So, tonight I went out with this guy or today and he took me to this Japanese restaurant, we went geocaching, and then we went back to his place watched some TV, ordered Chinese food, watched the Walking Dead and then we made out, cuddled and on the way driving me home I played with him a little. He obviously, likes me...a lot (i think). Well, he does. And I feel given time I could really like him. We have a lot in common and he's smart, he's a lawyer and yeah, I know that's really great. But, then there's my ex, who wanted a break, is messing with some girl, has a drug problem, and the other guy is so much better for me...but, there is something about James, my ex, that I just love. We can talk on the phone for hours. I believe our record is 10 hours straight. And no matter what he says, I know he loves me. You don't talk to somebody for hours at a time about whatever just because. But maybe he doesn't. I never had so many people who liked me. But is it wrong to go out with this guy when I have such strong feelings for someone else? What should I do? When did I turn into Anna Karinina?
Just don't end things the way she did, hehe. About the guys, hm, you just have to do whatever you think feels right? Idk, I know that isn't helpful but I don't think I can help you very much with that.
H'okay.... staaaandards.
Standards.
... Standards.
Falling in love is easy for many and I've found that trans chicks are no exception to this rule and kinda even inherit the jokes about what lesbians bring on the second date (a U-Haul).
So.
What does that weird little ramble have to do with your situation? Well, your ex, right? I mean, you have history and you have chemistry and all the fixings... but he's a hot mess. A HOT MESS THAT YOU SHOULD NOT DATE/HAVE SEX WITH/ETC. Guys like him have a charisma, true, but it's not worth putting yourself in a situation where you'd be in a position to have to settle for someone else's already-certifiably-crappy behavior. Falling in love with an ex is suuuper easy because you've already got this weeded out treasure trove of memories where you remember all the good things and forget about the drug use and the playing around. You'll forget about how it made you feel while acknowledging that it exists... because girl brains are stupid or something. We've all been there or, at least, I have.
The new guy? He likes you. You seem to like making him like you and maybe there will be a future there. Maybe there won't. One way or the other, someone that hasn't broken your standards is all about kissing you up while doing hipster dating rituals (geocaching/Walking Dead... it is what it is, I don't judge). I'd say that if and only if your ex gets his stuff together for a long time and comes back to you wanting you like the only thing in the world and you happen to be free would it be a good idea to get back with him.
The new lawyer guy? Yeah, I'd at least pursue that with earnest and undivided intent.
Your ex should be below your standards. You need to keep those standards to keep on an even keel with your self-respect. We've all fallen off that wagon (bad boys with personality flaws are just so damned alluring) but once we learn the lesson, only the idiots go back... and then the rest of us gossip about her horrible life decisions.*
*Things that really happen in the 150+ member circle of women that I inhabit.
P.S. - You are not a bad person. You're just falling prey to the phenomenon that many of my friends call "stupid ho syndrome." The upshot of knowing that phrase is that you can avoid being one if you know the signs.
<cue ABC's 'The More You Know' music>
^ this
If your ex is seeing someone else, no reason to feel bad. You still have feelings for him, but everybody's got an ex. The lawyer probably has an ex. You're not a bad person for trying someone else out. You're not leading him on because you still have feelings for an ex. You're only leading him on if you're really not interested in getting to know him better. Go for it, he sounds great!
When someone is with me, they're with me. They're faithful and certain I'm right for them and I trust them. If any of those things are not true, they are not "with me". At best we are casually dating. Both of us are free to try other directions.
Maturity has many, many definitions.
The one I like best is that maturity is making decisions that are best for you in the long run rather than those that feel good at the moment.
I'm very glad that you've been honestly blunt with me in the past, and gave me a view of my situations that others hadn't. So don't feel that I'm picking on you now, or that I think you're a bad person - because you're not.
So, I'll second what Victoria said. But I need to add that your ex is still using you just like as he used you in the past. He's a typical user, and not just a typical drug user, but a typical user of people. He's learned how to manipulate you and he'll continue it if you give him the opportunity. From your earlier posts about him it was clear he had swept you into his world, then used you for sex, and ultimately to help with his drug use. You may have even given him money or helped with some other financial purpose that might have included him taking your money for his drugs. And now that you've split up he's using you as a telephone partner to discuss his life problems, while he allows you to say whatever you want. Best thing to do is to cut him out of your life now, before he takes advantage of you, or coerces you into giving him sex, money, or even assistance with his drug addiction. I remember you saying that you had to give him his drug injections, and I felt it was despicable of him to ask you for that help, and to USE you in that way. If you ever got back with him he'd be dragging you down into his decrepit and depressing pit for another round of disappointment. Don't ever let it happen again.
I'm sorry if you're mad at me now, but someone had to say this.
Hugs honey, and please stay safe.
wasn't the x the one that broke it off
You know we're going through a similar period here and I've gotten increasingly close to this new guy while I'm on break from my current guy, and it was the right decision. I confided about the situation to a good, straight male friend (always great to have that perspective) and he said something that really resonated: "Try not to compare the new guy to the other guy. See the new guy for what he is." And since my friend gave me that advice I've been enjoying spending time with the new guy a lot more, because I'm much more aware of the wonderful qualities he has, rather than him not doing things like the other person. One of those wonderful qualities is that the new guy is fully accepting of me being trans in a way that will take the guy I'm on a break from a long time to be. So yay. Let's talk in a month when we have two guys wanting to be with us and deal with that problem then. ;)
It is not wrong to go out with the Lawyer. You are single and unattached. Your x is your X.
I have had my wife of 7 years(been ex for 17 years) do drug thing wreck perfect thing ... After few years in prison she thought she just pop in my life. (Wrong) your heart seems to some how what to try again . Look at the big picture YOUR GOOD PERSON do not go back to past it is not good just because small part of your heart says its ok ... Set your heart on hold and listen to your head .This new person in your life has positive feelings for you .Enjoy have new relationship . I bet they will bring out stuff from you that you have not felt before . They say you cant go back in past and make it happen again ( true love ) . fact not fiction . aka sara
You're just falling prey to the phenomenon that many of my friends call "stupid ho syndrome." The upshot of knowing that phrase is that you can avoid being one if you know the signs.
LOL.... Oh I love the "stupid ho syndrome" comment, I hate to admit it but I may have, probably have fit that description on more than one occasion.
Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on March 24, 2014, 01:37:59 AMThe new lawyer guy? Yeah, I'd at least pursue that with earnest and undivided intent.
^^ This ^^
Excellent advice. Even if he wasn't a lawyer (or rather, despite the fact that he is a lawyer :P), this is excellent advice. Just avoid the ex "bad boy". Hell, some of us used to be those bad boys ourselves, and we know all too well that we should be avoided like the plague. Odd to think that we'd never date our past selves, but it's a unique perspective we have on life.
I juts wanted to thank everyone for all their responses. They were very helpful. And I really appreciate them. I know I dislike it when someone posts a question like this and never states the outcome. So, it's still up in the air. But last night I went out with Guy 2 (the lawyer) and I had great time. He took me to this four star restaurant, we slept at a hotel in the heart of the city with the most beautiful view, uh, did other stuff lol and it was amazing. This morning we went out to breakfast and I'm far from a morning person so hopefully I wasn't too weird. But, he has texted me since, so I guess it's good.
As far as my ex, well, he just checked himself into rehab. So, there is that. He also apologized for all his behavior. So, there's that too. I hung out with all day tow days ago and made sure he was okay and got to detox and all. Really, what kind of woman would I be if I didn't. The strong kind. Possibly. But, he has helped me tremendously and I would not have made it to this point without him. I was like an injured bird he nursed back to health. I shouldn't ->-bleeped-<- on him now from above. Plus, he went to rehab. So that's a pretty big deal and I'm really proud of him and soooo happy.
He knows I'm dating the guy and all he said is good for you....whatever, you do, don't get too emotional and mushy like you always do and fall in love with him. Why he doesn't want me to fall in love with someone else? Weird. He also ditched that chick and told me he isn't sure about his ex.
What I'm going to do now...I'm going to go out with Guy 2 and see where it goes and I'll stay friends with my ex, but stand my ground. Mainly, I'll see what happens when he gts out. But I won't lie, part of me feels like maybe someday...IDK. Right now, I'm going to give Guy 2 a chance and give myself a chance.
So, really, thank you so much for all your support and love.
XOXOXO
Sounds like life is opening some interesting opertunities for you Joanna :)
You're not a bad person Joanna
Sometimes relationships break down and it is time to move on
I would imagine that nearly all off us have had our fair share of heartbreaks and have broken a few hearts along the way
Heck, I'd even encourage some of my ex's to see other people and some would call me up for advise on their new relationships and/or try to get back together
Started to feel a bit like Dear Abby
Anyway, I quit doing romantic relationships about 15 years ago and have kept everyone on a sister, brother or 'just friends' status, but that's just me
I wish you the best of luck in your new adventures and think you'll be fine
But remember, we are all here for you
Hugs
Joanna,
I know you love him, but the ex sounds bad for you. And I think you know he's bad for you. The lawyer sounds like a great guy- don't mess that up. Be present in that relationship, and show yourself how you deserve to be treated.
Good luck.
-Tegan
Quote from: Joanna Dark on March 27, 2014, 08:37:20 PM
IWhat I'm going to do now...I'm going to go out with Guy 2 and see where it goes and I'll stay friends with my ex, but stand my ground. Right now, I'm going to give Guy 2 a chance and give myself a chance.
You know we are going to hold you to this right? ;) Stick this on your fridge door, OK?
PS-I did edit out your quote though, you know, the part you don't need to think about anymore. Stick with the above quote and you will do just fine! :)
good luck