This is only my second post on this site. But for once in my life I think I might be able to help some one. I'm not crying for attention. I just want to help. Nothing more.
When I knew there was a difference between genders, I knew I was the wrong one. It was so clear to me. I was smuggling my sisters dresses and her dolls from her room. The dresses fit so nice and the dolls allowed me to feel like I was nurturing something. I had no interest in fake guns at all. Death and destruction were not my thing! I had more interest in something needing me. I loved those dolls as silly as it makes me sound.
I dealt with this in secret for many years until I was smuggling my mothers clothes. I watched my back and never got caught. But the pain never stopped building up. It only got worse. Year after year. I decided to right myself. To become a man or die trying.
I shipped out for boot camp 2 months later. I knew that was the fix. How could it not be? It was all I had. I had to fix my brain. My gender. My life. And I made it. I survived boot camp. I survived 2 months without doing anything slightly girly. I was a man finally!
Until 5 months later. I was at my new base. Bright eyed and bushy tailed. Making friends. Hanging out. I was introduced to alcohol. That demon. One night while drunk, all of the urges I had fought with for years came back with a vengeance. I knew I wasn't done with Jill. She would come back to haunt me. Of course, she is me. I just didn't know it at the time. Actually, I did but I didn't want her. I tried suicide. I cut hard and deep. As I bled, I was busted. I passed out right as my room mate walked in early from work. I woke up restrained to a hospital bed with my chain of command at the bed side. They were worrief about me. I was in tears while I lied to them.
"I don't know what happened. I lost it. Maybe nightmares. I don't know. "
Any lie I could utter to keep Jillian hidden. I got through the life saving procedures and a 72 hour hold in apsych hospital. I lied and got released. I blamed it on nightmares which wasnt true at all. Before long I was released back to my unit. It was time to man up. I dealt with the stigma and withi months got to be a "real man"again. I even signed up for a dating site. Little did I know that was the move that would change my life forever. I met s wonderful woman who I tried to date. She knew something was off with me and confronted me about it. I decided to be honest. I told her everything. Jillisn started to become a real person. And my new friend loved me for it. She loved Jillian. And I started to also. I had for the first time in my life loved myself.
There is much more to this story which I would be glad to tell if asked. And I did cut it of rather quickly. But the moral is love who you are. Death, boot camp, or self loathing won't change it.
Glad you are still with us. :)
I'm learning to love who I am.
I'm glad you shared your story with us. I'm also glad your friend got to you in time. Even though my story is not exactly like yours, I to had tried to force myself to be "The Man". Did everything I could think of that was extra manly, didn't work for me either. I never actually attempted suicide, I was in the process of killing myself one bottle and one pill at a time. It wasn't pretty and probably would not have been much longer. Sometimes it takes the love of someone else to make us realize we truly are worthy of our own love. Thank goodness for my wife & daughter. And again thank you for sharing.