So apparently I'm a reasonably attractive woman. I don't say this to skite (Aussie for "boast"), it's just a reflection on the feedback I've been receiving. I even had a random guy try to chat me up at a bus stop on my fourth ever outing. I'm not complaining, it's certainly great to be told that I look good - a real boost just when I really need it. And I can see it too, which is unusual since I never considered myself to be a very attractive man... certainly the women were never falling over themselves to be by my side (they were all wondering why I wasn't in a relationship, but none of them were ever willing to be the one who was in that relationship with me). No doubt a lot of it has to do with presentation and confidence - I feel I present better and am more confident and outgoing in female mode than in male mode.
Anyway, I was thinking forward to being out and about, at functions and the like...and it struck me that the incident at the bus stop might be just the start of that kind of thing. It's a fairly common experience for cis girls from puberty onwards but for me, not so much. I suddenly imagined guys hitting on me at any particular place, especially if alcohol is involved. Again, not boasting, just hypothesising. It would be cool if I was actually attracted to guys, but I'm not. Yeah, poor me, right?
I handled the incident at the bus stop somewhat brusquely - in part because I was so shocked at being hit on but also because he seemed a bit creepy. Some of the feedback from the forum was that I was a bit (or very) rude, others cautioned against inflaming the situation, on the other hand the feedback from the women at work was that I'd done exactly the right thing.
So I was wondering how any of you might have dealt with unwanted attention in the past? Was it successful or not? How do you read the situation and stay safe?
One thought that comes to mind - welcome to womanhood! :laugh:
I have been out many times as Eva but no one has ever been anything resembling "fresh" to me so I have nothing else to add. Good luck sis!
I ignore. Ignore ignore ignore. Act like the person's not there. They're trying to get a reaction out of you. If you give them an opening, chances are they'll use it to single you out. If you're alone find people. If it's dark find light.
I've only responded to guys on the street a handful of times, mostly out of frustration. There was one guy who handed out newspapers at my subway stop who for a couple of months kept saying variations of, "You'd look even more beautiful if you smile." Finally one day I said, "My face does not exist for your enjoyment." After that he stopped.
My exwife's solution was just to be as rude as possible. Made lots of people think her a total B, but I get it, unwanted attention is just that unwanted, and just because you decided to have the audacity to leave your house, doesn't mean you are available for sex, but men certainly seem to think that.
Believe it or not it sometimes happens to me.If they're OK I let them down gently,if not it's a 2 word reply that starts with F and ends in 2 Fs!Once I had Blackpool's smelliest tramp chatting me up in the library,I told him I was waiting for my boyfriend who was on leave from the Army to get rid of him
My workplace used to be next door to a homeless shelter for people with chronic alcohol problems so there were frequently a number of them congregating in the area at any given time, usually drunk as a skunk. The number of wedding proposals the women encountered as they made their way to the office was fairly significant!
Quote from: Hikari on March 07, 2014, 11:11:58 PM
...unwanted attention is just that unwanted, and just because you decided to have the audacity to leave your house, doesn't mean you are available for sex, but men certainly seem to think that.
Too true!
Random strangers coming to chat with you doesnt bother me that much depends on my mood, you can chat for a while then say you have a boyfriend/you are a lesbian etc or say it straight that you are just not interested...
What bothers me is when they just pass by saying random sexual comments,,,jesus christ...
ignore then
but hell , there are some guys that you can tell they have other things on their mind even by the look on their face...
jesus...
Where the heck do you people live that you get sexual comments from random people so much?
Blackpool
Sydney - population 4.75m!
My immagination. Population 1.
New York City, San Francisco, and Boston. Living in the Mission district in San Francisco was probably the worst.
I live in a small coastal town in NC and we just don't get that sort of behavior normally. Amid all the camo and 4x4's, there is quite a bit of respectful behavior.
Like FP I don't think the caht is the probblem. I think to be rude to somoeone who is making an attempt to chat to you is a bit off. However if you politely dismiss them and they keep going, that's different.
Also, when people think that's its OK to grope you. That scares the hell out of me. I got surrounded by a group of men at a bar and they were all hands. There was no shame for them, even in plane sight of everyone else, who seemingly didn't care about a girl trying to push off a group of men with their hands in her top and skirt. I always thought I would be able to look after myself but I didn't manage to do fend anything off.
Quote from: kira21 ♡♡♡ on March 08, 2014, 08:50:12 AM
Also, when people think that's its OK to grope you. That scares the hell out of me. I got surrounded by a group of men at a bar and they were all hands. There was no shame for them, even in plane sight of everyone else, who seemingly didn't care about a girl trying to push off a group of men with their hands in her top and skirt. I always thought I would be able to look after myself but I didn't manage to do fend anything off.
Exactly why I do not do the bar thing. :)
For me, I don't treat flirting differently from any other interaction.
If someone is respectful, I'll be respectful back. If someone is rude, I will ignore them or shut them down.
If I want to be left alone, I will say so politely. If they ignore me, they are being rude, and I see no need to treat the with politeness myself.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on March 08, 2014, 08:54:57 AM
Exactly why I do not do the bar thing. :)
I think I'll try to make sure I'm with others as much as possible when heading to the bar...
Quote from: kira21 ♡♡♡ on March 08, 2014, 08:50:12 AM
Like FP I don't think the caht is the probblem. I think to be rude to somoeone who is making an attempt to chat to you is a bit off. However if you politely dismiss them and they keep going, that's different.
Also, when people think that's its OK to grope you. That scares the hell out of me. I got surrounded by a group of men at a bar and they were all hands. There was no shame for them, even in plane sight of everyone else, who seemingly didn't care about a girl trying to push off a group of men with their hands in her top and skirt. I always thought I would be able to look after myself but I didn't manage to do fend anything off.
Yeah, that's really scary. I'm sorry to hear that happened to you. :( Even though I'm 6'3" I won't take my safety for granted...
Quote from: suzifrommd on March 08, 2014, 07:41:16 PM
For me, I don't treat flirting differently from any other interaction.
If someone is respectful, I'll be respectful back. If someone is rude, I will ignore them or shut them down.
If I want to be left alone, I will say so politely. If they ignore me, they are being rude, and I see no need to treat the with politeness myself.
Yes, I think I need to work on my polite response for those who at least aren't being obviously obnoxious or sleazy. As someone who, in guy mode, could never work up the courage to talk to women in social situations for fear of humiliation, I gotta have some empathy for the ones who are actually decent.
Hm... what's the likelihood of being hit on in a lesbian nightclub?
I can only remember responding one time...and I doubt it was a good response. I was 16 or 17, walking across the street, and some guys yelled out of their car "HEY, YOU'RE SEXY!!!" I didn't even know what to do, so I gave them the finger. They yelled back "hey, f* you too b*, get back here! F* you!" And then drove when the light turned green.
Happened to me on the bus today.... this guy started complimenting me on my boots and he would not leave me alone. I wasnt interested so I tryed NOT to smile and didnt make eye contact. He eventually got the hint and stopped talking to me
Yesterday I wore my new stiletto ankle boots to visit a skin-care clinic. I can say that all of women in the waiting room studied me. They did not avoid my eyes, although the nurses there clearly called my manly name. Also, a few men there watched me, but I like women's attention. A sexy and beautiful young lady had looked up to me for a while until my eyes met hers.
Even with plain ankle boots, a lot of women watch me, mostly behind my back. I can not see them, but my friends said almost all people watch my back.
(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm8.staticflickr.com%2F7308%2F13029771594_3c0de36f13_o.jpg&hash=efa18811d3b71278f0132e5e3ece97bddeccda83)
I can enjoy women's attention, but not men's.
barbie~~
Last week I was in Seoul. Women tended to watch me in front of me or turn their head back to me. On contrary, men tended to watch behind me. I had not realize it until watching some photos that my friends took for me. I could enjoy attention of both men and women, but I prefer women's.
(https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3940/15500778721_86c6764573_b.jpg)
(https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3937/15503945345_230622475f_b.jpg)
(https://farm4.staticflickr.com/3951/15317214000_790e8644a2_b.jpg)
barbie~~
Quote from: Hikari on March 07, 2014, 11:11:58 PM
My exwife's solution was just to be as rude as possible. Made lots of people think her a total B, but I get it, unwanted attention is just that unwanted, and just because you decided to have the audacity to leave your house, doesn't mean you are available for sex, but men certainly seem to think that.
Yeah, it's unfortunate it happens at all. My sister gets it a lot in Paris and women in her position are often blamed for... leaving the house? I hate to sound chivalrous, but that genuinely angers me and if anything bad were to happen to her, I'd wreak vengeance on the perpetrators and victim-blamers alike.
If you were attracted to men it would be easy I guess & make you feel good about yourself & your appearance. Since you are not I guess it's better to just ignore them with no eye contact & have minimal conversation. If they persist be a kind of a cold bitch I guess? That has to be a tough situation. Good luck. Maybe carry a can of nasty spray in your purse.