Hello, I usually just lurk and read posts, not much to contribute to any conversation since I'm kind of in a static spot at the moment.
I know it's always hard to lose a relationship, but I was wondering from those that have transitioned and lost their relationship with a SO or spouse, if they feel transition was worth it? I've been with my girlfriend for just under 7 years and she's applying pressure to get married but I'm completely resistant because she's aware of the fact that I'm trans but doesn't approve. So that entire aspect of my being is something that I have to hide from her all the time--and I can't imagine going the rest of my life never experiencing getting to be me 100% of the time. I'm currently on tour in Europe with my band and a few things have me questioning what I should do in the future: I just found out that she decided to do a purge of all my things without asking which wasn't appreciated. I also find myself more and more just looking at women with envy, wondering why I keep myself in this position of portraying myself as someone I'm not instead of living as who I am--it seems the only reason is to keep my relationship.
So while I'm trying to figure out what to do when I get home I thought I'd see what others experience have been regarding the loss of a close intimate relationship due to transition and if you thought it was worth it in the end?
You're in a real difficult time and place in pre-transition. Those of us who have, or have had an SO were all there at one point, and it's a terrible thing to worry about.
So from experience I can only say your GID will only increase as you get older, and all those things you think you might be able to hide for a few years will begin to overwhelm you. Maybe you have a stronger will than I did, but after 35 years of marriage I had to walk out. After all there's obvious problem with expecting support from your SO when you do get overcome by GID. And unless she's there, and 100% supportive for you now it's not going to happen in the future.
A girl I know had been married 5 years, and her wife was fully aware of her trans desire, background, and the short periods in her life that were spent as a part-time woman. It didn't matter how much her wife knew, because when it came down to beginning transition everything had changed. She's been on HRT for a little over 16 months, and they signed the divorce papers three months ago.
Take care and have a great time in Europe with the band. I hope the best for you.
I see a few worrisome things in your post.
The first one is that you are considering getting married when you know that you are trans.
The second one is that you already know your girlfriend is not accepting of you being trans.
The third one is that you are already looking down the road at the possibility of divorcing a woman that you haven't even married yet, which is not a really great way to begin a marriage.
I am transitioning and I lost my wife of 27 years; she was just not interested in being in a lesbian relationship and she was no longer sexually attracted to me once I told her about me. Both of these were fair points and I could not argue with them.
Was it "worth it" - I admit that there are still days when I go back and forth on the issue. My alternative was to keep drinking myself to death, so given a choice between that and losing my wife and still being alive - i'll choose life. I really loved my wife and it crushed me when she left. Life goes on though, and I have begun to pick up the pieces and move on. It wasn't so much of a "worth it" thing; it was more of a "have to" thing to preserve my own self.
One grim statistic about being trans is that it just does not go away. With the prospective girlfriend in the picture and the trans issue sticking it's head into everything it will eventually become a very ugly situation.
My advice to you is to cut your girlfriend loose now and start addressing the trans* elephant in the room. It would be totally unfair for you to marry her knowing what you know about yourself, and knowing how she feels about it - you would be starting a marriage with a lie. You already know that it cannot possibly work going forward.
If she knows that your trans and doesn't approve then she isn't approving of a part of you.
Purging all of your things whilst you are away makes it sound like she's trying to change you into what she wants you to be rather than accepting and loving you for who you are.
If you've been with her for 7 years I think she matters a lot to you, the question I would ask is how much does the real you (whoever that maybe) matter to her?
I feel that I've been through something similar but on a smaller scale.
The longest relationship I've been in lasted about six months (I've just turned 22).
My SO at the time tried to get me to do something which I knew was stupid. I tried explaining to her why it was a bad idea but she didn't care and just kept on at me to do it. When I told her no and how she had hurt my feelings by ignoring my point of view she got angry with me insulted me and just refused to talk about it further.
I came to resent her for not caring about how I felt and started wondering why I was with someone who doesn't care who I am. The relationship dragged on for another few weeks in which we saw less and less of each other but I knew that the relationship was over for me.
I have a feeling that if she browbeats you into denying who you are then similarly you will come to resent her for it.
I'm not sure how long a relationship in which one party ignores the others feelings and the other resents them for it can last.
For me it wasn't very long.
I'm aware that 6 months doesn't compare to 7 years, I'd just like to ask you, if she can't accept you for you, then is she really with you at all?
My personal story is I lost a 16 year spouse. At first she accepted and helped, but then it turned to anger over how people would view HER. I delayed transition for a long time and every day I grew angrier because she could live like she wanted to, but I was supposed to live like she wanted as well. This only breeds contempt for your spouse and infuriates the Dysphoria monster to a level where it gets to a "live or die" issue. Just from what you wrote my future is your future if you marry her. I would very strongly advise you to consider how bad you really want to transition because she will NOT accept you in the future, period, and has made that fact known.
Before I came out to my wife, I was with her for 6 years (at the time) and she was very closed minded. Experiences with my overly-activist younger brother who I believe falsely labels himself as a part of the LGBT community which i doubt because his form of execution suggests that he's looking for attention rather than struggling with a part of himself the world might not accept. But I digress; after all the constant lecturing my brother would give me and my wife about gender and orientation and things like that, and also after my wife and brother having fought it out almost physically over something that took place between our dogs, my wife learned to associate anything in relation to gender issues as an annoying topic. So to her, just the fact that I might be anything other than male was an annoyance and not worth staying.
I struggled with it for months, I told most of my friends before i even told her... At some point i realized that our marriage was already in trouble because i was always constantly depressed and having panic attacks, and I was always angry and we would always argue... at some point i decided "if i stay this way, my marriage will end eventually, and I'd rather die than live the rest of my life as this male person". So i came out to everyone and anyone, including my entire family, my wife, and at work, because in my head, if i was going to live a lie for the rest of my life, i may as well be dead. I risked losing my job, my wife, my friends, my family... and in the end I ended up almost losing my marriage, and i lost my best friend of more than 11 years, indefinitely.
People in my town talk endlessly behind my back (its a small town) and I'm practically the joke of my generation in my town, all my friends from high school who I was acquainted with, all made the assumption that i'm a freak or that respect for me is no longer applicable. But was it worth it? ->-bleeped-<- yes it was worth it.... I can wake up and not feel like my life is an atrocious lie, I can see a future in my life, i'm no longer depressed or suicidal.... My life has gotten more difficult and because of my transition, a lot of friends "cant invite me over to their house" (they still live with their parents) and it hurts to watch all my friends have fun in someones house that I can't go to.... but when I go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning, i know who and what I am finally after 23 years of confusion and anger and being lost. I was lucky enough that my wife realized that the person she loves is still me, just not the same gender.
Now, she's more excited about my transition than I even am :laugh: and she corrects people who misgender me, she even refers to me as her wife. She even gets more upset when people refuse to properly use the correct pronouns.
Me and her took a 2 month break back when it was all falling apart, before the break i had come out to her 2 months prior. After the break she realized that she fell in love with my soul, not my gender, and because of this we were able to move forward, and I can honestly say that my marriage is stronger than ever. But even if I would've lost her, that wouldn't have stopped me, because I even told her when i knew what I wanted the following: "If you can't be happy with me, i wont force you to stay, i just want you to be happy and get what you want out of life, just like I'm doing right now, even if its not with me."
I was willingly risking it all for the sake of finally being happy after 23 long and painful years of misery and feeling like i have a cancer in my mind.
To answer your question, simply, I had to transition. I couldn't face more years of living as a man. Yes I lost my wife of 21 years, but that was her choice. I could control whether I transitioned, but I couldn't control what she does.
Do I regret it?
Not for a split second.
I am exactly where you will be in 30 years - just last month I came out to my SO 0f 37 years (I'm 59). I knew all along she did not in any way want a female spouse, even one who was female inside only. She too used the words "lesbian relationship". She is currently using a number of methods to manipulate me into denying myself and purging completely. She won't go past metrosexual. It's not merely that she doesn't want to see it, she wants confirmation that it isn't even in my head, including fantasies during sex. If she is so dominant in the relationship that she feels she has the right to purge you herself, you are in for as rocky a ride as I am having if you stick with her. I hate myself for having been deceitful for so long - but that was what I thought was the deal. Your SO is right now setting up the conditions for your relationship. This is what you will need to agree to now and forever.
Although it may seem minor now, how much you choose to transition, if at all, is irrelevant. Don't worry if you don't know far you wish to transition. Know only that if you can't even feel what you feel and accept who you are, then your relationship is poison in the long run.
Metta for you during this most painful time.
I could never transition at the expense of not having children. Now that I have children, I won't transition due to the potential harm it could have on them. These are all personal choices we each have to make. Best thing to do is put together your two column list of pros and cons, then go from there.
Thanks for all the replies, there's lots of valuable knowledge to absorb and think about. Didi, so much of your story hits close to home and sounds familiar to what I've been dealing with. It makes me sad to know that so many of us have to face losing such big parts of our lives but there's also solace in hearing the positive feelings of self affirmation that come afterward.
I don't think it's fair for either partner to pretend to be someone they are not. My wife is not a lesbian and asking her to present and live her life as one would be selfish of me. Just as it would be selfish of her to ask me to continue living my life as a man when I am not. Choosing to continue our relationship would result in one of us ending up an unhappy self-loathing empty husk of themselves. I once thought I could be strong and just live as a man without anyone else being affected--I was kidding myself. The truth is that when I was depressed and miserable with myself I wasn't able to give the others I cared about in my life the love and affection they really deserved. I mean sure, I love my wife and kids and have spent plenty of time attending to their needs. But there are also many times where I've been distant and not in the mood for intimacy. My wife picked up on that and began to doubt herself. She has self esteem issues and they spiraled out of control. She used to tell me on a daily basis that I didn't love her or that I didn't think she was beautiful. I'd reassure her otherwise but that stuff ate me up because I knew that at least a good part of the reason behind her claims was because I often wasn't up for sex with her.
About 7 years into our marriage I came clean and told her about how I've always felt I should be a woman. I wasn't ready to transition at the time and so we both just recommitted to the marriage and trying to make things work. Unfortunately, it was just another 7 years of the same. I felt as though I'd regressed and was back to just pretending. Except this time she was pretending that nothing was wrong too. It was all kinds of jacked up. I finally decided I needed to come to terms with my transgender feelings and explore them fully. I'm glad I did. I found that I was happy presenting as a woman, so much so that all my fears about passing and how others will treat me just fell away. I may still deal with that ->-bleeped-<- when I do transition, but I know now that all that negativity will be eclipsed by the happiness and peace that comes from living authentically and with integrity.
Anyway, I'm veering a bit off the subject here. In an ideal situation I believe that the best course of action is for both partners to recognize that they love each other and that neither one wants the other to be unhappy and miserable. Inevitably this means splitting up if they aren't compatible, but on amicable terms where no one is faulting the other.
Granted, that is the ideal situation. Sometimes one or both partners aren't mature enough to see it that way.
Quote from: DiDi on March 06, 2014, 09:48:03 AM
I am exactly where you will be in 30 years - just last month I came out to my SO 0f 37 years (I'm 59). I knew all along she did not in any way want a female spouse, even one who was female inside only. She too used the words "lesbian relationship". She is currently using a number of methods to manipulate me into denying myself and purging completely. She won't go past metrosexual. It's not merely that she doesn't want to see it, she wants confirmation that it isn't even in my head, including fantasies during sex. If she is so dominant in the relationship that she feels she has the right to purge you herself, you are in for as rocky a ride as I am having if you stick with her. I hate myself for having been deceitful for so long - but that was what I thought was the deal. Your SO is right now setting up the conditions for your relationship. This is what you will need to agree to now and forever.
Although it may seem minor now, how much you choose to transition, if at all, is irrelevant. Don't worry if you don't know far you wish to transition. Know only that if you can't even feel what you feel and accept who you are, then your relationship is poison in the long run.
Metta for you during this most painful time.
This.
My 32-year relationship is breaking up because my wife just can't stand the idea of my gender dysphoria. She finds the very thought of me taking hormones, wearing women's clothing, going full time absolutely abhorrent. It hurts me terribly, but how can I argue when she says, 'I'm a normal woman. I want a normal husband. That's what I thought I was marrying when I said "I do".'
That's also what I was desperate to try to be for her: a normal husband. And I did some bits of the job really well. I worked hard, earned decent money, bought her a beautiful house (that we're now hang to sell), fathered kids - the whole shebang. I absolutely love my children, absolutely as a father .. but I know that my gender issues totally freak them out.
Should I have lived the way I did? I agonise about it all the time. All I can say is, I made the best choices I could, given the information available. I was consistently told by supposedly reputable, high-priced shrinks that I wasn't transsexual, that the feelings I was describing were just fantasies. So I tried to make my life and my vision of myself fit with that, and to be a 'normal guy'. That gave me a great career and a wonderful family ...
But the dysphoria didn't go away.
If I were a young guy today, knowing all that i know now, I wouldn't try to force myself into a marriage that's doomed from the start. It wouldn't be fair on me, or my wife.
Shakespeare said it, Shelby ... 'This above all: to thine own self be true.'
If you can truly be a real husband to a woman who obviously needs that, and nothing else, then be that man.
But if your truth is actually very different, if what you actually feel, deep inside, is that you are, or long to be female, then that is the self you have to be true to. Trust me, it really hurts if you aren't.
Just be up front and honest about your transition. Its a huge part of you and your personality and if she truly loves you and wants to be with you forever. Then she must be willing to accept that. From what you've said she is in denial over your feelings and is trying to "bring back" who you were to her. But what she doesn't understand is that you've never left her nor are you any different "now" then seven years ago!
Keep us posted hun :)
Great posts everyone! Real life experiences are sometimes the coldest to read. But their all true as blue.
Well, you can't really control anyone but yourself, so the question then becomes are you going to be happy living in your birth gender?
My wife recently asked for a divorce, I had been with her since I was 18 ( I am 28 now) and that hurts and her reason for leaving had nothing to do with me being trans. Heck she even bought me cute outfits and encouraged me, by marriages end all the time due to growing apart, infidelity, money, etc.
But what really blows my mind is this, if I would have stayed away from transition we still would have had the same problems so I could have wasted time sacrificing myself for someone who in the end would leave me anyway, and wouldn't that have been far worse?
In my case, I lost my wife. In my case yes, it was worth it. I am actively moving forward in life, and she didn't want any part of it, therefore we could no longer function as a couple. She left me before I started transition, with the knowledge of who I am, she knew I meant it.
Oh, I hope you don't think that I thought that an SO must change and fully accept a change as drastic as this. We all are what we are and should not try to pretend otherwise. If acceptance is possible, great. If not, there may be a compromise but having to negate yourself (from either party) is a ticket to hell.
Quote from: DiDi on March 06, 2014, 05:34:47 PM
Oh, I hope you don't think that I thought that an SO must change and fully accept a change as drastic as this. We all are what we are and should not try to pretend otherwise. If acceptance is possible, great. If not, there may be a compromise but having to negate yourself (from either party) is a ticket to hell.
I don't expect her to change. I wasn't up front about this when we started our relationship, I thought it was something I could keep hiding like I had for so many years before. She found out by finding my stash of clothing a couple of years ago. Our compromise started as I could dress as long as she wasn't home because she didn't want to see that part of me. The more time that's went by the more she wants this gone, not understanding that it never will be. It just happens that the more time that goes by in life the more I feel the need to transition.
Quote from: shelby513 on March 06, 2014, 06:51:14 AM
I know it's always hard to lose a relationship, but I was wondering from those that have transitioned and lost their relationship with a SO or spouse, if they feel transition was worth it? I've been with my girlfriend for just under 7 years and she's applying pressure to get married but I'm completely resistant because she's aware of the fact that I'm trans but doesn't approve.
Red alert. Alarm. If you want to transition eventually, go ahead and get your GID counselor, figure out your plan, and if she loves you for who you are, it's probably gonna be okay. If not, then you'll have to move on. Completely honest and brutal truth but it is what it is.
This is a question I ask myself every...single...day :(
I am currently going through my transition, I am 3 months on hormones and have recently lost my partner of 10 years...
She was and still is absolutely the woman of my dreams, and if I could do anything to change this situation that we have found ourselves in I would.
But the fact of the matter is, it simply couldn't work. I could never live a lie once I found out about my condition, and neither could she change her sexuality. So we had to part.
I am still very much going through the mourning process of an amazing relationship and a beautiful future lost...so I'm possibly not the best person to ask right now I guess :S
...
But I will say one thing that keeps me going through these times.
All that matters, what determines whether it was worth it or not...is how you deal with your loss.
No matter what it is you lose, Wife, children, family, friends, it's how you move on from your loss, and what you do with your life after, that determines whether losing it was worth it or not.
If you lose everything and give up...it will not feel worth it in the slightest.
But if you can lose everything, transition successfully, find a new partner that is more accepting, or replace whatever it is you lost, even if it is different, and live a full and happy life?...Then it will certainly feel more than worth it when you look back.
...
It just won't feel worth it while you are going through it :(