My dad gave me this stupid speech today for no reason. I just....f***. I want to die so bad.
Basically, he was talking about how I seemed so depressed (of course I'm depressed - he threatened to kick me out and use fear to make me go back into the closet...for the 3rd time). He was talking about how thoughts make your life positive or negative. He thinks I should live out my life the way I want to. He says I should live a positive life and stop being so depressed. The reason I'm so ->-bleeped-<-ing pissed at this is because HE AND MY MOM ARE THE ->-bleeped-<-ING REASON I'M SO DEPRESSED! Yet here he is, telling me I should do whatever I really wanted to do and live a positive life.
He also told me that he never learned about true love before learning about God. He says that he now knows what love is because he learned about God. I have nothing against Christianity, but how can he say he learned about true love IF HE CAN'T ->-bleeped-<-ING LOVE HIS OWN KID UNCONDITIONALLY?
I just don't want to live anymore. What is this...I'm freakinig crying right now. I want to die. I can't ->-bleeped-<-ing live 3 more years. I can't even see a therapist. Nobody. Except for my counselor, who doesn't know anything about trans, but still accepts me as who I am and think my parents are selfish. I tried talking to Trevor suicide hotline. I guess they helped, but besides for the "I care about you" stuff, they told me that I can't really do anything until I'm 18 (true), but I should try to see a therapist (which I can't do at all - I have no means of transportation. My mom won't let me drive when I'm 16 anyway).
I hate my parents. I can't keep living with parents who think they love their kid when they can't really love their kid for who they really are. They only love what they want to love.
My dad says that demons make people depressed, suicidal, and all that sh*t. He says I should fight against them. Well, guess what Dad? YOU'RE THE ->-bleeped-<-ING DEMON IN MY LIFE! But there's nothing I can do...
I mean, I've tried to transition where I can (the only thing, really, is my voice), but I can't live anymore. I feel like grabbing a knife from the kitchen when my parents are sleeping and just stab myself. Seriously.
I ->-bleeped-<-ing hate my ->-bleeped-<-ing stupid parents.
I understand you are upset right now, but there are people here for you to talk to about this. Please don't do a permanent solution to a temporary problem. PM me and I will take the time to help however I can. First you will never win any conversation when others listen to G-D and are set in their ways. That is one argument you will never, ever win. Second you will have more problems than you can handle if you try to end your life and survive. Please PM me immediately! I want to talk to you about this. I have a perspective and advice which could help you. Please, please PM me. :(
lavini, I first want to say that i am so sorry you are going throught this. please also know that no matter how bad it gets taking your life is worse.
few quick questions.
1: do you buy your own underware?
2: is there anything else you can think of doing to help?
any therapist can help with gender dysphoria. yes the more experianced the better however it is not nesicary for them to be experianced. case in point my therapist..... i was the first trans indevidual she has had dealings with.
Keep your head up and things will get better. I know its hard.
@Sheala
1. No. Actually, I don't have anything that I can buy personally. :(
2. No. No therapist I can see. My parents think that only THEY are right because everyone in the psychology field wants to scam people so they can get money. I did go to a therapist w/ my parents once, but they were disappointed. They said that they got the impression that she just wanted the money. I mean, from what I heard from my parents, all she seemed to have said was, "So when are you going to pay?" OF COURSE SHE'S GOING TO ASK THAT. SHE'S WONDERING WHETHER YOU WERE GOING TO PAY NOW OR LATER. IDIOTS.
I feel so freaking trapped. I don't know how long I'll last.
Go see your school counceler, they may have some ideas. or be able to help you. a school nurse should be able to help a little as well. they both should be confidential unless you confess to hurting others.
Quote from: Sheala on March 08, 2014, 08:31:36 PM
Go see your school counceler, they may have some ideas. or be able to help you. a school nurse should be able to help a little as well. they both should be confidential unless you confess to hurting others.
Agreed! These are excellent people to talk to.
Have you come out to any of your friends? It can be a stressful step, but having advocates (on whatever level) is so uplifting. Even just being able to be yourself part of the time is better than nothing (IMO).
Quote from: Jill E on March 08, 2014, 08:37:48 PM
Have you come out to any of your friends?
Well, that may or may not work out.
I had a couple of friends that I could talk with about anything and everything.
BUT, I never told them about anything I was feeling as far as GID was concerned because I was afraid they would ditch me if I did that.
Well, I came out to them in 2007 and suddenly, 15 years of friendship didn't mean a whole hell of a lot. They both dropped me like a hot potato.
First of all if you feel that way about your life you should get yourself to your local hospital.
Not sure if you are in the states but there are protection laws that can help.
But again the first thing is for you to be safe and get the help you need to be safe if your parents will not.
Get help please
Isabell
Have you seen a Doctor with respect to your depression? Would your parents support you seeing a Doctor to help with your depression? If you see a Doctor and explain the issues you are dealing with and why you are depressed. The Doctor is an authority your parents may respect and listen to.
See your school counselor and ask if the counselor has access to Skype for assistance with an associate for help in your situation.
Contact a local LGBT center and ask for information about youth trans. Explain what you are going through and ask for help.
Hugs, I know how you feel. I have been there, although many years ago. It took me a long time to realize no matter what I did I am who I am. So your parents, who have no reference of Trans*, do not understand. They know you are in pain and are advising you on what they have done to feel better. They do not have a chance in dealing in something like this, without gaining the knowledge.
It took me a lifetime until just recently I understand heterosexuality, I think. I thought I knew what it was but it is foreign to me. I never knew that as I am others are different. I accept all and they can only accept a narrow sliver. I thought it as a choice for them and just natural for me. I am so wrong and it is very apparent I have no reference in understanding heterosexuality.
Suicide and self harm, I lived a lifetime in the grips of depression and coping with being in denial and having self hate. I now know suicide is a safety valve going off. When the tension gets very high I have certain thoughts and sometimes actions. I now realize those thoughts are the result of the feelings of helplessness and non-action. I now try to redirect my energy to achieve the underlying need that causes the stress.
3 years, there is so much to do and learn. You will need the time so get going, learn about trans, get help for your parents (books, pamphlets, Pflag, school counselor and LGBT center help) to educate themselves on the subject. They may not agree or want to learn but remain respectful, persistent and informed.
I have had friends commit suicide and I was close several times. I know things at tough now but I will tell you something. I am very glad I did not end it. The reason is that becoming me is worth all the pain and suffering. I know that is not what you want to hear but it is true. Your identity is something you should not have to compromise. Your are in a tough position now but you have a lot of work to do, so get busy, it is worth the effort.
Hi! I'm Jen.
I can relate to where you are coming from. I have a few ideas...I also have a few questions....
Why are your parents against transitioning? If you don't know, ask them.
Why don't your parents want to work with psychologists? Point out that most people who see a psychologist thinking they are trans, don't actually transition. (Ruse to get you into one.)
What religion are your parents?
Your parents seem to be ultra religious. Are they actually open to reading and understanding the bible or are they just going to go on with their current thoughts? I can make strong arguments that this is not a sin.
When I was young, I had dysphoria as well. I learned to block it, at least for a while
There are ways to deal with the urges without transitioning...
Do something else. It doesn't matter what. Find something you like to do and do it.
Don't think about your problem. If you start to think about it, stop and think about something else.
If you have a friend or brothers/sisters, hang out with them. Basically, don't be alone.
When you think about being transgendered, focus on being 18 and starting the change. Don't focus on the problems of today; focus on what it will be like when you get to do this. Think about what it will be like when to do transition. Don focus on your inability to transition today.
Study your buns off.
Keep pecking at your parents, like once or twice a week. Not too hard, just little things, just a casual mention of trans-folk, being trans and looking forward. There is no magic pill here, just, periodically let them remember.
Study your buns off. Transitioning isn't easy and you can start now by getting ready.
Remember, if you want it bad enough, it will happen.
Hugs,
Jen
I already talk to my school counselor. He can't do much, to be honest. He tells me to try to do things I like and get out of the house to be with friends.
Only problem is...I don't really have friends.
Mainly it's because I moved here about 2 and a 1/2 years ago, so there wasn't as much time to build friendships like other people. Also, I'm not very talkative, so people I know are just like "Hi" and "Bye" and that's about it. Maybe ask about homework and stuff, but that's about it. :(
My parents also refuse to learn about trans. They don't want to know about it, hear about it, or even think about it. They refuse to even respect my opinion and other people's opinion about trans. Not even facts about trans. They think they are all disgusting and not a human being. Also, right now, I can't say anything about trans because if they have even the slight suspicion that I'm trans, they will kick me out. At the very least, keep me in the house but strip me of all the support they can strip, such as my belongings, inability to go to school, monetary support, etc. Even though I've tried to show them stuff about trans or tell them about trans things, they automatically reject and go "STFU and go to your room. We're 3 times older than you and psychologists are all trying to scam you and just want money."
Which brings me to the point about psychologists and other people in the psychology field: My parents think that all they want is money. They "aren't family", so they think they don't give a sh*t about their patients. They think they will all be like, "Ok, I'll pretend to understand you. Now give me your money." They refuse to think otherwise. I don't think they like anyone in the medical field that much anyway. At least, in America. When my brother had to remove something from his anus sphincter (I don't know what he had to remove, and I'd rather not know), my mother was complaining to me about how much it costs to just use a knife and cut off a certain area of the body (most of it was paid by insurance, but she was still ticked off). I honestly don't know how to change their mind here. The funny thing is, they were hoping that I'd be a doctor so that I can have a "happy life" (you know, with lots of money and stuff) and also take care of them when they are old. Yeah. I'm so buying into that bullcrap.
My parents are also Christian. Well, to be more precise, they became Christian a little bit after we came to America. We weren't Christian before coming to America, but now my parents are. I think that's why my dad is so obsessed with church because he said his life is so much better because he now knows what "true love" is and is not "arrogant about being able to live without God", who he believed was some "stupid thing". Ok, I can understand that. They do read the bible. At least, they appear to be. They read it at home, but I feel like they are not actually analyzing it for themselves and having someone else do the analyzing and go, "OMG I'm so smart and God is awesome. Oh, and ->-bleeped-<-gots and ->-bleeped-<-s are going against God." Seriously? They even go as far as thinking some sort of demon is inhabiting me and is making me trans. They're saying that I'm not trans - it's just the demon teasing me, and I must "fight back with God". Sigh...
Funny thing is that they refuse to learn about trans, but they are open to everything else. For example, my mom said she wanted a tablet because she wants my dad to use the laptop she and Dad use while she can use this app to talk to her friends (it's called Kakao, FYI) and use the internet to look up coupons and news. She says that she's going to look up what tablets are the best. So...refuse to learn about something that can, and has, cause people to die (suicide, hate crimes, etc.), but eager to learn about what the best piece of metal to buy with your money? Seriously?
I have tried to deal with the problem, but they are very temporary. I might read, draw, use the computer, play games on the computer, or whatever I can do to get myself to stop thinking about it. And it works...until I stop doing it. Homework's not a good distraction, and I can't do my homework without getting the urge to throw my textbook halfway across the room because of how frustrated I am at not being about to transition. (Fortunately, I stop myself early enough to not throw a textbook.) I have trouble focusing at school. I don't want to study, I don't want to do anything fun (it takes a lot of effort to convince myself that I need to distract myself and have fun...and it only ends up being temporary and not long enough to do homework comfortably), I don't feel like socializing, and I don't want to hear my teacher talking about the Mongolian empire. Or about trig functions (despite math being my favorite subject). Or anything, really.
My brother is against me being trans, too. He says that I would be better off being gay in a society than being trans. I get where his logic comes from, but I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL MALE. Even if he wasn't against it, he still hates me because he has "mental scars" from when he kept getting bugged by his friends about why I cry so much. He hates me, so I leave him alone. Any interaction with him usually doesn't end well anyway.
I feel so trapped and alone. Even if I have a lot of people online supporting me, I still feel alone because I'm physically alone. I'm not with anyone I feel comfortable with at home or at school, my counselor doesn't help much, and I can't see any kind of therapist to help me get through this.
I don't know what to do...
Lavini be strong,,,
even if you cant transition now you can prepare and do somethings...
grow your hair , dont exercise and dont eat much that should help you avoid becoming a large dude or somethin,
have patience I cant really tell you to do something with your parents cause honestly they seem to be strongly against it...
just wait these years , make some friends a lot of us had to wait, yeah its really hard...but I tell you now , the wait will be worth it...
To be honest you sound really depressed...just , just do enough so you ll be able to continue your life in some years...
I really wish everything works out.
You are in a situation that is going to take time to solve. If you can keep up with your study do so !
Remember the word FRIEND is (ab)used today,use acquaintance!
Religious fanatics regardless the flavor are never a good party for a open and honest discusion.
In (god's) name are still the most hideous crimes committed. I have no idea if you told your parents you want to kill yourself,if you dit we can think of ther answer,and more sadly most wouldn't care if you did.
And please do not end your life for this reason,over some time you can leave,and live the life you want,that's why school is important.
Life long and happy
Lavini, I don't know how old you are but you can use this time to transition more mentally. Study how you're preferred gender talks, walks, thinks, shows emotions and so on. You can do all that in private. Make friends and leave yourself open to people making friends with you. If your mom wears makeup and you have the house to yourself, look up some makeup tutorials on youtube or other sites and practice. FalsePrincess's suggestions are really good, watch your weight, grow your hair long, practice female beauty habits, like hair removal, skin care and all the other pain in the butt stuff we love to do in order to feel more femme. Eventually you will be on your own and can do what you want, just have patience and mentally transform for now.
Quote from you,"My parents are also Christian. Well, to be more precise, they became Christian a little bit after we came to America. We weren't Christian before coming to America, but now my parents are." In my experience when someone finds "Christ" they seem to be a lot more strict in following the word. This may or may not ease up. Please don't harm yourself when you got a lifetime ahead of you to be who you want to be. Again, I can't say this enough, use this time to transform mentally and learn and practice when you can. Seek out individuals like yourself to be friends with if you feel that they may be LGBT. If not you have friends here and most if not all have been through what you are going through now.
Thank you all.
However, whatever I do, it doesn't help me cope with my depression. Every day, I feel like I'm being pushed back into a corner more and more, and I feel like I will eventually reach a day when I actually commit suicide instead of just thinking about it. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to study, I don't want to do anything fun, I don't want to do anything. I even notice my grade dropping (slowly, but it is dropping) because I can't focus - not because I keep getting focused on my dysphoria, but just being depressed itself is making me not focus. Whenever I try to do homework, I end up walking in circles or end up on the verge of throwing anything near me across the room.
As stated before (I think), I have been training my voice. I have started practicing walking a little. Growing my hair is out of the question right now because of my parents (they think hair that touches the neck is too long for a guy), and my parents enrolled me into taekwondo to "man up" and all that crap. That place made me build up some muscle, and I don't like it. Hopefully, when I reach black belt around December this year (if I pass the test that is - there's a low fail rate, but one never knows XD), I can quit so that I can lose some of the muscle.
I did get a message in my PM inbox about a possible source of hormones today, though. I am thinking about actually doing it because I feel like I am going crazy because of this depression (grades dropping, unsupportive parents, and parents forcing you study for the SATs don't help the situation). I know it's not this "magic pill" that will solve all my problems, but I am hoping that it, in the very least, helps me feel better about myself. I do need to do some more research, though. Like how to get tests for the whole "harm reduction" thing (I asked my mom when we get blood tests, and she said we just go "when the doctor tells us to". We didn't get one last year for some reason, but we got one the year before that. And no, I am not telling that doctor that I'm going on hormones, because this is the same doctor that told my mother that gender dysphoria is bullsh*t and the solution to my problem was to stop me from looking up information about trans people and encouraging "manly" things.)
Thoughts?
Dont self medicate its the worst thing you can do. Just take a deep breath and relax yourself. Many of us have faced anxiety over when we transition and how others will percieve us. Bear in mind your family likes mine, as they are completely against it but they will come around in time. Once your 18, your free to do what you want with a income. You should focus on getting a career and transitioning so you could live on your own without transitioning. I feel and understand what you are going through at the moment.
Quote from: lavini557 on March 10, 2014, 05:21:16 PM
I am not telling that doctor that I'm going on hormones, because this is the same doctor that told my mother that gender dysphoria is bullsh*t and the solution to my problem was to stop me from looking up information about trans people and encouraging "manly" things.)
That guy sounds like a moronic quack.
Quote from: Laura Squirrel on March 10, 2014, 08:17:39 PM
That guy sounds like a moronic quack.
Seconded. This is a case of malpractice. Gender dysphoria is very real, and the only thing that has ever been effective at treating it is to make the body match the mind. Just because you have an MD, it doesn't make you necessarily right.
I agree with izzy, self medication is a really bad idea and can lead to some bad consequences.
I also agree with Jill and Laura about the moronic quack. Gender dysphoria or dysphoria of any kind is a legitimate psychological condition and if anything Dr. Duck should have referred you and your parents to a therapist to address the issues. If not for GID at least for depression and hon, the way you describe your life sounds like a pretty bad case of depression. Loss of interest, loss of concentration, not finding any fun or happiness in anything you do that you used to, hopelessness, helplessness, and the real biggie is suicidal thoughts. All are indicators of major depression. Do not disclaim these as just thoughts because if you are thinking this way it may take one incident to throw you over the edge. Please seek help from a psychological professional either through a Hotline, therapist or Psychiatrist as soon as possible. Even a little stay at a hospital and away from your parents may do you a world of good. Get a handle on the depression first and quell the suicidal thoughts. Then you can tackle the GID with a therapist. But the depression really needs to be addressed first and in a big way to see other options besides self destruction. Seriously seek the right help lavini and that would be through someone that has a psychological background.
Yeah. I never really liked that doctor that much anyway. Technically, he DID refer us to a therapist, who we did see. She has heard of gender dysphoria, but is not an expert about it. However, my parents thought she was just scamming me by "pretending to sympathize with me" and just wanting the money. *sigh*
So I shouldn't self-medicate?:( Well, I guess I shouldn't, because I heard of things going wrong b/c of overdose and stuff like that. The thing is, though, is that I can't see anyone - not even for my depression. My parents have this idea that major depression is where one doesn't eat, drink, leave the house, and just lies in bed all day. While I honestly do want to just lie in bed and just do nothing, I might still eat and drink because I keep telling myself that life will get better when I'm 18. Despite this, my parents think my depression is not legitimate.
Is there any way to see someone online or through the phone, preferably for free? I rarely get to go out of the house. Also, if I do get to see someone for my depression, should I mention it's because I'm trans? Because I think that if they know nothing about gender dysphoria, they'll be like, "Oh, it's not...whatever you called it. It's [insert some other psychological problem here], now take these pills and you'll feel better." Just a thought.
Quote from: lavini557 on March 11, 2014, 08:26:44 PM
Also, if I do get to see someone for my depression, should I mention it's because I'm trans? Because I think that if they know nothing about gender dysphoria, they'll be like, "Oh, it's not...whatever you called it. It's [insert some other psychological problem here], now take these pills and you'll feel better." Just a thought.
Honestly the first psych I went to for gender dysphoria basically told me that I have social anxiety and that she couldn't diagnose gender dysphoria since she wasn't experienced with it. So she tried to give me some resources that didn't really help and sent me off.
If they don't know much about GD they could very well just diagnose you with something that is a symptom of GD like social anxiety or depression...your best bet is to find a psych that specifically works with trans people. Even if a psych has had some experience (as in only 10 clients) diagnosing GD, it is no guarantee that they won't just say "nope you don't have it" and send you off with another diagnosis and possibly some pills if you consent to taking them.
Some psychs will do skype sessions even if they are local or a few hours away. My psych was in Vancouver and we skyped. Maybe ask and find out if there are any psychs locally who deal with trans clients and gender dysphoria, I found my psych through a trans friend.
Lavini,
Hey. I've been on here every day, sometimes twice a day, reading and re-reading your posts, trying to think of something that I could say that would help. I can tell you what I came up with. It may help. Please keep posting one way or another. I'll keep thinking. I can tell by the way you write that you're smart. There are a number of smart people here. With everyone working on this, we can get around the problems, somehow.
When I needed both a doctor and a psychologist, I called the LGBT National Suicide Hotline. I wasn't particularly suicidal but was a little on edge, and lost. They gave me the numbers for a couple psychologists and a medical doctor. Here it is, two years later and I'm still seeing one of the psychs and the medical doctor. Give them a call; tell them about suicidal ideation, depression and what is going on with your life. They are trained and they may know something we don't. Close psychologists? Someone on-line who would help for free? I don't know. But it's worth a call. Let us know.
As far as getting rid of the blackness (my slang for depression), I've generally found that it is caused by something else, by some problem that one can't deal with and somehow, the inability to deal with it eats us from the inside. The easy answer is to deal with the problem. In your case, you have something to deal with – GID. And you can't deal with it because of your age and your family. That begins to eat people from the inside. So....
The advice on dealing with dysphoria was good and some of that you can do. I suggested that you look forward to the time when you will be able to deal with it. Take the time now to plan. Take the time now to work on things. Make some money so that when the time comes, you have some because this is expensive. Keep your mind on other things. Dream about that time when you can be what you want to be. Dream about the person you will be. Plan for that time when what you will be meets what you are. This sounds somewhat crazy but it can help. The plan and dreams are in your mind but so is the depression. The cause is external, the GID being because of what you are, and the family problem being because that is your family. Yet both problems are external. For a while here, battle the things in the mind, well, in the mind. On the external things, fight them when you are ready.
I'm sorry that your parents are in this stage of their faith. If they really believe, people who are new to the faith can be a pain. Unfortunately, they probably won't work through things and see the error of their current thoughts until long after you are gone. My heart hurts for you because of that. I wish they were willing to listen. I would take the time to help with arguments that could help them understand. Unfortunately, we cannot make them listen.
I'm Jennifer and I'm a transgendered woman. I'm not a psychologist; I'm a real life scientist – environmental chemistry, molecular toxicology and endocrine system studies and I work for a large multinational corporation. I'm also a Christian, which is why I know the arguments that could help. Science, transgendered and Christian - it's not a conflict. There is no shame in any of that.
I'm here, I'll listen and I'll try to help. I'll keep thinking and I won't give up. If I can do nothing more than listen and encourage, I'll do that. I'll also keep thinking.
Big Hugs,
Jen
Hey...
So I can't say anything along the lines of "I know what you are dealing with" or "I went through a similar situation" because everybody is different, and their experiences are just as endlessly varied. Your situation feels very much like you have people who dominate your life, give you no freedom and strictly repress you...that sounds pretty horrible to me.
What I can do, is try to offer you some advice from somebody who recently had a failed suicide attempt just last month. It's a long story, I won't go into here, but it involved a bridge, some friends who are far more intelligent that anticipated, the police, and an extended period of recovery in and out of a mental hospital...
So, having gone through it, came so close to the end, and somehow come out the other side, what can I say?
Well...I know intimately, that the worst feeling in the world is the feeling of powerlessness, that unshakable feeling like you have lost complete control of your life, that life is just some ->-bleeped-<-ty thing that is "happening to you", rather than something you steer or dictate. You think to yourself that there is nothing you can do to change your situation, nothing you can do to make your life better, and in fact that the only remaining options you have left, are to suffer endlessly, or bring a stop to it yourself. Sometimes it even feels..."right" like "I am making this one choice that nobody can stop, and that is something positive".
In times of extreme depression, your mind can execute feats of amazing mental athletics to justify suicide. I remember driving to the bridge and saying to myself "This will just be like Hiroshima...sure the remaining friends and family who love me will be devastated in the short term, but they will mourn and move on...and in the long term it will save numerous lives from decades of pain and suffering that would happen otherwise..."
Yeah your brain can be pretty dramatic and stupid in these times as well >.>
But don't do it. Don't throw your life away because of other people.
No matter how bad things are, they can always change, sometimes it's an over night change, sometimes it is a gradual change that takes time. But their is ALWAYS something you can do to make things better for yourself, you just need to find it.
If your parents are really pushing you to the edge of suicide and are not willing to help, maybe a drastic action is in order. I live in the UK, so it's possibly different in the states, so I can't give specific advice, but contact child services or something, put up a fight and show them that you are serious, it might just snap them out of it.
Even if it doesn't "fix" them or force them to come to terms with it, it is still something you have done, an action you can own. If it doesn't work, start thinking on something else that might help things.
Maybe it does not need to be something so drastic, like I say, I don't really know your situation intimately, but there is ALWAYS something you can do to improve your situation, you just need to think outside the box and look for solutions to your problems, rather than dwelling on how insurmountable they feel.
You need to find that survival instinct that all humans have inside of them, that urge to see another day, because you never know, it might just be better than this one, find it and don't let it go. There are kids in the third world who cling to underground sewage pipes at night for warmth, and eat from trash cans during the day.
If they can do that, then you can survive gender dysphoria and oppressive family. Better than that, you can survive, grow strong and build a happy life for yourself too.
I know it does not feel like it, and most days will be a struggle from the moment you wake, until you can get some professional help, but you can do it.
I firmly believe that every human being has the potential in themselves to fight through the most horrific things imaginable, to endure physical and mental pain that would cripple or send other creatures running. We can survive and learn from it, grow stronger and overcome our problems. Adapt and survive. You just need to find that drive.
You can do it.
...
Anyway I have ranted on for a while now...
I hate to tell you this but depression if not treated, will get worst. I know because I have suffered through it and still suffer from it. Please call someone. You really need to see someone about this regardless of what your parents think. I would also think that you having depression and your parents withholding treatment is borderline if not outright abuse. Like I said it all depends upon your age and the area you live in and so on. Do like Jen said and call the LGBT National Suicide Hotline, explain your situation and they may be able to find someone that will talk to you pro bono either on the internet or telephone. Thoughts of suicide is a severe symptom of depression and depression effects people differently. Withdrawing from day to day life, productivity suffering, loss of interest, some eat, some have no appetite, some people sleep more than usual, some people can't sleep, some suffer from mania, some show aggression, some show agitation, some are lethargic, some just don't give a flying crap about anything and the list goes on. It just depends on the person as to how it effects them and many show different symptoms at different times. All of these symptoms I have experienced at one time or another and sometimes multiple symptoms simultaneously, so what your mom and dad think about the symptoms of depression isn't the only symptoms there are. I can tell you that if you mention suicidal thoughts, you will be taken seriously by a doctor of any kind. The very first question I was asked by a psychiatrist is if I am suicidal, the second if I feel homicidal. Yes, your mom and dad are right about therapists and psychiatrists wanting to get paid, it is their job and how they make their living but the ones that I have experience with really do care and in my opinion therapists and psychiatrists are not really expensive compared to other medical fields.
All I know is that if you are depressed and your parents are withholding treatment, in my opinion that is abuse and you really need to try to get help. Because Hon, if not it will keep getting worst. With me it is anxiety on top of the depression. Both untreated and I am in the darkest places mentally a person could ever be. I finally got the anxiety under control but the depression is still there but without the anxiety the depression is easier to handle. So you may have a mixture of the two but you really need to see a therapist and spill your guts and then let them refer you to a psychiatrist for the proper meds to get a handle on things.
Something really weird happened today with my parents.
So we were just eating lunch and stuff, and my parents were talking about the SATs. They were talking and talking, and then my dad randomly asked me to show my hand. I showed him, and then he goes, "You're a genius!"
I was confused until my dad said it was because my index and ring finger were the same length. Now, I've heard of the finger-digit ratio thing, but I thought that had to do with masculinity/femininity or something like that. Not about whether someone is a genius.
I mean, I admit that I seem to understand math concepts faster than my peers...but I don't think my fingers prove anything, really.
Going back on topic, I haven't called anyone yet. I need to find a bracket of time when my family is out except for me and I can comfortably call someone without worrying about interruptions or eavesdropping. (My parents' English isn't as good as people who grew up in America...but I'm not taking any chances. There's also my brother, who's just as good as English as I am).
Also, I was just thinking...maybe I should work really hard on my voice and then make videos on Youtube. I could just use a microphone and maybe use drawings for the visual part. Or something. I don't really know yet. I think if I had somewhere where I wasn't constantly bashed with things telling me that society sees me as a guy, I might feel a little better about myself. Just a thought.
Well you can be a girl on the online world /gaming world
havent you tried it?
it does make you feel better
Nothing is worth considering that action. Nothing. Chill, regroup, rest some but nothing that ever happens to you is worth considering such action.
I know how you feel about that, but suicide isn't the answer take it from me, im an alcoholic and transgendered myself and it wasn't easy for me. my parents still don't understand why I am like this, but if you don't see someone for your depression it will worsen, I had depression for years and I turned to alcohol because of it. I would try to relax and see if you can find someone that will help you with your depression.
I don't think the ring and index finger ratio is a real indicator or being trans or not or even being genius or not. Supposedly females have a more 1:1 ratio and males the ring finger is supposed to be longer than the index finger I think or its the other way around, someone correct me if I'm wrong. Mine is really close to 1:1 and I ain't no genius for sure. I sucked at math in school and as a matter of fact was always in the lowest math classes, but when it came to Literature and composition I was always in the highest classes for that. I believe that was all about interests instead of genius though because I loved to read and write, although I forgot about all the proper ways to write which is fairly evident. ;) Numbers though really messed me up. Same for history, if what we were studying interested me I aced the tests. If it bored me I didn't do so well.
It does sound like you are feeling a little better lavini. Do you?
thanks, I feel much better, but I think its mostly since I did open up to my parents and friends and they all accept me and im going for therapy now, actually im going back to the doctor this Thursday because I got drunk on Friday really bad and hes kind of worried about it. my depression is gone but it went away since I started therapy and understanding that there are ways to better myself and change into the woman I want to be.
@FalsePrincess - I have tried being a girl in gaming, like in MMOs, but the thing is that...it kind of gets boring without someone to play with. And lonely. The rest of my "friends" all either play LoL (League of Legends, which is a fun game...with lots of not-very-fun people:( But still pretty fun, nonetheless) or Minecraft (an okay game, but I never really got into it). Even if I try to talk to a stranger in an MMO, they tend to ignore me. Maybe just say hi and go off on their way. *shrug*
@Jess42 - Yeah, I thought that "theory" sounded pretty stupid in the first place. I think my parents were somehow using it to convince me to be a doctor or something and go to Ivy League *eyeroll*. Am I feeling better? I don't know. I guess you could say that. I still feel like crap these days though. I still haven't called...haven't found the right opportunity yet.
Oh, and just wondering...but how long does the "OMG Christianity is AWESOME!" phase last for new converts? Just wondering because my dad bought these two angel statues to put on top of the shelf above the fireplace. I thought it looked fine before, but my dad goes all, "Oh, I think it would look wonderful, especially since we're Christians!" It looks really cluttered now (he put some flowers there along with the angels...). Oh well. I think I might get used to it.
Quote from: lavini557 on March 17, 2014, 09:42:56 PM
@FalsePrincess - I have tried being a girl in gaming, like in MMOs, but the thing is that...it kind of gets boring without someone to play with. And lonely. The rest of my "friends" all either play LoL (League of Legends, which is a fun game...with lots of not-very-fun people:( But still pretty fun, nonetheless) or Minecraft (an okay game, but I never really got into it). Even if I try to talk to a stranger in an MMO, they tend to ignore me. Maybe just say hi and go off on their way. *shrug*
@Jess42 - Yeah, I thought that "theory" sounded pretty stupid in the first place. I think my parents were somehow using it to convince me to be a doctor or something and go to Ivy League *eyeroll*. Am I feeling better? I don't know. I guess you could say that. I still feel like crap these days though. I still haven't called...haven't found the right opportunity yet.
Oh, and just wondering...but how long does the "OMG Christianity is AWESOME!" phase last for new converts? Just wondering because my dad bought these two angel statues to put on top of the shelf above the fireplace. I thought it looked fine before, but my dad goes all, "Oh, I think it would look wonderful, especially since we're Christians!" It looks really cluttered now (he put some flowers there along with the angels...). Oh well. I think I might get used to it.
6-12 months generally slows it down.
Hugs,
Jen
Quote from: lavini557 on March 17, 2014, 09:42:56 PM
@Jess42 - Yeah, I thought that "theory" sounded pretty stupid in the first place. I think my parents were somehow using it to convince me to be a doctor or something and go to Ivy League *eyeroll*. Am I feeling better? I don't know. I guess you could say that. I still feel like crap these days though. I still haven't called...haven't found the right opportunity yet.
Oh, and just wondering...but how long does the "OMG Christianity is AWESOME!" phase last for new converts? Just wondering because my dad bought these two angel statues to put on top of the shelf above the fireplace. I thought it looked fine before, but my dad goes all, "Oh, I think it would look wonderful, especially since we're Christians!" It looks really cluttered now (he put some flowers there along with the angels...). Oh well. I think I might get used to it.
Oh, I'm not saying that there is nothing to the finger ratio thing, I just don't think it's a really reliable indicator of being transgendered other than maybe being exposed to higher levels of certain hormones in the womb and may have a bearing on the tendency of a person to be transgendered. As for it being an indicator of intelligence, I just really have never heard of that.
As for the OMG Christianity part, I agree with JLT1, but sometimes it never goes away. It just depends upon coincidences, state of mind and about a thousand other things. But then again like I said I know people that it never wore off. If you don't mind me asking, what faith was your mom and dad before? This can have effect of how long it may last. From my experience people that were once atheists that found religion and or having no belief system at all, it tends to last longer.
actually the finger ratio I think has nothing to do with transgender. I think its how u feel inside and how you identify yourself. I cant say what causes it but I'm sure its probably that someone is born with a female brain and the body doesn't feel normal, but I could be wrong too. I play mmos also and always play a female character and its great for me since I identify as a female, ive never played LOL (league of legends) so cant really say how that game is like, I mostly play my ps3 or dc universe online.
@Jess42 - Well, we technically did go to church before coming to America...but my parents were more of atheists. I think we just went to church (if we even did - we rarely did before coming to America) because every other Korean family in the area was doing it. Honestly, I don't remember. I hope my dad can start thinking rationally about trans people first, because he's REALLY into church. Probably because of his childhood. My mother isn't as into it as my dad in my opinion, but she does like church.
I know this isn't in the religion section, but why do religious people go off of their interpretation of the will of a higher being? How do they know that they are following exactly what the higher being (such as a god) wants? There are many ways to interpret a piece of text (as my English teacher says, "The only wrong interpretations are ones that are not supported with the text."), yet the people think, "Ah! I think this part of the bible means this," and they go with it. The problem with that is that it's only what they THINK it means...*sigh*
Also, I seriously hate the "I'm older than you so I'm right" mentality with my parents. Even if that is right and just, rejecting doctors and other people who research about trans people (some even specializing in helping trans people) is just...I don't know what to say. It's like they want to live in this "perfect" box where they are always right. If they don't like something, they can take it out of their box and then use reasoning that came from information taken out of context.
I wish there was a way for my parents to actually listen so they can learn.
Quote from: lavini557 on March 21, 2014, 12:17:20 PM
@Jess42 - Well, we technically did go to church before coming to America...but my parents were more of atheists. I think we just went to church (if we even did - we rarely did before coming to America) because every other Korean family in the area was doing it. Honestly, I don't remember. I hope my dad can start thinking rationally about trans people first, because he's REALLY into church. Probably because of his childhood. My mother isn't as into it as my dad in my opinion, but she does like church.
I know this isn't in the religion section, but why do religious people go off of their interpretation of the will of a higher being? How do they know that they are following exactly what the higher being (such as a god) wants? There are many ways to interpret a piece of text (as my English teacher says, "The only wrong interpretations are ones that are not supported with the text."), yet the people think, "Ah! I think this part of the bible means this," and they go with it. The problem with that is that it's only what they THINK it means...*sigh*
Also, I seriously hate the "I'm older than you so I'm right" mentality with my parents. Even if that is right and just, rejecting doctors and other people who research about trans people (some even specializing in helping trans people) is just...I don't know what to say. It's like they want to live in this "perfect" box where they are always right. If they don't like something, they can take it out of their box and then use reasoning that came from information taken out of context.
I wish there was a way for my parents to actually listen so they can learn.
I take it you are Korean, lavini? I love Korea and spent two years there in the Army in Pusan or Busan. We always called it Pusan though. Most of the Korean Nationals that I worked closely with that wasn't Buddhist was Catholic. Can I dare to guess that is what religion your mom and dad are? If so, it is a pretty strict and cut and dry religion.
Hon, I hate to tell you but you said ya'll were going to church because, "every other Korean family was doing it." is not a good reason to go to a church or follow any spiritual path just because someone else does it. You should do it because there is a feeling inside that sparks something in you. Yes this isn't the spritual or religious section but that seems to be a part of your strife and struggle.
As for religious people going off of an interpretation, we are all a little scared, weary, skeptical and any other word you want to use to describe the greatest unknown that we will ever know. What happens when the body dies? I don't know, nobody does. There are a lot of people that are what I call "just in case folks" that follow some of the strictest religions. With the Bible, I say this countless times, it is early man trying to comprehend the uncomprehensible. It is a history of our Spiritual evolution just as the Thibetan Book of the Dead, the Egyptian Books of the Living and the Dead, the Koran, the Gnostic texts, the Dead Sea Scrolls or any other ancient texts. It's just that with the Bible and Koran, this is the era we are in. I also say this a lot and that is that religions all have a common message but too many time people fight over the little variations instead of the commonalities.
OK, Now the "I'm older than you so I'm right subject. With age is supposed to come wisdom but I have seen 18 and 19 year olds a lot wiser than 50, 60 or 70 year olds. It is life experince that gives you wisdom. And to an extent it is true that the older generations are right about a lot of things. But this whole Trans deal, if you aren't Transgendered you'll never know how we feel inside, the pain we feel with our minds and bodies being out of synche with one another or the hurt from not being accepted in a society that sees black and white in terms of gender. Society is an entity unto itself and it is changing but it takes time and some of the older generations may never accept the changes.
Lavini, all I can tell you is to talk to your parents. If it goes toward an argument, just drop it and go in your room or leave and take a walk. Other than that, it may take time for them to come to the realization that this isn't going to go away. Take it from me hon, being trans isn't a phase it is something that will be with you for the rest of your life. They may come around when they figure thay may actually lose thier child, not from killing yourself but reaching 18 years of age and being your own person and can leave and live your own life.
If ever you need to talk, you can always PM me. Mon. thru Fri. I'm here. Weekends I am usually either busy or with that someone special but I will get back with you. My parents were pentecostal so I know exactly what you are going through with the religion deal. If they can't have patience, have patience with them and be the bigger person and maybe things will get better with them.
I'm not sure whether it was Catholic or not. And yeah...going to church just because everyone else is doing it is stupid...which is why my parents stopped going to church before coming to America. I think that's also why my dad likes church so much now because he found the "spark" here. I don't know how, but he did. *shrug*
Also, I can't argue with my parents about anything trans. Not even mention anything about it. Heck, I can't have anything trans-related or anything girl-related in my browser history (fortunately, they don't know about Incognito mode in Chrome :D). If I do, they say that they will kick me out and other bad things (but they probably can't abandon me because of the law, so they will probably do everything they can to make my life as miserable as possible without crossing the line). *sigh* Guess I'll have to be patient and hope that (maybe) my parents will meet someone who will help them accept trans people and other people they consider "ungodly". Probably won't happen, but if it does, that would be nice. If it doesn't happen before I graduate from high school, I'll just never visit them when I go into college because I don't want to change into a "guy" just for them. I'll probably make some excuses or something. To be honest, I am pretty sick of them anyway, and I don't think I would have a reason to visit them.