Hi everybody! This post is kind of a first for me of this nature and I am hoping it will not negatively affect your views of me, but here it goes. I have had a relatively easy time of transition and blending into society as a female. I have been upbeat and genuinely happy with how things are progressing and the acceptance level I have had. It has been really smooth sailing, that is, until last night. I was watching a movie and in it people were at a large formal party having a good time and mingling. I found myself staring at all the beautiful women in their long gowns and being sought out by men for conversation and how they talked to each other so confident and radiant. All of the sudden I started crying uncontrollably and experienced a level of depression not seen since my pre transition days (even then I never cried or showed any emotions). I was suddenly aware of just how old I was and how I would never experience or have any memory of growing up as my true self and the things young women get to do. I would never remember the awkward teen years, dating as a girl, finding myself and thriving, experiencing kinship with other women or carry and have a child. All of these things never happened or will. I will have no memories of being young, beautiful, desired, looking forward to my wedding day or just be totally secure with who I am. This experience floored me and I didn't sleep at all last night. Today I really am just numb and have no idea how to get past this feeling of utter depression and sadness. I suppose I was do a negative transitional experience, but I at least I thought I would see it coming. I am still moving forward with transition, but I feel hollow inside now and hope this doesn't last. I always try to "rub some dirt on it" and get back up, but I cant even get my balance now as the ground was shaken up under me. Any help you can give or guidance would be really appreciated even if it means smacking me in the head and saying "get over it". I just feel really, well, I don't know how I feel. Sorry to bother you all when your problems and lives are far more difficult than mine. I feel so selfish asking for help. :embarrassed:
Huge hug your way. I know the feeling GF.
Isabell
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 05, 2014, 10:24:03 AM... how I would never experience or have any memory of growing up as my true self and the things young women get to do. I would never remember the awkward teen years, dating as a girl, finding myself and thriving, experiencing kinship with other women or carry and have a child. All of these things never happened or will. I will have no memories of being young, beautiful, desired, looking forward to my wedding day or just be totally secure with who I am.
This gets to me too, usually several times a week. Unfortunately I have no guidance to give, but I do have an unlimited supply of hugs so..*HUGS*
Jessica that's just the way you viewed them I highly doubt they felt so confident and radiant about themselves. You can't really know what's really going through a persons mind. Most people wear masks they show to the world to hide how they truly feel about themselves. My only advice is to realize your no less of a person than them and they are most likely going through they're own struggles. Just try not to dwell on what you can't change and focus on what you can which is how you feel about yourself moving forward. Confidence doesn't come from how you were born or raised it comes from knowing who you are and accepting that person fully. :)
Everyone needs help sometimes and has a bad day.
You know exactly how i feel about you n i dont need to explicitly spell it out although i probably will end up doing so lol.. Yeah you did miss out on those feelings and experiences and as much as i wish i could get them for you and fix it i cant but every experience you have had previously is what makes you you. And i wouldnt change that.. You are a beautiful woman now and things will only get better as you go further in your transition and i love you for who you are.
You are finally free now to live your life dont let dwelling on this prevent that. If you want a beautiful ball gown or wedding dress u can have that. Theres a lot of things you can have if you want dont beat ureself up over things you cant or it will eat u up inside. Tears are ok too sometimes but u better have ure waterproof mascara on n keep away from my trainers lol
I love you.. You know that.. N im here for you
J xxxx
Well, someone I know once told me. "That's what were here for is to support each other... Wonder who that was??? Welcome to the human factor sweetie. Even great pillars have cracks in them. Hell, I'm an emotional roller coaster at times. What I try to do is first look deep inside and ask myself if this is good for me. If not I attempt to let it go. I know also that isn't easy to do sometimes. Given we somewhat have a lot in common, I'd bet a good cry and looking what the future has to hold might do the trick. If we look back and go "What if" were not looking in the right direction. Now if we look forward and say "What if", there are endless possibilities ahead... :) :) :)
Love ya Sis,
Veronica
PS: Don't count that wedding day out just yet... You never know what the future might hold... ;D
I'm a very late bloomer. I've struggled with this damn thing since birth. I really have no incentive to go back and live my past over. Basically I've always been who I am, I just wasn't allowed to wear the clothes I should of been allowed to wear. I made it this far without suicide and I'm very thankful for my transitioning now. I might be different because I've never married nor had children and there is no guarantee that if I would of been born genetically correct it would of been any different as far as marriage and kids. I've lived a decent life although in the wrong body. My body looks and feels now like I've always wanted even though I've still got a ways to go. I'm making the most of this short span on this planet. I just came into a little bit of a tax refund and I'm getting some clothes I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get so I'm a happy little camper. Just the here and now is really what's important.. Or as a child of the 60's , just let it be.
My advice?
STOP!
And breathe. And notice all the noises and movement that breathing brings. Look straight out in front of you and really pay attention to the colour, form, texture of what you are looking at. Do this for everything you do for the next 5 minutes, be completely absorbed in what you are doing and only what you are doing.
You are correct that all the things you mentioned are true. Now accept that truth and let it go.
Rosie.
Oh, hugs Jessica. I've had those feelings many times.
But I'm serious when I say that middle-aged transitioners are the luckiest people in the world.
My delight in being a woman and exploring this wonderful world wouldn't be a fraction of what it was if I hadn't had 50 years of maleness to compare it to. Cis women don't experience the euphoria we do when we realize we're living the way we always wished we could.
Hang in there, sweetie. Don't lose touch with the fact that you're a wonderful person who brings joy into people's lives.
Hi Jessica,
I understand how you feel. I'm always getting sucked into thinking about what could have or should have been. I'm also getting better at snapping out of these thoughts when I realize they aren't doing me much good, they're wasting a lot of my time and I just feel depressed at the end of it. You shouldn't feel selfish for asking for help, your positive outlook on these boards has been a real inspiration to me!
Huge hug
Alena
There isn't a fix for feeling like this, Jess. It's not something that you can go back and change. These feelings are going to come if you let them because for us it is a very real sense of part of a life denied us.
However, the key part of that is the words "if you let them". Sometimes it's all a matter of perspective. A matter of the way you view your life. Sometimes I wonder how much do we actually think about how important our gender was to us in the things we have done, other than when we think of all the things we wished we had done. A person we wished we had been.
Perhaps one way to look at it is to think of all the things you've done in your life that you're proud of. All the souls you've touched, all the good you've done in the world. All the little things that make you smile when you remember them. And doing that, keep in mind that you're still that person you were before. You're transitioning now to become yourself externally, but you were always yourself internally - even if that's buried under layers of denial, repression, guilt, no matter what it was. In that sense, everything you've done in your life has been done by a beautiful woman. So you didn't have the same experiences as other women... that's fair enough. But many women don't have the same experience as other women.
Not every woman has had the opportunity to save a life. Not every woman has had the opportunity to make a lasting difference in the world for someone, or many people in your case. There are things you didn't have, sweetie, but there are also things you did have. You had the desire to want to make a difference. You had the empathy, and the compassion to want to help. The presence of mind to know what to do in a tight spot, to be relied on. Trusted. And maybe those aren't things related so much to gender, but they're things that make you someone very special. And someone who, I think, quite a few women would wish they could have done what you've done in your life.
Maybe you didn't grow up being socialised as a girl, or going through puberty as one. But you're doing that now. It's never too late to make up for things like that, sweetie. To reclaim what was lost to you. You are NOT old. Not even close. You have many, MANY more years ahead of you to make new memories, to make your life exactly the way you want it rather than being forced into situations because you don't know any better or believe it's what you're supposed to do.
Jess, your life has given you one very very important thing, sweetie. Self-determination. That, believe it or not, is something that quite a few people would give anything for. The ability to know yourself. To know who you are and what you want. Take that. Use it. Be the woman you always wished you could have been, and inside always were.
Each life is unique. Billions of beautiful flowers in the garden of life. Some open at dusk, some open at dawn, all are beautiful and all take in the energy of the world to be able to function, all bare their innermost petals to the outside. Show your true colours, Jess. Because trust me, they're strikingly beautiful.
*extra big hug and warm smile*
Quote from: Veronica M on April 05, 2014, 10:53:11 AM
Well, someone I know once told me. "That's what were here for is to support each other... Wonder who that was???
Uh, I have no idea! ;D Should have seen that coming as well. ;)
I don't dwell on what could have been at all and know I cant change things from the past. Maybe it was being fairly new (5 months)to HRT or whatever, it was just something that hit me out of the blue and was very intense. Kind of a micro burst of realization, I don't know. I compare it to a vivid dream that wakes you and rattles you for a while. I will be OK and go on, thanks for all the replies and hugs, they mean a lot. :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 05, 2014, 02:05:18 PM
Uh, I have no idea! ;D Should have seen that coming as well. ;)
I don't dwell on what could have been at all and know I cant change things from the past. Maybe it was being fairly new (5 months)to HRT or whatever, it was just something that hit me out of the blue and was very intense. Kind of a micro burst of realization, I don't know. I compare it to a vivid dream that wakes you and rattles you for a while. I will be OK and go on, thanks for all the replies and hugs, they mean a lot. :)
Good to hear... You should have seen me when I shaved my goat and stash off for the first time in 17 years... I cried for a half hour... Looked in the mirror and had this huge double chin... It's nothing diet and the gym can't fix, but I was a total wreck for a bit...
Sorry you're feeling down, sweetie. Grief at coming to terms with not having been born a cis female is not a happy place to be in. I can relate, I had those feelings in spades during my first attempt at transition. The trigger could have been anything. Still remember spending the better part of a bus trip from work crying quietly to myself, just because there were a couple of attractive young women on the bus! I suppose the only small consolation - and it is small - is that we also haven't had to endure some of the truly unpleasant things cis women go through. I know we say we'd want that too, but not even cis women want them, so I doubt we really would them. Anyway I realised that "what if..." and "if only..." were not going to be my friend during this transition so I sent them packing. It really made a difference.
Hope you're feeling back on top of the world soon!
HUG! :D
Big hugs to you from me & Poopie
It doesn't matter what age someone is because we all live with regrets, it's human nature.
When you are transitioning then the regrets are often much deeper but we just need to turn the negative into a positive. I may not have had a girls childhood but I also never really had an exclusively boys childhood, I had "my childhood" & I wouldn't swap those memories for anything (even the bad memories).
I try to live by the Monty Python song "Always look on the bright side of life" so i'll look on the bright side of some ot the points you raised:
Never assume that any experience is out of your reach just because of age, you say you've missed out on finding yourself but we never stop finding ourselves.
You say you missed out on dating but I say you're entering a whole new realm of dating with lot's of fun first experiences & sensations.
Over the years you'll meet new women who will form a new group of friends with which to share female kinship so you won't miss out on that, through life some friendships come & go whilst new ones form & evolve with you as you grow & evolve.
You say you'll have no memories of being young, beautiful & desired, well I have to concede the young part as I don't know how to travel back in time. . . . yet, but if you don't think you're beautiful then you haven't looked at your avatar photo, i'm in no doubt that you'll meet plenty of men over the years that will desire you.
From what you said about the sudden & surprising onset of emotions i'd simply say "welcome to the world of female emotions", I've had a few silly episodes like this since starting E with random things setting me off, the upside is that I always feel ten times better when it passes, it's as if a huge emotional burden has been lifted.
I know this probably isn't worth much, but I just wanted to say that this is the same problem that I have which always sets me off... feeling inadequate compared to cis-women. So you're not alone. It's a common source of distress.
I guess the way I get through it is just by thinking "I'm doing the best I can with what I have to work with." Where sure, maybe life cheated me a bit, and I will always mourn the natural femininity that I could have had... but there's not much I can do about it. And I'd much rather be where I'm at now than where I was when I started. And when I realize that I'm mostly happy with myself now, and can actually smile at my own reflection, where before I couldn't even do that, things don't seem as bad.
Read the book "Half Life" be Shelley Jackson. There's a lot of paralells to being trans, gay, identity politics, etc. in the book. it's all about a woman who had two heads and wants illegal surgery to chop of her unwanted appendage and just be normal. She wants a Half Life. I heavily identify with it in many ways because Im 31 and think of everything that happened before as the past and the future as my real life, my "half life." My best friend said that I should cut off all my old friends and just start over like I want. He's right. He's always right though. He's wicked smart. And hot. Sorry had to put that...
But, HUGS!! :P
Quote from: Joanna Dark on April 05, 2014, 05:27:52 PM
it's all about a woman who had two heads and wants illegal surgery to chop of her unwanted appendage and just be normal.
Wonder what the other head had to say about that? ???
*hugs* It's OK, Jessica. Everyone has down days, and that's OK. One thing that I think is important to remember is that those images are just that - images. You'd be hard pressed to find women who are genuinely that happy and secure in their lives, whether they are cis or trans. I bet even women like you describe (desired, confident-seeiming, etc) would watch a film like that and wish their lives were like that. Just because someone appears happy and seems to have it all doesn't mean they do.
I have always admired how positive and settled you are, and I'm willing to bet there are a lot of cisgender women who would be envious of how much peace you have found with yourself.
Thanks everybody for your replies. I feel a lot better now that I know I am not the only one with these feelings. Please forgive any future freak outs as I hope I learned enough from all of you now to deal with them a little better. My confidence in myself and who I am is still there I just got a little tired physically and mentally and let something affect me that normally would not. I will pay better attention next time and handle it a lot better. Thanks again all as I could not complete my journey without your support! :) Love you all! :icon_hug: :-*
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 05, 2014, 05:55:27 PM
Thanks everybody for your replies. I feel a lot better now that I know I am not the only one with these feelings. Please forgive any future freak outs as I hope I learned enough from all of you now to deal with them a little better. My confidence in myself and who I am is still there I just got a little tired physically and mentally and let something affect me that normally would not. I will pay better attention next time and handle it a lot better. Thanks again all as I could not complete my journey without your support! :) Love you all! :icon_hug: :-*
You'll probably have those same feelings and thoughts again at times, I have them at times myself, they get me down but the best advice I can give you is to do your best to not dwell on it and look forward to the rest of your life as who you truly are. I would say a lot more but others here have already said what I would have said. Btw, I don't think you just needed a hug. ;) *Hugs anyway* (<-- I rarely give hugs out btw) The only other advice I can give is save a link to this thread and read over what people have said here again should you get real down again and can't shake it off.
EDIT: Oh and, try not to worry too much about what others think of you, especially if it means it's what stops you from asking for help.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 05, 2014, 05:55:27 PM
Love you all! :icon_hug: :-*
Better love me the most ;D ;D ;D ;D
Quote from: radsi on April 05, 2014, 06:05:49 PM
Better love me the most ;D ;D ;D ;D
AWWWW! Thank you for the very kind PMs. They helped a lot as well! :)
Big Hugs Jessica,
I know of the feeling of loss for what I have never had too.
I had been following a post and replied about self castration. It bothered me a lot. This morning I dreamed I was walking up a street in the gayborhood and some girls grabbed me and castrated me. I was a child in the dream. I awoke and I could have been 7 with the same feelings as then rushing back. I was devastated. After a half hour I was feeling really bad and thinking this is just too much and the thoughts of ending it all started. After a while the thoughts of my daughter needs me, I want to see the figure in my head on me and I want to grow hair down 1/2 the way down my back started to come in my head. Next, I heard my 1st therapist say, "sweetie you did what you could when you could". I felt a little better and the feelings subsided.
Mourn the loss of not being cis, rejoice you are able to transition, recount all the things your have done well and plan for you future as a girl. Hugs.
Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on April 05, 2014, 07:36:50 PM
Mourn the loss of not being cis, rejoice you are able to transition, recount all the things your have done well and plan for you future as a girl. Hugs.
I will, I promise! :)
Hope it's not too late for a *BIG HUG* :icon_hug:
Sorry you've been down hon. Probably not very helpful but I just wanted to say try not to let some silly movie stuffed with stereotypical flirting and cliche scenarios get you down. Your a beautiful woman with a lot of great experiences ahead of you, I know it! :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 05, 2014, 10:24:03 AM
Hi everybody! This post is kind of a first for me of this nature and I am hoping it will not negatively affect your views of me, but here it goes. I have had a relatively easy time of transition and blending into society as a female. I have been upbeat and genuinely happy with how things are progressing and the acceptance level I have had. It has been really smooth sailing, that is, until last night. I was watching a movie and in it people were at a large formal party having a good time and mingling. I found myself staring at all the beautiful women in their long gowns and being sought out by men for conversation and how they talked to each other so confident and radiant. All of the sudden I started crying uncontrollably and experienced a level of depression not seen since my pre transition days (even then I never cried or showed any emotions). I was suddenly aware of just how old I was and how I would never experience or have any memory of growing up as my true self and the things young women get to do. I would never remember the awkward teen years, dating as a girl, finding myself and thriving, experiencing kinship with other women or carry and have a child. All of these things never happened or will. I will have no memories of being young, beautiful, desired, looking forward to my wedding day or just be totally secure with who I am. This experience floored me and I didn't sleep at all last night. Today I really am just numb and have no idea how to get past this feeling of utter depression and sadness. I suppose I was do a negative transitional experience, but I at least I thought I would see it coming. I am still moving forward with transition, but I feel hollow inside now and hope this doesn't last. I always try to "rub some dirt on it" and get back up, but I cant even get my balance now as the ground was shaken up under me. Any help you can give or guidance would be really appreciated even if it means smacking me in the head and saying "get over it". I just feel really, well, I don't know how I feel. Sorry to bother you all when your problems and lives are far more difficult than mine. I feel so selfish asking for help. :embarrassed:
Jessica, I haven't read through the thread yet. But how you're feeling makes perfect sense as most of us have some regrets missing out on the full experience of being our genders. This is probably more potent for trans women as the first part of a woman's life is far more celebrated than a man's. All the girlhood stuff, young womanhood stuff - far much more is made of this than the same period for a male. It's part society and part nature that this is the case. Though it undoubtedly was very welcome in the pre-birth control eras, nature has created a kind of an age demarcation line for women. Both a blessing and a curse. Men don't have such a clear line and aren't valued for their looks, so don't worry about age or life stage as much. Odd how women would be so concerned with their age and birthdays when they live longer than men! But that's how nature designed.
So what once would have been a very welcome stage for women who had to endure pregnancy after pregnancy and relentless male pursuit has become less kind in our modern times. Women are getting married and having children later making age and time an issue more than it was before. The divorce rate also has women looking for partners at much later ages than before. But the mature woman was never designed to compete with the young and nubile for men (who are designed to mate with the most fertile partners).
Where does this leave trans women who never had the chance to be young and nubile? With probably double the sorrow a post-menopausal cis woman has. Many trans women have expressed the same sorrow over the years here. It's only natural and expected. I think the best thing to do is accept this sorrow as natural and part of nature's and society's design for women. Being trans adds an extra painful element to it no doubt - but many cis women your age are also feeling displaced in modern society's confusing role for mature women.
Ironically, women's lib has kind of erased the role mature women once occupied. And women are kind of left floating in a culture which expects them only to be decoration. The world is still run by men, who of course are designed to place interest only in the most fertile - young 'hot' women, mostly under 25.
Not sure if this helps or hurts. But I will say all this bothers me too as someone raised a woman. As someone who was once a young,
hot' woman I will say that the whole experience is wasted on the young. And being trans no doubt tainted my perception. But yes, being young and hot is the most power a woman will ever have in this world. Sort of equivalent to being CEO of a fortune 500 company for a man. Only much more fleeting and less fulfilling. So, yes coming into womanhood late you're missing the most celebrated part. But it doesn't have to be the best part. Or the most fulfilling part. What a woman really brings to this world is her heart. Her nature. And that lasts much longer than her looks. Her heart, her wisdom, her love, her maturity - the human race would have never survived without her. And not just because of her womb. No matter your life stage, you still have time to be the best of woman.
Thanks FA! It is nice so many people understand what I felt last night. I mean not nice, but I thought I was all alone with the feelings I was having. I do know there are great years ahead and I will not waste a one of them wallowing in regret or what might have been's. :)
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 05, 2014, 10:47:53 PM
Thanks FA! It is nice so many people understand what I felt last night. I mean not nice, but I thought I was all alone with the feelings I was having. I do know there are great years ahead and I will not waste a one of them wallowing in regret or what might have been's. :)
That's great! And yes, I do. I think most people born female could sympathize with this feeling, even if we don't have it to the same extent. For one thing, perfection (along with youth and beauty) is pushed upon females in a way it isn't for males. We as a culture just accept that males have flaws. We don't really accept that women do.
<Gives Jessica the hug she needs today. BIG HUG> :icon_hug:
I think most of us wish we could of some magical fairy godmother would come to us and allow us to live our life as our proper selves from a young age so we can experience all the highs and lows life brings us. However (taking off my literal rose coloured glasses, and puts on a pair of jaded cynical ones). Your former occupation was one where we could legitametly call you one of lifes true heroes. How are you to know that that would occur if fate hadn't delt you the unfortuate y chromosome. What if is a sad and sometimes dangerous game to play
Don't be worried about people looking at you negatively for asking for help
"No man is a island, Entire of itself, Every man is a piece of the continent, A part of the main"
(No Man Is An Island by John Donne
Thats what we are all here for right in good times and bad
I know exactly what you are feeling Jessica - i've been there myself. It seems like this woman thing comes with these sudden bursts of emotions that we don't yet know how to handle. Bit that's OK because we will eventually learn to deal with them just like other women do.
You are probably the most bubbly person on this site and I always, always love the positive vibe that I get from you. It makes me smile.
As far as your lost past - that's true - there is nothing that can be done about that now, but you still can do something about your future. You did have a very interesting past and you can be proud of the countless lives that you saved in your job, which is something that most women can't say.
You got to womanhood but you just took a different route. I know that it's hard sometimes when you begin to consider "what if", but yesterday is over your shoulder and the future lies ahead of you - who knows what the future holds? I know that even though i lost 51 years living in the wrong role the rest of my life won't be that way and I'm looking forward to my future with very little regret for the past.
I hope and think that this funk will pass and you'll be back to your old self soon.
Take care-
~Eva
Thank you for posting this thread Jessica. Just when I was feeling invulnerable, I had a similar experience last night. I needed this too!
Hugs!!!
Hey Jessica,
I read your thread earlier in the day and wanted to say a few things. However, I don't feel I can really offer anything substantial or more informative than what has been said. What I do want to say is that you shouldn't apologize for opening up. You are no lesser than anyone here and your struggles deserve to be shared as well. Please don't feel like you have to be strong for others and not expose your vulnerable side when needed. You are human. You will have ups and downs. And you know what, that's okay. Please don't feel like you have to consistently be there for everyone else but not yourself. It's not fair to you. I don't know. It's just you were apologizing so much for opening up when there was no need to. I just want you to know that you don't have to avoid talking about your own problems in order to be there for others.
Jessica I feel for you. I know I haven't answered much but I've read many of your posts and they've been an inspiration to me. I offer you a big big hug and please know as a middle aged transitioner I know how you feel. I've known I was a girl since I was a kid, and every time I think about all those years I've waisted putting off my transition for one reason or another just to keep other people happy. Ilost the best years of my life to misery and every time I dwell on it it sends me into a funk. Just know that we know how you feel and you are a beutiful woman. You can rock any gown you put on girl! Just know we're here for you. And for all the inspiration your post have given me, hugs, hugs hugs to ya! ;)
Jessica,
You have helped so many people here, including myself. To be honest I was starting to think that you were bullet proof or something. In reality no human is, especially human beings like us. I know that I am not alone in saying that you are an inspiration and seeing you when you are vulnerable only adds to your humanity and makes you special. This is what we all love about you, that you are not afraid to be human. I can see your awesome personality shine through the computer screen every time you type a word and every time you helped me and so many other people here and probably offline as well. Jessica, you are wonderful and it would be a shame if some of that was lost because you lived your life as a female and had all those experiences that CIS females have. Right now you are strong, beautiful, caring, and brave because of the experiences you have had.
You are great and I hope you remember that despite of all the stuff we missed out on. A million hugs from Lara.
We all experienced remorse for not having the life of a little girl, an awkward teen, a blossoming young woman, and then the love, sex and childbirth to complete a cycle of life. But that ended as our transitions progressed. You're already incredibly happy with yourself, so you just need to mourn that life you never had and get past it. Yes, it's called mourning for the girl you should have been, letting her go, and becoming whole in your own being.
Yes this hurts, and I never thought I'd go through it when I started HRT, but it hit me like a brick. I wished I had everything, and half my daydreams wandered into having those pieces of life that never were. Yet those dreams no longer come to me, and I don't think I could even conjure one up (at least not with intensity of meaning.)
I spent yesterday walking around SF at Fisherman's Warf and the Maritime Museum. I saw a few younger women who made me admire their great looks, bodies, or the girlish and childlike approach to the things they were doing. And that's all that happened in my mind, I admired them. There was no envy or jealousy, and having missed that type of life experience never crossed my mind until I began typing this. But it's so odd for me to even think about it, because I no longer seem to care.
You'll get to this point. It just happens as you become the woman you truly are, and grow into the authentic life you've been given the opportunity to live.
Hugs girl. And as for crying ... sometimes we think we're above crying about some stuff. Then it happens. :o
Hugs from Satinjoy... I get really jealous of the cis girls, have to focus on if I have helped anyone and then do a gratitude list. I thought you transitioned long ago and am surprised I am longer on HRT than you. Doesn't matter, but your insights are usually very sharp.
The old saying, it takes what it takes, it happens when it happens, you get what you get,,, and for us there is a lot of hope and a lot of emotion to roll through. All kinds of emotion.
Know you have helped me, more than once. It'll pass. And I think we need to mourn what we mourn, let it pass though us like the wind, and then move on and set sail towards the sunrise, which will be beautiful.
Quote from: kathyk on April 06, 2014, 10:14:11 AM
Hugs girl. And as for crying ... sometimes we think we're above crying about some stuff. Then it happens. :o
As boys we were taught the famous "Big boys don't cry"... I say rubbish! I'm a total sap... I cry at movies, sad stories, if it has any emotional value there I am balling like a little school girl. Happy or sad, I tend to tear up at the drop of a hat. Even as a guy I did it. As I have said before, "Tears are the water on the Wheatstone of life" and I truly believe that. Now that I have finally accepted who I am, I am glad I never was able to block those emotions as some guys did.
As women, it is much more acceptable to cry and almost expected. I kind of like the idea that I can let it out without having to buck up and do the male ego thing. (YUCK) I know I feel much better after I cry about something, and welcome it as it to be a release.
I've not been here long but I read your posts and have massive respect for you. Sorry to hear you had a down day; for some reason it resonates with me. Like whenever I see my mum upset. I'd give her a hug, so I'm giving you the same :)
Hope you're back on your feet and being awesome again in no time.
First, a BIG thank you to everyone for their replies, caring and genuine love! :) :icon_hug: I feel even closer to all of you than before and I didn't think that was possible. The outpouring of support and concern has me crying my little eyes out right now and you know what? It feels good to let it out after bottling in up for so, so long. My whole career and life was about keeping a certain demeanor and being the calmest one in the room at all times, no matter how bad things were. Transition has given me plenty of new feelings and changes I am not used to such as expressing myself and showing emotions. I think being new to all of them is why occasionally I fall apart so badly. I am simply not used to being out of control emotions wise. I have to admit it is a little frightening at times, but I wouldn't trade them for anything as it is so nice not to have to confine them anymore. It feels good to be a real functional human being and that is the biggest reason I know my journey into transition is the correct path in my life. I now also know that I could not come close to success without all of you. I humbly thank all of you for your caring, wisdom, love and the pain you may experience yourself by telling your stories to help me. It means more than you could ever know. Anytime I can help any one of you please don't hesitate to ask and I will do what I can. Together we will all succeed and be who we were meant to be, thriving happy people who are comfortable in their own skin and full of life! :) Again, THANKS!!!
That a girl... Now go iron out that cape... ;D ;D ;D And your very welcome...
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 05, 2014, 10:24:03 AM
Hi everybody! This post is kind of a first for me of this nature and I am hoping it will not negatively affect your views of me, but here it goes. I have had a relatively easy time of transition and blending into society as a female. I have been upbeat and genuinely happy with how things are progressing and the acceptance level I have had. It has been really smooth sailing, that is, until last night. I was watching a movie and in it people were at a large formal party having a good time and mingling. I found myself staring at all the beautiful women in their long gowns and being sought out by men for conversation and how they talked to each other so confident and radiant. All of the sudden I started crying uncontrollably and experienced a level of depression not seen since my pre transition days (even then I never cried or showed any emotions). I was suddenly aware of just how old I was and how I would never experience or have any memory of growing up as my true self and the things young women get to do. I would never remember the awkward teen years,
dating as a girl, finding myself and thriving, experiencing kinship with other women or carry and have a
child. All of these things never happened or will. I will have no memories of being young, beautiful, desired, looking forward to my wedding day or just be totally secure with who I am. This experience floored me and I didn't sleep at all last night. Today I really am just numb and have no idea how to get past this feeling of utter depression and sadness. I suppose I was do a negative transitional experience, but I at least I thought I would see it coming. I am still moving forward with transition, but I feel hollow inside now and hope this doesn't last. I always try to "rub some dirt on it" and get back up, but I cant even get my balance now as t
he ground was shaken up under me. Any help you can give or guidance would be really appreciated even if it means smacking me in the head and saying "get over it". I just feel really, well, I don't know how I feel. Sorry to bother you all when your problems and lives are far more difficult than mine. I feel so selfish asking for help. :embarrassed:
I remember you were the first person to post a response on my intro as a new member to this group. It meant alot. I am the FTM with the wife that is now wanting only a lesbian relationship after being we ME for a long time. I too am older....56 to be exact and always put others first and my job. (I am a detective/Sgt so you can only imagine.) anyway, I too wish I had started all this earlier. It does not seem fair and unless you
lived it no one can truly identify. I love myself but at times all the sadness and what it's build up. Then the one you trusted and built a life wife pushes you aside. Yes, we did miss out on those younger experiences but I try to look forward with a positive attitude. That is all I can do. I feel for you and all of us. Wish we could just have been born the way we should have or started early on transition as a child/teen with support from our families. That would not have been remotely possible for me back then. I was called a monster by my mother because she thought I was a lesbian and it would ruin our reputation in the city we lived in back
then. You are a caring person and reading your post shows that. Just think about all that is out there to explore and know you are not alone with all of this.
Quote from: tap13 on April 06, 2014, 11:30:34 AM
(I am a detective/Sgt so you can only imagine.)
Oh yes! I know what that involves and the loooong hours. SOs just love it don't they when we were out 20 hours a day. The hours are what led to both of my divorces. You know, it was always funny to me how people wanted to be with us while we were in uniform, but then they leave because of what it takes to earn the uniform. Strange people! ;)
Jessica a beautiful, confident, brilliant woman wrote this to me once and it truly helped me.
A big warm welcome to the family Christine! Relax and breathe sweetie because you just found the best place to be in your situation. Why? Because all of us here know exactly how you feel right now. You feel confused, scared, embarrassed, guilty and shamed, did I miss any? See, we know you well and we are here now to help guide you through a lot of these feelings with education and compassion. Most all of us have been where you are right now and decided to do what you did, say enough is enough! Feel free to rant, vent, share good news (we like that a LOT), learn or just have some distracting fun and meet the rest of the family. The information you get here is invaluable because it comes from REAL people just like you at every stage of transition from questioning to Post Op. You will learn the process, what works, what doesn't work and everything in between. Here is a BIG HUG to welcome you and make you feel right at home, because you are now!
Yes that woman was you. So I already owe you one HUGE hug so please take two from me.
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 06, 2014, 11:19:34 AM
Together we will all succeed and be who we were meant to be, thriving happy people who are comfortable in their own skin and full of life!
See, even facing adversity you still manage to say something inspiring that lifts all our spirits up a little. I thank you Jessica for being who you are, someone very special to us all.
Ally
OK, I have to admit shedding "happy" tears now! :) I really didn't think I had made such an impact here like this. All of the well wishes, hugs and yes my own words thrown back at me (giggle ;D) have really pulled me out of the abyss. You all make it hard for a girl to have a bad day or experience and I love you all a bunch! I am so happy I found this great place and count all of you as real family. You have laundered my dirty and depressed outfit bright and shiny new and Cheerleader Jessica is back on the field, just with a longer skirt for the publics sake! I feel renewed and ready to take on the future living for today and not wallowing in "What if Land". I cant change or relive the past, so bring on the future, it has a shock coming! ;D
I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!
Love you too Sweetie... Glad we could help...
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 07, 2014, 02:45:46 AM
OK, I have to admit shedding "happy" tears now! :) I really didn't think I had made such an impact here like this. All of the well wishes, hugs and yes my own words thrown back at me (giggle ;D) have really pulled me out of the abyss. You all make it hard for a girl to have a bad day or experience and I love you all a bunch! I am so happy I found this great place and count all of you as real family. You have laundered my dirty and depressed outfit bright and shiny new and Cheerleader Jessica is back on the field, just with a longer skirt for the publics sake! I feel renewed and ready to take on the future living for today and not wallowing in "What if Land". I cant change or relive the past, so bring on the future, it has a shock coming! ;D
I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!
So good to hear. We all love you too. :D
Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 07, 2014, 02:45:46 AM
I cant change or relive the past, so bring on the future, it has a shock coming! ;D
I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!
Glad to hear you've shrugged off that funk! And of course, We All Love You Too as well! Being 49 going on 50 Jess I have those same regrets from time to time, however they've been less frequent since I found this great website full of support and special people like you. I look forward to reading more of your very special posts that have given us all a little extra strength when we've needed it from time to time. YaY! Jess is back!!
Sweet Jess,
I remember when I first posted my first introductory thread on here.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,160395.0.html
Needless to say your words that fateful life changing day gave me the power I needed to Come Out.
"I can tell you one thing, the feelings you have now will only get worse as the years go by. You would be amazed how much courage you will find when you are living as the person you are comfortable with. So, as I see it here are your choices. Become the real you and live a happy and well adjusted life full of new discoveries -or- live up to every one else's expectations and always carry this secret living with the pain and confusion. It is YOUR life not everyone else's. If people love and care for you they would not leave you because of transition. A TRUE friend would support you and know you are finally happy and free."
Now thanks to that courage you implanted in me, I'm pretty much out to everybody, EVERYBODY WHO MATTERS. Thanks Jessica.