Someone asked me today where I am up to with my transition. This is not something I have really ever been asked before, or at least it's not something that's bothered me before.
Is this a question that anyone else has been asked and does it bother you? I guess the question is harmless, I understand that people are human and I usually find it to be a positive sign when people show an interest, it can be a chance to educate someone about something they might not understand but I just couldn't answer the question. I don't know where I'm up to, I've never "measured" my transition on a scale. I guess people find it easier to understand if they "know where we're up to" but...is it really any of their :icon_censored: business, and does it make any :icon_censored: difference?
I've had family and friends ask me the same. They wanted to learn about the process so I took it as an opportunity to educate them. I would think the question was more "where are you in terms of what you want in your transition?" Like, how far away are you from any desired surgeries. I wouldn't take offense. If the person asked because they care about you, it could have been asked in an effort to show their support.
That being said, I find very little offensive and tend to give people the benefit of the doubt.
It would only bother me if someone who didn't know I was trans asked me. Other than that, depending on my mood at the time, I would either feel not bothered at all, or maybe a little pleased that someone's interested! I can talk about myself all day long lol
I would not find it offensive unless asked in a pessimistic tone of voice. As a Paramedic I heard a lot of people ask how someone was progressing and while being a fine line at least it came through as honest concern on their part. If it is a friendly encounter I have no problem at all filling them in. Quite a few of my friends now know more about trans issue's than a lot of medical professionals! :)
Once I was passing and had my documents changed, I considered myself fully transitioned. If they are inquiring about your surgical status, then that is veering into questions you don't ask territory. Does anyone ever ask a teen boy how big his penis has gotten? Or if he has finally ejaculated? Do people ask girls if they started their period? Well, yeah, some do, but aren't those pretty rude and invasive questions? Something only a doctor might need to know, or maybe a parent?
I had a coworker ask me recently, 5 years in, that if I'm in a relationship with a man (I'm gay) if that was considered a straight relationship? And then she asked what happened to my boobs? Um, NOYB?!
Jay
I don't find this question offensive at all. I'd much prefer to people repeatedly calling me "she" even though they have only known me as male which is what I get instead.
i think people might find it offensive because it's like someone is measuring how trans someone is or how much of a man/woman someone is. like..oh..you aren't getting surgeries? starting hrt? etc. but i don't think it's meant to be that way but i could see hwo it could come off as judgmental and why you'd be offended.
hmm if you're not sure if you're offended or not then why bother putting forth the effort into being offended?
I do see your point though... (as other people have mentioned) for the reasons of being like...okay but what if I hadn't done that yet would it really effect your life? no.
If it was someone that was close to me it wouldn't bother me. If it was a stranger then I would be offended because not only is my medical history none of their business (like asking a stranger "what happened to you" when you see they have an obvious medical issue) but it would also be a bit of a crushing blow that I wasn't as stealth as I thought.
Quote from: jonjon on February 28, 2014, 07:38:03 AM
It would only bother me if someone who didn't know I was trans asked me.
this. If someone didn't know I was trans, I'd have to walk away or I'd probably freak out on them lol. If someone knew...well, I'd be a bit bothered because I don't want to talk about being trans, period, with the exception of on this website.
Quote from: birkin on February 28, 2014, 04:37:37 PM
this. If someone didn't know I was trans, I'd have to walk away or I'd probably freak out on them lol. If someone knew...well, I'd be a bit bothered because I don't want to talk about being trans, period, with the exception of on this website.
ditto
I guess I don't find it offensive because I figure that people don't understand and I'd rather be asked that with interest than have people not care about something important to me. But I do think it's a little silly. For example, today a family member who hasn't seen me in awhile asked if I was done transitioning. I don't think I'll ever be 'done.' Even after I pass all the time and there's nothing left to do surgically, I'll always have to deal with being a transman in one fashion or another.
Quote from: Edge on February 28, 2014, 08:33:10 AM
I don't find this question offensive at all. I'd much prefer to people repeatedly calling me "she" even though they have only known me as male which is what I get instead.
Oh that would drive me nuts. Have you asked them to please use masculine pronouns? I had to do that for a classmate and she switched pronouns immediately :) If she hadn't, I would have been tempted to get louder about it, ie immediate correction in front of people.
And I agree with a lot of people on here. If someone knew I was trans* and asked in a reasonably polite and curious way, I would be very pleased to share with them. Intention behind the questions makes a big difference. If they start going into genitalia etc then it starts getting too invasive (unless they're a very close friend and you have that sort of sharing relationship I guess)
Well I guess it is a more polite thing than, as one person did on my FB wall, asked me about "the surgery". I don't think it would be too bad, think I have been asked that. But I wouldn't like if it were too frequent.
--Jay
Quote from: Polo on February 28, 2014, 10:54:27 PM
Oh that would drive me nuts. Have you asked them to please use masculine pronouns? I had to do that for a classmate and she switched pronouns immediately :) If she hadn't, I would have been tempted to get louder about it, ie immediate correction in front of people.
Repeatedly, immediately, and in front of people. I've also threatened to start referring to them with the wrong pronouns if they continue.
The way I see it, a cis friend politely and curiously asking me where I am in my transition is no different from someone on here asking.
Quote from: Edge on March 01, 2014, 10:13:41 AM
Repeatedly, immediately, and in front of people. I've also threatened to start referring to them with the wrong pronouns if they continue.
Haha I've had that urge myself, though immediate correction in front of people seems to work better for me, most people don't want to offend you by using the wrong one. It helps if others who support your true gender are present: a whole group of people calling you 'he' will change most people. If you've privately AND publicly called this person/these people out though and they continue to misgender you, it's really disrespectful on their part, and you can maybe pursue other avenues (ie filing a harassment complaint in the case of coworkers/classmates) or at least resort to wrong pronouns lol good luck with that.
@ZombieDog: Cis people are often a little silly when it comes to trans issues; but people only know what they're taught or learn for themselves, and transgender education isn't really standard curriculum material. I just try to educate them as best I can, and hope that they can teach other curious people in the future.
Thanks for everyones input, it's interesting to see how others feel about it. I'm not often asked that question, my family and friends will ask me how I'm healing after a surgery but that's it, I'm loved and accepted by them as Nick period.
(I couldn't ask for a better family, when I left Australia for stage 1 phalloplasty in Serbia last year we had a going away party where my cousins wife made a very heartwarming speech about they families love and support for me. She also gifted me with a small teddy bear that was gifted to her baby daughter for luck when she was having brain surgery - that was a pretty huge and selfless thing to do. Everyone was in tears, it was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.)Quote from: GnomeKid on February 28, 2014, 02:27:34 PM
hmm if you're not sure if you're offended or not then why bother putting forth the effort into being offended?
I do see your point though... (as other people have mentioned) for the reasons of being like...okay but what if I hadn't done that yet would it really effect your life? no.
I'm not easily offended by peoples questions or even their ignorance anymore (my biggest hater is definitely myself), I just wanted to know how other people felt about it and how other people answered it as it made me think, if I haven't yet had ALL surgeries possible then does this mean I've not fully transitioned into a man yet? Does this mean all the transgendered people out there who cannot afford or choose for personal reasons not to have any or all surgeries do not have the right to be considered their identified gender because they haven't "completed their transition"?
I've always thought that being "fully transitioned" was something we decide or feel for ourselves because personally, for me the only time "fully transitioned" was a thought in my mind was before I started passing which was years ago now.
Hmm...maybe my question title should have been about being measured on transition scales or something like that as that's what was bothering my head the other night.