I've been wanting to reach out for a while, but every time I do, I end up being overwhelmed by shame and guilt I just delete everything I wrote. I just don't think my problems are worth anyone's time because I am so much less of a person. But yet I keep coming back and writing all this down. So I think I need to vent, I hope that is okay.
I only have 2 people that currently speak to me anymore. Since I came out to my friends and family, people have been dropping out of my life like flies. I've been trying to start from scratch, but I am much too damaged for most people to get over. I'm just so scarred from the kind of interactions I've had with people in the past. That I'm so paralyzed by the fear that history will just repeat itself, I try never speak, because I feel I am unworthy of being heard. But then I try speak anyways and when I do I'm shaking in fear, so overwhelmed with guilt, and fear of rejection. Like a voice inside telling me over and over "they don't want to hear what you have to say, your just weak compared to them, everyone hates you anyways". But it's more like the memory's from times people have actually said those things to me rather then a separate voice inside my head.
I'm just not sure how to get over it. I might feel better for a short period of time, but then I'll have a very very vivid flashback. The emotions and memories will flood my head with such clear and painful moments in time, it will throw me back into a frenzy. I get stuck in a circle where I feel unworthy because so many people have cut ties with me, but I so desperately want to be accepted by anyone, I come on too strong and scare off whoever decides to be nice to me.
Starting my transition has finally given me hope. A future now seems possible for me, and that's a good feeling. But the very old core ideas that haunt my past still hurt me. Finding it so so hard to even make the most basic connections. Even talking on here where people having been nothing but wonderful and nice to me, I feel like I've been rejected.
I'm sorry for ranting on.
There's nothing to be sorry about Zoe. We won't bite. We promise.
Take it in small steps and let us know what's on your mind from time to time. I promise it will get easier with each post that you make. :)
Zoe, Zoe, Zoe. This is what we are here for to support each other through the good AND bad times. Don't ever be ashamed of telling us things and problems that are in your life. All of us have been where or at the same spot you are now, but you now have a shoulder to cry on whenever you need it. I don't think anyone here could deal with transition or anything else life throws at us without each other. Like Christine said "we don't bite" we do though hug so here is yours now :icon_hug:! If you ever want someone to talk to in private and not on the public forum you feel free to PM me with whatever is bothering you. Heck, do it if you just want to talk and make a new friend, OK sister? The important thing is you do have support now, so use it. :)
Zoe,
I just want to add that I'm here for you as well if you want to talk to someone. I for one want to hear what you have to say, Zoe, at our support group, here on the forums or in private.
You deserve to be heard and supported.
:icon_hug:
Quote from: zoezatara on March 31, 2014, 03:38:58 AM
I've been wanting to reach out for a while, but every time I do, I end up being overwhelmed by shame and guilt I just delete everything I wrote. I just don't think my problems are worth anyone's time because I am so much less of a person. But yet I keep coming back and writing all this down. So I think I need to vent, I hope that is okay.
Zoe,
Please vent... You can't hold this all inside, none of us can. That is what we're here for. My gosh if it wasn't for my therapist and this site I would go bat->-bleeped-<- crazy. Second, you should not be ashamed of who you are. If people don't like it, screw um... There are to many people out there that will accept you. You just need to seek them out.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on March 31, 2014, 03:52:07 AM
Zoe, Zoe, Zoe. This is what we are here for to support each other through the good AND bad times. Don't ever be ashamed of telling us things and problems that are in your life. All of us have been where or at the same spot you are now, but you now have a shoulder to cry on whenever you need it. I don't think anyone here could deal with transition or anything else life throws at us without each other. Like Christine said "we don't bite" we do though hug so here is yours now :icon_hug:! If you ever want someone to talk to in private and not on the public forum you feel free to PM me with whatever is bothering you. Heck, do it if you just want to talk and make a new friend, OK sister? The important thing is you do have support now, so use it. :)
ditto
Zoe
So much of what you feel is how most of my life was. Shy, introverted, hardly spoke between nobody wanted to hear what this knuckle dragging mouth breather had to say. On top of that talking was difficult since I had a bad stutter, made all the worse under pressure.
My best buds (or should I say my oldest ones?) are Guilt and Shame. Over the long process of self discover I've been on, shame over being TG has dissipated quite a bit. Guilt still rears its ugly head. Especially since I have a wife that is also on this roller-coaster ride. I can keep myself awake most of the night pondering what to do
One of my best support systems is my TG support group. They are more like a real family to me that my real family. It's a 90 mile drive but they helped so much in helping me accept myself and turn my life around for the better.
Just checking in again Zoe. Thank you for staying with us here. The more company the better and your post has helped break me out of my depression a little.