I went full time Monday last week... so far it has been going really well. Still a bit self-conscious about my voice but increasingly less so (mainly because no one appears to pay any attention to it), it seems that I am able to pass and with each day feel more comfortable with my presentation and my public persona. I still keep my awareness of what's going on around me at a fairly high level of alertness but as far as I can tell, no one seems to be reading me and I am being regarded as female.
In the past my tendency has been to expect the worst (about everything and anything), and frequently was never disappointed. So far though that hasn't transpired and I'm wondering if it's too soon to feel like I've arrived "home"? It sure feels like I have - I've never felt more like myself than I have over the last couple of weeks, but I don't want to let my guard down too much or too soon in case life gives me a big kick up the backside.
Don't know if that makes one jot of sense. :)
Grace,
This is normal.
To be honest acceptance, like passing and transition, is between your ears.
I had an interesting conversation with one of my female staff today who explained how she had to dilate after her second child and vaginal reconstruction. I was explaining my soon reconstruction, Mmm it was treated as normal, I thought I may be 'odd' But I was another woman having vaginal surgery.
Women are women. We know we are. No matter your assigned natal birth gender.
If you need further proof or validation that you are a woman, read your blog and the responses of natal women to you.
Love You
Welcome my Sister
Thanks, hon. :)
I suppose it's not so much that I doubt or don't accept myself - I certainly do accept myself, possibly more than I even realised or expected was possible. I spent the better part of the last 23 years telling myself I "failed" the last time (not true, I know) and that I'd "never be able to make transition work, never ever in a million years".
And yet, I did and I have. Someone pinch me.
All that self-denial that held me back from this life for so long - I'm not beating myself up about it, I wasn't emotionally ready for it 23 years ago, maybe not even 10 years ago or 2 years ago... when I was emotionally strong enough I just moved on it. I guess I'm still a bit startled that I feel like I've arrived after believing for so long that it could never happen.
Quote from: Ms Grace on April 03, 2014, 06:10:03 AM
So far though that hasn't transpired and I'm wondering if it's too soon to feel like I've arrived "home"?
Grace, IMO you were home when you decided "I am a woman." The rest is window dressing. Really. Sure it's nice to have a passable everything, nice to look pretty, but the essence of transition is really just the "I'm a woman" decision.
Will it ever be the case that you'll know that "after now, nothing bad will happen"? Of course not. Occasionally a trans person suffers for their transition, and there will never be a guarantee it won't happen to you. There will always be micro-aggressions unless you're deep stealth, but none of that risk and unpleasantness is any worse than the risks and annoyances that everyone faces every day. Sure every day it could happen that we get cancer, get into a serious car accident, have someone spit in our face for any of a number of reasons. Or we could get clocked or worse. But we learn to live with the risks and enjoy life anyway.
You'll always be making improvements in your life, some related to transition, some not. But that doesn't mean you're not "home" yet. You got there when you realized who you are.
Welcome home, Grace. It's a wonderful place to be. :)
Grace, I am so happy for you... You know how they say a picture is worth a thousand word? Well your new profile picture says it all. I can see the happiness in your eyes and that warm relaxed smile. WOW... I'm not saying life is always going to be a bed of roses, but I can tell from your post and picture that you are a very happy women. Like Cindy said. "acceptance, like passing and transition, is between your ears" and it sure looks like you made it that far for sure.
Go take on the world girl.... You deserve it.
Grace,
When I look at your new profile picture I see a woman. Period. You have arrived home.
Now women need to be careful in this brave new world just because they are women. So, trust your instincts and avoid hazardous circumstances. Take care of you.
Go girl!
Erin
One of the most profound pieces of advice I was ever given about transitioning...
"You start to pass when you stop worrying about passing"
Wonderful Grace. As far as your appearance goes ... you've got nothing to worry about.
You'll learn very quickly that staying "guarded" about your looks and safety is a natural part of your growth as a woman. It becomes an awareness about keeping up your appearance, and concern for your surroundings, while remaining happy in your caution. My therapist was discussing this with one of the girls in Group last night, and she said the same thing to her that she told me last year when I went full time. "Women are always careful, and we're used to knowing how they look, and who or what's around us. It's normal."
Take care, and love life.
Quote from: Ms Grace on April 03, 2014, 06:10:03 AM
I went full time Monday last week... so far it has been going really well. Still a bit self-conscious about my voice but increasingly less so (mainly because no one appears to pay any attention to it), it seems that I am able to pass and with each day feel more comfortable with my presentation and my public persona.
Hi Ms Grace,
You look great in your avatar. Regarding your voice, the problem is we hear our own voice differently to how others hear it. It's booming away inside our skulls and and we think "Help". Years ago, my speech therapist told me it's all about intonation. It's the reason why softly spoken men still sound like men. You say you've had no problem with your voice but just a bit self-conscious about it. That will pass as you get more confident.
Your voice is probably much more feminine than a lot of cis-gendered women, plus you've got the added advantage of looking gorgeous.
Welcome to the rest of your life.
Caroline
x
Thanks everyone, it has helped immensely. For the most part I am fine, it was just a case of the heebeejeebees. It seems that my transition has felt so natural that it is still sinking in that it has "worked". I'm home but almost can't bring myself to believe it...time to relax and settle into and enjoy my new life!
That's awesome Grace.
Quote from: allisonsteph on April 03, 2014, 09:31:58 AM
One of the most profound pieces of advice I was ever given about transitioning...
"You start to pass when you stop worrying about passing"
I like this sentiment, and I think it sums up my experience nicely. The first few times I dared to leave the house in women's attire I was anxious and self-conscious to the point that it threw my whole demeanor out of whack. There was something clearly "off" about me and there were people who clearly picked up on that. Some were, umm, nicer than others. After I made myself venture out with increasing frequency, I noticed I was much more comfortable in my own skin and fewer people clearly noticed me. When I was able to stop caring about what anyone else thought and just went on with my day as if there wasn't an issue, the double takes pretty much stopped. I don't think the HRT worked miracles on my appearance that fast, so it must have been a mental thing.
I don't normally do this, but +1!
i love my voice, looking very female with a deep voice is some times amusing:)
Grace , your doing great. Just sit back and enjoy your life. Everybody at work is supporting you go for it.
Grace, I am so happy for you.
I love your new avatar.
Congrats. It's almost a year for me and there are times...