I just need to vent....
I'm so tired of wanting to be a boy one day and then deciding I should just stay a girl the next. It's wearing on my emotional health soooo much. It's making me not want to meet people cuz I'm gonna have to present as a girl when I hate being trans. And one day I think i could never pass as a boy and the next i could swear my face is insanely masculine and people are crazy for always thinking I am a girl.
For an example, like I remember being in a room of girls one time watching this show and everyone was sooo into it and having so much fun and screaming at all the romantic scenes and I was just quiet cuz I thought if i tried to scream like that I would sound ridiculous. Not that I would ever try and find out. I would otherwise have had just as much fun as everyone else but i went away from it feeling like ->-bleeped-<-. I just can't enjoy stuff feeling so fake. Little things like that always come up and I realize I'm holding back so so much because I don't want to be who I am. Imdon't want to be proud of myself because I would trade anything to not be this. I can't be happy being less than cis. People only accept me over all the superficial things, cuz I'm superficially pretty and take care of myself in a superficial way. but essentially i feel like a gender freak, doesn't matter if nobody knows or can tell. I just want to be done with this and feel natural...
I hate my ugly face too. I used to think I was mildly pretty living as a boy but now I just feel disgusting every time I see myself. I mean my face was all I had, my body is ruined w stretch marks and loose skin and weird fat storage and keratosis. I have to hide all that stuff, but you can't hide your face. Now all I see in the mirror are my "modellesque" features... mannish. Barf. I only look okay with my hair up because any shadows on my face make me look freaky and intense. And I have a beaky nose. I woild make a pretty boy but not a pretty girl.... tbh when I see my face I just want to cut it. I really have come close but I know that's a pretty bad place to have scars.
I am going back to school in fall and I'm just dreading it. I hate socializing as a girl so much. These feelings were bad enough as a boy with lots of problems but being trans put me over the tipping point. I get so lost in hating who I am that I can't even talk to people, well I mean i talk to people but never really am comfortable enough to say anything. I don't like being treated as part of the club because ultimately i feel like i don't belong anywhere and eventually anyone will just reject me and hate me, cuz I am not the same and every time I think I am I am wrong. and it's painful to have to push people away and avoid being myself to prevent that. :/
I'm just feeling this a lot today. I don't wanna get old worrying about this and realize I never got to experience my life. I made that mistake with my teen years and I missed out on sooooo much. It hurts so bad to know that. I do 't want to do it again but i feel so paralyzed because I can't tell what's right for me anymore and I don't actually know what I can handle or what I'm willing to. I want to figure it out and move on and live my life but I always feel alien and unprepared for anything. I don't trust myself to be able to do anything right at all... yeah, how could I live as a boy anyway... I can't do anything for myself and the only reason I get away with that is my pretty face. Pretty to somebody... but nobody wants to deal with a timid submissive helpless childish boy.
I seriously just want to be somebody else. I'm so tired of me.... I wouldn't say any of these things about anybody else but I just don't love me and being trans makes it so much harder. :(
:(
I know its hard but if you keep thinking you will eventually find and accept yourself...
It kinda seems that you are feeling internal transphobia?
I cant really tell but it will be hard to go back to male now...
why not try something more androgynous,,i dont really know though...
Quote from: FalsePrincess on April 01, 2014, 12:43:02 AM
It kinda seems that you are feeling internal transphobia?
Yah definitely but it doesn't feel like something I'll ever get over which makes it pretty painful.. :c
If you haven't done it yet find a good Therapist with gender experience and maybe together you can find some peace in your life at last. I know mine has helped tremendously and has brought up things I had never considered before. They not only listen, but help with legal and other matters like letters for HRT and SRS as well as carry letters. I never hurts to get an outside non biased opinion on matters as complicated as ours. Good luck! :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 01, 2014, 12:56:18 AM
If you haven't done it yet find a good Therapist with gender experience and maybe together you can find some peace in your life at last. I know mine has helped tremendously and has brought up things I had never considered before. They not only listen, but help with legal and other matters like letters for HRT and SRS as well as carry letters. I never hurts to get an outside non biased opinion on matters as complicated as ours. Good luck! :)
Thanks though there's no gender therapists in my area and I'm not sure if they'd know what to do with me anyway. i have a trauma therapist who is helping me figure my life out but I hate talking about trans stuff with her, I mean I mentioned that it's hard for me but not exactly how hard. it just makes me feel bad and it's not her specialty even though she's supportive. But yeah closest gender therapist is like 3 hrs away
I don't really know if I want SRS, I mean i don't care about my genitals but it's so expensive and surgeries are scary.. :/ but i will need top surgery if I live as a boy again..
I was just about to make a post very similar to your third paragraph. I'm having a day like that.
It's like one of those days where like...I just hate myself so bad today. I don't know if I necessarily look bad, I just can't stand myself anymore. Like I think I'm the most annoying person, really. I hate the way I talk..the way I sound and the thinfs I say. And like you I think I have kinda modelesque features somedays and sonedays I look in the mirror and feel like I look like an alien...like I know people think I'm pretty but it's frustrating cuz I dunno. Then when I feel insecure I binge then starve, and when I starve I look anorexic and awful.
It was def not like this as a boy. I honestly don't miss much from being a boy and I don't have any desire tobe one, but I miss the security in it. And the way it didn't matter. I think what is wana hear? I think being female and not just female but trans* means your looks are important, and for us it's kinda all we have. Like I have very little to make people like me, now. So it kinda triggers self obsession...like for me i obsess over myself and get sick of myself and start to hate myself, not cuz there's anything wrong with me per se, just cuz I feel trapped in my own skin.
I dunno. Sorry you're having a bad day too. My birthday is in 11 days and that's depressing me on top of it all. And i been tryna keep a good mood but honestly i just wana grab a bottle of wine, some razors and just forget about life for a while. I cried so hard last night cuz i been trying so hard tobe happy and im not and it never ends.Sorry for ranting on your rant. Life sucks really
Quote from: jussmoi4nao on April 01, 2014, 07:40:07 AM
I was just about to make a post very similar to your third paragraph. I'm having a day like that.
It's like one of those days where like...I just hate myself so bad today. I don't know if I necessarily look bad, I just can't stand myself anymore. Like I think I'm the most annoying person, really. I hate the way I talk..the way I sound and the thinfs I say. And like you I think I have kinda modelesque features somedays and sonedays I look in the mirror and feel like I look like an alien...like I know people think I'm pretty but it's frustrating cuz I dunno. Then when I feel insecure I binge then starve, and when I starve I look anorexic and awful.
It was def not like this as a boy. I honestly don't miss much from being a boy and I don't have any desire tobe one, but I miss the security in it. And the way it didn't matter. I think what is wana hear? I think being female and not just female but trans* means your looks are important, and for us it's kinda all we have. Like I have very little to make people like me, now. So it kinda triggers self obsession...like for me i obsess over myself and get sick of myself and start to hate myself, not cuz there's anything wrong with me per se, just cuz I feel trapped in my own skin.
I dunno. Sorry you're having a bad day too. My birthday is in 11 days and that's depressing me on top of it all. And i been tryna keep a good mood but honestly i just wana grab a bottle of wine, some razors and just forget about life for a while. I cried so hard last night cuz i been trying so hard tobe happy and im not and it never ends.Sorry for ranting on your rant. Life sucks really
Nah it's okay, preach!
Yeah it's def the same for me, the security of being a boy, being cis, not always feeling out on a shaky limb in life. Everything in this world is made for cis people and I just don't really feel strong enough to mess with that. But personally not many of the reasons i wanna be a girl are actually exclusive to girls, boys are just looked down on for them. The one way we're different even though we are so similar is that i didn't always feel like a girl. I mean, I felt like nothing. Up until I was 16 or 17 I just told people i don't see myself as a boy or a girl mentally or physically. Though yeah sadly you can't have exactly the same type of relationship as a gay boy probs ever that you can as a girl though being trans makes that harder...
I mean admittedly if i was worried about becoming huge or growing spectacular stubble I'd feel more urge to transition, I do wanna be beautiful, boy or girl. But transition just isn't that much of a physical change... I don't really feel like I couldn't be pretty and very girly looking as a cis boy. And when i lose all the weight that i want to, my girl and boy bodies would be almost exactly the same anyway so. All this really is is a social change and I am just sitting here asking myself... for what? So i can wear the clothes i want? Wear makeup? Be dainty and act girly around people? Have girly hobbies? ...I'm gonna feel retarded when cis boys don't get judged at all for that stuff in like 10 yrs anyway.
But yeah, when i frame me as a girl i just hate every part of me even more than before. I don't feel pretty, I don't feel satisfied with what I am at all. Cuz yeah all I have is my appearance and yet even a sorta dumpy cis girl is more appealing to guys than me...
Don't you hate how like being trans means accepting this inferiority status to cis people? You become so much worse off in every way and just simple things in life become a lot harder. Why did i accept all that when in most ways I am sadder than I have ever been now anyway... :/ even though i have no reason to be compared to before, other than that i'm trans.
So maybe it's just cuz I'm a crazy person that I feel his way, but being trans seems really pretty sucky to me when I think about it but once you start it's hard to undo all this. Something changed the minute I transitioned and now i'm not sure where to start getting back a sense of normalcy... :c I just never feel the least bit normal anymore or good about myself. I think i'm stuck being the ugly duckling forever no matter how I look on the outside. Sigh. I am just venting though, I totally don't expect yall to pity me or give me answers or something. Maybe i was destined to feel this way in life anyway, hahh... I'm just glad i'm not the only one. even though it sucks someone else has to feel like this. I'm just in the same place, i already used all my harmful outlets for the last day or so :(
Quote from: sad panda on April 01, 2014, 12:10:15 PM
Nah it's okay, preach!
Yeah it's def the same for me, the security of being a boy, being cis, not always feeling out on a shaky limb in life. Everything in this world is made for cis people and I just don't really feel strong enough to mess with that. But personally not many of the reasons i wanna be a girl are actually exclusive to girls, boys are just looked down on for them. The one way we're different even though we are so similar is that i didn't always feel like a girl. I mean, I felt like nothing. Up until I was 16 or 17 I just told people i don't see myself as a boy or a girl mentally or physically. Though yeah sadly you can't have exactly the same type of relationship as a gay boy probs ever that you can as a girl though being trans makes that harder...
I mean admittedly if i was worried about becoming huge or growing spectacular stubble I'd feel more urge to transition, I do wanna be beautiful, boy or girl. But transition just isn't that much of a physical change... I don't really feel like I couldn't be pretty and very girly looking as a cis boy. And when i lose all the weight that i want to, my girl and boy bodies would be almost exactly the same anyway so. All this really is is a social change and I am just sitting here asking myself... for what? So i can wear the clothes i want? Wear makeup? Be dainty and act girly around people? Have girly hobbies? ...I'm gonna feel retarded when cis boys don't get judged at all for that stuff in like 10 yrs anyway.
But yeah, when i frame me as a girl i just hate every part of me even more than before. I don't feel pretty, I don't feel satisfied with what I am at all. Cuz yeah all I have is my appearance and yet even a sorta dumpy cis girl is more appealing to guys than me...
Don't you hate how like being trans means accepting this inferiority status to cis people? You become so much worse off in every way and just simple things in life become a lot harder. Why did i accept all that when in most ways I am sadder than I have ever been now anyway... :/ even though i have no reason to be compared to before, other than that i'm trans.
So maybe it's just cuz I'm a crazy person that I feel his way, but being trans seems really pretty sucky to me when I think about it but once you start it's hard to undo all this. Something changed the minute I transitioned and now i'm not sure where to start getting back a sense of normalcy... :c I just never feel the least bit normal anymore or good about myself. I think i'm stuck being the ugly duckling forever no matter how I look on the outside. Sigh. I am just venting though, I totally don't expect yall to pity me or give me answers or something. Maybe i was destined to feel this way in life anyway, hahh... I'm just glad i'm not the only one. even though it sucks someone else has to feel like this. I'm just in the same place, i already used all my harmful outlets for the last day or so :(
Ugh, I identify so much with the last paragraph, especially where you say something changed the minute of transition...it's so weird how that happened.
Though, I agree in the one place we're different. Because I did always know and it was always more about BEING female than anything, and the makeup, clothes, etc all came after...tho, ironically looking female is probably more important to me, now, than actually being one.
I guess I'd say, as messed up as this sounds, what happened for me was..after letting yeaars of dysphoria consume me I just got tired of it and I was like...f this, if I'm gona be a boy I'm gona be a good one. And I got very good looking and popular. And honestly for a very brief amount of time? I was content in a miserable, angsty way.
And like what's really messed up is I think withouteven realizing it, I let myself need that security I had in being superficially good looking and not having to worry about any of it...just putting my fingers through my hair and being able to be a *person*. Being trans* is the death of that, cuz it's aaalways about the show. It's always about putting on an act and making everyone believe something about you tat isn't 100% truth and you HAVE to be perfect and beautiful or you're not even real anymore...you're an 'it' not worth anyones time. And if you aaare beautiful, then that's *all* you're worth.
I guess I do have regrets now. Over transitioning when so many bad things were happening in my life. Over not letting things get better before I transitioned. Over not letting myself live the cis experience first. And you know what? You can never go home again. Once you start it that's it. The dysphoria becomes unbearable and its too easy to slip into cuz it's not a a secret anymore. And it's not the same, either...you look different, you think different, you talk different, you walk different, and trying to be like your old self comes off as a parody and noobodys buying it.
It's like you're old self is lost to you ya know? So hoestly theres no point in going back. You'll still be put on. Cuz you lost the purity in it, you don't go back and become cis. That known secret is now just general knowledge and you're just left every bit as twisted as you were in transition...in fact, more so, much more. So that's why I try to make the best of it even if it's hard...as much as I secretly hate it this is my life now. I didn't expect it to make me happy, going back in, tho...in fact these last 5 months I've been almost completely miserable. But I did it to myself
Do you know what's soo funny too?I remember riiight before transition, when I was going back and forth,I had this gut feeling and I remember it soo clearly. I remember lying on my gramma's couch and thinking "don't dothis, if you do this, and come out as trans you'll ruin everything" but then I did,anyway lol. So now here I am...getting I wanted since I was 5, huh? Now I have to actually live withit forever.
Now I'm sure a lot of people on here are gona reply "ohh if I had you're face, I wouldn't be complaining" further proving how everything we are has come down to being beautiful...which nobody is all the time, so our crappy days are absolute hell. Whatever. Fmfl
Here's a drive-by comment from the often rather blunt Aussie..
I'm feeling a lack of self-acceptance in this thread, with a side serving of low confidence.
Feel free to tell me I'm wrong, I'd kind of like to be.
Not having lived so long in the 'male role' creates doubt. It is the pain and torment lived many years in the so called wrong role that gives increased certainty of the path to take. Should I take take this path or that? How can I know with absolute certainty until I've taken both? It's a tough decision to make and sometimes it requires a leap of faith. The older transitioners, even though they have more obstacles in their way, seem to have less doubt about who they are, have you noticed? They take the new role with aplomb. I don't know. It seems they reach a breaking point in their lives, throwing the white flag, screaming "I'm a woman, get me out of here!" and never give another wistful look back. It certainly is an unenviable dilemma. It's something I myself had to deal with for many years, and why I remained pre-op for many years, although I had transitioned years back.
Quote from: jussmoi4nao on April 02, 2014, 07:04:36 AM
Ugh, I identify so much with the last paragraph, especially where you say something changed the minute of transition...it's so weird how that happened.
Though, I agree in the one place we're different. Because I did always know and it was always more about BEING female than anything, and the makeup, clothes, etc all came after...tho, ironically looking female is probably more important to me, now, than actually being one.
I guess I'd say, as messed up as this sounds, what happened for me was..after letting yeaars of dysphoria consume me I just got tired of it and I was like...f this, if I'm gona be a boy I'm gona be a good one. And I got very good looking and popular. And honestly for a very brief amount of time? I was content in a miserable, angsty way.
And like what's really messed up is I think withouteven realizing it, I let myself need that security I had in being superficially good looking and not having to worry about any of it...just putting my fingers through my hair and being able to be a *person*. Being trans* is the death of that, cuz it's aaalways about the show. It's always about putting on an act and making everyone believe something about you tat isn't 100% truth and you HAVE to be perfect and beautiful or you're not even real anymore...you're an 'it' not worth anyones time. And if you aaare beautiful, then that's *all* you're worth.
I guess I do have regrets now. Over transitioning when so many bad things were happening in my life. Over not letting things get better before I transitioned. Over not letting myself live the cis experience first. And you know what? You can never go home again. Once you start it that's it. The dysphoria becomes unbearable and its too easy to slip into cuz it's not a a secret anymore. And it's not the same, either...you look different, you think different, you talk different, you walk different, and trying to be like your old self comes off as a parody and noobodys buying it.
It's like you're old self is lost to you ya know? So hoestly theres no point in going back. You'll still be put on. Cuz you lost the purity in it, you don't go back and become cis. That known secret is now just general knowledge and you're just left every bit as twisted as you were in transition...in fact, more so, much more. So that's why I try to make the best of it even if it's hard...as much as I secretly hate it this is my life now. I didn't expect it to make me happy, going back in, tho...in fact these last 5 months I've been almost completely miserable. But I did it to myself
Do you know what's soo funny too?I remember riiight before transition, when I was going back and forth,I had this gut feeling and I remember it soo clearly. I remember lying on my gramma's couch and thinking "don't dothis, if you do this, and come out as trans you'll ruin everything" but then I did,anyway lol. So now here I am...getting I wanted since I was 5, huh? Now I have to actually live withit forever.
Now I'm sure a lot of people on here are gona reply "ohh if I had you're face, I wouldn't be complaining" further proving how everything we are has come down to being beautiful...which nobody is all the time, so our crappy days are absolute hell. Whatever. Fmfl
Yeaaah.. that has got to be our one major difference. I hadn't really even experienced much trans-related dysphoria *until* I transitioned. Most of my dysphoria was about anxiety or other mental health stuffs... and even when I got flashes of gender dysphoria it didn't feel like it was about me, just like other people were being awful. I mean I was always pretty girly but I never felt like I needed people to see me or recognize me as a girl to be happy. I still don't really. Honestly I don't totally get what that would even feel like. I mean I was tiny and femme, people weren't surprised if i was basically a girl anyway. It only really felt bad when people told me I couldn't do things or applied stereotypes to me that were just wrong for me just bc I was a boy. But now, i always feel horrible because like you said, it's always all about the show. You always have a presentation. You're always trying to not let people realize you are trans even if it's not in anyone's radar, or if they know then a bunch of other things about you as a girl. I hate it so much. I feel like I didn't sign up for this, but I couldn't avoid it.
I don't know, somehow it got to the point that now I basically always live in a constant state of dysphoria about life in general. I don't really look forward to the future or anything. I'm stuck in the past and it's not even the right past :/ I just desperately want to get back that purity cuz I don't know what anything means to me anymore. I don't get gender and to the extent that I do get it I just hate it for dividing people so much. Especially when I don't feel at home on either side of it. I probably should feel at home as a girl, there are so many girls who are a lot like me, and so many girls who think I am just like them, but i just don't.
And yeah, all we really are is beautiful. All we can ever be to people is part something that other people (cis girls) actually are. Never the whole thing. I don't believe that even the trans community thinks of MTFs as completely women or FTMs as completely men. They will say they do but they still know there is a difference. I mean people keep wanting to call the,selves intersex instead of trans like it's an upgrade. Who can blame them though, Cuz it's one step closer to cis. Sure they accept trans women but they'd rather be less trans and more cis any day. They know it is not the same. The only thing that forces people to accept a trans girl in a deeper way is for her to be beautiful. And beyond that, to look more cis. People use looking cis as a special compliment because they know that it sounds better. We're a community of people that hates what we are but pretends not to by throwing away the scale. Well I can't pretend... I hate being trans. I hate putting femininity on this stupid pedestal just because I was born physically a little more masculine. i hate how threatened I have become by the idea that I could be some part masculine (whether I actually am or not) bc I feel like people won't love me or care about me if I don't put the show before who or what I really am. I feel like my entire self worth (and even my worth to other people, to a bigger extent than for cis girls by far) hangs on being pretty and i don't even feel pretty anyway.... urgh.
I just honestly am not getting how any of this makes people happier. Maybe it IS easier for people who transition once you're over the hill and you don't have your entire life up in the air. I mean in a lot of ways it must be nice... You don't have to sit there thinking, am I ever going to find a husband who actually loves me? Who won't get bored and leave me for a cis girl? Do I even matter to cis guys at all? Can I ever be pretty enough to matter almost as much to them as a cis girl just like me? Will I be able to be a mom without hating myself for taking the place of a real one? Am i going to be able to handle living my life like this? Going thru all the stressful things in life as an incredibly underprivileged minority with a half invented past and a weird body? Feeling this overwhelming sense of insecurity constantly? Will i ever learn to love myself for something more than how close I am to being the thing I should have naturally been anyway?
Maybe they envy young transitioners so much cuz all they see is this pretty face and they can't appreciate how much security they had in their life. Maybe it's easier to say shoulda coulda woulda when really actually doing it is so freaking hard and crazy and it changes your life in so many ways that you didn't even think about. Idk
The future feels so empty.. I try not to feel that way but all i care about is the past I'm never gonna have. Ofc I would feel a little like that with how my life went so far even as a cis boy but this makes it that much harder.
I just... ugh. Sorry for being so negative ;w;
Quote from: sad panda on April 03, 2014, 11:28:32 PM
Yeaaah.. that has got to be our one major difference. I hadn't really even experienced much trans-related dysphoria *until* I transitioned. Most of my dysphoria was about anxiety or other mental health stuffs... and even when I got flashes of gender dysphoria it didn't feel like it was about me, just like other people were being awful. I mean I was always pretty girly but I never felt like I needed people to see me or recognize me as a girl to be happy. I still don't really. Honestly I don't totally get what that would even feel like. I mean I was tiny and femme, people weren't surprised if i was basically a girl anyway. It only really felt bad when people told me I couldn't do things or applied stereotypes to me that were just wrong for me just bc I was a boy. But now, i always feel horrible because like you said, it's always all about the show. You always have a presentation. You're always trying to not let people realize you are trans even if it's not in anyone's radar, or if they know then a bunch of other things about you as a girl. I hate it so much. I feel like I didn't sign up for this, but I couldn't avoid it.
I don't know, somehow it got to the point that now I basically always live in a constant state of dysphoria about life in general. I don't really look forward to the future or anything. I'm stuck in the past and it's not even the right past :/ I just desperately want to get back that purity cuz I don't know what anything means to me anymore. I don't get gender and to the extent that I do get it I just hate it for dividing people so much. Especially when I don't feel at home on either side of it. I probably should feel at home as a girl, there are so many girls who are a lot like me, and so many girls who think I am just like them, but i just don't.
And yeah, all we really are is beautiful. All we can ever be to people is part something that other people (cis girls) actually are. Never the whole thing. I don't believe that even the trans community thinks of MTFs as completely women or FTMs as completely men. They will say they do but they still know there is a difference. I mean people keep wanting to call the,selves intersex instead of trans like it's an upgrade. Who can blame them though, Cuz it's one step closer to cis. Sure they accept trans women but they'd rather be less trans and more cis any day. They know it is not the same. The only thing that forces people to accept a trans girl in a deeper way is for her to be beautiful. And beyond that, to look more cis. People use looking cis as a special compliment because they know that it sounds better. We're a community of people that hates what we are but pretends not to by throwing away the scale. Well I can't pretend... I hate being trans. I hate putting femininity on this stupid pedestal just because I was born physically a little more masculine. i hate how threatened I have become by the idea that I could be some part masculine (whether I actually am or not) bc I feel like people won't love me or care about me if I don't put the show before who or what I really am. I feel like my entire self worth (and even my worth to other people, to a bigger extent than for cis girls by far) hangs on being pretty and i don't even feel pretty anyway.... urgh.
I just honestly am not getting how any of this makes people happier. Maybe it IS easier for people who transition once you're over the hill and you don't have your entire life up in the air. I mean in a lot of ways it must be nice... You don't have to sit there thinking, am I ever going to find a husband who actually loves me? Who won't get bored and leave me for a cis girl? Do I even matter to cis guys at all? Can I ever be pretty enough to matter almost as much to them as a cis girl just like me? Will I be able to be a mom without hating myself for taking the place of a real one? Am i going to be able to handle living my life like this? Going thru all the stressful things in life as an incredibly underprivileged minority with a half invented past and a weird body? Feeling this overwhelming sense of insecurity constantly? Will i ever learn to love myself for something more than how close I am to being the thing I should have naturally been anyway?
Maybe they envy young transitioners so much cuz all they see is this pretty face and they can't appreciate how much security they had in their life. Maybe it's easier to say shoulda coulda woulda when really actually doing it is so freaking hard and crazy and it changes your life in so many ways that you didn't even think about. Idk
The future feels so empty.. I try not to feel that way but all i care about is the past I'm never gonna have. Ofc I would feel a little like that with how my life went so far even as a cis boy but this makes it that much harder.
I just... ugh. Sorry for being so negative ;w;
I'm really sorry you feel so down. Sadly, I can relate with much of what you posted. Not the lack of dysphoria, but everything else
sort of describes how I feel. The whole the future looks bleak and yet there doesn't appear to be any true solutions that will really make it better. Feeling so uncertain about the future. Though instead of feeling nostalgic about my past, I'm sort of in this limbo where going back isn't an option since there is nothing good that can really come from it, but all the same, moving forward is equally as problematic as there is so much uncertainties and difficulties in living as trans. It sucks. I wish I had something substantial or helpful to post for you, but at best all I can say is hang in there and that you're not alone in these feelings.
One thing that I will say as an outside observer is that it
appears a lot of your dysphoria comes from how other people may or may not perceive you. Sure, I notice that you have a lot of problems with how you view yourself, but I think that may stem from societal standards/expectations more than it does from within without any external influence. I know this will be incredibly rich coming from me, but if you want to find the right path for yourself or a happy solution to these feelings, maybe try to ask yourself what you alone want. Forget about other people and their evaluations. At the very least, that can give you a little more piece of mind about what's best for you in an ideal sense. However, I do understand that societal interactions and judgement means a lot at the end of the day. We all want to pretend that it doesn't and that life can be a dream if we just believe in ourselves, but the fact is how other people judge you can have a major impact on our life and outlook. The world doesn't always nurture our ideal life even though it would be much easier if it did.
Sorry I can't be much help; although, I really do hope you find some relief from these feelings in the near future.
Thanks, though I want to say that I don't think it's necessarily about what other people think... it's about what I think and also what I think other people think. Actually people have been picture perfect to me thru my transition. I've never got a single negative word or any mistreatment or discrimination at all... I've never been anything less than totally accepted so far, but I'm not happy.
Cuz being trans doesn't make me happy. If it's not there I can't make it be. I feel bad about it and unfortunately nobody can reassure me out of that. When I first thought about transitioning, I sort of assumed that trans women would mostly be like me, but eventually I realized that that is not the case. Bc for trans people, it's usually about gender identity, not necessarily about gender in the sense that most people think of gender. More about being attached to a gender than necessarily being like it. Idk, I just don't get the concept of gender identity.
Ultimately the societal expectation that makes me unhappy is that I am not supposed to be who/what I am as a cis boy. So yah I shouldn't have transitioned, cuz it's not worth it to me, I don't feel anything special about being seen or accepted as a woman in and of itself. I think men are beautiful and awesome too and there's nothing wrong with being a man or a woman and if not for gender roles I wouldn't even have a preference. I can't help my personality tho and my body which ended up feminine. Still... I just want to feel able to be fine with that. To be me... :(
I guess that is what bothers me about being trans and about trans people. A lot of times it seems to me like people want to actually uphold these crappy gender roles, not get rid of them, they just want to also be immune from them. They want to be the special exception in a binary world. Cuz they're attached to that binary. They have some attachment to their gender identity which wouldn't mean anything without clear obvious gender lines. Like if my gender identity was pineapple, wtf would that even mean? Pineapples don't have genders, it's totally meaningless to say that. For a girl gender identity, girls have to be girly and men have to be mannish. Even if that individual person doesn't want to be girly as a girl-identified person. So girls can be/are anything, boys can be/are anything, but I identify as a girl and definitely not a boy? Yah right. They have to be something specific for it to matter. Trans women DO believe girls stereotypically are or should be something, they just get mad when you have those expectations of them personally.
Yep... I feel like gender identity is kind of a thing that trans people insist on that is not even real because it gives them validity that is totally immaterial otherwise. Cuz if you're not biologically or physically a girl, you don't have much in common with girls, you don't know many girls, what makes you a girl? Saying you are one.
I just don't like it. Girls CAN be anything and boys CAN be anything which means you shouldn't have to pretend to be a girl to be all the things a girl can be. I am a feminine androphilic male who likes adorable pastel ->-bleeped-<- and a whole world of color, fuzzy animals and stuffed animals, sewing and cooking and baking and little desserts, home decorating, campy romance novels and yaoi and whatever, fashion, having gawjus long hair and pretty skin and wearing makeup or whatever I want, dressing up in crazy costumes. I'm always daydreaming about my wedding and how pretty I'll look in my dress and whether I'm gonna be a parent someday even though I can't have kids of my own. I'm stupidly emotional and totally dependent on other people and I cry way too much. I don't even know. Just a billion things people would be like whuuuut about (or just laugh at) if a boy said them and I don't freaking get it. I have more in common with female people most of the time, but I don't have to be female for that to matter. I should not have to and it shouldn't make a difference just cuz people see me and think (assume) I'm female. That is their fault. I shouldn't have to be lesser than females for that. I am a male who is also ____ ____ ___... not I am ____ ____ ___ because I'm male.
So yah I can't see myself as a trans person and it's always gonna feel weird and awkward and wrong. My conscience is like, against the idea of it. Cuz trans women want to be a female, not all the things they want to be as a female without having to pretend and fake that they are one. They don't want to be themselves, they wanna be this idea they have of what women are. Or maybe they just want their idea of a sexy bod, which is OK, but then they have to package it all together with gender and sex anyway. That's how it feels. I'm really sorry if this all is horrible for me to say. I feel like a horrible person, I'm just lost and upset and I feel so alone about this.... I feel so frustrated with gender and how people treat people over it :|
I know it sounds like it's already obvious what I should do (detransition) and there's no point in ranting about this, but that's the thing. I want to but I'm stuck cuz we still live in this stereotype-y world. I can't live my life as a male who is who I am cuz 1) people will constantly assume or assert that I am a female when they see me and even if they believe I'm male or happen to know that, I would face a ridiculous amount of hate and discrimination just over who I am that I don't experience now, just cuz it comes with the technicality of male. And they'd call me a ->-bleeped-<- anyway. And having lived so long as a fake female now I would actually risk losing a lot of my support system by being openly male instead. And my relationships with people. All over a definition.
ughhhhh ;_________________;
I'm so sad right now....
sorry....
I just wanna feel right for once.....
Quote from: sad panda on April 05, 2014, 03:24:05 AM
So yah I can't see myself as a trans person and it's always gonna feel weird and awkward and wrong. My conscience is like, against the idea of it. Cuz trans women want to be a female, not all the things they want to be as a female without having to pretend and fake that they are one. They don't want to be themselves, they wanna be this idea they have of what women are. Or maybe they just want their idea of a sexy bod, which is OK, but then they have to package it all together with gender and sex anyway. That's how it feels. I'm really sorry if this all is horrible for me to say. I feel like a horrible person, I'm just lost and upset and I feel so alone about this.... I feel so frustrated with gender and how people treat people over it :|
I don't want to be a woman.. I am one, despite my physiology. Now, here's the catch - I have no idea what a woman actually is, so I just be myself. Honestly, the difference between pre-transition me and post-transition me is vanishingly small. A change of name, a slight change in presentation.. Apart from that, I'm the me I've always been -albeit a happier me.
You of all people should know not to make generalisations, especially when it comes to trans people - and you've just made a large one that borders on offensive to some.
Quote from: kelly_aus on April 05, 2014, 05:16:04 AM
I don't want to be a woman.. I am one, despite my physiology. Now, here's the catch - I have no idea what a woman actually is, so I just be myself. Honestly, the difference between pre-transition me and post-transition me is vanishingly small. A change of name, a slight change in presentation.. Apart from that, I'm the me I've always been -albeit a happier me.
That sums me up as well. I agree with your earlier comment (above)
Quote from: sad panda on April 05, 2014, 03:24:05 AM
I'm just lost and upset and I feel so alone about this.... I feel so frustrated with gender and how people treat people over it :|
Whilst society needs to change, the real problem is self-acceptance. Once you decide to be yourself then you will also find a way to fit in to society. You might do well to change your signature line to include Eleanor Roosevelt's famous comment that
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.". It is 100% accurate and true. People will only pick on you if you look weak. If you look strong and have confidence in yourself then people treat you much better. Weakness brings out the bully in others.
Quote from: sad panda on April 05, 2014, 03:24:05 AMI know it sounds like it's already obvious what I should do (detransition) and there's no point in ranting about this, but that's the thing. I want to but I'm stuck cuz we still live in this stereotype-y world.
You are stuck because you will not decide. People often worry about making the "right" decision and maybe you do as well, but if the current situation is "wrong" then choose a different one - it may be wrong as well but it might be OK or it might be right but where you are now is wrong so change is needed. Any decision is better than none. Do what you think YOU will be comfortable with, whatever expresses YOU best and stuff what other people think. Remember Eleanor Roosevelt.
Well, as I read many of your posts, it appears that what you want is to detransition and live as male. The only thing that seems to be stopping you is the fact that you worry about how your interactions with others wlll be. I'm sorry if that's very off base, it just appears that way to me. And there is nothing wrong with that. Societal judgement is why I lead a miserable existence rather than trying to find happiness, so no judgement here. Gender roles shouldn't define someone. There are plenty of fem guys and masculine girls. Really, most of us are transitioning to feel somewhat comfortable with ourselves and finding inner peace. That doesn't require rigid gender roles to be enforced. Hell, most transwomen and transmen I've met are more than happy to blur the gender lines in many ways. And you know what, that's fine. It's really not so much about pretending to be something, but rather no longer living in chains and feeling free to be the individual that they are. At least, that's how I feel. It seems this very struggle is something you face yourself, just in a different way. It also seems clear that you know what you want, but you're afraid of what everyone will say or think. While I would never say that isn't an important force, just look at my life and all my fears, you need to ask which one is more important for you at the end of the day. Again, I don't want that to sound like a judgement because I struggle with this very thing myself and allow other people to control me. Hell, I went home and cut myself after being called a ->-bleeped-<- a few days ago and went into a tizzy thinking about offing myself because I'm always going to be a freak to other people. Since I'm perpetually in a limbo trapped by the feelings and perceptions of other people, I really feel from where you are coming from even though it is different all the same. Still, if you really don't want gender norms or other people's perceptions to trap you, then you may need to break these chains; however, only you can determine what's most important and what's needed for you. It's easier said than done, I know as I continuously fail myself in this regard, but I'd like Sad Panda to be the happy young male he deserves to be, whether that be from detransitioning or not. Good luck, and I hope it all goes well for you no matter how you proceed.
@kelly_aus
Yeah but what makes you a woman? You just decided that. And if that makes you a woman then that's ok, but I think it's a weird system. Who you are is who you are... man or woman... all I see is a person's sex and who they are and you can't actually change your sex. I don't think man or woman is important. Well I don't think it should be... I'm really sorry if I offended you. It's just how I feel, I would never tell anyone not to do what works best for them and be who they want to be.
@ltl and provizora2
Yeah it IS about what people think in that sense, but you can't just do whatever you want in life, I mean you can say it's about confidence but the end of the day it would cause a lot of problems to go completely against these stupid gender roles ;_;
I am learning a lot about validating myself though, maybe someday I will feel strong enough to deal with that. I want people to change though. Gender just annoys me a lot.
But LTL I don't see why you can't do what you want being trans, maybe you just need to work on passing better, all people really care about is how pretty you are if you're a girl so they will mostly accept you if you get on top of that. But for some reason if you do all the same things but say I'm a boy.... less acceptance. Idgi.
I totally understand where you are coming from. These things are hard and gender norms make a very restrictive environment for many people. And going against that is very challenging and it can create societal backlash. That's why finding your own comfort levels and discovering what you can and can't handle is important. For some of us, myself included, it's important that we don't stick out in a negative way or upset others. There is more to this than confidence in itself. I sympathize and hope you find a happy balance that will allow you to feel comfortable with yourself.
One thing I'll say though is that other people will never change. Believe me, I understand why you wish you could as validation and acceptance is what I long for, but you can't make people accept you or change their feelings all the time. Forcing gender roles/expectations on someone for their gender is really unfair and limiting to many people, but I don't think this will change anytime soon. That's not to say that their feelings shouldn't matter or these standards shouldn't matter to you. Nor is that to say that you must detransition and say to hell with everyone. Honestly, it's about finding your own comfort levels and knowing what you feel is best for you in the current circumstances that surround you. That alone is only something you can find for yourself. And I realize this is very hard for you Sad Panda for good reason Sad Panda. It's a very challenging thing you face, especially if you don't live in an area where being a fem guy is acceptable (and hell, even here in NY it's not really so easy). I'm sorry you are in this situation, and I hope you find some sort of happy solution to everything.
In my case, I just have many problems with being trans and don't want to be seen as such. That's why being known or thought of as trans still bothers me a great deal. Also, I care very deeply about what other people think of me. In fact, their feelings are more important than my own. Yeah, I'm a messed up cookie, lol. However, I think most people don't like transgender people or have a very bad perception of us, so that's why I feel so much shame and fear about being trans. Therefore, while our situations differ in many ways, I think some of the core feelings are somewhat similar even if our paths are very different.
Again, I wish you all the luck I can. I really hope you find a happy solution to your feelings, whatever that may be or require.