I think i could be trans, and i am freaking out a little.(Sorry for the some possibly hard to read sentences, i edit, add and delete stuff often which ends up sometimes making the sentences look wtf, plus i am currently in a wtf mood. So because i am certain some sentences might barely make any sense tell me to clarify what i wrote there, it is a lot easier to write something well when it is just a paragraph and not your entire life's story)
But my situation is a little more complicated than usual because i never had a good view for women based on what i show and thus kinda disliked them due to their behavior. That being said i am not exactly misogynistic when it comes to real life and talking with other women, i actually like talking with them more than men since they have more interesting things to say and i can forget about my negative opinion of them, i dont let those feelings interfere with logic. But generally when i think of women INSIDE my mind i dont get the best opinion and thus it could be a major reason i didnt discover that i could be trans earlier in life. Since it is hard to accept that you could be a woman when all you see women do is being emotional wrecks or horrible at their job or a part of their job more specifically. Anyway i ll start with some more in depth analysis about me.
I am currently almost 22 years old(kinda worried about it being too late since it seems hormones are unable to remove the manly face at this age, hope surgery works for that well) 100% gay(or so i thought) submissive bottom. Sexually i am only interested in men, and i am also a sub so i dont use my own penis at all, i actually really dislike it, especially during sex. I often fantasized about being a woman but that was purely sexual and i never felt like I should be one forever. Then later i started thinking that i might want to be a man with a vagina because it would fit me more and it was a way to avoid feeling like i want to be a woman, even with that sometimes i felt fine just being a gay guy even though something tiny just didnt feel 100% right. Because I read a few transgender stories lately and have been exposed to more transgender material I have started to seriously rethink things about myself.
In the past, when i was younger(around 16-17 i think?) i thought i might be trans and almost tried to ask about that in a forum but for some reason i dont remember right now i stopped and then slowly forgot about it.(When i tried writing it back then i had that weird feeling of creeping fear all over my body, just like I do now for some reason).
Now there have been many times i felt like i was a transsexual but i just hated how women acted to admit it and thus ignoring the thought completely but now i started to think more deeply about it. My mother being my main problem. She is a woman i grew up with and i really dislike and even hate her sometimes, as a kid she was always emotional and commanding completely ignoring logic and just doing what she thought it was right based on some outdated close minded beliefs. That was when i was a kid, now the reason i dislike women is because i think of her first. She is a wife, she married my father(who has a pretty good job) which in reality doesnt really love her, he just thinks he is "too intelligent" and that he is just using her like a tool and he is right.
My mother A)does all the house work B)worries about wtf DAD will say if the food isnt ready on time or you havent prepared his coffee C)Does all his f-ing paperwork so in reality, the only thing my father does is work, bring money home and let my mother do EVERYTHING else. Which in turn finally started making my mother feel bad because she FINALLY realized that he doesnt give a damn about her in reality and isnt grateful for all the work she is doing which is causing her some psychological stress issues which makes her whine a lot and obviously stop being in love with him(probably she did that years ago).
I mean the entire relationship is just an epic failure, he is using her to do all his works and throws a few grants to renovate the house when she starts to feeling too bad so she will stop whining at him and she is just there because "muh children" and probably because life is easier with his money.
And even if that was enough enough to make me have a bad opinion of women almost every female teacher i can remember at school was incompetent when it came to managing trouble/noice makers in the back. They just refused to throw the idiots out of class, threatened repeatedly and did NOTHING, getting mad and annoyed and never following up to their threats. Their behavior and what they said was often incredibly inconsistent which made nobody take such women seriously since they know they could change their mind the next class. Not to even talk about how emotional they could get sometimes because of outside influences and bring that in class in form of anger and shouting. Damn, it is hard to have a good opinion of women when all the women i ve seen growing up have been like this.
Now when i think about a woman, i think of her. A completely stupid, silly, illogical being that men dont give a damn about and consider her opinion irrelevant in all discussions. And when many women in this world are portrayed as sluts and manipulative whores or good overly emotional crybabies i think it isnt hard to create a bad opinion of women. So everytime i though about being transsexual i removed that thought since i thought of them, a thing i definitely did not want to become.
But i think that might be my problem, i might be transsexual but i just cant accept that because it would imply i am a woman like her which feels horrible. Especially since i dont know many women dominant personalities(not as in dominant in bed, being the boss of men type) i could relate too, it isnt like i am searching for them though. (There was only one female character i really considered great and she was fictional. She was The Boss from metal gear solid 3, she was an incredibly charismatic and intelligent woman who i mostly considered gender neutral due to her behavior. The confident way she spoke, the things she said, she was truly a great person. I think i could relate more to her in order to feel more ok with myself but still, she is just one FICTIONAL person in a world of some really horrible women). Anyway now a few things about myself.
I have always felt in touch more with girls, they were far more intelligent and didnt act like epicly retarded barbarians that should and fight like idiots and do a ton of other retarded stuff. Though the negative side was some overly emotional girls who are self loathing and pretty much just beg for pity.(I would never ask for anyone's pity, i refuse to stoop that low). Still though even with that, girls are better when it comes to talking and behaving themselves in a good manner.
One of the most important things about the whole issue is that i am not really into being overly feminine. I have started feeling that my male body is wrong and a female one would be more fitting but that doesnt mean i ll start wearing lipstick and "slutty" dresses.
When it comes to the range between male(0) and female(100) i feel like i am around 70, definitely not male but not 100% feminine acting either. I want just to have a female body and still keep wearing similar outside clothes, like jeans and flannels or whatever feels comfortable(definitely not slutty revealing clothes).
My behavior isnt very feminine either, i am a relaxed person who tries to think and find a rational solution to the problem without getting emotional or manipulating men to do what i want using my femininity.
I am a calm and calculating person, i like taking leadership positions and trying to improve the overall effectiveness of the crew by understanding how they feel and when I should help them or talk to them about an issue in a rational friendly way so we can all work well together and improve performance by improving the overall mood on board the vessel.
Technically i am just a deck cadet still studying to get the 2nd officer's license(and sometime become Captain) but i still take leadership positions when it comes to academy projects and i just love talking and distributing roles based on what others like to work with instead of being and authoritative idiot shouting commands while completely disregarding what others like/dont like or how your attitude could make them feel and reduce their performance.(Being a transgender in one of the most male dominated jobs is gonna be hilarious)
My management beliefs though dont mean i am an incredibly caring nice person who empathizes a lot with others. I currently have a few "friends" which i talk about daily stuff etc but we arent so connected to talk about very personal things, i have found it hard to create that bond. I only managed to achieve that with few people in the past since i dont really care or empathize with complete strangers i just met. One of my main characteristics is that i am incredibly independent and dont need much support from others.
Now when it comes to closer relationships I want to be taken seriously like an equal, I dont intend to be the woman who takes care of the house, does every paperwork for the husband who is the only one working and bringing the money home.
I am not sure if i am trans or not, i feel like i would like to be a strong independent woman but it all feels uncertain. I definitely feel like i wouldnt want to remain as a man forever and believe it would be far more comfortable if i was a woman but i want to be certain, i would really appreciate some opinions. I dont really feel comfortable talking about such things in front of people for obvious reasons(psychologists included), at least not currently.
Even if i wanted I live in Greece, one of the most close minded places that are considered "advanced". Well it isnt Israel but still, it is pretty bad.
One more reason for coming here is in the case that i might actually seriously thinking of transitioning and would really like some advice, especially from possible Greek Transgender women that know doctors and the possible required paperwork. Going to a public hospital where doctors might never had a transgender patient and actually consider them freaks and just help them because they get paid just isnt a good idea. I really hope there are some transgender friendly doctors around here.
Thanks
Hey Jessie, welcome to the site! :)
I think that it's good that you can recognise that you don't have a particularly good view of women and have thought about why; I've met a lot of misogynistic people who regard the way they think of and treat women as being totally natural. It may be worth asking yourself if such views are an overall realistic picture or whether they're based on your poor experiences in the past. Perhaps consider that a lot of women tend to be more submissive and unassertive because of the way society treats them. For example, an assertive man is normally considered to be 'alpha' or 'manly', whereas an assertive woman is almost always considered to be 'bossy' or 'pushy'.
You may be interested in a book called Whipping Girl: A Transsexual Woman on Sexism and the Scapegoating of Femininity (http://www.amazon.com/Whipping-Girl-Transsexual-Scapegoating-Femininity/dp/1580051545) by Julia Serano, which discusses why negative views of femininity as being superficial or contrived are founded on sexist assumptions. It may help you to adjust your views (if that is what you are seeking to do).
As for being trans, that's something only you can answer. I'm not familiar with transgender services in Greece, but you will probably want to look up a counsellor or psychiatrist with specialisation in gender therapy. They can help you come to a conclusion about your gender identity and whether or not transitioning is right for you, as well as providing you with resources and assistance if that is what you wish to do. There are also plenty of great resources online as well (including here) which may help you too.
Edit: Typo
Hi JessieWolf :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here join on in the fun
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V M
Quote from: CaitlinH on April 05, 2014, 02:14:24 PM
Hey Jessie, welcome to the site! :)
I think that it's good that you can recognise that you don't have a particularly good view of women and have thought about why; I've met a lot of misogynistic people who regard the way they think of and treat women as being totally natural. It may be worth asking yourself if such views are an overall realistic picture or whether they're based on your poor experiences in the past. Perhaps consider that a lot of women tend to be more submissive and unassertive because of the way society treats them. For example, an assertive man is normally considered to be 'alpha' or 'manly', whereas an assertive woman is almost always considered to be 'bossy' or 'pushy'.
I know, I know. Logically everything makes sense about it, it is just hard to change such silly beliefs overnight. I ll definitely try to check that book or get something that will enforce a good idea of women, and also probably avoid my mother so i can avoid her constant whining and anger issues which really keep reinforcing that negative opinion.
Quote from: CaitlinH on April 05, 2014, 02:14:24 PM
As for being trans, that's something only you can answer. I'm not familiar with transgender services in Greece, but you will probably want to look up a counsellor or psychiatrist with specialisation in gender therapy. They can help you come to a conclusion about your gender identity and whether or not transitioning is right for you, as well as providing you with resources and assistance if that is what you wish to do. There are also plenty of great resources online as well (including here) which may help you too.
Edit: Typo
Ye considering how bad the reputation of Greece is for LGBT things i believe i would be lucky if i manage to find a psychologist with specialization in gender therapy.
Even if I manage to find one sadly i wont be able to start for a number of reasons, at least not until February. Until that time because I dont like taking risks and do some major changes is there anything that could slow down masculinity or increase femininity a little?(I know HrT is bad without blood tests so it is out of the question) I heard herbs work for some people but i would like to hear some opinions based on experience.
Quote from: V M on April 05, 2014, 04:55:16 PM
Hi JessieWolf :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here join on in the fun
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V M
Ah thanks, i was wondering why it felt so limiting. Makes sense.
While I was reading this I kept thinking one very overused and very clichéd phrase: be who you want to be!
So you don't feel your body and mind aren't quite aligned, but you don't want to fall into being some kind of 'hysterical' female. If you ask me I thought they only existed in movies. Same goes for those a-hole kinds of guys. Not all guys are like that, and sure as hell that women aren't all emotional wrecks ;) I think you'll be okay as long as you just keep being Jessiewolf, however you choose to present yourself.
Who is to say you have to fall into either category? Humans aren't items in a store. Be something undefined, if you like, and be awesome about it.