This is mostly a rant so I can vent a little, but input from anyone who's had a similar situation would be nice.
So, my love, Alyssa, never borrowed my things before she came out to me. Even gender neutral things like a blanket, she would gom without rather than just take it. After she came out to me, all of a sudden she's using my stuff without asking. If it were just any random thing I wouldn't mind, but it's my yoiletries and clothing. The clothing does not fit her at all, and I don't want it getting stretched out, and the toiletries just feels a bit gross to me to share. Maybe that's just me, but I'd rather stick my face in an armpit than share my deoderant stick. I've explained to her how I feel about it, and offered to buy her her own feminine branded and scented toiletries to replace the masculine ones she was using before. She said she understood and would get her own things, but I caught her using my stuff again this morning. I just don't understand why she won't get her own instead of using mine. Grrr.
In our house our mentality is that we share everything including germs. Haha I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but it's our reality. We kiss, we share drinks, we share the same living space even when sick, I've snuggled in close even on those particularly sweaty days. So in my mind her using my deodorant isn't going to cause an uproar. Any germs that she could possess I've already been exposed to anyway. As for clothes, I have the opposite issue so I'm not much help there. She wears them sometimes but I'm a much bigger size so there's no chance she'll stretch them out.
But if you are not comfortable with that than she should respect your boundaries. This is a partnership and if she expects you to respect her than she should show you the same in return. For now, until she gets her own toiletries, it might be better for your sanity if you just bought yourself a spare. That way if she is dragging her feet a little, it won't be causing tension between you both.
Ah yes, the sharing. We are right between both of you! We share some things, but not others. I'm ok with sharing nail polish, but not perfume, eye shadow but not lip gloss. Clothes aren't an option since Jesse's bigger than I am, but if I wanted to borrow a sweater I don't think she'd mind. There are these little boundaries that we all have and navigate those throughout our relationships.
Maybe it's a good bonding and learning exercise if you both want to wander out and shop for things together? We found that because our styles and sensibilities differ we can shop for the same things and share how we differ so that we know it's something we don't want to have the same.
Sayra, shopping together sounds like a great idea! And yeah, I could probably stand to relax about sharing some things, it's never really been an issue bewfore, so my first reaction was probably overblown.
There are things my wife and I share and those we don't. Like with your spouse I am a tad too large for a lot of my wife's clothes. However I still have been told many times, "Just ask me first". SHE on the other hand is allways grabbing my stuff w/o asking.
A lot of makeup does not get shared, primarily for hygenic reasons. We swap spit but still try no minimize on germs. Mouths can handle it, eyes sure cannot.
However, if told or asked not to, the other should respect the request. Unless of course you are just living with someone you don't really care about having a relationship with. If that is the case then sure, dis the others boundaries and worry only when the lease is coming up for a renewal and someone may be looking for a new, and hopefully better, room-mate
I think it's pretty disrespectful and darned annoying for her to be doing that, but one of the things about being married is that you're going to annoy each other *sometimes,* so I'm not saying this is a dealbreaker or anything. :) I'm OK with my wife borrowing my stuff when she asks (or I offer), but she's also good about not doing it otherwise. I think it's perfectly fair for you to set those boundaries. If she's not ignoring them on purpose, but just sort of lazy or taking the easy way (my wife does that with a lot of other stuff, the "it's here and I don't want to go find where I put X, so this is good enough" thought process), is there a way to store your makeup away from hers so that hers is easier to grab? Or, since you said you wanted her to *get* hers, I have to admit... you're right, but I wouldn't make this my hill to die on. If I were you, I'd just go buy her everything, and set it up for her. Better the one annoying day than a whole serious of ongoing irritations.
For the clothes, maybe put your favorites in a special drawer or whatever, along the same lines. Make it harder for her to find the outfits you care about, because that IS something that goes beyond merely borrowing - she's potentially ruining things for you so that you can't wear them again.
Hayleigh and I share just about everything we can, for money and convenience sake. We have a few things (deodorant, concealer, etc) we don't share, but that is because we prefer/need different scents/colors etc.
However, if you have asked for your items to be respected, then it should be done. I agree with the thought of just going and buying Alyssa her own stuff. Maybe put it in a cute bag/basket as a "I'm so proud of the changes you are making" gift?
That is a fantastic idea, thank you!
We share deodorant and a lot of things like that. It was never really a deal. We're not sharing a toothbrush, but it happens on accident sometimes:/
Out of respect, I have not and would never borrow any of her clothes, make up or other "girly" things. I have my own and she is welcome to it, but that doesn't happen either. She might take a sweatshirt of mine or something like that and it's no big deal. But I can understand not wanting somebody, even somebody you live with, using your intimate things without asking. I think it's rude to borrow without asking anyway.
I would be pissed if one of my old roommates ever used my deodorant though, that would gross me out.
My wife and I share clothing, shoes, and perfume. We're fine with that. I have my own deodorant stick
Sometimes I mess with her and say that her toothbrush tastes funny.
The other day I "borrowed" my Wife's umbrella to match my outfit. She would not have been fine with this by any means; but since she passed away thirteen years ago I didn't think this would be a problem.
Um... It was a problem, and I ended up having a real cry.
For borrowing stuff both need to agree so there are no injured feelings.
Erin
Last week there were a pair of earrings that would have gone perfectly with my outfit and I couldn't find them even after searching the house for an hour. I found them hours later- on my wife.
I got my "revenge" on Saturday when she kept looking for a solid black top and later found it on me.
We had quite a laugh.
Quote from: ErinWDK on April 09, 2014, 02:33:16 PM
The other day I "borrowed" my Wife's umbrella to match my outfit. She would not have been fine with this by any means; but since she passed away thirteen years ago I didn't think this would be a problem.
Um... It was a problem, and I ended up having a real cry.
For borrowing stuff both need to agree so there are no injured feelings.
Erin
Jeez, I'm sorry. Maybe it was still romantic though, like the sky is crying and stuff. I guess I take it for granted real easily that I have my partner and what we're going through that I never really consider what it would be like to transition as a widow. That's heartbreaking.
When I was 32 I transitioned before and live full time for a little under 2 years. When I cam out to my wife that I was Transgender, she was at first OK with with it and indeed bought me clothes and make up. She put me on a strict diet and weight loos regime and after about 4 months with the HRT we were both a UK size 16. We shared skirts and dresses and outfits, but she insisted that her makeup and underwear were hers and mine were mine, although we did sometimes borrow each others pantyhose or stockings.
Unfortunately we ended up getting divorced as she did want a lesboan relationship.
Sometime later I moved in with a girlfriend and shared an apartment together, again we were of similar size and build although she wear in fact a little bigger than me and her breasts were easily a D Cup, whereas in those days I was barely a B Cup.
However again we shared skirts and some outfits and she was often helping me with makeup and stuff.
So yes its possible.
I love the idea of the box, get some toiletries, make up, and some gift cards. She might like that, use it as a opening to a day of shopping, and mani pedi. Use that as a time to mention that you really dont like her using your things.
Doing that without asking is not good. My wife does the same thing to me with clothes and makeup. I asked her why she did that once. She said that it "made her feel closer to me." I still haven't figured out how to respond to that. Try asking why and I bet it is something like that. She may just want to be close to you.
Hugs,
Jen
It is only all right, if BOTH partners are OK with it.