I'm gonna talk about myself. Being the narcissist that i am, i'm gonna start a topic about me (typical), starting from my early years 'till my recent days, now that i'm almost thirty years old. And i'm not even gonna be brief, i have the tendency to write a lot (too much?) and way too many times i've been told that no human can read all the stuff i write in the forums without dying from boredoom first. But there's way too much to tell, i'm trying to express here for the first time something that i never wrote about, or i should say, something that i never really told to anyone, something that i kept strictly to myself for almost thirty long years. Can you imagine the loneliness?
So why am i doing this? Or rather, why did i wait that much? Honestly, i don't know. But i realized that so far i lived two lives, one of which was kept shut into my heart and buried for decades. It just doesn't feel right that i keep it that way, there's something inside me that wants to go out, and maybe putting on words what it's always been a seemingly neverending stream of thoughs will help me somehow. Maybe i will understand better myself, yet maybe not, maybe i just want to be understood, and for some reasons i think i've got some chances here in this forum. Maybe i just want to tell my story, because stories exist for the sole purpose of being told. It's like they have their own life, at a certain point they start to act indipendently and the humans that bear them are literally forced to tell them, write them, transform them in movies, or songs.
It all begun when i was a little child. I think i was four, but i can't be totally sure about this, my memories of that early ages are quite confused. Sure as hell i was younger than five, and i can't really remember many things before that. I can't really tell you what was my idea of gender at that time, maybe i didn't even think too much about it back then, i knew nothing about sex, i knew nothing about a vagina, i knew very little about being a man or a woman, a boy or a girl. Seriously, i was totally clueless. Nonetheless i was able to find out i could get some kind of pleasure long before i actually came to understand the meaning of "mansturbation".
It happened to me to witness the incredulity of certain persons when facing the idea of four year old kids mansturbating themselves, like it's something that can't absolutely be true. In truth this is not so uncommon as many people may think. Actually Sigmund Freud knew this phenomenon quite well. It is believed that it's something natural and in certain ways a "sane" exploration of sexuality, which is part of the development of certain children, but it's supposed to end very soon, and when it doesn't, well... that means there's something wrong. Children that keep mansturbating themselves do that in a compulsory way, even in public, and it's often a way to compensate an affection deficit.
As you might well guess, i never really stopped doing that. I do recongize i have suffered from lack of affection in my childhood, my sister did as well. However i do not recognize any compulsory behaviour. If i really have to say what it was, maybe it was a habit, a brief moment of happyness to make up for my day.
Why am i telling you this? What it has to do with a transgender forum? Why am i bothering you with a disturbing image of a kid touching his undeveloped penis?
Because it all started that way, because that was the beginning of my fantasies.
What can posibly excite a four year old kid that knows absolutely nothing about sex? Normally, nothing. In my case, well... that was the idea of being a girl.
I always did it at night, when i was supposed to sleep, unheard and unnoticed, in my bed, in the darkness. That was the perfect setup for my fantasies to take form, in a kind of reverie, for a brief moment every day, i could live as a girl. Thinking about the dress i could wear, thinking about the things i could do, i somehow felt that was fantastic. I cannot explain why it was so. It has absolutely no logic, but i felt (and still feel) that there's some kind of magic in being female, like being in a higher layer of perception and feeling. Being a boy feels like my senses are somewhat numb, my emotions are strangled, the colours are grey, the sounds are distant, the vision is blurry, and then suddenly everything changes when i just think about my life as a girl, the colours are more vivid, the emotions are true, the feelings are enhanced, i feel more positive, i feel more cheerful, i feel i can actually be happy. It was true back then as it is now.
Comportamentists will point out that by mansturbating myself while living those fantasies enforced the idea that being female brings pleasure, i cannot deny that, but why i started in the first place? Noone really could have possibly brought me to do that, at that early age... i hardly see how that can be only the result of a sort of conditioning. Plus if it was truly conditioning, it would have been the same through years, but it evolved as sexuality naturally evolves.
It is not a mistery that many transexuals (of both sex) manifest in their body appearence something that isn't quite right with their natural assigned sex, something that makes them feel they should be actually of the opposite sex. I'm no exception. When i was a little child, i often were read as a girl, due to the fact i always had a slim body, slender figure, no muscles, and a very soft and delicate skin. I never really cared at that time, i never really cared about being a boy or a girl, or maybe that's what i was trying to convince myself. During the day i was the boy, and tried to be what society expect from a boy to be, while during the night i could be a girl.
I was frightened at the idea someone could find out, so i developed an apparent hostile attitude towards anything that was "feminine". For example i never wanted to wear anything pink, i tried to assert my masculinity anytime it was threatened. Once my mother wanted me to try to put on "clip on earrings", i absolutely refused. Then when nobody was around i tried them. Basically i feared i could not conceal the fact that i enjoy to do what usually only girls can do. Saying i hated all that stuff was the perfect disguise.
I guess you know what being male means. You need to be strong (physically and mentlaly), you need to be assertive, you need to control your emotions, you should never cry, you must be cool, you must not be indecisive, you must not be passive. It was a way heavy burden for me to handle, because i was the totally opposite of all that. Yet i was convinced it was the right thing, and that i should strive to change myself so to adapt to those standards. Man... i really believed that, i really have tried, and somewhat succeded.
I've always been a very sensitive and emotional child. Till the age of thirteen i could easily start crying in public, and that was a frequent cause of humilation for me, my schoolmates were sensitive enough to make fun of me for that, often trying and forcing me to cry so to have some laugh.
My mother used to tell me i was too sensitive, she used to tell me i had to develop some kind of armor to defend myself. I wonder if that would have been the same if i were just born as a girl. Maybe they'd just let me be myself without forcing me to become something else.
There are a few episodes in my childhood that are worth mentioning. The first (my favourite) is when my sister once told me "i wish i was a boy". I promptly answered "and i wish i was a girl" (i think i was 5 or 6 back then). We looked at each other for a while and then we just kept silent. We never really talked about that again, we never ever told each other anything like that for the rest of our lives. There are many reasons for a girl to say something like that, expecially when we live in a masculist society. I don't think my sister really wanted to be a male, and i don't think my sister ever thought that in fact i wanted to be a female, knowing her i could swear she doesn't even remember that episode.
The second one is when my sister tried to dress me like a girl to have fun. It was supposed to be some kind of play, i didn't stop her then. She started by using a lipstick on me, i thought that was cool, and it wasn't my idea, so i was "safe". I enjoyed it, forcing myself to not let my sister know. Then my mother came back home and she was somewhat horrified. She told us we should never do such a thing again. That was yet another reason to keep my secret well hidden.
A major breakthrought in my fantasies happened at around the age of 11, when i first started to fully understand the meaning of sex. I did recieve some sort of education before, but i never really grasped it. What's more funny, i've heard about mansturbation before, but it was only later that i came to realize that... "oh my god, so what's i've been doing all these years was mansturbation!"
What a shock.
Anyway, since then, in my fantasies i didn't just thought i was a girl, i didn't just thought i was wearing female clothes, i didn't just thought i was living as a girl. I started to have sex, with males.
It was a vast new world to explore, but there's no need to tell any detail here. What's important is the implication of this. I should have realized that being a boy, dreaming about sex with other boys is something that only gay or bisexual do. But i never really thought i was gay, or maybe i was just in denial. I used to tell to myself that what i was doing at night had absolutely nothing to do with my "real" life. "I'm just a normal boy with some twisted fantasies, what's wrong with that? My fantasies are my own, it's something i enjoy, like a hobby, it is totally separated from the rest."
In retrospect i can only say that i was really naive. But there are some undeniable truth in the thesis: "i'm not gay".
First off, i have never been attracted by male bodies. Although i find exciting the idea of intimate physical contact with any goodlooking body (which probably makes me bisexual), it never happened to me to look at one's male body and think: wow! When it comes to female bodies, well that's a totally different story. My attention is easily caught by a nice breast, a cute visage, a well rounded bottom. It's not just appreciation, it's a totally overwhelming and somewhat compulsory force that brings me to stare, watch in awe, desire. I can look at a car and be amazed at how cool it is, but not as much as a nice female body. There's something more, something more profound, something that works behind the scenes.
Is that me or is it my testosterone?
More importantly, i've never fell in love with males, but i did fell in love with girls. That of course enforced my idea that my fantasies had nothing to do with my real sexuality. How else i could explain that? I was obviously like any other straight guy when it came about girls, i was (i am) not different from them. I was not gay, i was not a girl, i was not a wannabe transexual, i just had some twisted fantasies, that's it.
Did i try to have fantasies about having sex with the girls i loved? Yes i did, but it wasn't really "succesful". Well it worked, maybe two, three times in a row. But then i kept going with the usual fantasies. It was stronger than me, i couldn't help. I just kept thinking it was "another life", never really thought that could bring any problem to my relationships. Not like i had any chance, i always thought i was ugly. I always thought i was inadequate as a boy, i always thought i couldn't keep up with the "male standards". Now i think i was very cute back then, and it's a myth that all girls like "macho men", there are a lot out there that would rather have "cute boys", but the people around me enforced in me the idea i was ugly, and i believed them. I never declared myself to my first love.
In high school after losing my first love, something changed in me. Maybe that's because it was the start of my puberty (i were always a step behind to my peers for what concern growth. So my real puberty started at 14 years, before that i was merely a child) and it was time to me to become a man. Maybe because at that time i never really thought i'd get to the point i had to become a man. I was content to be in a sort of not well defined sex, after all there isn't much difference between female kids and male kids... well actually there is... but not as much as it gets later. So for the first time i started to seriously think: if i were a girl...
No, not just in my fantasies, i mean for real, i mean, my real everyday life. That was the beginning of a nightmare. Or was it really like that? It was wonderful to think about my life as female, but the gap between reality and dreams was devastating. It wasn't anymore just something exciting to think about while mansturbating myself, it slowly got to occupy the 90% of my thought. It was overwhelming. I must tell you this, my imagination is very strong, my daydreams can be pretty vivid in my mind, so much that i can spend hours lost in my thought, following a story i create in realtime inside my head. It's like watching a movie, and althought i am somewhat the director, the story always evolves naturally. I got to realize that my life as girl was extremely more appealing than my real life, it was what i always dreamed about and even more. I was sort of in love with my own fantasies, and it's never a good thing to have a oneside love. It became an obsession.
Noone really noticed because i've always been like that, i always space out, i always think about something, i'm always lost in some thought. However it was noticeable that i was getting more and more depressed as time passed by.
About the same period i started to crossdress. I never did it before because i never really had the chance to do it. But by then, i finally got to find myself alone at home. I started by browsing in my mother's wardrobe. After years spent thinking about how wonderful would it be to wear female dresses, i finally had the chance to do it for real, you can bet i was excited at the point i could faint. It was... pleasant... strange, weird, arousing... i don't think there are words to describe it, i kind of felt numb and confused at my first experiences of cross dressing. I couldn't really grasp it, but it felt good, different from what i thought, but it did felt good. There was also the fear that i could get caught. Maybe my mother was going to notice, maybe my parents could go home early and find me dressed like that. The latter never happened, i don't know if the first did, but noone ever said anything about it. After the first times i was getting more and more confident and bold. I've experimented quite a lot of diffrent dresses, browsing my sister's wardrobe too. I got to enjoy it more and more. I even "stole" a nightdress from my mother so i could secretly use it while sleeping.
Too bad i was somewhat limited in my secret hobby. I never put make up on my face because i feared i could not remove it properly. I also had no wig to put on my head, and my hairs have always been short. But i still thought i was somewhat cute when looking myself at the mirror, definitely not passing, but cute. I didn't think i was hideus, disgusting, and such. I smiled.
In the midst of all that i started to realize how miserable i was. I was a boy, and i wished to be a girl, so much that it hurted, but there was no way i could be one, absolutely no way. You need to understand that at the time i knew very little about transexualism. Sure i knew there was some people that "changed sex", but the media never showed them, or rather they kept showing grotesque figures of manly men in a drag. I sure as hell didn't want to be like that. I wanted to be a girl, a girly girl, a cute girl, a 100% passing girl. If only i had internet back then i could find out that it's not so hard as i thought it was. Yet... i got to the point that i started to seriously thinking about changing sex.
I was never really happy in that span of time, i managed to control my emotions so i was no longer crying in public, but i did cry a lot when i was alone. Then at a certain point i reached the bottom.
I couldn't stop crying, i couldn't sleep, i couldn't do anything, everything i saw around me could only bring me sadness, i thought i could never be happy (wait i still do...), i thought many times i should commit suicide (i never did, i never even tried). My days passed as i did nothing but living in my dreams, but rather than be comforting they were a knife in my open wound. I thought i was depressed, and i wasn't really that off the mark... it was actually gender disphoria. Lucky for me it didn't last long. Well i was still somewhat depressed, hating myself and the world, thinking about suicide now and then, but at least i was no longer unable to live. At very least i could carry on that loathsome life.
Something that helped me to get out of it was the decision to talk with someone. I talked to my mother. I didn't really told her the whole story, what i wanted to do is prepare her to idea i wanted to change sex. She tried to be comprehensive, she didn't took it that bad, or maybe she was able to conceal it. However i don't think she really understood me. Being able to tell her, somewhat relieved me from a burden, at least partially. From that point onward i started to get better, not much better, but still better. My mother however wasn't happy. Once she told me that i could still be "woman" without undergoing any surgery or treatment. Lol... she really understood nothing, and it was way too clear to me that it wasn't even worth trying. Anyway we both agreed that i wouldn't do anything untill the age of 18.
However, my body didn't really wanted to wait till then. In retrospect i should have done something before it was too late, but i knew nothing about testosterone suppressor and i wasn't ready to be a transexual yet, not while in high school. The masculinization process begun. I've always been shorter than the average, then suddenly i started growing 0.3 feet per year. I am now 6 feet tall. My voice underwent a drastically change, i have now a very low pitch, lower than average. I started growing hairs everywhere (to my disgust), and at the same time i started losing hairs from my scalp (oh the horror). My physical build also somewhat changed, enough to not make me feel confortable at the idea of being a girl with such muscles, yet not enough to make me feel like a man.
As i was closing to my eigthteens i watched myself at the mirror, i looked into my eyes and i had a serious conversation to myself: dude, face it... that's not going to happen...
I told my mother i changed my mind.
Honestly, i didn't really made up my mind. But i knew my mother wasn't happy, i thought: why do i have to keep her think i'm gonna change sex when i most probably won't? So i told her that. I didn't lie, i told her that i realized i could never be the woman i wanted to be, so i just gave up. Figures she didn't even tried to ask if that's what i really wanted, if that way i could be happy. I don't blame her though. What hurts me the most, she never ever talked about that matter to me again. It died there, that day. I suppose she just have totally forgot about that, or maybe she thinks it was a "phase", one of my strange ideas. You and i know well enough that it doesn't work that way, when someone really desire to change sex, it's for life, the total lack of any kind of even slightly successful treatment for such "social deviance" led even the psychiatirc community and the institutions to accept that gender reassignment treatment is the only way to deal with it.
My female side somewhat died that day. I murdered her.
Unlike most of you, i didn't try to be as much as feminine i could be, i tried to accept my destiny and to become a man. I forced myself.
My days at college... sucked. They totally sucked, no much else to tell about it. But that was when i fell in love for the second time. I think i told you i've always been a very emotional guy, well the truth is i can't really handle my emotions, so instead to handle them i managed to suppress them, it is way easier that way. But when an emotion is so strong that can't be suppresed, well, it literally bursts out. I loved that girl that much that i couldn't handle it. I was going to break apart, i was going mad, in retrospect i think i acted like a nut, i hate myself for that. Thinking about her was enough to make me feel happy as i never felt like, but then i couldn't help thinking i could never be with her, and that was enough to make me the saddest person in the world. So i spent my days going up and down from paradise to hell on a regular basis. That's enough to drive someone crazy. I couldn't really be myself to her because my heart raced so fast... and when she wasn't there i was paranoid about what she could think, what she could do. Honestly i'm surprised i wasn't hospitalized, i was insane. But i'm not here to talk about my loves, what matters here is that being unable to think about anything that wasn't her, i practically totally stopped to think about being a girl. Frankly i was ready to give up all of my dreams, just to be the perfect man she could love. Oh i was deluding myself so much. In retrospect i think it was totally wrong. No matter how strong a love is, it should never get to the point when one is ready to sacrifice anything he cares to be with the other, it's just not fair, not for the person that sacrifices herself, nor for the other that finds herself in such position. Yes it's cool to say "you are my only reason to live", but would you really be happy to know there's someone that's so much dependant on you that would actually stop living when you are not around? I was a fool.
But love is all about being fool, isn't it? I'm just happy i was able to declare myself, even if i knew she already had someone, even if i knew i was hopeless. That was the right thing to do, if there's something i do not regret, it was that. Some months later during a medical examination from an eye specialist, the doctor while watching my retina asked me if had a particular diseased since the last time. I can't remember what kind of disease that was, but i was surprised, i told him i absolutely had nothing. He explained to me that there are some diseases that cause a sort of neural distress. Apparently my retina was pale and that led him to think i had such disease in the past. That struck me down. I tell you this to make you believe that i'm not exagerrating when i say i can't handle my emotions, that love totally devastated me, even physically. That was the neural distress the doctor was talking about, but even i couldn't imagine that was going to affect me 'till that point, it totally left the mark!
When i stopped thinking about her, guess what? I started to think about being a girl again. Actually i still had those fantasies when touching myself, but that's it. Since my high school days i never ever had gender disphoria again, so i never really started to seriously think about gender reassignement. That however didn't stop me to daydream about it. I didn't really crossdress anymore due to many reasons:
I was sick of those dresses. My taste doesn't really matches the ones of my mother and sister (i never had the guts to go and buy a dress myself). It was too risky, and since my body changed i couldn't really find myself at ease anymore. It's not like i can be satisfied to put on some female dresses, i need to look good in them. So daydreaming was all that i could do. And it could happen to me anytime. I could start dreaming about crossdressing, being a girl and such even while strolling with my friends.
Internet opened to me a new opportunity. I thought... why i don't just go in a chat and pretend i'm a girl? The idea excited me. I calculated all the risks, and i gave myself a few rules. Then i started chatting. I went so far to create a whole background for my virtual persona. During my random chats, i made a friend, an older woman. We started talking about any stuff girls usually talk about, which of course includes sex. I didn't had many experience (actually none) and i didn't lie about that, so she was the one talking. It was somewhat exciting for me to be able to do that, girls talk, i've never thought i'd get to experience that. But then she started to get suspicious. She read me.
She wasn't able to see me, she wasn't able to hear me, of course she had absolutely no way to tell for sure i was a guy, but she read me anyway. Oh God that's fantastic!
I did not confess, but i told her if she wasn't going to trust me then i didn't want to be her friend anymore, and that's where it all ended. I did feel guilty. I guess one can say that i tricked her, i lied to her, i betrayed her. She opened her heart to me thinking i was a girl and she told me things she could never say to any guy. I felt like scum. So i decided to stop pretending. Obviously after all... i'm just a regular guy with a twisted mind. That's what i thought.
What i am now?
I don't know how to really define myself. Think about the big question: am i gay? It is pretty apparent that i like girls, and that i don't really get struck by a nice looking male body. Yet i find penis attractive, and generally speaking i find more appealing the idea of being penetrated than the idea of penetrating. Quite confusing, right? In truth i know there are other people that share that incongruency, often they are lesbians... funny isn't it? Could i do sex with a man? Of course i could, but i wouldn't find myself at ease if not in the role of a woman, and preferably being dressed up as one. That's not something gay do. Transvestites do that, not gay. Can i do sex with a woman? I did.
But i don't find myself at ease if i don't take the role of the man. So it seems like in my distorted way i look for a heterosexual relationship. Do not take me wrong, i think that lesbian and gay sex is exciting just as most men and women do, i just don't find too much appealing the idea of being part of it.
For the last years i did not really daydreamed about being a girl, born as a girl. That is of course something that is not real and can't be real. I daydreamed about the idea of udergo a gender reasignement treament, i've been thinking about my life as a transexual. It's not much different since in my ideal world i'm a 100% passing transexual. But it means i try to figure out how could be something that falls under the realm of reality at the very least. In my fantasies i only see three possibilities.
1) I am a post-op transexual who is tied to a single man (often married to him). Althought i can't really see myself "in love" with a man, i like my life and i enjoy the relationship. I am a caring wife. *blushes*
2) I am a post-op or pre-op transexual who is tied with a single woman. I love my fiancee and she loves me for what i am. It is a kind, sweat relationship, which somewhat resemble to a bond of friendship between girls, but of course there's more. Althought i have sexual intercourses with her, i can't however be solely satisfied by that, so i have occasionaly relationships with men, and she does as well.
3) I am a post-op or pre-op transexual that has no ties and doesn't want to have one. Nothing much to add about it. I often think that's what i should do, whether i want to be or not to be a transex.
I as a man.
Physically i think i am a mix of feminine and masculine aspect, that disgusts me to a certain degree. My skin is still soft for a man. My figure is still slender and my muscle mass is way below average.
I am 6 feet tall and i weight 144 Lbs. You do the maths, i'm below average even for female standards. But sure as hell i'm no anorexic, i eat more than the rest of my family, and if i eat even more, the fat all goes on my belly (damn testosterone!). It's all because of my muscle mass. I tried in the past to do some sports, even body building, but it didn't last for long, and i got no improvement whatsoever. Yet, i'm full of hairs, everywhere, a lot of them except on my head. I did felt the urge to shave myself but it's pointless. I'd need to shave myself on a daily basis and shaving this tall body of mine could take a whole day. Plus there are part of me that i cannot shave by myself. So whats the point? I live with it. Then there's my voice so low pitched, i envy my best friend, he's got a voice that could easily pass as that of a woman with some training, it's one octave higher than mine. Then my face, not really feminine, and it doesn't look good above that body. Last the hairs in my head. Man i hate them with a passion. Not like there's many left.
And my soul? As you may have figured out, i'm not feminine even one bit. My mind is pretty much the one of a guy, i have strict logic, i show no feelings (i try), i'm cold, cold hearted, sarcastic, cynical, i care about nothing. That's the wonderful man i became. But in truth, that's just a lie, that's the fake me. They didn't want me to be the way i was, i've changed myself in a way they cannot suspect i still am. It's funny. If i were a transexual, someone would say that i'm pretending i am girl, that i'm deceiving people, that i'm pretending to be something else. But the truth is i'm doing all that stuff now, as a man, but nobody really cares. However, i must say i'm so used to be that way that i can't act in any other way, so maybe i've really became like that, but deep inside i'm still emotional, i'm still fragile and weak, and sometimes that part of me emerges. You know my mother used to tell me that i was too sensitive, lately she told me that i am insensitive. "What the hell?! You told me i should be like this!"
I never and i still don't care much about my physical appearence. Why should i? I can't care less about being a good looking man. I don't really care about what i dress. My wardrobe is embarassing. I only wear T-shirts, jeans, and sport shoes. I probably still can't accept the idea of being a man, i want to be a boy forever. Sad.
Am i happy? The idea makes me giggle. Right, that's what i am now, sarcastic to the core, i laugh at my own misfortunes, a sad laugh, yet it does make me feel good somehow. Yes, i sometimes get to feel great, but it has nothing to do with happyness. "I don't care" has become my motto. That doesn't mean i don't care about others, i'm still way too much of a caring person. I don't care about myself, that's it.
My girlfriend.
Yes i have one, i've been with her for the last 3 years. Do i love her? I do, i do care about her a lot, i want her to be happy, and i try to be a good partner, i don't always succed. Often i fail to meet her expectations, and whenever that happens it hurts me, i feel anger, and irrationally i end up hating her because she wants from me more than i can give her. In truth the one i hate the most it's me.
It's not however the great love of my past. If i were to get to that point i'd probably be insane again. However sometimes i ask myself it this is true love or if it's some sort of parental love. I often tell to me that i don't really love her.
Our sexual life is a total failure! She suffers from Dyspareunia, that makes it impossible for us to have a prolonged coitus. I have told her several times she needs to see a gynecologist but she still refuses. She often cries after telling me that she can't hold any longer and i should stop. Seeing her crying works better than a cold shower. I am no better, i can't seem to be able to reach the orgasm, even after hours. I have no problem getting an erection, but i can't go further. Try to guess why! The first that answer correctly wins a nickel.
I managed to reach the orgasm trice while with her, but she was masnturbating myself, because there's no way she can resist that long with her problem. Yes it took long time, and... i had to use my imagination, you know... my usual fantasies. It requires quite a lot of imagination, trust me, and the power the isolate myself from the surrounding.
Isn't that sad?
I envy her.
When i'm with her, i try to imagine how does she feel. Knowing that, i do to her what i'd want my partner to do to me if i were a woman. It works great. I live in the illusion, that being unable to be a female, i can still live the life of a woman through her.
I had that recurrent fantasy when i was in high school. I was standing near the board of a lake, wearing a skirt and a tight black top. I was watching the sun as it was slowly setting behind the mountains. I felt cold, and i held my arms tight. That's when my special "he" came, and he hugged me from behind. I abandoned myself to that embrace, feeling a sense of protection and serenity. I felt any worry fade away, nothing could be wrong, all was going to be right. I was happy.
Whenever i have a chance, i hug my girlfriend in the same way. She really likes it. I envy her.
Yet i can't help but hate her. She is a girl, she's what i want to be so much that i could be ready to undergo years of torture (don't you all?), and she doesn't care. She doesn't enjoy it. Doesn't that make you feel angry? Oh well, wait a sec... i guess i myself make all the FtoM transex angry for the same reason. My bad.
Should i tell her? I'd rather dump her than tell her. She's a very straight girl. There was that famous guy in the news that almost killed himself with drugs, and he was found with a transexual (of course that was a very relevant particular that had to be pointed out). My girfrined asked me how could him possibly go with a trans while having such a beatiful girlfriend. She was disgusted. She also told me some funny stories about her friends hitting on trans in the disco. One of them claimed he let "her" finish the ->-bleeped-<- even after he discovered the truth. "How the hell he could do that?" she asked. Oh man! What a bunch of perverts! Ha ha ha! Amusing.
Seriously. I could only see three outcomes:
1) She grosses out and dumps me. Not really wonderful but a lot better than the other two.
2) She worries and starts to talk it to me, trying to figure out if i really want to change sex, which would lead me into a sort of forced promise that i would stay man. Then she could fool herself that it's just a twisted fantasy of mine, and forget about it, as my mother did.
3) Being the martyr type, she would lie to me, saying that it's all right and she would learn to live with it. The hell i'm gonna let her do that. I have absolutely no reason to stay with her if i can't make her happy. God, at least one of us should be...
I sometimes browse the net in order to find informations about transexualism. But more than anything else, i know, i just want to see how much succesful a full transition can be. I must be honest, not everyone i saw is passable to me, but there are indeed some cases that are well... pretty cool. The problem is i say, well, all right they made it, they are great, but on youtube i also see people that play guitars an pianos like gods. They are great, but can i ever be like that? I don't believe so. Yes i got no self esteem, big deal, i've always been like that. I just can't see it happening. Who wants to be a ugly girl? Ugly girls are miserable more than ugly boys. You gotta thanks our wonderful society for that. Girls need to be pretty, boys need to be succesful. If you are a ugly boy you can still be some kind of genius and be appreciated by the other sex, if you are a ugly girl you are doomed, period. What i really want, can't possibly be true. Say i'd get to be a woman, next thing i'd want would be to be young forever. Being a woman doesn't make you happy, sure it's wonderful, god knows if i wouldn't feel like in a dream at first, but it's not that easy. Being of the sex you want only gives you a chance to pursue the real happyness, while before you had none. But why am i telling you this? I guess you know it better than me.
There's also one thing that always bothered me. The common idea about transexuals, is that they basically are gay people, that aren't just satisfied by having sex with other men, they wish to be women. I wasn't so shallow to accept that naive explanation, but i did think that normally transexual women want to have sex with men. I knew that many transexuals reject the idea of being homosexual, and they rather see themselves as their targeted sex while trapped in the wrong body. So in the end they truly are heterosexuals, but that of course meant i was totally different. I knew that "the sex you want to be" has nothing to do with "the sex you wish to have a relationship with", i am a living example. But for some reason i always thought that a heterosexual man would never go as far as to get a total GRS. I was wrong of course, but that's something i only learned very recently. So i thought i really shouldn't change my sex, because: "i wasn't really like them". Yes you know what i've been thinking of myself? That i was disturbed. That mine was a paraphilia. In other words, i was a pervert. My self loathing side sees me like the stereotypical fetishist that wears bras and other lingerie to appease his twisted libido, and then he mansturbate himself. Am i any different? Even worse i wouldn't just be satisfied by crossdresing, i'd go as far as to get a pair of boobs to play with. Enough to make most people puke. What's more disgusting than a man that makes love with his own body? I thought that even transexuals would despise me.
Then i found out that there's something called ->-bleeped-<- (->-bleeped-<-). After reading it i thought: well... that's me. But that only enforced in me the idea i suffered from a paraphilia. However i found out i wasn't alone, at the very least. And to my surprise, i learned that ->-bleeped-<- is treated in the same way other form of transexualism are treated. So i lost one of my best excuses. There's something however i don't agree about what is said about ->-bleeped-<-, i read on a site that ->-bleeped-<-c do not really care about passing, they are happy just to have female features drafted in their bodies. I couldn't disagree more.
Then i found out this forum, and to my surprise, i learned that some of you are married, or have a girlfriend, or plan to have one. So i guess my idea of being somewhat "unique" is all due to my latent narcissism. There is also something very amusing about this forum, something i never saw anywhere else. You use your real picture as your avatar! It's amazing, but it's not hard to understand why. You must be pretty proud of what you are now, i envy you, you are great, you did something i was never able to do. But somewhat i feel relieved that someone actually made it, it comforts me.
So, did you really read everything? You have my respect. My story however doesn't have any happy ending, it doesn't have an ending at all, which is somehow worse than a bad ending. Yes, my story finishes here... for now.
In all my years, of all the many hundreds of people telling of their life, dreams, hopes and fears in the trans world, I've never read a more honest and candid story than the one you have told here. I hold the highest respect for your deep truth and insight. Thank you for sharing. Nay, more than that... a thousand thank you's for the earnest sharing of yourself and the doubts, wonder, and progressive revelations of your remarkable life journey.
You are a shining light, much wiser than you realize!
The world is a better place because you are in it.
Bless you.
-Emerald :icon_mrgreen:
Quote from: Shiranai Hito on July 11, 2007, 11:36:22 PM
I'm gonna talk about myself. Being the narcissist that i am, i'm gonna start a topic about me (typical), starting from my early years 'till my recent days, now that i'm almost thirty years old. And i'm not even gonna be brief, i have the tendency to write a lot (too much?) and way too many times i've been told that no human can read all the stuff i write in the forums without dying from boredoom first. But there's way too much to tell, i'm trying to express here for the first time something that i never wrote about, or i should say, something that i never really told to anyone, something that i kept strictly to myself for almost thirty long years. Can you imagine the loneliness?
Hi Shiranai,
I'm surprised you didn't fall asleep while writing this. :D :D I'm kidding. I think it's great that you can share so easily.
Welcome to Susan's. Your story is certainly unique. Maybe you can shake out some of the uncertainty while you're here and get a better grasp of what your nature is and how to tackle your future.
Please be certain to read the Terms of Service and to make yourself at home in the Forums and the Chat. I can't say you'll find anyone just like you, but I'm sure you'll find people who you can relate to.
I wish you the best.
Rebecca
hi
welcome to susans place
thank you for sharing so much and being so open it helps us all when we share i think and if we can help 1 person then i feel its worth sharing i know yours will help alot of us here
that must of taken some time to write if it was me my fingers would be numb
once again thank you
take care and best wishes
amanda
Welcome, Shiranai Hito, to Susan's!
I did read your entire intro and it was so late in the day I put off replying until now. I hope you get to a place where you know and are comfortable being who you are and I hope we at Susan's can help you get there.
I did much the same thing you are doing when I first realized I was trans, reading and searching for every spec of information that I could find. I found lots of wonderful info but also a lot of pseudoscientific horse manure which is what I believe the whole concept of ->-bleeped-<- is. My belief is that it's a symptom of what happens when you flood an essentially female brain with testosterone and male socialization, not a cause of transsexualism.
I'm happy to make your acquaintance and I hope we'll get to know each other a little better real soon.
hugs & smiles
Emelye
Quote from: Emelye on July 14, 2007, 11:43:49 AM
I did much the same thing you are doing when I first realized I was trans, reading and searching for every spec of information that I could find. I found lots of wonderful info but also a lot of pseudoscientific horse manure which is what I believe the whole concept of ->-bleeped-<- is. My belief is that it's a symptom of what happens when you flood an essentially female brain with testosterone and male socialization, not a cause of transsexualism.
hugs & smiles
Emelye
a lot of pseudoscientific horse manureThis is actually what keeps me coming back. Hoo Haaa! ;D
Why we wear woman cloth ? i started to wear woman cloths at the age of 12. after y mother's demise. I use to keep her clothes with me because it used to give me emotional support. i used to feel more secure my self when i used to keep those cloths besides me / or wearing them.
^_^ Welcome to susans.