I am really not sure how to say what is on my mind so I am just going to ask the question? How do you cope with the loneliness of not having anyone but your therapist that truly understands the whole you. I know a lot of people but the only person who REALLY knows me has decided to leave my life. I am with my kids every day as she left them also but I just am having a hard time coping without having anybody else. Any advice or tips would be great. Also I am not complaining about the advice and support I have received here but sometimes it just seems like I am still all alone. Thanks for reading.
Oh it's sad to hear about how you feel Christine. I'm in the same position, except I've never had a partner or kids. I've never had any friends and I've always been alone. I don't know why, but I often enjoy being alone. I live at home with my parents and younger siblings, but other than that I never really talk that much to others. Sometimes I hate being alone though.
What I do to cope with my feelings of being lonely and misunderstood is being on this forum. I have so much inside of me that I want to let out, but I'm so afraid to tell anyone. So I spend a lot of time here and reading other peoples posts and threads about their feelings makes me feel a bit happier because I know there is a solution to every problem. I just have to find the solution for myself too.
I think the same about you, you have your kids and even if it's not any deeper level of understanding between you I'm sure that they get what you are going through one way or the other.
My approach starts differently from yours, and might seem pretty depressing to you, so apply some grains of salt and feel free to ignore.
I start from the notion that there's nobody who understands the whole me. Not therapist, not spouse, not siblings, etc.. We humans are pretty complex beings and we're also very different from each other. So I don't expect any one person to 'get' the whole me.
But different people understand significant parts of me. My siblings understand my childhood, so they're great to talk to when things happen now which bring that back to mind. Coworkers understand things relating to being a pretty hard core nerd (not a compliment in my age group). My spouse understands a lot, so is a good general person, but there are things about me that are in her blind spot. This is also true in converse -- things about my spouse (and everybody else) that I don't understand. So I am glad that my wife has friends. And that I have friends. No one person can understand everything for either of us.
So for tips, I'd suggest thinking smaller than a person or people to understand the whole you. A person or people who understand your love of (crafts, sports, beer, whatever), some other people who understand or at least are supportive of your transition, and so forth. Starting small and then you can build up (
This is, I understand, stereotypically 'guy' approach, and I'm a cis-guy, so that could be much of why it works for me. Then again, even guys are people, and even while people are different, we're not different species. Worth a try?
Quote from: cisdad on March 25, 2014, 08:53:39 AM
My approach starts differently from yours, and might seem pretty depressing to you, so apply some grains of salt and feel free to ignore.
I start from the notion that there's nobody who understands the whole me. Not therapist, not spouse, not siblings, etc.. We humans are pretty complex beings and we're also very different from each other. So I don't expect any one person to 'get' the whole me.
But different people understand significant parts of me. My siblings understand my childhood, so they're great to talk to when things happen now which bring that back to mind. Coworkers understand things relating to being a pretty hard core nerd (not a compliment in my age group). My spouse understands a lot, so is a good general person, but there are things about me that are in her blind spot. This is also true in converse -- things about my spouse (and everybody else) that I don't understand. So I am glad that my wife has friends. And that I have friends. No one person can understand everything for either of us.
So for tips, I'd suggest thinking smaller than a person or people to understand the whole you. A person or people who understand your love of (crafts, sports, beer, whatever), some other people who understand or at least are supportive of your transition, and so forth. Starting small and then you can build up (
This is, I understand, stereotypically 'guy' approach, and I'm a cis-guy, so that could be much of why it works for me. Then again, even guys are people, and even while people are different, we're not different species. Worth a try?
Isn't it said that men are from Mars and women from Venus?
But I think your advice are great and that it is a sound way of reasoning and dealing with your feelings.
Journaling helped me. I would write down how I felt and read it later. I know my later self will totally understand.
I am and I have always been a very lonely person.
I just had my father and mother...they are gone now. I still have my grabdfathers. I don't have friends, excpept by several colleagues and one potential real friend that is too shy and I cannot talk with him about my issues.
I can only talk to my gender therapist...and with all you from Susans!
So, do you know what helped me to relieve me from all this "Eleanor Rigby" feeling?
YOU!
I am pretty sure that if it wasn't for this forum, I couldn't be where I am. I would be feeling so depressed (well, this is normal to me) and I wouldn't have the strenght to go on.
You will never be alone with us here! I don't want to sound "cliche" but this is true. For people like us, this is true.
Share your feelings with us, talk, write some silly things and play on the fun topics. Be yourself. Here we all understand and we will always support you :)
But, yes, there are times when being on the forum is not enought...when we have to turn off the computer.
I normally can cope with it by playing videogames, wathing a movie, going to the cinema, running on a park...I enjoy looking at the nature and see the beauty of life on the smallest things, like tears falling on a leaf after a rain! If you can learn to do it, you'll feel much better!
I deal with this too on a regular basis as I can't talk to my family about this and I don't have a partner to talk to. This place helps, but even then, it can still be a very lonely road. What I do is either play video games, or set little mini goals for myself to help me keep distrated.
Thank you for the advice everyone you all have some good ideas. I helped myself today by talking to the cashier at the supermarket. At least I had five minutes of distraction :)
Video games help. Try to talk to people on there. Doesn't always work out that well but at least it something. Really some days I'm perfectly fine with it, others not so much.
This place helps a lot too. Even if I don't post anything, I realize I'm not alone in the world with these thoughts. Get some cats, that always helps they always want attention.
I've always been somewhat of a loner. I do like the company of other people but I'm very picky. During my mid teens I had a relatively big group of friends that I had daily contact with because we were all going to the same school. We continued having regular contact until around my 20s when I lost the desire to do stuff with friends. Everyone kinda went their own way. And now in university I find it a pain to make new friends in a class of 150 people. Usually you get to know people when you have to make assignments together. But 70% of my class is male and I don't like how most of them communicate when working together. I don't find it 'hard' to make new contacts but making friends is not easy.
Human being is basically lonely.
Being with my kids relieves my loneliness a lot.
I love my kids.
barbie~~
The reason I come here or any other trans-forum is because I want to talk about myself, and also know that I'm not alone. I've never come out to anyone in real life, and probably won't any time soon. I don't hate being lonely, I like it, I've always been an introvert. but I wish there were people in real life who I could share my gender issues with.
Sometimes when I'm talking to people I trust, I think "I wish I could tell you, but I can't".
So sorry to hear
If you are in NY, I will be happy to meet you
I will be happy to hear more about you
you are sad casue she left or more because of loneliness?
Thank you asheriko. It is both I think. Unfortunately I a am not in New York. I think I am just overwhelmed and sometimes you just need a real in the flesh person to talk to. More about me I am a 42 year old with three kids who has never told anyone with the exception of my therapist about his gender issues or confusion or however you want to term it. I have always felt like a girl but have kept it buried forever. And now the only person I have ever spoken honestly about it to is gone. I don't know what else I can say. I get up every day and carry on as best I can for my kids. I don't know what I would do without them.
Christinetobe, hugs.
Being a parent is one of the most rewarding thing I did in life.
I know you are lonely, especially for a caring ally. Perhaps a local LGBT center has a trans group you could attend. You could fined a great friend there and help each other to cope with daily issues.
Losing a significant other is very hard, I feel bad for you and the kids. Very difficult situation indeed.
I have used science experiments,
exercise,
support groups on line,
Therapy,
work,
being a spouse and parent to occupy my time.
I was thinking again about you
the spouse did something against the nature when she abandoned her children
I hope that now as she's gone, you will have more courage and haziness to pursue the change