TRIGGER WARNING!!!!
Last night as I was falling asleep I had a rather livid dream. I dreamt that I was alone in a pale off white room and it was oddly sunny and bright in there. I was feeling so lonely and unloved in life that I couldn't bear it. I subsequently committed suicide and was dead. I floated out of my body, sat and cried in the corner. My parents came home and saw me, I saw how horrible and upset they were that I did that. I began floating around seeing my best friend and sister Erica react exactly the same, my trans sister Sofia do the exact same. I saw a pain in their eyes I couldn't bear. It hit me hard but it made me realize something important. I finally saw and realized the impact I had on these people and how much we mean to each other, especially my two sisters. I definitely still feel depressed and down on myself but I know that I do have people in my life who most certainly love and care for me as I do with them. I have also been hearing every comforting, inspiring and self empowering song I love on the radio as I drive around. I think something out there is trying to give me some hope that I'll be alright and I hope I will be.
dreams can be inspirational
TRIGGER WARNING!!!!
This was why I couldn't go through with it when I came to terms with myself during my suicide attempt. Scary to think now that I was only a few pounds of tension away from doing it. Luckily a vision like that crossed my mind when I had the gun pointed to my head with a round in the chamber and the safety off with my finger trembling on the trigger about how awful it would hurt everyone that I love and those who care about me to just suddenly kill myself and not even leave a note. I figured they could piece everything together by looking what was in my apartment but still I couldn't bear to cause everyone that much pain so transitioning was the only way I could survive. It was my defining moment in life and one that I'm very happy to have not gone through with as even though it's been a very painful road up to this point I'm alive and the people that care about me are happy that I am still in their life.
Yea, I can relate.
Once I saw that, I began to muddle forward again. It's better now.
Hugs,
Jen
I forgot a trigger warning. It hit so deeply and I feel like I'm having a purpose with my life and I can't just end it.