My past was terrible.
My future is great
How do you deal with your past?
I try not to think about it too much
and even though I like to see it as something dark and epic , thinking about it always makes me sad.
I sometimes get down about the fact I could not live as the real me, but it gave me the tools for a successful transition. :)
Quote from: Cindy on April 08, 2014, 07:14:40 AM
How do you deal with your past?
I'm different.
I am my past. I was a man for 50 years, and that history is still with me, as are all its lessons, memories, and relationships. Most of the people I know, knew me as a man. Most of the things I accomplished, I did when I was a man. That's all still part of me.
I've changed a lot since my transition, but I'm still me. I don't see myself as a different person, just one one has gone through changes in circumstance.
Of course, my past was not terrible like yours was. For the most part I've had a decent life and, unlike you, most of the bad things that happened to me were all or in part caused by me.
I'm sorry I should not have posted.
No one can and no one will ever understand. But I have a friend in pain, and his pain transfers.
My chains sound. It's been a long time.
I'm OK
Hugs
Quote from: Cindy on April 08, 2014, 08:05:09 AM
I'm sorry I should not have posted.
No one can and no one will ever understand. But I have a friend in pain, and his pain transfers.
My chains sound. It's been a long time.
I'm OK
Hugs
Cindy - you can post about anything dear - we are here to surround you with love when your chains are rattling. It seems that we all have some chains somewhere.
My past? My old self did the best he could given his circumstances, but he was an unhappy individual. Still he got me to where I am today, and for that I am grateful. Like Suzi said we are all products of our past.
Quote from: Cindy on April 08, 2014, 08:05:09 AM
I'm sorry I should not have posted.
No one can and no one will ever understand. But I have a friend in pain, and his pain transfers.
My chains sound. It's been a long time.
I'm OK
Hugs
I love you hon. :'(
I don't know what it is really. I've been transitioned for years, yet I can't seem to live. I don't know how to let go of my past. I've been trying for years. I keep bringing up these awful issues affecting women and upsetting everyone. I guess because somehow I've realized some of current issues have to do with that. Maybe it got all twisted with me being trans.
Or maybe it's grief. I lost a lot of people the year I came out - my partner, family members. I think that's it's so hard to let 'her' go. Because 'she' had those people and I don't. So I don't know whether I'm grieving her or those I lost. I find myself so upset and so aggrieved that I have so few pictures of her. Because most times I couldn't bear to look at her and feared the camera. But I find myself oddly placed and still plagued by her issues.
Quote from: Cindy on April 08, 2014, 08:05:09 AM
I'm sorry I should not have posted.
Why do you say this? You need support, just like everyone else. You know that bottling pain up does not lessen it. You have helped enough people to know that sharing it can be cathartic. Now is your turn.
Quote from: Cindy on April 08, 2014, 08:05:09 AMNo one can and no one will ever understand.
Maybe. Maybe not. But the people here are the most likely to understand and to be able to empathise.
Quote from: Cindy on April 08, 2014, 08:05:09 AMMy chains sound. It's been a long time.
Yes. I know how that works. :-\
Perhaps you should change your viewpoint. For myself I do not believe that "he died" and "I lived". I prefer to think that there never was a "he" but looked like there was. The outer wrapper was wrong and I am fixing that. There was never a "him" but there was always a "me" just trying to do my best and play the cards I was dealt. It was a lousy hand but I did my best and no one can ever ask for any more than that from me.
Quote from: Cindy on April 08, 2014, 08:05:09 AM
I'm sorry I should not have posted.
No one can and no one will ever understand. But I have a friend in pain, and his pain transfers.
My chains sound. It's been a long time.
I'm OK
Hugs
I'm glad you did post. It's an important topic and it's helpful to see how different people dealt with it.
Your friend is lucky to have someone like you who understands and empathizes.
I know you're OK, but hugs back to you anyway. You deserve them.
Quote from: Cindy on April 08, 2014, 08:05:09 AM
I'm sorry I should not have posted.
No one can and no one will ever understand. But I have a friend in pain, and his pain transfers.
My chains sound. It's been a long time.
I'm OK
Hugs
Go ahead and post. This is your turn to recieve support. The past is a horrible thing to deal with, or at least for me. About the only way to deal with it is to bring the memories out in the light of day and bit by bit work on processing them.
I had some really awful things happen many years ago. I have had anger issues ever since. Hm... there seems to be a connection. This is something I am starting to get to working out with my therapist - after a load of sessions. None of this is easy.
We are all here for you.
Erin
The past is simply that. Nothing will ever change it and worrying about it or beating yourself up over it is futile and pointless.
Forward I go. It's all I can do.
I don't see "him" as dead, "he" was me and I am very much alive. I was sick and slowly dying, but no longer.
I often imagine it would be like David Banner walking up to his own gravestone in The Incredible Hulk. That's how I sometimes think about my "true self", like a comic book character. Until I find a way to bury the "Evil Superman", there will be some kind of inner torment. I have been working on a cure, and it seems like it's working. ;)
Jimmy protected Kim until it was safe for her to come out.For many years she thought he imprisoned her but now realises he was her guardian.Jimmy was an ordinary kid who grew up to be an ordinary man,basically good though he drank too much,smoked too much weed and took speed and sometimes got into fights,(usually to protect someone from being picked on by a bully or thug)Jimmy and Kim were both locked up and only one of them could be released,"It's your turn now,I'm so tired" he said one day.For the first time she noticed how much he had aged and how tired he looked.She walked out of the cell.
I hope this makes sense as it's the only way I could describe it.Sorry if it seems weird
I've dealt with the past in questionable ways. I basically cut everyone out of my life who knew me before, with the exception of family and my ex. I even started going to new stores and other establishments, unless I absolutely have to go to one I used to frequent. When I've had my surgery, I'll take the final step forward and move away.
Although I can't say I'm overly pleased with the time I spent as female, that isn't the problem in and of itself. When people find out about my past, even the supportive ones hold it against me. "Oh, you were once a girl? From now on you are imbued with every feminine quality I can think of!" They just don't treat me the same, and it's like they can't accept that I am 100% man.
If I posted about my past, it would rival the greatest storylines in the best soap operas you've ever seen. But I keep quiet, because... well, because I have to.
For the most part I ignore it. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. I'd have done something stupid a long time ago. It isn't the best approach but it works for me. Doesn't stop the flashbacks but... yeah.
Sorry, I wish I had something better to say. Not really in a good place right now.
QuoteJimmy protected Kim until it was safe for her to come out.For many years she thought he imprisoned her but now realises he was her guardian.Jimmy was an ordinary kid who grew up to be an ordinary man,basically good though he drank too much,smoked too much weed and took speed and sometimes got into fights,(usually to protect someone from being picked on by a bully or thug)Jimmy and Kim were both locked up and only one of them could be released,"It's your turn now,I'm so tired" he said one day.For the first time she noticed how much he had aged and how tired he looked.She walked out of the cell.
I hope this makes sense as it's the only way I could describe it.Sorry if it seems weird
Tears are a rolling!
Cindy, Hugs. You are one of the most selfless and caring persons my path has crossed. Perhaps our pasts help shape our present and future. I have made many mistakes hiding and lying to myself. I am correcting those mistakes and hopefully in a caring compassionate way; compassion begins with self. I did what I could when I could.
I suppose I was in a little different situation in that I never really 'passed' as a guy. I identified as female from very early childhood and throughout my early life everyone knew I was "different". Many probably thought I was gay because I was never interested in girls (romantically or sexually), never dated, and couldn't even bear the thought of anything serious with a girl.
Transition at age 24 was a snap for me because I had been living as a girl off and on for years and within a couple of years I notice that my past was undergoing a bit of a revision. I saw that my response to my childhood was actually that of a young girl stuck in a very untenable situation. An unusual response, certainly, but everything rather fit.
I try to forget my past a lot of the times. Not just because of the transgender stuff but for a lot of reasons. Now I'm not saying I've had it worse than anyone else but my past wasn't an easy one and it still causes me pain from time to time.
Though, that said, my past has helped shape me, my future, and has brought the people I know to me in one form or another. I can never truly forget my past, but I can learn from it, be better because of it, and be grateful for the things I have now vs when I didn't back then.
My past was hectic a whirlwind calm and sometimes very chaotic, it made me the person I am today. If you asked me would I do it all again I would say yes in a heartbeat. The only thing I regret is not having the strength to come out in high school.
The reason why your friends pain transfers is because your his friend and you care, there is nothing wrong with that it means your a loving person who feels for her friends and cares when their down. If all of humanity had these qualities the world would be a better place to live in.
Don't be afraid to post and ask for help when you're down, nobody can and should be expected to asked to carry all the burdens on their own. We may have made the journey from different destinations but we are all making it, so let someone else help you now and then
Just remember while you're here you'll never walk alone.
Hugs
Sadly, I think my past really impacts my future. Had my childhood and been different maybe I would be a strong or normal person. I'll never know. I guess this really impacts me day after day because I've never really grown past these things and understood how to develop as a normal person. One thing I'll say though is that we can;t change it. It will always be what it once was. All we can do is move forward and hopefully that will be more productive than dwelling on the past. Though, sometimes understanding and embracing the past is one of the keys that allow us to move on. Sorry this isn't all that helpful, but it's something that I have a really hard time with.
Cindy, please don't apologize for posting. All of us have our issues and deserve a space to talk about it. You are no lesser than anyone else here. You can be a suportive, helpful and inspirational person while also openly needing support and discussing your hardships.
Thank you my friends.
I'm better today, sometimes we get overwhelmed when the shadows encroach.
I had come off a long phone call from family that was unpleasant. It was accusatory of my care for my disabled partner and it hurt me.
It triggered memories that are better left and that you have all helped me with.
I am a strong woman and I care for others, when I am/was accused of not caring I found it triggering and unpalatable. However I realise that non trans people also have their issues and they too need help and support to deal with their life issues.
We are so lucky, I can post that I am feeling bad and my friends support me. They have no one to turn to.
Thank you all
Cindy
So many wonderful people sounding so sad in this thread, Cindy, Nero, Seph. I will repost this, because it is the most optimistic thing I have managed to say on the subject:
"I haven't the faintest idea who or what I'd be if I wasn't born as I am. All the choices, all the best and worst moments of my life would be revoked instantly. The time that I swallowed a few dozen Codeine pills hoping never to wake up, and the time my girlfriend first told me she loved me. I am a composite... and I wouldn't want to risk altering the mix by ditching an ingredient. I wouldn't want to eat a spoonful of salt, but it goes well in a batch of muffins.
A year ago, ask me if I hated being trans and I'd have said yes without a second thought. It's odd that... the way being post-transition has slowly reshaped my perspective. As it starts to just... hurt less all the time. I'm no longer driven by the overriding concern of "OH MY GOD MAKE THE PAIN STOP." There are certainly still experiences, hell, years of my life that I wish I could just forget, erase, redact... but I'm working on that. On learning to accept that I am all one being, made up of all these things. And that what makes me such a damn awesome person includes even some of my most difficult bits."
That is how I try to see it. Try to remind myself that the bad things led to the good things. That I can't take those apart. That if I rewrote my life I would break everything and I wouldn't have what I have now, wouldn't be who I am now.
But there are the times when I don't even like who I am now. Those days are hard. All I can do is try to get through them.
Sorry I came to this a bit late but glad you're feeling better, Cindy. I'm not sure if I can add anything at this point. I guess the only thing I use my past for is to remember the right way to do things (or a least try and avoid doing them the wrong way again). Bad memories aren't welcome but the good ones are loved and cherished.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=QGnn1IcxuRo (http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=QGnn1IcxuRo)
I had lost all my good youth memories, the ones before alcohol got me, and many during that time too. Somehow the therapist unlocked them and the good flooded in around December. All I used to remember was the pain and suffering. Now I remember some really great stuff, mostly solitary or family moments, I was socially a mess. But that was way better than only remembering the abuse of the school kids, every single day, all the time.
So that is something good, getting the peices that are nice back and nuturing them like a little flower.
I loved the allegory. I get it too, but we both got out of the cell together... One of us is alive and female and inside, and the other is outside presenting in another way, making sure she doesn't get hurt or abused ever again. Because she cannot get out without feeling safe and protected any more. And she can't get drunk to get her courage up either because that would kill her in just a day or so, from alcohol poisoning. Now she is me and how I look doesn't even matter anymore, because I take her everywhere in me, I don't tell her to be quiet, I tell her I love her and she is important and beautiful and has value in this world. And socially I will make sure they don't mess with her ever again. If I get called out and its negative they are going to get one heck of a tongue lashing. I am sick of that crap. Beyond sick.
I am so sorry you are hurting and have been hurt. I hope things continue to get better.
I wrote a letter from old me to new me, and vice-versa. That helped resolve a lot on the torch passing aspect.
Emma, that is a great idea!
Quote from: Emmaline on April 13, 2014, 10:23:10 AM
I wrote a letter from old me to new me, and vice-versa. That helped resolve a lot on the torch passing aspect.
Yes, great idea.