Hi ladies,
I keep trying to start this, but it has already spiraled into a pages-long life story twice. I was an English major and am now an English teacher, and I tend to get somewhat long-winded at times, especially when I'm trying to sort things out. So, attempt three: I'll try to get right to the point.
Hi. Please call me Tegan. I am 33 years old, happily married, and I have come to realize in the past year that I am transgender.
Although I have pretty much always had certain thoughts and desires (I have fit the definition of a ->-bleeped-<-c since I was a kid), I never acknowledged them as anything more than fantasies. At the start of Summer break last year, I got really sick with the flu. At the same time, my wife was just starting a new job and having to put in a lot of hours, meaning that I was home alone in bed, drugged up (cold medicine makes me loopy), with nothing but the internet for several days. That's when, in my wanderings, I came across someone's transition timeline, and my jaw just dropped. I had picked up a little information about ->-bleeped-<- here and there, but this was the first time I saw just what a drastic change could occur through HRT. My image of the "man in the dress" was shattered.
Over the next couple of days, I thought about that timeline a lot. It was some nights later, when I was feeling mostly better but was still a little loopy from the medicine that I sat up late with my wife. We were talking and watching TV and joking and drinking. We were both just getting a bit faded and enjoying each other's company, as we are wont to do. Anyway, at some point in the night, I went upstairs to use the restroom and in the low light I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror, and I saw HER. It was the first time that I had considered that I could even possibly look female, but in this light I could see it. My heart started pounding out of my chest, and I realized that this might be something I want. It was the first time I had ever thought this in a non-fantasizing capacity, and I have to say it scared me a lot.
So I was panicked for the next week or so, until I broke down and reached out to a friend, telling him everything. He was surprised, but supportive. We both agreed that I should do nothing rash. So, of course, the following night in a flow of tears and panic, I told my wife in probably the worst way possible.
It was a nightmare. "You have to be joking, please tell me you're joking." She doesn't always handle crisis well, and when she gets riled up, the claws and fangs come out hard. In an instant, I transformed from the man she loved, to the bitch who had lied to her. I tried to explain that I loved her, that I- me, whoever I was- loved her and that she loved me, and that our connection shouldn't go anywhere, because I was still ME and always would be. But she started in about how I was going to have to move out, how she would not have me in HER bed, etc. I realized that I had better go for a couple hours to give her time to calm down.
I got caught up in a serious traffic crunch, which gave me time to call my friend, who did the best he could to try to soothe me. I got to the movie theater 45 minutes later (it should have taken 10). I sat a little in the car to steady myself, then went up and bought a ticket. Within 5 minutes of sitting down, a realization struck me: I WASN'T transgender at all! What a ridiculous notion! I had just been confused. Alcohol and cold medicine and exhaustion mixed in with a bit of depression had tricked me into thinking the wrong thing. Imagine- the idea of me in a dress. Ridiculous.
I called my wife up immediately. "I was wrong. I'm coming home." We stayed up late that night, as I tried to explain how that aforementioned cocktail had led me down the wrong path of thinking. I have issues with my family, particularly my brother and my father, and I connected that my rejection of my maleness was really a rejection of them. "I grew up to be a very different man than either of them, and it confused me. I got my wires crossed." It's important to note that I believed all of this. My wife, still tense, accepted my explanation. The following day, I told my friend the same explanation. Now, all that remained was putting it all in the past.
It worked for a while. Summer fun (Comic Con!) was a welcome distraction, and as the new school year reared its head, I was informed that I was being transferred from the school that I had been at for the previous four years. I'm not always good with change, and the stress that came with this transfer was more than enough to keep my mind occupied for a while.
Slowly but surely, though, I started being haunted by the memory of my "coming-out" the previous Summer. I'd remember it, and feel a stab of shame, sharp enough to make me wince. These moments came more and more frequently, at least a few times a day.
By early February of this year, I started to soften again to the possibility that there was more going on with me. I began to look at transition videos and timelines again. I settled on a name. I've purchased a couple of books, and have a couple more on the way. I've stopped chewing on my nails and fingers, a 25- year habit. I've thinned my eyebrows quite a bit. I've decided to let my hair grow for a while. I see HER in the mirror quite often now. I've made no decisions about how next to proceed. I don't want to lose my wife.
Despite her initial reaction to the idea of HER, my wife is probably the best person I know. She is my best friend and we do everything together. We're that sickly-cute couple that people love to hate. In fact, we get a lot of flak from unhappy and ill-adjusted people, just by virtue of being us. But we love being us- weird, friendly, geeky, adventurous, creative us. Seriously, I love this woman. Before she came into my life, I was a mess of self-loathing and anger. She had similar baggage, but we've grown together and healed and evolved. I can honestly say that being with her has made life worth living and has taught me that I'm lovable. I stopped trying to hurt myself when she came into my life- all she had to do was ask. I stopped reliving the hopeless feeling I felt on my 25th birthday, which I spent under 72-hour observation after swallowing half a bottle of migraine medicine. When I met her, I started healing. I have learned to love myself and look at the world in such a healthier way, and I owe so much of that to my relationship with my wife.
We have no children, nor can we. Due to medical reasons on her end, we were never able to conceive, even with the fertility treatments covered by insurance. I think we've both come to peace with that. We have a menagerie of pets- cats, dogs, and a fish. They're our family. I love our family, and I don't want to lose it. I don't want to start over. I want the life I have. I'm not worried about friends, family, or work. Not really.
I'm not even especially worried about the money (though that is a concern as I have no idea what, if anything my insurance would cover). I used to think that my build was a deal-breaker, but not so much anymore. I am 6'0, 162 lbs, with (unfortunately) size 12 feet. So, there's things I can't change. This would have been enough to dissuade me in the past, but I've seen how much hormones can reshape soft tissue and I rather think I could pull off the tall, slender look (even with my feet on the larger side). At least I'd like to try.
The only thing I'm truly worried about is losing what I have with my wife. My fondest wish right now would be for her to just turn to me on the couch one day and say, "Go ahead. Do it. I love you, and we'll find a way to make it work."
But I know that I don't get to take it back the next time I bring it up, and the next time it comes up, I may very well get the same reaction as I did the first time around. I want this badly, but I'm not sure if I'm willing to risk what I have in my life.
This is really eating me up, and sending me on a roller coaster of emotions throughout my day. I'm just feeling lost and sort of alone. I've only recently discovered this site. So many of you are so brave, so admirable, and so beautiful. I know my story isn't wholly unique, and so I figured it might help me a little if I reached out.
So, this is me, being as brief as I can in my long-winded sort of way. But anyway, here I am. Hi.
Talk to me. Please.
-Teg
Hi Tegan.
Welcome to Susan's, your virtual family.
It can a difficult ride, living in the wrong body. I guess, given that you have explored this topic, that you have heard similar stories, the girl inside wanting to get out. My first inkling came before I was in kindergarden. Proceed with caution, my dear. By the way, you should, if you haven't done so already, check out the stories in the Introductions area. There's a wealth of knowledge there.
I think you need to see a therapist who deals with transgender issues. If you are indeed trans, your bell will eventually go off loudly, so some professional help will be of service to you now. You will get support here, advice, virtual hugs... :icon_hug: this is a place for you to vent, and a safe place for you to learn more about yourself and your sisters. I would have to say, though, lose the pictures post-haste. You are a teacher, you should not be identified as an herbophile if you wish to continue in that vocation unharassed. My opinion only, weigh in girls and boys, what say you?
I hope that didn't sound ominous :) I'm just looking after my little sister's well being. I pray your journey goes smoothly. We are here to help.
A big warm welcome to the family Tegan! If you have any doubts as to the effectiveness my avatar is me now. I started at 47 and was an Alpha dog Firefighter/Paramedic for 28 years, so yes, HRT does wonders. I am glad you found us because this family is a treasure trove of good advice and support. All of the information you get here is provided by REAL people at all stages of transition from questioning to Post Op. You will learn what works or doesn't with great tips and suggestions in between. Feel free to rant, vent, learn, share good news (we like that a lot) or just have some distracting fun and meet the rest of the family. Here is a BIG HUG :icon_hug: to welcome you and make you feel right at home! :)
PS-Ellie is right. Pics, teacher and herbophile not a good mix. Kids are too smart these days with tech. :)
Being a teacher you need to be doubly careful with pictures on the web. You also need to stop your references to smoking pot, it is against site rules. Medical license or not.
Apologies. I'll correct everything as soon as I can.
pleased to meet you fizzy, I hope everything goes well for you in the near future, enjoy yourself
Hi Tegan, and welcome to Susan's. I'm glad you're here to ask us questions, and in that process get more advice than you ever expected.
So, you may as well get used to struggling with your gender questions and see a qualified Gender Therapist as Ellie suggested. I know my saying this might sound a bit premature, but you've started to accept some terribly important things about yourself and it's time to talk it out. After all you're making changes to the way you look, and that unquestionably makes you at least Transgender. But remember the trans spectrum is wide, and it encompasses everything from acting feminine every now and then, to dressing privately or in public, and to being unconditionally driven to transition. It's important to understand where you fit into the spectrum today, but you also have to honestly accept what you know about yourself, and whether that means more changes in the future. And yes, a therapist will help.
And this is going to upset you. But talk to your wife again soon after you discuss it with a therapist because it'll be a mistake if you wait too long. If you keep this inside and wait she'll feel even more like you've been lying, hiding, and betraying her. And keep in mind that you can't control her thoughts, opinions, decisions, or actions. She hasn't said anything to you, but be assured since you talked to her once about possibly being trans she's already questioning who you are, and wondering if your going to change.
I don't know if my advice is worth a dime to you, but it's based on my experience. I've done almost everything wrong from the day I decided to hide who I was, and I'd hate to see anyone make the same mistakes.
Gosh, Tegan, I hope we didn't scare you off. We are sincerely trying to look after your best interests where this issue is concerned. We have all known and seen pain, and we want to do anything we can to lighten your burden and help things go as smoothly as possible. I will echo Kathy's admonition, do revisit this with your wife soon after you have seen a therapist, emphasizing AFTER. I watched my wife classically exemplify The Kubler-Ross model when I came out at the age of 58. You know, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance... she has her own therapist now. Tegan, we are what we are and inexorably, that must be addressed.
Ugh. I did not have a good night. There's a storm in my head.
I'm not very good at feeling okay with reaching out for help, and the shame hit me hard on my commute home.
In Arthur Miller's The Crucible, Giles Corey is pressed to death by having weights placed one by one on his chest. I think I might know a little how he felt. The refrains that have been repeating in my head for the past 16 hours or so have been "What the hell is wrong with me?", "I feel so stupid", and "I hate myself so much."
I'm not sure that I handled my introduction as I should have. As I said, it was my third attempt and I was tired of wanting to post something, but scrapping everything I wrote. I know it probably reads like an incident report, and probably not a very interesting one at that. If you took the time to read through it, I appreciate your time.
I am sorry again for breaching the rules for posting- I should have read them before. Now I fear that I may have given some of you a poor first impression, or perhaps even offended someone. If that is true, please accept my apology. I also regret posting pics of myself, as a number of you seem to agree that that was not wise. I will read and respond to everyone who was kind enough to reply to me, but give me a little time.
I really don't know what I'm doing. I feel lost. It's not a good feeling.
No offense taken, hon. My first impression of you: someone is going through a dilemma which is very familiar to me. This person is, as I was, confused, hurting and reaching out for help. Am I wrong? Tegan, your intro was just fine, we were concerned about you and your privacy and our first instinct was to try to protect you from any harm. No need to feel like Giles, no witch hunting going on here :)
Tegan, I have a pretty good idea of what you are going through. I should say "we", as I am sure the other girls and boys here know this all too well too. This is a very good place to explore your uncertainty, your feeling of isolation, your confusion and that blossoming dysphoria that is building up in your chest. Everyone here, MTF, FTM, we have all felt that, we all endure the pain, but here we can talk with each other and in that colloquium, we heal ourselves a bit. You may see in the discussion threads, frequent references to "my therapist", "my shrink", "the doc"... Just a prod, there sis. Find a therapist, unload and learn. You will deal with this better when you have professional help.
I must emphasize, you are welcome here with open arms, we are your friends and family. We will hear your saga, your anguish, your regrets and your triumphs as well. We will share with you our ups, our downs, our strategies for coping, hell... some of us might even let you in on our makeup tips :D
We are not here to judge you. We have all come here to help each other. Welcome to the family.
Quote from: EllieM on March 19, 2014, 11:20:25 AM
we were concerned about you and your privacy and our first instinct was to try to protect you from any harm.
This is right, no judgment or shame, just protection. That's what we do here sweetie! :)
It's o.k. Tegan. We've all done similar things, so don't worry.
And post whenever you need to get some of that weight off your chest. That's what Susan's is for hun.
Hugs K
The roller coaster. The emotional roller coaster.
I don't have long to type. My wife is on her way home from dance class.
I'm feeling a bit better now (crying helps), thanks to the warm welcome I have received. I was honestly afraid to come back after I posted yesterday.
Then, being addressed by the name I asked to be addressed by- thank you for doing so, but - god that felt WEIRD.
By now my heart was pounding, and then although you gave me such kind welcomes, all I saw were the mentions of things I might want to amend/remove, and I thought, "hell, I've already effed up, haven't I?"
I have a default for feeling like I'm in trouble. Like, I'm sitting in the principal's office, and no matter whether I did something wrong or not, I'm in trouble. And I feel guilty, because whether I did something or not, I KNOW that I deserve the punishment coming. It's something I've been working through for a while, especially since I literally deal with a principal from time to time ( an unavoidable aspect of being an educator), and this one actually has enough faith in me to put me in charge of the drama department next year, so that must say something in my favor.
I've been spending my lunchtimes lately with a student who has emotional issues. I feel like she's the 16-year old me, and I've been trying hard to make sure that she takes care of herself, in addition to providing full disclosure to her various therapists. She made an attempt on her life last week (a half-hearted attempt, a cry for help, really) and went on a 51-50. We've been having our lunchtime chats since she got back and she seems really good. Today, she kept asking ME what was wrong, and after she pressed for a while, I couldn't hold back the tears. I didn't tell her anything, besides letting her know that adults have their issues that they need to work through as well. I explained what dysphoria is (made NO MENTION WHATSOEVER to the gender aspect of it), told her that I would set up an appointment to speak to someone, and thanked her for her concern. She's a sweet girl, and I appreciate her concern, though I could never ethically lean on her emotionally. It bothers me, though, that she could see it in my face. Thankfully, most of the rest of my students have the emotional empathy of gnats. I say that affectionately, of course.
As I promised her, I set an appointment for next week. Tuesday. I'll have to take the day off, but whatever. Julius Caesar can wait a day, right?
I wanted to keep busy after work today, so I decided to go bowling while my wife was at dance class. I don't do this often, I'm not great, though I have my own ball and stolen shoes. Whatever- I averaged over 100 per game, so I didn't embarrass myself at least. Anyway, between frames, I mustered the courage to read responses, and I want to thank those of you who took the time to welcome me. I realized quickly that my feeling of persecution came from within and not from without. Thank you, your kind and encouraging words help.
It's funny to note that each time I sat down and made myself read further, I almost always followed that reading with a literal strike. Pins everywhere. Thanks for helping me keep my personal average up. :-)
The tears came whenever I read something that I had written.
So, next Tuesday. Therapist. They told me I couldn't meet with my previous therapist yet (ugh-the gatekeepers of healthcare), since it's been over 4 months since we last had an appointment. Whatever. I was seeing her for unspecified depression, and although she was great, she might not be the person I need right now anyway. A change might be good.
Any suggestions for what to say? Again, I fall into "talking to the principal" mode, and can often understate problems in the process, or end up acting so casual and okay that my distress is never really communicated.
Again, thank you all again. Thank you for the acceptance and the kindness. I'm still wrapping my head around it- I get to be Tegan here.
Weird.
Thank you, ladies.
Nothing new to report today, but I wanted to express my gratitude.
I feel better now that I have an appointment to speak to somebody. Thanks for the encouragement to do so. Sometimes I neglect my needs unless I am explicitly told to take care of myself. So, thanks. :-)
-Teg
As I said before, Tegan, we are here for you, we understand what you are feeling and we want to help. I am thrilled to hear that you will be seeing someone on Tuesday! Certainly, a step toward healing. Your account of your lunchtime meetings with the unhappy young lady really tugged at me. Bravo, for your concern for her, brava for her concern for you. As to the emotional capacity of 16 year olds... well they are usually pretty wrapped up in their own stuff and unless something smacks them in the face (metaphorically, that is), that don't typically get it. Just part of growing up. Probably a good thing, adolescence is such a difficult time to begin with (as you may recall).
About the weirdness associated with being addressed by your "other" name. The first time you hear another person addressing you by your new name, whew! What a trip. I recall my first visit to a local support group coffee house night, and hearing my name spoken out loud by somebody else, addressing me. I must say, I did get a bit misty.
What to say on your first visit to the therapist? (Yes I know that's not a complete sentence :> )
I started with, "I think I have a gender issue." The question "why?" came back, and I went on to describe the discomfort I felt, and how at different points in my life these thoughts popped into my head, the desire to be female. I spoke of cross dressing that began even before puberty (first, second grade). I told the doc about the confusion, "why do I do this?". For a while, I thought I might be gay, but after exploring that "in depth" (ha ha) I discovered that I love women. I remember, in my twenties, responding to the question, "are you gay?" with, "why yes, I am. I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body". Little did I know.
Over the course of a few sessions, I recounted everything I could recall about my sexual life and about my odd gender-related behaviours and feelings that something was not quite right. She offered a diagnosis of gender dysphoria and we set about exploring ways for me to deal with that, and delving into it further.
Listen, Teg, it's good that you are getting to confront this relatively early on. I was in my fifties when I worked up the courage to face it. On a positive note, I should add that since I began therapy, I have come to a better place mentally.
Jessica, Sarah, Lavinia, Kathy, and especially Ellie- I want to thank you all for responding. Really, it means a lot to me.
I think I might head on over to the introduction section, as suggested, and properly introduce myself. This introduction was more like, "hi, I'm freaking out!" I think I could do a little better next time. I could share hobbies, interests, my 8-step plan for world domination- that kind of stuff.
I think I'll head over there right now.
Hello Teg :)
Fellow newbie here. Congratulations for piecing together the post :) I took a while trying to figure out how to introduce myself too :P
There where many parallels between your story and mine so the advice everyone has shared has been quite helpful.
I thank you for sharing, for reaching out, and for those who have answered the call. It is uplifting to experience a process of mutually beneficial healing :)
We tend to be quite proficient at selling ourselves our fears as truths. And, in turn, make them our reality.
Now you wouldn't want someone to sell you something you didn't want, so why sell yourself the things you don't want?
Get creative with your optimism. Think about how much more you have to gain from knowing yourself better. The informed decisions that will enrich your life in new and surprising ways.
Its a nice perspective to treat yourself to, I find its a good break from the heaviness that thoughts can have sometimes :)
You will only get better at being you. And she loves you. So whats there to fear really? :)
take care teg
Quote from: Fizzy on March 20, 2014, 09:55:13 PM
Jessica, Sarah, Lavinia, Kathy, and especially Ellie- I want to thank you all for responding. Really, it means a lot to me.
I think I might head on over to the introduction section, as suggested, and properly introduce myself. This introduction was more like, "hi, I'm freaking out!" I think I could do a little better next time. I could share hobbies, interests, my 8-step plan for world domination- that kind of stuff.
I think I'll head over there right now.
kewel! I'm looking forward to the 8-step plan, if you are in need of someone to fill the role of benevolent despot, please consider this to be my application for that position :) I like it when a plan comes together :D