(im mtf)
so I came yesterday and today with my regular male clothes, fighting with my self in an attempt to save my marriage,
trying to distract myself with the regular work stuff
i am trying to see if i can control that even though am suffering
was wondering if you are familiar with cases where you tried to control that and it outburst years later and you regret for didnt come out earlier in life?
I tried controlling it for 40 years, but it finally got where I could no more and had a live or die moment. You can only be unhappy and miserable so long before the body wins.
Do I regret not coming out earlier? That is a little tricky to answer. Yes I wish I had transitioned long before the "T" ruined my body and could have had a happier life without Dysphoria rearing it's ugly head. On the other hand NO I am glad I did not earlier because the skills I learned and experiences I had prepared me fully for a successful transition. It is kind of a double edged sword. I don't think I could have been as successful as I have been. I look at it as I earned my femininity the hard way and appreciate it much more fully. I don't have passing doubts, don't worry about others opinions and feel free and relaxed. I could not have done that with an earlier transition. :)
I actually did come out earlier in life and while I don't regret it now it did have some disastrous consequences. that I ended up paying dearly for and actually set my transition back for quite a few years. I have learned the right time to come out is really not until your mind is prepared to face the consequences.
When I came out back when I was a teen I quickly discovered I really wasn't prepared and I wasn't mature enough to transition. Now I was putting serious effort and planning into transitioning back when I was 20 too but I ended up chickening out because I thought I would never be able to look like a woman.
I've often thought how different my life would be now had I went through with it when I was 20. I've kinda come to the conclusion that I would have probably had a harder time making it all the way through. Mainly because transitioning is not easy not easy at all and I wouldn't have been mature enough then to handle the pressures I have ended up facing now.
But to answer your main question I would like to think it's possible to find a balance and not transition and I tried for 32 years and didn't find one. But I will tell you the truth in my case it got harder and harder to maintain a normal life such as it was as a guy. It was actually getting to the point I had to go for it because the lie that was my life then was just getting far to painful.
There are more than a few things that I regret about my life so far. I'm not really out to anyone but my wife and my doctors (ok, the pharmacist as well...). I regret the denial, the refusal earlier in my life to accept that I am trans. But, as Jessica said, it's a double edged sword. Because I was born in the early 1950s in a small industrial town 600km from the closest city, coming out sooner would have cost me dearly in terms of education and work opportunities, loss of family connections, and severe physical abuse at the hands of my "peers". I know I can still expect to lose relationships with family and "friends" as it becomes more obvious to people that "he's not the MAN he used to be", but I'll just have to live with that. As painful as that is, it cannot compete with the misery of gender dysphoria. Happy to say, that last thing is not so much an issue anymore thanks to my doctors ;)
I repressed it for about 18 years..I regret that every single day!
I did in the begining but then I realise I did not had the options to come out earlyer than I did.
so now I dont regret it.
I'm of the belief that if I had started transitioning earlier, I would have some semblance of happiness in my life. You'll never get those years back, and that haunts me every day. But, I'm confident once I finally go full time, I can live my life in peace. :)
Yes I regret not coming out earlier
but im still pretty young so maybe it wont be that bad...
If I wasnt such a scardy cat and also an idiot maybe I could have come out on 14 or something...
I waited till 19 so t has already done much damage to me, maybe I can reverse it...
Yes! But back then every time I tried my body would throw something at me (epilepsy would get out of control or parts of my body would brake down). Now eleven years later I'm in a better paying job almost out of debt. So the wait while painful hopefully spared me some emotional pain of doing to soon.
If I knew what I knew now... perhaps. But times were a lot different then, as I grew up in the 1950's and 60's. Public acceptance of a mixed gender presentation would have been harder. Even valid information was a lot harder to come by. So I believe I did the best I could with the information I had under the circumstances. Second guessing a decision I made, lack of action, not studying, blaming another person or society... whatever... it's just not worth the emotional energy.
I'm happy that I did find some answers. And that information has led me to a much happier place and a much better understanding of myself. I can now move on and live my life in a richer and more fulfilling way. :)
In one conversation with my mom, I did mention being afraid to say anything when I was a child and she assured me that they would have done what they could to help me. The thing is that during that time (mid 80's), the therapists would have likely recommended reparative therapy.
It came up in therapy for me in therapy during the mid 90's as a teen who attempted suicide. The psychiatrist who was an intern at the time didn't think I met the" proper criteria".
So even if I came out as a child and when I did as a teen, it changed nothing.
The thing is that whenever I run the "ideal transition age" thought experiment, it always comes up the same: the moment of conception.