long period..
I hate passing as a guy and the sir thing kills me too.
Seems I have fully accepted myself for who I am..... I never really thought that would happen but it has and HRT has changed me totally.. I don't even act the same.
Ugh!!
Carrie
Yes it does get harder. The more you change and the more your body changes it so gets harder
You could try going more unisex with your clothing. I'm about to start HRT, but I've been going more unisex with clothing for years.
For shoes, converse (if they are your style) are definitely great for both genders. My cisgendered GF has probably 12 pairs. I've been wearing them for a while, too. They are nice in that they come in LOADS of colors, probably anything you could want. Plus, they have a slimming effect on your feet. Probably a better look for younger people such as myself, but you never know.
It gets harder both physically and mentaly...
Being called "sir" etc is indeed really hurtful after hrt and also yeah wearing typical male clothes is almost unbearable , mine are mostly unisex so its kinda ok , but still wearing female clothes feels so natural now, and I imagine its only gonna get even more natural...
some other things like facial hair etc which didnt bothered me that much now I cant stand them etc...
Anyway I wouldnt say Im boy mode now, im hybrid mode and it can get painful and annoying but also can get hopeful,,,
you know having people telling me that they thought I was a girl when they saw me from affar or asking me if Im a boy or a girl, that means im on the right path,,,but having people staring at me in disgust,well thats a whole lot different story...
Also girl mode is becoming more and more eeer less masculine :/ so , again , I feel that im on the right path and I shouldnt give up
Still I dont feel ready for full time either,,,I too need to work my voice etc...
Im not sure if I ll feel the need to start it sooner , but I think I ll begin on summer :)
Quote from: ath on February 15, 2014, 09:33:41 PM
You could try going more unisex with your clothing. I'm about to start HRT, but I've been going more unisex with clothing for years.
For shoes, converse (if they are your style) are definitely great for both genders. My cisgendered GF has probably 12 pairs. I've been wearing them for a while, too. They are nice in that they come in LOADS of colors, probably anything you could want. Plus, they have a slimming effect on your feet. Probably a better look for younger people such as myself, but you never know.
Yeap I have a black pair too XD
Ditto! I am going to a wedding next week and am not looking forward to being in male mode. Emotionally I'm ready to make the jump but physically I still need more work.
I am going to wear a nice purple shirt and gray suit to the wedding though, and black pants/pink shirt to the rehearsal dinner so I am going as my "transition self" (who I call "Jayne" after the Firefly character).
I thought about going full female mode, but didn't want the distraction for the family or for this to be my first time "coming out" in full female attire. I didn't think it would be fair to the bride and groom. I'm going to wait until a family birthday party in April instead. I've waited 49 years, I can wait another 1.5 months.
Jane
I am waiting till I get my name and license changed to be considered full time. It drives me crazy when I get called sir! I am always wearing makeup. but still look like a guy wearing makeup. I hope things change enough so I can be more passable soon. I know things take time. Even people that except me as me still say he. :-\
With me it's quite the opposite. With high testosterone levels my dysphoria makes me very uncomfortable and it is very rare for thought of being female to leave my mind for any length of time.
With increased estrogen, and low testosterone, the dysphoria becomes quiet. I think "sex and gender is no big deal". I could be male or female and get along fine. I don't feel the urge to put on female "costume" because I can feel my body and know it is feminine. When I get out of the shower I look in the mirror and see a woman.
Quote from: Natalia on February 15, 2014, 04:43:49 PM
Do any of you girls think that staying in boy mode becomes harder after we start HRT?
Quote from: FalsePrincess on February 15, 2014, 09:38:11 PM
Yeap I have a black pair too XD
I wear my green and grey ones the most but I also have a burgundy/crimson pair, and a black pair.
For me it became incredibly difficult/depressing to switch back to male mode. Especially so on Sunday evenings when the nail polish HAD to come off. I cried myself to sleep quite a few times.
Many in my TG support group expressed the same feelings. It seems the usual result of the pain of switching becoming greater than that of the dysphoria led to the decision to go full time far sooner then planned
Quote from: carrie359 on February 15, 2014, 09:16:32 PM
Natalia
Ok,
I could have written your post.. I feel exactly the same as you. I can only wear jeans now and I bought some nice looking flashy shirts I can wear without buttoning up with a T under them.. also bought some tennis shoes that look unisex.
If I have to wear my guy stuff I get depressed and feel like crap.. In fact throwing all away this week.. I have lost so much weight does not fit anyway.
I don't know what I am going to do.
I am also not cutting my hair again.. its going long period..
I hate passing as a guy and the sir thing kills me too.
Seems I have fully accepted myself for who I am..... I never really thought that would happen but it has and HRT has changed me totally.. I don't even act the same.
Ugh!!
Carrie
Indeed we have a lot in common ^^ I have lost a lot of weight too and at the moment I have just a few pieces of cloth I can still wear. I need to buy at least two new pants and a few new shirts or I'll have to go out naked when my clothes become dirty. HRT changed me completely. I don't feel the same anymore and I don't regret burying my old self. I am so much happier now!
Quote from: ath on February 15, 2014, 09:33:41 PM
You could try going more unisex with your clothing. I'm about to start HRT, but I've been going more unisex with clothing for years.
For shoes, converse (if they are your style) are definitely great for both genders. My cisgendered GF has probably 12 pairs. I've been wearing them for a while, too. They are nice in that they come in LOADS of colors, probably anything you could want. Plus, they have a slimming effect on your feet. Probably a better look for younger people such as myself, but you never know.
I was already trying to dress in a more unissex style, but perhaps I should be bolder on the next time, because I still think my clothes are too damn masculine!
I only wear jeans, but the masculine cut is what bothers me...I would like to try one slim/skinny but I fear my thighs are still too large for me to try.
I always wore tennis shoes, like this one:
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimage.shopping.uol.com.br%2F300x300%2Fproduct%2F00%2F01%2F55%2F31%2F1553112.jpg&hash=1fc828a9f1d15616b072c039bf9cf99211b5c28b)
Is it too masculine? I think it is kind of unisex, because I can read the size for men and women on it. I like the converse shoes and how unissex they are, but I only see really young girls/boys wearing them (15-20 yo), so I feel I am a bit older... :'(
Quote from: Randi on February 15, 2014, 11:43:31 PM
With me it's quite the opposite. With high testosterone levels my dysphoria makes me very uncomfortable and it is very rare for thought of being female to leave my mind for any length of time.
With increased estrogen, and low testosterone, the dysphoria becomes quiet. I think "sex and gender is no big deal". I could be male or female and get along fine. I don't feel the urge to put on female "costume" because I can feel my body and know it is feminine. When I get out of the shower I look in the mirror and see a woman.
I am very happy for you! :) With me HRT lessened my disphoria in a huuuuuge degree! I feel completely calm and tuned with my real self now, and each time I see my body getting more feminine I feel wonderful! But, at the same time, HRT made me be so sure I am and always have been a woman, that everytime I need to act and be who I was, trying to be a man, I feel terribly bad...it is is becoming a struggle to act and try to dress like a boy when I know I am a woman.
If anything HRT seems to lessened my dysphoirc feelings. The more time I spend in limbo without a quite female presentation or switching the more frustrating it becomes for sure, but I think HRT actually allowed me to not go to extremes and just start showing up to work presenting female. It is like a reminder that I am on my way, and not to push it. Of course, I do get a pang of dysphoria every time I look in my closet and see that beautiful dress that I am not wearing to work...but I just tell myself soon, because HRT sorta puts a time limit on things after all I won't be able to conceal the effects are work forever (especially since I don't really do much to conceal them).
Yeah, its been getting harder both emotionally and physically. I feel the need to just make the move, but feel the need to continue making improvements before fulltime. While I've been told I pass, that is when I have makeup on. I want the hormones to have a little more time and then style my hair in a way that would make boy mode impossible and emphasize my feminine features. I'm getting there,but need a little more time and need to secure employment again first. Though I feel increasingly bad about continuing not in the fulltime and desperately want to move past this awkward phase. Then again, I'm insanely hard on myself and probably am selling myself short. I almost feel guilty whining when I realize I don't have it that bad in reality. Besides the internal struggle, I'm confusing people more and more and my physical changes are noticeable so that's a good sign even if it makes shopping a bit harder for me sometimes,lol. So it's getting much more awkward and uncomfortable being in boymode, but I'm not there yet, at least in my own mind.
People in my group want to slap me when I tell them I'm not FT. IDK when I plan to. I'm not out at work, which kind of makes it difficult. My work is already so miserable and treats me so bad that I don't even want to consider transitioning at work. I won't buy any male clothes and what I have doesn't fit me at all anymore. I also have the situation with the SO that presents it's own set of challenges. I think my biggest hurdle is having more confidence in myself and to get out of my comfort zone a bit more.
The only trans-speedometer that counts is your internal one. Go at the rate you are most comfortable with.
Quote from: TiffanyT on February 16, 2014, 05:47:03 PM
People in my group want to slap me when I tell them I'm not FT. IDK when I plan to. I'm not out at work, which kind of makes it difficult. My work is already so miserable and treats me so bad that I don't even want to consider transitioning at work. I won't buy any male clothes and what I have doesn't fit me at all anymore. I also have the situation with the SO that presents it's own set of challenges. I think my biggest hurdle is having more confidence in myself and to get out of my comfort zone a bit more.
as long as you make forward progress no matter how long it take or how small the steps are you'll get there . If I remember correctly the tortuous won the race.
Once the estrogen kicks in I would feel the calmness of my gender. Once people register me as female with boys clothes I think then I would be in total transition.
Quote from: izzy on February 16, 2014, 06:51:30 PM
Once the estrogen kicks in I would feel the calmness of my gender. Once people register me as female with boys clothes I think then I would be in total transition.
yes that will be the day
For some reason I can handle both roles with no discomfort. The only reason I think I can do that is I am self validating knowing who I am. There are strong reasons I need stealth - presenting normal male. The comfort I get is how I feel on Estrogen, knowing what is under the clothes, keeping my nails regardless, and just being me without repression.
I dunno maybe I'm a little different from most. But if you can't transition yet, knowing who you really are under the "mask" could help - it doesn't make you any less trans. Time will tell if this continues to work for me or not.
Hi Randi;
Same with me. After being on HRT for a little over 12 months (on low dose of Progynova only), my urge to transition and my dysphoria has almost completely disappeared. But I am slowly feminizing. Recently I had a health scare and had to stop HRT. The first two months were OK, I suppose as the Oestrogen worked its way out of the system, but the last month has been terrible with the GID and depression coming back in waves. Luckily I have just been given the all clear and I can start back on HRT, but I have to cycle up again.
Hugs
Quote from: ath on February 15, 2014, 09:33:41 PM
You could try going more unisex with your clothing. I'm about to start HRT, but I've been going more unisex with clothing for years.
For shoes, converse (if they are your style) are definitely great for both genders. My cisgendered GF has probably 12 pairs. I've been wearing them for a while, too. They are nice in that they come in LOADS of colors, probably anything you could want. Plus, they have a slimming effect on your feet. Probably a better look for younger people such as myself, but you never know.
I would add Dr'Martin boots to that list as well apart from my black work pair I have about half a dozen none them coming from the guys section, friends who didn't know before use to ask some questions and try to steer me away butI usually ignored them. I agree with the converse as well every time they release a new range I usually buy a new pair you can never have enough shoes or boots :)
For me the decision to go full time was made for me even before hrt. I just could no longer pass as male. Therefore I started living full time and never looked back.
First, I am so jealous of you girls who are young enough to be able to pass, or be much closer to passing than us older gals. I'm 55 and have been dysphoric since age 5 or so.. the urge.. no.. NEED, to unlock your insides WILL get stronger as you get older. Keeping it in will only get harder, cause more pain and ultimately cause you to lash out at those who care.
now, last 6mos on herbal programs have helped my mind quite a bit, and changed my face and body enough to help quell the insanity running rampant inside. And I am just a couple months from switching to script-based HRT. I have only been able to wear girl-cut jeans at home, and out, but it helps a bit. When I am at work (I travel for a living daily), dressing in the hotel rooms (but remaining inside still) also provides relief. And as funny as it seems, Burt's Bees Shimmering Lip Balm makes me smile too, helps me look a bit like the girl I feel inside. Some really cool colors too.
But still, every single time I look in the mirror, the single thing that keeps me from passing, even in a dark room... Electrolysis/laser is the one thing that every one of us will do as removing the greatest barrier.
It gets a lot harder keeping this in as you get older, but dressing the part, the honest-how-you-feel-in-your-heart-part, even if nothing more than clear nail polish, some nice girl-cut jeans from Goodwill ($5), color sneakers from WalMart (light blue piping Haley sneaks, $15) can absolutely do wonders for your mind, and still look low-key enough to not raise any eyebrows.
Will these help the urge to transition, smoothly, or not, take the edge off early? idk, I just know they have helped me.
I truly hope you find your path soon!
Quote from: izzy on February 16, 2014, 06:51:30 PM
Once people register me as female with boys clothes I think then I would be in total transition.
Yeah this is the route I'm taking. I just don't believe 'dressing the part' is enough. It's like being in a costume and people will read it.
I've placed a high benchmark for myself. I must absolutely pass.
LTL,
Yes I am going through the same thing. I don't like boy mode and its getting harder.. A trans friend of mine told me I need to get on the laser hair removal. I am mentally really moving fast..
So, E3000 in 4 weeks In Dallas Tx.. gonna hurt
Carrie
Quote from: learningtolive on February 16, 2014, 02:50:53 PM
Yeah, its been getting harder both emotionally and physically. I feel the need to just make the move, but feel the need to continue making improvements before fulltime. While I've been told I pass, that is when I have makeup on. I want the hormones to have a little more time and then style my hair in a way that would make boy mode impossible and emphasize my feminine features. I'm getting there,but need a little more time and need to secure employment again first. Though I feel increasingly bad about continuing not in the fulltime and desperately want to move past this awkward phase. Then again, I'm insanely hard on myself and probably am selling myself short. I almost feel guilty whining when I realize I don't have it that bad in reality. Besides the internal struggle, I'm confusing people more and more and my physical changes are noticeable so that's a good sign even if it makes shopping a bit harder for me sometimes,lol. So it's getting much more awkward and uncomfortable being in boymode, but I'm not there yet, at least in my own mind.
Quote from: AnneB on April 10, 2014, 01:11:55 PM
First, I am so jealous of you girls who are young enough to be able to pass, or be much closer to passing than us older gals. I'm 55 and have been dysphoric since age 5 or so.. the urge.. no.. NEED, to unlock your insides WILL get stronger as you get older. Keeping it in will only get harder, cause more pain and ultimately cause you to lash out at those who care.
I'd like to say something in response to this. I'm 49 and passing has nothing to do with age so much as it has to do with how you present and carry yourself in public. I pass easily without even trying even without makeup and my nails plain -no polish even wearing a loose fitting pair of sweats, and while 3 months and a little over 1 week of hrt has began to enhance my body shape a little I could no longer pass for male 5 years ago -long before I began hrt. The reason the statement above caught a nerve a little is I feel it to suggest that just because we are older it's impossible to pass as female, and that is just not true. While some of us are a little bit luckier than others with the face and body we have to begin with this is the same with our younger sisters as well. For some including you AnneB it just may take a little longer for the hormones to do their thing, but eventually they do and if you present yourself with confidence in your gender identity and who you really are that goes a long way toward how your perceived in the public eye. I have a couple of transwomen Girlfriends that are in their 60's who pass easily one who is over 6' tall. They are confident individuals who care little about how other see them, which seems to work well.
Yes of course I believe it is alot easier on us if we have the opportunity to transition early in life. I believe passing well is a combination of the right combination of hrt meds for your individual needs which only an Endochronologist can determine, and how you present yourself in public. I do not believe being able to pass is confined only to our younger sisters.
AnneB I notice in your post you state you've been using herbals, and have yet to start prescription hrt. These (herbals) do very little if anything at all to help with transformation. No, you need to be on the proper combination of hrt meds prescribed by and monitored by an Endochronologist. With the right meds at the proper levels you will see progress. ;)