Hi everyone,
For a long time (since early teens) now I've been confused about myself, my identity and how I felt about myself. i'm now in my mid 20's. I've been very unhappy with myself since then.
Let me start from the beginning, i'm sorry if this post is incoherent, but i'm trying to write down how I feel and english isn't my first language.
As far as I can remember, i've had a fairly normal childhood. Around the age of 10 (or maybe earlier) I started getting regular dreams where I was a girl. I didn't think anything of it at first. Thinking back those dreams could be about anything, about daily stuff or about weird adventures. It didnt matter, In those dreams I was me, only I was a girl. I remember waking up happy after that.
During elementary school I had about 3 male and 4 female friends which i played with often. I can't remember doing really girly things. I just played a lot.
Some years went by as puberty started. The dreams I had started to return but I dismissed them as just them being dreams, not meaning anything. At the same time, I starting to hate the way I looked when I looked into the mirror. i hated my face and my body and when my mother asked why, i couldn't give her a straight answer, only that I was not happy with myself. This feeling went on to the point of thinking about committing suicide (i was around 15 then). The dreams I had back then turned into daydreams. I felt I should've been a girl. I repressed those feelings and dreams, thinking of them as a fantasy.
Looking back I hated my puberty, i hated growing bodyhair and getting more muscular. I grew yealous of girls, the way their bodies developed and the way they looked. Still, i still wasn't sure if im transgender or if it was a fantasy.
I kept growing my nails long until my mom kept nagging for me to clip them. During the later part of my puberty and begin 20's i repressed those confusing feelings totally out of shame and fear and also because I thought that is was too late. That i would never pass as a woman, which made me more despressed because of it.
While the feelings of despression and jealousy of cis women seems to be transgender feelings, i was still fearful that it would be a fantasy. Mainly because While I identified myself as a girl instead of boy, i was never really interested in girl clothes. It would feel that it would look like a boy in drag, a joke. And i still wasnt sure if it was real or a fantasy.
This brings me to this point. This is why I decided to make an account and express how I feel here.
As I've felt very unhappy with myself. While i dismissed everything and had given up hope, the feelings returned.
Last year, I've been to a docter quite a lot with physical problems like pain in my chest and hyperventilation. The doctor thought it was caused by stress and sent me to a therapist. During the first session she asked if i was happy being male and I lied to her. Back home I intended to find out if it was a fantasy or something more. i decided to buy a womens fur vest, expecting it to be a fetish. When i got it i liked it and wore it all day but sexually it did absolutely nothing.
During the second session I told her everthing what I wrote here and she said because of the hatred i have of my own body and the fact I have a feminine personality and interests, i might have gender issues.
Sorry about my rant, just needed to vent here.
Hello meow, welcome to Susan's.
The only person who can really answer your question is yourself. Look within to how you feel. Think what it would be like to live 40 years as one gender , then 40 as the other. Imagine all the good and bad, relationships, work, friends, and most of all, how you would feel. most people are comfortable in their own skin. Some are not. The ones who aren't often seek ways to resolve that discomfort. Sometimes that means a full or partial transition, sometimes it doesn't.
If you can, search out a therapist who understands gender issues and talk to them. They can help you sort through all the feelings and thoughts. They can also help you progress after you have it figured out.
Hi LordKAT,
Thanks. ive been unhappy since puberty and ashamed of those feelings. I think part of the shame is people who will judge me and the face that i'll never pass, and that I've never had interest in girl clothes. On the other hand, i have a female brain, hate the way i currently look, and often wished I had a girls body. That is the dilemma I face. I've talked about this with my therapist and she in fact referred to a genderteam. Problem is that the genderteam won't accept patients because our government won't support them financially.
I think the bottomline is that I identify myself as female yet im afraid to dress up since I won't pass without hormones and i need a lot of work on my voice and so I would look like a boy in bad drag instead of the person I really am.
What part of the world are you in? It may be possible to help you if we knew that.
I live in the netherlands (europe). I have a next appointment next tuesday with my therapist, hopefully she can refer me to another team.
I forgot to tell that my therapist told me i looked more relieved when I finally could tell her about these issues, that it was like a burden was lifted from my shoulders. Also she had diagnosed me with (severe) depression, which she thinks my gender dysphoria is what causes it.
Last time i went out I saw myself in a mirror, and i litterally got sick in my stomach and had crying fits the whole evening while i was out having fun. Which was confusing and i sign that i really have gender dysphoria and that thinking of it as a fantasy as a way for me to deal with the shame and fear. i think i was in denial about it.
Quote from: meow8 on February 20, 2014, 04:31:26 PM
Last time i went out I saw myself in a mirror, and i litterally got sick in my stomach and had crying fits the whole evening while i was out having fun. Which was confusing and i sign that i really have gender dysphoria and that thinking of it as a fantasy as a way for me to deal with the shame and fear. i think i was in denial about it.
It seems you've answered your own question, hon. Which is usually a stronger affirmation that you know what you want and who you are than anyone telling you. Now it's just a case of what you do with that knowledge.
I wish you the best in whatever course of action you choose to undertake. *hugs*
Hiya ^^ and welcome!
Besides the dreams, many of the things you related could have been written by me. I was extremely unhappy with myself and with how my body looked. A major depression struck me and I got fat (almost reached obesity)...this plus wearing really thick glasses, having braces on my teeth and starting to lose my hair...that was too much...I was almost killing myself. My self-confidence was below the ground level.
And I was so envious of women! I would like to have their bodies, to be able to express myself like them, to be happy being the woman I felt I was! I knew I was one of them! My brain was never masculine, I was always so emotional and sensitive, I hated very masculine activities, I hated having to act like a man...and I failed miserably every time I tried to do manly things...
Quote from: meow8 on February 20, 2014, 02:57:25 PM
While the feelings of despression and jealousy of cis women seems to be transgender feelings, i was still fearful that it would be a fantasy. Mainly because While I identified myself as a girl instead of boy, i was never really interested in girl clothes. It would feel that it would look like a boy in drag, a joke.
I've been secretly crossdressing for a long time (I only had a few opportunities) and I never felt any sexual arousal coming from that either. It just felt right, as if those were the clothes that I should be wearing... but at the same time...looking at the mirror and seeing a man with girl clothes made my disphoria kick in. I did't want to look like a boy wearing woman's clothes, I wanted to be a woman wearing womans clothes! I am not a drag or a feminine boy, I am a woman.
Thank you Sephirah, Aurora and Natalia :)
well I've never really tried wearing women's clothes, because the fact that they wouldn't fit on me (and I have a very masculine face imo), it would seem like a joke and that would probably frighten me more and make me even more unhappy.
Sometimes you have to start slow, like with underthings. Presenting an outward appearance can be daunting when you have low self esteem and feel do low. you need to first feel comfortable with yourself before worrying too much about convincing others. This can take time, working past the past denial and confusion is a very soul searching thing. There is nothing wrong with baby steps such as looking at what options there are and which ones seem right to you. Not everyone needs every possible piece of treatment available, matter of fact, very few do.
You could look in to beard removal through electrolysis or laser since those are time consuming and some cis men have done it. One I personally know simply said he hated shaving and his face fur was really dark and thick.
You could look in to what HRT can do for you. If you check out the before and after thread, you will find some very amazing transformations. You could start by eating healthier and exercising. Some people ease the dysphoria by making small steps in the direction they wish to go, even when it is just research to start with.
Better yet, read some of the stories of others on this site. You will find you really aren't alone and often anything is easier to face when you aren't the only one having deal with whatever it is.
If you choose to use none of those things, at least you will know more and what your options are.
Quote from: LordKAT on February 21, 2014, 07:00:01 AM
Sometimes you have to start slow, like with underthings. Presenting an outward appearance can be daunting when you have low self esteem and feel do low. you need to first feel comfortable with yourself before worrying too much about convincing others. This can take time, working past the past denial and confusion is a very soul searching thing. There is nothing wrong with baby steps such as looking at what options there are and which ones seem right to you. Not everyone needs every possible piece of treatment available, matter of fact, very few do.
You could look in to beard removal through electrolysis or laser since those are time consuming and some cis men have done it. One I personally know simply said he hated shaving and his face fur was really dark and thick.
You could look in to what HRT can do for you. If you check out the before and after thread, you will find some very amazing transformations. You could start by eating healthier and exercising. Some people ease the dysphoria by making small steps in the direction they wish to go, even when it is just research to start with.
Better yet, read some of the stories of others on this site. You will find you really aren't alone and often anything is easier to face when you aren't the only one having deal with whatever it is.
If you choose to use none of those things, at least you will know more and what your options are.
Thanks thas is very sound advise. I've already taken some baby steps, like starting to shave my body hair. I think I need to accept myself as who I truly am and the steps I need to take to make myself happier. I'd love to try HRT to get a more female figure and facial features. About exercising, I have some belly fat but other than that im skinny. I'm 176cm/5'9 and currently 66kg/145 pounds.
Exercise isn't necessarily about losing weight or gaining muscle. It tends to help you feel happier with the body you have by keeping your self toned and flexible. It also relieves stress, and dysphoria certainly induces stress. The more changes you make, the more stress is possible, why not give yourself the best head start you can.
I tend to take a stroll through the woods every other day. Indeed it calms me and it takes my mind off things.
Exercising was great for me to both help give me a better shape and to make me feel happier. I feel quite good while I am walking/running or riding a bycicle! I feel freedom.
I live in a very crowded and poluted city, but there is a huge and nice park where I can see the nature and breath some fresh air (or at least less poluted air). After you start exercising you won't stop. Your body will want it and your mind will ask for it!
If this is not enough to make you motivated, think that the more weight you lose, less masculine your body will look (but don't train your upper muscles!). If that makes you happy and feel better with yourself, then that's a good start ^^
And I feel even better when I check my weight and see that I've lost a few pounds! But...besides coming down from around 83kg to 66kg (170cm), I still have a belly that don't want to leave my body. It is way smaller, but it is there! urgh!
I just got back from a 3 hour hike through the woods. It was nice. Emily, may I ask why is it harder to lose weight while on estrogen?
Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on February 21, 2014, 01:45:21 PM
Because it is the way Nature works :). Perhaps, I was not really clear - it is hard not because of estrogen, but because of lack of testosterone. Men have crazy metabolism and build up muscle easily and this because their system is run by testosterone. Pre-HRT I could eat all kinds of junks, exercise irregularly and still be in good shape just because of the testosterone baseline which kept things in check. Now, my testosterone level is within medium-lower female range and I just can't afford to things they way I did - I have reconsidered eating habits and diet, I do exercise and even then there is a struggle with each pound - unless I simply starve myself, but that's not really a long-term option.
I see, I didn't know that Testosterone affected the metabolism so much. This is definitely something I'll have to keep in mind. Thank you :)
I'm trying, but my belly fat won't disappear :(
Thanks, I will keep that in mind.
Whenever someone asks that question here, the answer is usually yes. The million dollar question is, what, if anything, do you want to do about it? That is the hard question that no one else can answer but yourself. Seek therapy and try to find the answer to that one. Just because you have a cross gendered mind doesn't mean you to change your body. Some people can find happiness being part time. It seems to work for a while at least. For others, it would unbalance their life so much that they decide it is best if they don't. For some, it is like they don't even have an option. For myself, I am moving slowly and seeing how it goes, baby steps.
In terms of weight loss, the body protects itself from toxins by storing them in fat tissue. That is why it is important to detox when trying to lose weight. Otherwise, the body will want to gain the weight back in order to protect the vital organs from the toxicity.
Quote from: Michelle123 on February 21, 2014, 04:49:31 PM
Whenever someone asks that question here, the answer is usually yes. The million dollar question is, what, if anything, do you want to do about it? That is the hard question that no one else can answer but yourself. Seek therapy and try to find the answer to that one. Just because you have a cross gendered mind doesn't mean you to change your body. Some people can find happiness being part time. It seems to work for a while at least. For others, it would unbalance their life so much that they decide it is best if they don't. For some, it is like they don't even have an option. For myself, I am moving slowly and seeing how it goes, baby steps.
In terms of weight loss, the body protects itself from toxins by storing them in fat tissue. That is why it is important to detox when trying to lose weight. Otherwise, the body will want to gain the weight back in order to protect the vital organs from the toxicity.
I want to change my body so that it matches with the way I feel inside. The odd thing though, is that I never was interested in womens clothing, perhaps from fear that I was afraid of looking like a guy in drag, but it's just that my body feels wrong :(
QuoteBesides, usually people do not question their gender, they simply dont have reasons for that.
If this is what you strive for then you just described transgender nirvana.
Quote from: ana on February 22, 2014, 08:55:44 AM
If this is what you strive for then you just described transgender nirvana.
Sorry, English isn't my first language, what do you mean by transgender nirvana?
QuoteSorry, English isn't my first language, what do you mean by transgender nirvana?
I meant to say that being transgender means dealing with constant gender dysphoria, so to achieve gender alignment is like a religious quest. Once reached, then its like a spiritual awakening which I refered to as Nirvana.
Some of the best advice I was given is "You are who you say you are". Don't look for reasons to justify who or why you are. If that's who you feel you are then that's who you are.
Quote from: ana on February 23, 2014, 03:04:39 PM
I meant to say that being transgender means dealing with constant gender dysphoria, so to achieve gender alignment is like a religious quest. Once reached, then its like a spiritual awakening which I refered to as Nirvana.
Yes, i'm at the beginning of that quest, but now that I have accepted myself of being trans, the path before me has opened up. Although I am not sure how to take the first steps. i need to contact a gender therapist but it could take 6 months to get an intake, and a year after that to get diagnostic treatments so all in all it could take 2 years to begin hrt.
I still look completely 100% male at the moment, im 25 now and i'm not sure which steps to take first, if i ever pass at all since i'm post puberty with a very deep voice. :(
Quote from: meow8 on February 20, 2014, 02:57:25 PM
Hi everyone,
For a long time (since early teens) now I've been confused about myself, my identity and how I felt about myself. i'm now in my mid 20's. I've been very unhappy with myself since then.
Let me start from the beginning, i'm sorry if this post is incoherent, but i'm trying to write down how I feel and english isn't my first language.
As far as I can remember, i've had a fairly normal childhood. Around the age of 10 (or maybe earlier) I started getting regular dreams where I was a girl. I didn't think anything of it at first. Thinking back those dreams could be about anything, about daily stuff or about weird adventures. It didnt matter, In those dreams I was me, only I was a girl. I remember waking up happy after that.
During elementary school I had about 3 male and 4 female friends which i played with often. I can't remember doing really girly things. I just played a lot.
Some years went by as puberty started. The dreams I had started to return but I dismissed them as just them being dreams, not meaning anything. At the same time, I starting to hate the way I looked when I looked into the mirror. i hated my face and my body and when my mother asked why, i couldn't give her a straight answer, only that I was not happy with myself. This feeling went on to the point of thinking about committing suicide (i was around 15 then). The dreams I had back then turned into daydreams. I felt I should've been a girl. I repressed those feelings and dreams, thinking of them as a fantasy.
Looking back I hated my puberty, i hated growing bodyhair and getting more muscular. I grew yealous of girls, the way their bodies developed and the way they looked. Still, i still wasn't sure if im transgender or if it was a fantasy.
I kept growing my nails long until my mom kept nagging for me to clip them. During the later part of my puberty and begin 20's i repressed those confusing feelings totally out of shame and fear and also because I thought that is was too late. That i would never pass as a woman, which made me more despressed because of it.
While the feelings of despression and jealousy of cis women seems to be transgender feelings, i was still fearful that it would be a fantasy. Mainly because While I identified myself as a girl instead of boy, i was never really interested in girl clothes. It would feel that it would look like a boy in drag, a joke. And i still wasnt sure if it was real or a fantasy.
This brings me to this point. This is why I decided to make an account and express how I feel here.
As I've felt very unhappy with myself. While i dismissed everything and had given up hope, the feelings returned.
Last year, I've been to a docter quite a lot with physical problems like pain in my chest and hyperventilation. The doctor thought it was caused by stress and sent me to a therapist. During the first session she asked if i was happy being male and I lied to her. Back home I intended to find out if it was a fantasy or something more. i decided to buy a womens fur vest, expecting it to be a fetish. When i got it i liked it and wore it all day but sexually it did absolutely nothing.
During the second session I told her everthing what I wrote here and she said because of the hatred i have of my own body and the fact I have a feminine personality and interests, i might have gender issues.
Sorry about my rant, just needed to vent here.
Meow - let me just add one observation from my own life experience. People who
do not have gender dysphoria generally don't have these sorts of self-identity questions pop up over and over again.
I can tell you, that I first felt these sorts of things when I was 11 or 12 years old, and it was confusing. I found ways to cope, but in retrospect, I wish I had been able to tackle them head on when I was young.
I read somewhere that the average age of MtF transition is about 40 years old. So 25 is still young in my book.
Thank you for your reassuring words :)
Although I am not sure how to take the first steps. i need to contact a gender therapist but it could take 6 months to get an intake, and a year after that to get diagnostic treatments so all in all it could take 2 years to begin hrt.
I still look completely 100% male at the moment, im 25 now and i'm not sure which steps to take first, if i ever pass at all since i'm post puberty with a very deep voice.
I'm guessing that beard removal and wardrobe would be a good start.
Quote from: LordKAT on February 23, 2014, 04:33:39 PM
I'm guessing that beard removal and wardrobe would be a good start.
Yes about wardrobe, i'm still closeted to my family and environment. Also I've never crossdressed before so i'm not sure where i should start.