Hi all :), I've been dealing with something over the last two weeks and I wasn't sure where else to turn, so since every MTF search query ended here, I thought I would open up to all you lovely people and get your opinion on my situation. I'm 26, just graduated from University, and currently unemployed (looking for work though :)) and a series of events led me to a book on gender (The Social Justice Advocate's Guide to Gender) which has thrown my world upside down.
You've probably heard this before, since it sounds cliché even as I type it, but I've known there was something – different – about me since I was young. I was fascinated with women, which I retrospectively justified as an early sex drive, and would spend hours looking through my mother's Cosmopolitan magazines and just... getting lost in the beauty. I would draw women in these overtly feminine dresses and feel proud of myself, but as I got older, I felt ashamed of my adoration of women and reduced women to sexual desire (along with my male friends, as I was emulating their male behavior to fit it). The older I got, the more I made a conscious effort to fit closer to my gender role, however (although now I understand) this led to depression even at a young age. I put on a bunch of weight, and become withdrawn and isolated, choosing to get lost in books in the library over playing sports of socializing. That sounds bad, but I did have select friends, and as I became an older teenage I used my 'somewhat' sensitive approach to 'pick up' a few girls here and there. I never felt comfortable in a relationship personally, I always felt out of place in my role. Even the books I read, I always chose books with female characters, and as a gamer growing up, I even preferred games with female heroes. But I didn't realize why until recently.
Aright, here goes, 26 years of repression being thrown off (I'm kind of emotional right now). The truth is, deep down, I've always known I was a woman. Always. I never consciously made myself aware of it, and when I did, I laughed at it because 'I don't find men attractive', thus, not a woman, right? ::) It took the book on gender to stripe away my religious upbringing's notion of sexual orientation not equalling gender. It sounds naive to even say it, and maybe I didn't WANT to see it, but me not being 'gay' convinced me that I was a 'man', just not a very good man (beta male, whatever).
But since realizing that my gender identiy has nothing to do with my sexual orientation, a flood gate has been opened in my head. My mind is going into overload, and it's all led to this post. My feminine side has been crying out since I was young for relief, and I reacted by striving always to be MORE masculine. If I bulk up, grow a beard, lower my voice, I'll fit in, right? Hah! So that's what I did. I assumed that me disliking 'male centered' activities was just me being eccentric, since I managed to hold onto some good, sensitive male, type friends who seem to identify just fine as males, as well as a few girlfriends who see me as a big brother of sorts.
And this 'manly' act worked very well. In fact, whereas I think I have a somewhat feminine expression, I've asked friends in the past and they always laughed at me, describing me as 'very masculine'. I never knew why I found their answers disappointing until recently :P This itself made me feel a little better, as I was 'passing' for male, but I still knew there were issues. Before the book, I assumed my body image issues came from being overweight, and I didn't know why I was opposed to losing the weight (I think it made me look softer/more feminine subconsciously) but at the age of 25 with 6 years being single (I've been with women here and there, but I always feel uncomfortable and break it off, and I've never climaxed because of my own discomfort in the situation) I decided to just lose the weight. I thought that it would 'cure me', so I found it in myself and started, and lost around 70 pounds over the last six months. To my horror, I like myself less and less in the mirror, and although people are constantly remarking on how good I look, I feel 'wrong'.
So once I finally acknowledged in my head that I was a woman, plain and simple, suddenly it all clicked. But now, 26 years of utter confusion has turned into absolute terror. My first thought was 'well, too bad I'm stuck as a male', but that didn't help at all. Then I started fantasizing about being reborn a female and how my family would be with me, and how I'd act, etc. The fantasy made me feel good, but it didn't solve anything either. But the only other option is to... what... dress in drag? That was how I was thinking before I started doing research, and the effects of the hormones coupled with the dedication to transition has astounded me. You're all such beautiful women, and I am terrified because right now all I can think about is needing to transition, but I don't think I'll pass by a long shot.
It terrifies me. I look like a man, and although I have somewhat soft features, and a somewhat higher voice, there are other features that just scream at me in the mirror and all I keep thinking is... I don't want to be stuck in transition for the rest of my life. I don't want to be disappointed and realize that's it, that's the best I can do with my body. I have a slightly receding hairline, though I'm going to grow it out the way I had it throughout middle school and high school (yeah, shocker). I'm European descent, so I am literally covered in hair, I have huge bushy eyebrows and knuckle hair, and toe hair, and UGH. I'm just so torn, do I just accept that I'm stuck as a male? Or do I try with such a large possibility of not passing? And the idea of coming out to people is destroying me, but at the same time, all I can think about is all the good results I've seen of the hormones and the other changes and it gives me a glimmer of hope.
Was it like this for you? I know that a lot of people just 'know' from very young and move forward with it. If I had been true to myself when I was younger, I think this would be (marginally) easier, but I feel like I'm getting older and I'm so manly now. I also think about the strength it must take to make the decision to go for transition, and I just don't know if I can do it, I don't know if I have that strength. That power to just be 'okay' with people dismissing you or ridiculing you. I've lived my whole life self-conscious (which I realize now was because I never felt I fitted in) and to escalate that by going on hormones and telling people that I'm 'trans*' is so frightening a concept. I don't want to be stuck in the middle of two genders, I just want to be a woman.
I know you can't tell me what to do, but I'd like to know if my story sounds remotely similar to other experiences on here. You all seem so sure, and I just feel even more lost now that I know what is 'wrong' with me. Those years of depression and self-hatred. Since realizing all this, I haven't even been able to masturbate (which I know, big deal) because I can't stand myself being male. It's building up but I don't know what to do about it. Will it just take time to readjust to the knowledge that I'm stuck, or is this is, is it transition or bust? I don't know if I can live with this.
Damned if you do and damned if you don't.
I'm sorry to ramble on, I just really needed to vent. Obviously I've told no one, though I have been (I feel a little ashamed to say, but less so than I ever would have in the past) been playing with my voice and walking in a more feminine way when people aren't around, and it feels so good. I also put on some lipstick before jumping in the shower, but ugh, I'm in a man's body and it doesn't feel right ether.
Confused and terrified,
Nat
Hi Nattie :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
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Hugs
V M
A big warm welcome to the family Nattie! We are so familiar in our stories you could have put my name on your topic. Isn't it nice to meet others and find out you are by no means alone in these thoughts and needs? We have all been at where you are now. The very first step I took after admitting to myself I was Trans was to find a good Therapist with gender experience. The second was becoming a member of this family. With the caring and support here I have been able to navigate transition without doubt, fear, shame or any of the other hundred emotions. You have taken a huge step in your personal development and we will be right beside you the whole time now. So relax and dig right in. Here is a BIG HUG :icon_hug: to welcome you and make you feel right at home, because you are now! :)
Thank you ^^ I appreciate the kind words. I am looking for a good therapist at the moment, and will try to become familiar with the forum (it is quite large, haha) as I think it'll be immensely helpful to have so many wonderful people so close if I am confused during this personal struggle :) I admit I'm still unsure about how to go about moving forward, but I think it'll become more clear when I speak to the therapist and dive into some more of the forum topics here, thannnnk you :) :) :)
Hello Nattie welcome. I believe the vast majority of us have been where you are at one stage or another. So don't be afraid to ask questions laugh, cry, scream, throw something (just make sure it's not too expensive I forgot that part). Just remember you'll never walk alone.
Nat
Thanks Nat ^^ It means a lot. I think I feel like doing all of those things simultaneously, haha. It's like 26 years of repressed emotions have finally come to the surface, it's scary. I can only imagine how much more intense it'd become on HRT.
Hi Nattie,
I am VERY familiar with confusion, so much so it would seem to be my middle name. Seeking therapy is a good first step to try and sort this out. The sort of changes that come with transition are terrifying. Just go one step at a time, see what happens, then decide the next step. I am finally starting to do that. I wasted well over thirty years sort of knowing the problem and denying that it was real, no matter how hard it tried to get my attention. All I can offer is to suggest you don't follow my example; rather start therapy as soon as you can and look at it with an open mind.
HTH
Erin
Hi nattie,
Thanks for sharing. In the last few months I have also come to the realisation that i am trans. It is a hugely confusing thing but part of me feels better that I know who I am and another is full of fear for what happens next. You just have to trust your feelings and accept that you are going to try things that are new and that you will have to find your own way. I myself was dressing as a girl before I admitted that I was trans. I tried to tell myself that it was nothing more than a bit of fun and nothing else. However as would have been obvious to most outsiders that did not work. Stay in touch as we are all with you and happy to talk about anything you want.
Jennifer
Hey Jennifer & Erin ^^ Thank you both for the kind words. I'm working through it at the moment, and although I have no idea if I'll have the conviction to transition, I am looking locally for a good therapist within my budget. That being said, I am becoming more and more comfortable with the fact that I am a woman, it makes my entire life click, and today while out in the city I simply let the male mask drop and started walking and sitting how it was comfortable for me, and I can imagine it would have looked quite strange but I'm so done pretending that I'm a male, I used to sit with my legs wide and my back arch, with my hands draped over anything in a 1 meter radius just because it was masculine, it was soooo stupid though.
I also went online and bought some female clothing to mess around with (in my entire life, I've never worn female clothes, since I was so deathly afraid of 'not being masculine', I had to live up to my bio role ::)) although I didn't buy panties because it felt too strange but I'm sure I will, hehe. Right now I'm going androgenous and whether that leads to HRT or not, time will tell, but Skinny Jeans and the more subtle female clothing for now while my hair grows out. I did shave my entire body though, haha, nobody has mentioned the lack of arm hair (I was very much covered in a thick fur) which is actually really nice. I'm thinking if people say something, it probably won't be to my face, but behind my back, and for some reason that's reassuring, because who cares if it doesn't get back to me :P It could also be because males tend to be more androgynous these days so I'm wondering how far I can push it.
I'll see you girls around the forum :)