Hello,
The past 5 or 6 months have completely redefined my life, and how I look at myself. The past week or so has been especially bad, I feel awful and alone or surrounded by pessimists, or people who I just can't talk to... and that's why I'm here. So, I guess I'll start from my previous semester in school. I'm studying Theatre, and at the university I attend, there's a huge emphasis on 'being yourself' and 'following your impulses'. I'm sure that's just about how it is most anywhere else, really. I just had this feeling in my Voice and Movement "follow your impulses" class that everything I was doing was made up. Every time I went to class, I dreaded it, just because... I don't know, I was so scared of being myself, I didn't know what to do. To our instructor, I was fine, but I always wanted to be the best I could be in this class. Around the same time, I also just happened to look at some MtF HRT timelines of people, I was talking more to a transgender friend of mine, I played with some voice editing programs, and another transgender friend came out to me. That friend was someone I absently told about the things I'd looked up for ages. Transgender things, voice things... A combination of him confronting me, and this class, led me to really realize that at the age of 23 I had basically been wrong all my life.
The first trans friend I mentioned, he realized at a much younger age, and I started to talk to him all the time. He's the first person I really talked to about it. I remember the first time talking about it. I was shaking so much I could hardly type, I was about to cry. I'm sure I would have if we were talking in person about it.
I don't know if this is normal, but I'd spent the past 4 months or so questioning it. Flipping between completely confident and an emotional wreck... but I've been a lot worse lately. I talked to a counselor at school about it, since it was free and I was sure it'd give me a less biased look at myself. After one meeting, my whole "what is WRONG with me" breakdowns were gone. Replaced with complete confidence. That was like, last Monday... and since then, I've only gotten worse. I mean, technically better. At least I'm really sure of my problem, and I've done so much research (even before I realized) that I have a very general idea of what to do. Of course, keep going to this counselor, or to whatever therapy they recommend or I can get access to... and see what treatments I can get ahold of then.
But I can't hang onto that for long. I can't manage the logistics of the whole thing. I'm still living at home. The only people I've ever told are trans* themselves in some way or another, or don't have a rigid definition of sexuality or gender, or people I knew would be okay with it that I could trust. I don't know if I can tell my family. I don't know what to do there. I need support, for when my emotions get to be too hard to handle. At the very least, if my family knew, I wouldn't have to run to an uninhabited room to cry when I get the feeling. I've looked up the cost of hormones, or heck, just the cost of clothes to play with how I look... I've tried to shave my legs in secret, but all I have to manage that is a spray bottle of water and a manual razor. Not only is the cost an issue, I'm sneaking around my parents and my brother to do what I CAN do. I really, really wish I could tell them, but I don't have a backup plan if things go horribly wrong. If I got kicked out, that's it. If I was met with hostility, that's simply what I'm coming home to for months on end until I can afford to move out.
In addition to that, I feel like I'll never look the way that I want to look. I'm deathly afraid of-- I remember seeing something like this from lurking around on the website-- the whole 'man in a dress' syndrome. Or rather, not afraid that other people will see me that way. I'm more afraid that I'll see myself that way. My reflection's pretty much my worst enemy now. But, I do know that as long as I don't see myself, I usually feel pretty good. Still, every time I see the effects of HRT, or the cost of surgery, or how much work it takes to get your voice right, it doesn't matter how I feel. I usually just fall apart.
I don't know, I need friends who I can talk to who know how I feel. I need to just know what to do. I feel like I'm living life by the moment right now, which isn't going to get what I want done to get done. I've written a tremendously unstructured post here, but that's just who I am along with just having a particularly bad day. I might have made it seem like I haven't thought about it for long, but I think I have. I vividly remember when World of Warcraft came out and my brother let me play his account, that was the precise time I realized that I couldn't stand being represented as a male or particularly masculine character. It's just not 'me'. On his later purchase of Final Fantasy 11, I remember he made my character for me and out of embarrassment I told him to pick the all-male rock race instead of the all-female one... I remember looking at jewelry around the house a lot when I was younger, and it always eventually just 'disappeared'. I remember every time I would look at the bald spot in my leg hair and just touch it, because it was so soft and I liked it a lot more. I just hadn't ever thought about it until recently, and it's gotten really difficult lately.
I can also talk a little bit about myself. I study theatre, after I fell in love with acting my first semester of college. That is to say, after I actually learned anything about the art. There's so much to it, and playing another character just puts me at ease. The more I have to consider and the more I have to do, the better. Theatre and I, we just get along. I've been in a student-directed one-act play this semester, which has been a lot of fun. It was hard at first, especially the whole "Just apply this character's circumstances to your own life" coaching bit I got, where I was thinking, "yeah, about my life, um..." Still, it's gotten a lot easier. It's just killing me lately because the director's vision for this character is that of someone who hasn't recently shaved. So, I've got far too much facial hair and my reflection is an even worse enemy to me. I feel it everywhere, it bothers me, but it's for the sake of theatre. As soon as I'm out of the Saturday show, my facial hair is so gone, and I won't miss it.
I'm also a gamer, but I've been thinking lately that I should stop that. I'm thinking, I've hid in games a lot lately, and I'm not going to get anywhere if I continue to do that. Still, I doubt I'll be able to get rid of them entirely. I like a lot of things like Devil May Cry, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance... but I also absolutely love rhythm games. It's like an instrument I don't have to practice. Pretty much any game is fine for me though, as long as it doesn't try too hard to tell me what to do. I like the learning experience, I like figuring things out myself in games. I also love music, I've messed around a bit with music composition little flash games and software like FLStudio. I was thinking of doing stuff like that more, once I have the time and I'm not distracted by trans issues all over the place. I'm a fairly artistic person, as it turns out. Not so much visually, but I've written a lot about my feelings, I write out game design ideas, I play and improvise a bit on piano, sometimes I dance a bit in public, in reaction to whatever song I happen to be listening to (although honestly, it mostly happens with Tenacious D).
Anyway, I don't know, this has been a really disjointed sort of post, I'm in a lot of ways still sorting out exactly how I feel. I refer to myself gender neutrally for the most part. I don't know if or when I would go full time, but I know that I would rather be feminine than masculine. I hope in my time here or in therapy I can really find myself. Maybe one day I'll have much more hope for the future. As it is, I still live life day-by-day.
I feel like I should ask something so anybody who reads this isn't like "Okay, hi." I've read a bunch on the subject, but I still don't have any idea really... when is it a good idea to tell my parents I've been having these issues? I don't know that they'll kick me out or anything, but I also don't know that they won't kick me out or anything. They're at least not outwardly homophobic or transphobic. I'm too scared to make a move. I don't know that any of my friends would help me if the worst should happen.
Hello! I don't know how much I can help you, being in an extremely similar situation to you, but I just wanted to add some thoughts I've been having since joining. (This is probably going to be one big "me too" post so sorry)
Although I haven't spoken to anyone face-to-face, I understand the whole confident one minute, terror the next. Is it really surprising though? We're standing at the bottom of the biggest, scariest looking mountain ever and wondering how the heck we'll ever get to the top. Yeah, the obsessing about appearance thing sucks but multiplies a hundred times when it comes to wondering if you're ever going to pass. One of the transition videos I saw of somebody who now passes flawlessly says they felt exactly the same and came to terms with not passing beforehand, so really the approach I'm trying to take now is "can I still do this if I won't pass?". It's horrible, and soul crushing to even think you might go through all of this and not pass. I'm not sure I have a choice in the "will I transition?" matter to be honest, I'm 22 and already feeling wiped out by this repression -> realisation -> breakdown stuff. For all the accounts I've seen, the dysphoria doesn't get better, or go away. The effort, time and money required sucks, but it's a fight for your life scenario. Most people seem to think transitioning in your 20s means time is on your side but when your genetics make it quite clear they want you to be a man, it doesn't feel like that at all.
I still live at home too. Telling my mum is the scariest thing I'll probably ever do, so yeah, I'd have a disaster plan in place first. It sucks not knowing how your family are going to react and knowing it'll either be very positive or extremely negative. I seem to have a sudden recollection of "oh, maybe that was my first indicator" things in the past when I'm like this too, but videogames have mostly just been a distraction and something to take my mind off of it - something I'm still using to do so. It'd be nice to stop but there are worse escape mechanisms that dysphoria has driven people to. So I'd say don't worry about that too much if it gets you through some bad moments.
So anyway, hi again. I'm not sure when there's a "right" moment to tell your parents/friends, any time the need to burst out exceeds the fear I guess. Hasn't for me yet, I'm still wrecked by fear, kinda like I know who I am and what I have to do really, I'm just paralysed right now. But I'm trying to draw up a schedule right now of what I'm going to do and when, so maybe getting some structure will help. Hopefully somebody with more courage than I can share what it was like and what finally pushed them out. So yeah, I'm there with you, all I can really say at this point is I know how it feels. Good luck though, you've shown courage by going out and talking to someone about it already. Hope this post hasn't scared you even more :-\
A big warm welcome to the family! It should not take you too long to see that is exactly what we are here.
First, take a deep breathe and relax. You are now among people who can totally relate to all the feelings you have and understand completely what you are facing. This is a safe place full of non judging, caring and compassionate people who want to see you succeed and be happy in your life. We will help in any way possible and you will get a variety of responses to your questions so you can make good informed decisions. You are by no means alone in this so you should not feel any shame, guilt or hopelessness as help is available. Feel free to rant, vent, share good news (we like that a lot), learn or just have some distracting fun and meet the rest of us. All of the information you get here is provided by real people at all stages of transition from still questioning to Post Op and everything in between. you will learn what works or doesn't with tips and suggestions in between. After 15 postings you can use the PM feature to contact any of us directly for answers to questions or just talk about anything. Here is a BIG HUG :icon_hug: to welcome you and make you feel right at home, because you are now! :)
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It's nice to meet you, Izla! Don't worry about the whole 'just another me too story' thing. It's always refreshing for me to read those. I don't know if 'terror' was really the word for before. When I was first thinking about it, it was more of me flipping between confidence and "If this isn't what's wrong with me, what could it be?" I'm not as terrified about what other people will think, as much as I am about trying to match up to my own standards. And, well, a career as well. I do need to meet with someone in the theatre department soon. It's one thing to pass in day to day life. It's a whole other ordeal to pass AND do theatre while you do so. Sure, if I can perform on stage or on film really well male or female, it'd be ideal. I'd be the most versatile actor really. But, acting as I am is already very demanding. There's so much to consider, even in how you walk and stand. In that case, I'm pretty terrified about what other people will think, and I'm pretty sure it'll make what's already a hard industry to find work in even harder.
I'm going to be honest... Depending on the day, I've actually been mistaken for female without even trying. I remember going to a Panera Bread, wearing regular clothes, I hadn't even shaved yet that day, and the people behind the counter called me ma'am. I did wear makeup walking to a friend's house (he knows). It was pretty minimalistic so I could slip out of the house quickly and people wouldn't likely notice, but people driving by were definitely obnoxious. A couple people honked at me. But, at this point I guess I'll take it. In fact, if I am cleanly shaved, as long as I don't talk very loudly, people can't seem to pin a pronoun to me. I've let my hair grow for like a year, I have a shiny colorful flower bracelet I love wearing, and a pair of skinny jeans that are my favorite out of the pants I have. I'm not very subtle, and I don't pay much mind to what other people think of me. I'll probably continue to be that way until it goes horribly wrong. As it is, they're just a couple of stereotypically feminine things that I do or have or wear in just some person on the street... but like, what scares me is if I try as hard as I can to pass, and THAT goes wrong. I couldn't explain why that scares me so much though. I just want to be able to live with myself more than anything else.
And survive, obviously. Having a home, always a plus...
I don't think telling your parents or friends or anything as just an outburst is okay. It seems like there's reason to choose your words carefully. Anyone I told, I never really had the words. I just stammered along until I figured out how to say it. I'm a fairly spontaneous person, honestly. I'm not good at planning, I don't usually plan... and look at me, planning things. My parents are a special case in that way.
Thank you, Jessica! Apart from looking at a part of myself and immediately looking away, trying to put things that bother me out of mind, I really just have bad days sometimes. They're worse more often lately, but that may just be because I don't have anyone to have a good conversation with. I guess also because I haven't really taken any real big steps, so I don't know all of the feelings yet... So I still have a ways to go. If I can get things underway soon, I'll be asking plenty of questions and I'm sure I'll have plenty to sort out. Until then, I'll take all of your hugs and friendships and stories and just be a part of this community. I think that'll help for now. I already feel better. I'm glad I'll have a home here if nowhere else. :)
Hey LThesaurus, welcome to the site! :)
I can certainly relate to a lot of what you write and know how daunting the whole transition process looks. Like you, I'm pre-everything and spent the better part of a year trying to come to terms with who I am and whether transition was right for me. After some counselling with a gender specialist and some self-reflection I came to the conclusion that it's something I have to do, and if you have the opportunity to see one I would really recommend it (although it sounds like your school's counsellor is doing a good job).
Ensuring that you have a backup plan if your parents don't react well is a really good idea. Although it may suck that you have to put transition plans on hold, making sure you've got a place to stay if you end up getting kicked out is really important. Thankfully there's plenty of support here, and you have trans friends who will absolutely know what you're going through.
I've experienced the discomfort of playing a male character in video games in particular, feeling compelled to make one due to societal pressure. These days in MMORPGs I can only play female characters, it just feels wrong otherwise and I just lose interest super quickly. I realised that I was using MMOs as a form of repressed gender expression, where I could look and dress as I feel inside without suffering the stigma that surrounds cross-dressing. The 'man in a dress' syndrome terrifies me as well, scared that I'll always see myself like this in the mirror. I think that's why gaming was such a great outlet for me to express myself, where I could at least look feminine in a virtual world.
Anyway, it's great to meet you! I'm sure you'll fit in fine here; I've been here for under a week and feel fantastic, having made a number of friends already. :D
Yeah, I'm pretty much where you were a while back Caitlin. I haven't met with a gender specialist or anything yet. I just have a number of feelings that make me lean pretty heavily towards mtf. Like, I absolutely know I don't like masculine things, I like feminine things, I just don't know if I would do a full transition. I don't know if I'm necessarily full-time woman or anything like that.
So I'm still conflicted, especially every time I'm told a story about a trans person who regretted transition. I've been talking to plenty of people, and I have a psychology instructor who just offered to find me a good gender therapist to talk to. I had another meeting with the school counselor today, and he basically just listens to me talk. I want someone to help me dig deep, someone to challenge my feelings, someone who is extremely experienced in the subject matter, and has met and counseled a lot of people, and knows all of the usual pitfalls.
I could just talk forever though. It's nice to meet you too. I hope I get to meet some friends here soon as well.