Hello everyone, this is my first post on any forum so I am sorry if it is messy. I needed to get some things off my chest as i can not afford to go to therapist yet and also maybe some advise.
In the past few years i have come to the realization and acceptance that i am trans. When i was young i would always ask my parents if i could be a girl. Those conversations quickly ended with do i like boys which when i first asked at the age of three i could not answer. Later the convos ended with you can do what ever you want when your 18. Well im past 18 and in fact turned 19 Christmas eve.
A few things that hinted to me that i might be trans: When i was young i use to always talk about wanting to be a girl and even as far as dressing up in my own mothers clothing. When i dream i always am portrayed as a female, even when i try to make myself dream differently i cannot. And i have always liked the color pink and also i envied how women looked. Every time i would see a girl in high school i would always think, what if for just one day i could switch with her to finally figure out if this is what i want.
Then comes the confusing parts. I was raised in a family that is into motorcycles and guns and a lot of the other popular things men decide to do down in Louisiana. We would always go watch drag races and i LOVED them. My other two passions are video games and firearms. I like to take apart both computers and guns and see how they work, clean them, and provide maintenance. But then on the other hand when i walk through the mall for instance i look into the clothing stores for women, and not to stare at the mannequins like a lot of my friends did. When i looked into the stores i would always play out a scene of me walking in there like it was no ones business and shopping for things that i LIKED. Not what was based around what we are supposed to like.
I first spoke to my best friend that i have know since kindergarten and still hang out to this day. We are inseparable. I use to hint about if he would be my friend no matter what and eventually chicken out from telling him. Then one day i was so depressed about it that i did not even care if he knew. I told him and to my surprise he accepted me in an instant. Instead of shoeing me away we actually had a full blown conversation that lasted a couple of days. And never once did he try to steer me away. He was supportive which ever way that i was leaning.
I have always felt as though i did not belong in my own skin, as if god had messed up with which soul goes into which body, if god exists and that is a story for another day. I always saw myself and thought of myself as a girl, but when you are 5'7 and 300 pounds of muscle covered in hair it is hard to portray that. I always think about what type of girl i would be and i would always think that i would be the tomboy girl if that makes since. I long to wear dresses and makeup and fit in shopping with my best friends, but on the other hand driving my harley from '63 everwhere i go and taking my guns to the shooting range every now and then.
I like girls and i at one point dated a girl from twin peaks who all up and disappeared. I showed up to eat and her boss did not know where she was and neither did i. The other girl i dated was a girl that worked at a motorcycle dealership in the parts department. She was very beautiful and drove her own crotch rocket. I always picture myself as not really dating someone. And when i think about dating a girl it makes me depressed, and when i think about a guy i just kinda shake it off. My counsler at school before i graduated use to hang out alot and talk. She always would joke and call me a lesbian because she knew that i wanted to be a girl but she also knew that i was dating girls. And every time she called me that it felt right. Until i looked into a mirror and felt like i did not match what i thought. At times i felt imagined ripping my skin off and revealing another person underneath. The person i always longed for "ME".
This was typed hastily and i again apologize for any errors. I can post more later i am just going to hang out with my best friend right now. Thank you to all that take their time out of their day to give me advice or a few words.
A big warm welcome to the family Alice! I am so glad you found us because now you know you are not alone in all of this. All the information and stories you get here are provided by REAL people at all different stages of transition from questioning to Post Op. We really care and want to see you succeed in becoming the real you. You will see here what works or doesn't along with tips and suggestions for almost anything you could need. Feel free to rant, vent, share good news (we like this a lot), learn or just have some distracting fun and meet the rest of the family here. I am not a Therapist, but it sounds like you have Gender Dysphoria to me. Your next step should be to contact a Therapist with Gender experience and go from there. I found mine at Oklahoma State University in the Psychology Department. You do not have to be a student and I pay only $10.00 a session, so check out your closest college or university to see if they do this as well. Here is a BIG HUG :icon_hug: to welcome you and make you feel right at home, because you are now! :)
Thank you very much. I am amazed at how fast you responded it makes me feel as if there is hope. I can not go to the nearest college as that is LSU and i have alot of friends that go there and some that work there. The nearest to me is a Guy that is a little north of me maybe a 30 minute trip on my iron horse. Only downside is that he charges 80 dollars per visit and you pay when you schedule with no refund if you have to cancel. I wish i had insurance to cover it but my company does not offer that kind of insurance.
Just tell your friends that you are being seen for depression or something. The Therapist can not disclose the real reason for your visit and will keep it confidential. You can trust them sweetie.
I know that its just that i use to go to college there and i resigned because of an amazing job offer. And it would bring on alot of questioning before i am ready. Plus im a bit of a cheapskate when it comes to paying to park. They charge a good bit there to park on campus.
Also why does my account say i am a visitor if i already made an account?
Go disguised? Maybe wear sun glasses or something. LSU is a big campus, imagine it wouldn't be that hard to avoid people. If u run into someone you know, lie and say you are thinking about re-enrolling for a bit or something.
Your acc says your a visitor because you only have a few posts. As you get more it will change. A mod will come by and give you all the rules.
Also, welcome to Susans!
Said Mod crawls to the computer
Hi, and welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way :) Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks ( including when you can upload an avatar/post links and photos) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
- Age and the Forum (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,62197.msg405545.html#msg405545)
- Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
But seriously. Welcome indeed honey and feel free to post away and to meet lots of new and really nice people. But just be wary of the Aussies.
Strange bunch so I'm told. :laugh:
Welcome
Cindy
You will be. You... will... be.