My wife found my Susan's account.
I'm in shock right now, still processing.
I'm at work right now, and as the shock wears off, I'm doing all I can to hold back the rush of overwhelming grief. While I was waiting for some copies to be printed out at the front office this morning, my principal passed by and casually asked how I was doing. He then stopped and asked again when he saw the look on my face; he didn't see my eyes, as I still had my sunglasses on. I choked out, "Problems at home." He nodded sympathetically, thanked me for being honest, and said something consoling.
The students aren't going to notice anything. It's 3 more days to their Spring break, and most of them are already out to lunch.
Here's how it went down:
It wasn't a good weekend. I got home from my Friday night class to find my wife asleep on the couch downstairs. There was a full glass of wine in front of her. When I woke her to put her to bed, she was groggy and mumbly, like she often is when she's just woken. When she woke up more fully, she went on the attack. I really don't even remember what was said. It was the same old refrain.
On Saturday, things were tense. I was out tutoring and running errands until the afternoon. I asked her to come bowling with me, and she did, but she was playing on her phone the majority of the time. I had thought she might want to play with me. After that, we went to dinner and a movie. She went to bed early.
On Sunday, we went to the Renaissance Faire. She was already mad at me because I'd gotten a little buzzed before we left. We went to the faire, in full pirate costume, and had a pretty decent time. About halfway through the day the mood dropped. I think that was due to both of us, honestly.
At the end of the faire, we got separated right near the exit. I waited around, looking for her for a quarter hour before going off to find the car. When I got there, there was a woman who also got separated from her group standing next to her car. We chatted a bit, and she offered me a cigarette. I've only ever smoked cigarettes socially, and could probably count the number I've had in my lifetime. But I was having one right now. That's when my wife walked up and saw me. I could see it in her eyes- the trigger had flipped.
We weren't out of the parking lot before she was screaming and throwing her ring at me. I stupidly dropped it out the window when she did this, leading her to angrily have to find it in the gravel at the side of the road. I shouldn't have done it, but the number of times that my wife has threatened our relationship since the start has been absolutely staggering. When she got back in the car, I said, "If you wanted to keep it, then why did you throw it at me like you didn't?"
Yeah, I was an ass. I'm not blameless.
The yelling continued all the way home, before she finally screamed, "I want you OUT!" about three miles from our place. The car was still moving, but I opened the door to do just that. When she slowed down enough, I jumped out, nearly killing myself in the process. When she pulled over to yell that I was crazy, I kicked a dent into the passenger-side door and she sped off. At some point here, I must have dropped my phone and not even noticed.
As I walked home, in full pirate garb, including a metal sword and a replica flintlock pistol, I stopped at a pub for some food. I don't even know what it tasted like. More than one person, seeing the look on my face, asked the bartender to get me a round. I declined all drinks, and after dinner I started the long walk home.
When I got there the atmosphere was chilly. She was already in bed, but I found my pillows on the floor. When I climbed into bed, she hopped out and stomped off. At some point in the night she came back to bed, I think.
The next morning, she was the first to wake up. Before she left, she came to the foot of the bed and said, "I don't even know you anymore! Sine when are you a smoker? What else don't I know about you? Last year you told me you were a girl-"
I stopped her, and she said, "Whatever. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, but you're my biggest one. I have to go to work. I have responsibilities like an adult. You do what ever you want."
I, of course, have a job and responsibilities as well. Maybe I should not have pointed that out. She stomped off without telling me she loves me.
We went the whole day without communication. Our original plan for last night was to take my 87-year-old nana to dinner in Los Angeles. When I got there at 7:00, my nana told me to call my wife. With a feeling of emptiness in the pit of my stomach, I grabbed the phone and dialed.
After a minute of so of her telling me she didn't want to discuss the matter she had called about over the phone, she finally relented.
"I know your secret, Tegan."
I was speechless. She had opened my ipad, apparently to see if she could use the find-my-iphone app to help me. There's a password, but as she said, I use the same password on everything. When she opened the internet browser, there was Susan's.
She read my intro. She read my posts. She read my messages.
She informed me that she would not stay in a relationship with a woman. It didn't matter that I was questioning, it didn't matter that I'm seeing the therapist soon. She's not nearly as progressive, she said, as she thought. She started to say something about morality before she stopped herself.
Then she kept kind of repeating the same message. She told me that this was worse than cheating. She called me a liar. She told me she wanted a divorce.
I never ended up taking my nana out to dinner. She did hold me, though, while I wept. I drove home feeling like I'd been handed a death sentence. The walk to the door was my green mile.
She was waiting for me on the couch when I got inside. I pulled up a chair and sat in it, like a defendant waiting for judgment.
She spoke almost calmly, but there was a practiced distance in her voice. She informed me that we would live as roommates for now, but for how long she did not know. We would set up my old bed in our extra room.
She said that we don't have to tell anybody about this yet, but that she would not lie about us or what we are either. I guess that means just not bringing it up. She also said that she would divorce me eventually.
She kept calling me Tegan and even Teg. I asked her to stop. It felt dirty, wrong. I needed more time to figure this out. She pointed out that my nails looked pretty, and I again asked her to stop. She said she didn't understand why I wouldn't like her saying these things. I think she understood.
She told me that I was a liar, that I had been intentionally deceitful for our entire relationship. I explained that these feelings only hit hard a year ago, and only resurfaced a couple months ago. I was just trying to figure things out this time around; I just needed some time to figure myself out. I guess my time ran out.
She told me she had called her cousin, who is gay. I told her that I wasn't gay, but she said that she needed a support system. I get that, I guess. She also called our best friends and told them. That's fine. I wish it had come from me, but the point is that they're supportive (at least according to my wife).
We have a blowup bed, which she had inflated in our spare room. That's my room now. She wants to become much more formal about expenses. She reminded me several times that she couldn't say how long this arrangement might last. Certainly if I start hormones or start dressing, then that's probably it.
She told me that she loved me, and I told her that I loved her. She told me that I was a different person. Then she told me that I wasn't in love with her. That hurt. If I wasn't then this wouldn't be so hard.
She says she wants to remain friends., and to be a friend to me I honestly don't know what that means, or how much longer I'll have her by me.
I cannot believe I'm losing the most important person in my life.
I asked if- in the circumstances- I remain as I am; would we have a chance still? She said she did not know. If so, it would require a lot of therapy, and even then she doesn't know.
We sat there a while, as she reread my long intro and even quoted passages at me. It was awful. For both of us, I'm sure.
I have to give her credit. She was calm, and I suppose fair. She asked me not to villainize her here. I don't think I have.
My heart feels like a stone. The tears keep coming and it's all I can do to not them show in front of the students. I really don't know what is going to happen next, what I'm going to do.
It wasn't supposed to be like this. I needed more time.
I already know who I am, but I needed more time to figure out the rest.
My heart is so crushed right now.
Sincerely,
I don't even know
My heart goes out to you and your wife. You are both in a very difficult place, are very vulnerable, hurt and afraid for the future.
Sensing that you are tg, understanding what this means, your options and your needs is by definition a selfish process, a journey that only you can take. It is scary, destabilising and highly confronting. Every person's experience, choices and journey are unique.
In a highly charged situation such as you have described you will be challenged, sometimes attacked and often misunderstood.
While my situation did not reach a crisis point as quickly as yours appears to have - my wife and I, because we fundamentally like and respect each other have progressed in our understanding, respect and communication . At this stage honouring each other's feelings, being authentic and vulnerable, forgiving and communicative will be important. If you have been seeing a counsellor then I would encourage your wife separately and for you both together to seek counselling.
You both appear sorely wounded but there is a way forward, it will be unique to you and to your situation, it will take you both to a better place, tread carefully and deliberately , and move forward. It may mean that you remain together, on the other hand it may mean that you may end up apart. In both situations your relationship can improve and take you both to a much better place.
I hurt for both of you. Many of us have experienced similar pain. Our love goes to you both. It will get better. It always does. The potential irony is that your relationship with yourself and with your wife now has the opportunity to flourish and better meet your respective needs and dreams.
Safe travels
Aisla
My heart goes out to you Tegan.
When someone comes out as trans the people who are close to you will often go through the 5 stages of grief, she may just need to go through that but i'm not going to give you false hope that she'll accept what you're dealing with.
At least she's being honest about how she feels right now but she's dealing with a big game changer, it often takes us years to come to terms with being trans so it shouldn't be surprising that those close to us often struggle with this.
I hope you can both find a happy resolution, if that happens then it will take time.
If things do get toxic between the two of you then don't let any guilty feelings make you sit there & soak it up like an emotional punchbag like I did with my ex, you both deserve to be happy.
Best wishes
Jayne
Tegan
Jayne's response is right on the mark. If you are forced into a position where you have to choose then be kind to yourself. After a period of self loathing and growing self realisation and self acceptance, you do not need or deserve to become someone else's emotional punching bag.
However I am an optimist and believe that language and expectation either help create or conspire to destroy possibility. If you hope and believe that there is a future for both of you in each other's lives then keep that possibility alive and use it as the light to guide your way forward.
Safe travels
Aisla
I'm sorry so so sorry
Hopefully this more formal living arraignment can give you the time and space to figure out what is the best course of action for you. As much as you love your wife you are the one you have to look after first. If we are not ok how can we look after anyone else.
Beware that she doesn't use this as a weapon against you. Not saying you should tell everyone when even you don't know but when we are angry at someone sometimes we do reach for the lowest blow we can looking to do the greatest damage.
I hope everything works out for you. Remember you don't have to put on a brave face for you colleagues and students don't be afraid to yell, scream and cry if they ask why tell them as little or as much as you want. If not you still have us on the forums
Damn I can't even imagine how things are for you right now, I don't think I could survive one yelling match with a partner, much less the level of tumultuousness that you have described as being your life recently. I know it hurts, but perhaps this will lead to a better future, one can only hope.
Stay Strong, we are here for you if you need someone to talk to.
Tegan I am so sorry it happened this way. I really don't know what to say so I will just say I wish you the best. PM if you ever need to talk. :(
Tegan, I am so sorry you are going through this. My wife recently left after a twenty year marriage for reasons way beyond my gender confusion. She has known about that for over ten years. I just know when the most important person in your life is no longer there for you like they were it is the little things that cause the most hurt. I hope you can find a way to heal and then move on. I am still in the process but it has only been 6 weeks. I wish I had some magical tips but I can say that sometimes the only thing that helps me is locking myself in my bedroom away from the kids and crying uncontrollably. Believe it or not it helps me immensely. I know you don't know me but if there is anything I can do or if you just need to vent please feel free to pm me. I truly wish you the best and I will be thinking of you
Tegan - I'm sorry for what happened. You are in a vulnerable spot right now emotionally so you must tend to yourself and nourish your soul.
You did nothing wrong sweetie - you have a medical condition, a birth defect that you are trying to deal with and understand. I know you can't see that now but over time you'll eventually understand what I'm saying.
The coldness and calmness you described is eerily similar to how my wife reacted once she knew I was TS - your description of how she acted sent chills up my spine because it was like I was living it again.
Whether or not she accepts this is her business. All you can do is wait and see. I wish the best for both of you because I know this is a difficult path to walk.
(( hugs ))
Midday, she sent an email saying she wants me out.
I've got nowhere to go, no savings.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm beginning to have dark thoughts.
I am at a loss for words...
Your story is so similar to mine (just take out the pirate costume and the visit to nana) that it gave me flashbacks. I feel your pain, and understand what you are going through.
Relationships ending is never easy. Ending in such a tumultuous fashion is even harder. All I can say is try and stay strong. Avoid drinking and other chemically induced methods of coping. Hopefully as the shock wears off there will be something to salvage in your relationship with your wife.
Other than that all I can say is get into therapy sooner rather than later, and remember that you are part of an amazingly supportive community here on this website, and we will do all we can to help you through this difficult time.
Allison
Tegan,
I'm sorry to read this. Honestly, I wish I had something comforting to say, but please breath in and try not to let every thought crush you all at once. And I know this sounds empty, but I'm hear if you need someone to talk to. I mean that. I'm really sorry.
Teagan - Breathe sweetie. You said that you have a job so that's good - you are not destitute yet. You can get through this. Do you have any friends with a couch that you can sleep on for a few days while you figure out what to do?
Tegan, hang in there and just know we are all thinking of you. You can survive this. It seems hopeless right now I am sure but tomorrow is a new day and hopefully things will seem better then.
Hugs, I am sorry to read your posts. I feel for you and wish you the best. I am at a loss of what to say. I have chills reading your post.
From memory you have told two of your friends can they provide you with a place to stay
Find a therapist now please it doesn't have to be for gender issues just right now find someone to talk to.
It may seem like a good idea at the time but chasing away the pain with drugs and alcohol never works (I know I've tried).
Don't be afraid to lean on and ask people for help right now both on the forum here and outside in your daily life.
I wish I could offer you more words of hope, I'm sorry :icon_hug:
Give her some time and let her come to terms with it. Let her know if she really wants to talk about it you will be there for her. Let her know that you lied not just to her but to yourself as well. She is welcome to take part on the forums as a significant other and I hope she finds a balance that works for you both on this. You are exactly the same person today now that she knows, as you were yesterday when she didn't.
Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on April 15, 2014, 05:56:07 PM
Midday, she sent an email saying she wants me out.
I've got nowhere to go, no savings.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm beginning to have dark thoughts.
Sorry to hear that. What happened about her original proposal to stay in the house as room mates? Maybe you can still get her to agree to that while you try to work things out.
You and your wife are both in shock.
You have been "found out", outed and have a potential of immediate seperation. Your wife found out you are trans*.
If you think you may act on your dark thoughts then get to an emergency room or call 911.
This is the low point and it will get better. I know things are bleak and very difficult but you can get through this.
You have a birth defect. You could not admit to yourself or act upon your feelings and needs. You are the person she married.
I had chills reading your post. If my wife read my posts then I think I would have a similar experiance.
Remain calm and breath. It is all I can say.
all I can say is I'm sorry this has come down like this. Hopefully things will move past the pain. A lot of the members here have been through this and understand.
Idk what to say except I'm so sorry this happened to you. I know you've said before that sometimes she just needs to blow off steam and is best avoided until she does, hopefully this is just another one of those. I hope that when this initial shock is over that you guys will be able to talk and find some way to make things work out ok for both of you. I hope that you are ok and don't do something bad to yourself, please don't. You helped me out a lot when I almost got caught so I'll do w/e I can to help you out now as well. Feel free to pm me or anyone else here if you need to scream or cry or if you're about to harm yourself ok?
I got a quote I gotta give you. "If you're still questioning, the last thing you need is pressure from others to rush this process. Take the time and precautions to allow you to embark on this journey of self-discovery at your own pace. At this time, other people don't matter, so it's good to take precautions to prevent them from interfering." Wonder where I got it from :P . Your secret's out and your wife's made her choice (for the moment at least), so now you need to take the time you need to find out what you want to do, what would make you the happiest.
I really really hope things improve for you soon. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help.
Wow...Sorry about this. Beyond what everyone else has said, I don't think its your Susan's acct. or even that you are trans. If not this, your wife would have found something else to be pissed at you about. She was looking for a reason, a rational for breaking up and she latched onto this.
I donno what to recommend. Maybe she'll cool off. If the relationship is important to you, swallow your pride and (keep) appologizing, accept responsibility, suggest marreage counselling, etc. Keep engaging her. Try to backburner the gender thing, your relationship has deeper problems than that and is just a complication/distraction while its hanging by a thread.
Ouch. I cannot express how awful I feel for you and your situation. Others have already given very good advice and analysis, I shan't add to it.
Please, take car of yourself.
from what i've read it sound like you're both hot-headed individuals. she just seems shocked right now. i think if i was in your position i would probably wait for her to cool off then come out to her in a more formal way. put your feelings of her and your transness out in the open. if she still doesn't accept you try couples therapy. if that doesn't work... i guess she doesn't really love the real you.
sorry this happened the way it did. i can relate to coming out in a harsh manner (my dad found my moms clothes in my room) and i didn't handle it well. we're working it out now but i made it very difficult for everyone. don't make the same mistakes as me. PLEASE pm me, i know a thing or two.
Awww sh_t. Same damn thing happened to me. Wasn't Susan's but email. You know how to get in contact with me, she might know now too, which is OK as far as that goes. You've done nothing wrong, you have expressed your pain, hopes and fears with honesty and without rancor. There really isn't any way that a normal cis woman can get the psychic pain of being trans. Sometimes we, or at least I, ask too much. Maybe sometimes too little, I really don't know. I'm actually tearing up right now, this is so familiar. I hope to hear from you.
Blessings
Julie
Your last thread asking for advice on the situation with your wife prompted me to go back through your history and read your posts. What's happened now is terrible, but not surprising unfortunately. You were flip-flopping on your dysphoria, trying to repress it, and leaving your wife in the dark, and once she found your account, it probably became very clear that an issue that she very clearly wanted to discuss with you for a very long time WAS being discussed, online, with strangers. Details about her relationship with you were exposed to people she does not know, and yet you couldn't be honest with her. As much as you love her, and she loves you, there is a great deal wrong with this picture Tegan. You have brought up the subject in the past with her, but her initial reactions of shock (which was pretty normal) led you to further repression (understandably). Unfortunately, it seems, there wasn't many places it could go that didn't end on this very path.
Personally I think your wife is being extremely unreasonable and unempathetic. You didn't wake up one day and decide to be a badger. Gender Dysphoria is a medical condition that you've suffered with your entire life - hell, you've never even known what it is to feel normal in your skin - and she's been (from what I can tell) the only reason that you have not transitioned already. You have been giving up the only means of happiness - and medical treatment for your disorder - for the chance that your relationship could work. And now it isn't, and she's acting like you're a villain in all this. Yes, you should have been honest and upfront, but seriously, she clearly doesn't get what GID is, nor would I attempt to get her to understand. She seems bitter about the whole thing (again, understandably) but extremely un-supportive. I'd personally want to get away from the situation, but if you don't have anywhere to go, you really should tell her as much and stay home until you can figure out somewhere to go. It takes two to tango, I know, but I don't think you're being unreasonable to want a bed to sleep in and some time to get your life together. It sounds as if you're letting her call all the shots, and from your depressed, exposed, vulnerable position, I can understand not wanting to challenge that - but seriously, haven't you been sacrificing long enough? It's time to put yourself first. Get rid of the dark thoughts and put yourself on a path to happiness. This is a chance to become the person you've always wanted to become.
I'm sorry if I'm being too direct or confrontational, it just sounds like you're in a lot of pain and I want you to be okay. GID is hard enough, but you can get through this, and you can make your life better! Yes, you love her, but if she doesn't accept you for who you are, medical conditions and all, your relationship is not worth holding on to. You will be better off in the long run. The words 'my wife found my Susan's account' sound shameful, guilty even. Susan's is a SUPPORT group for a MEDICAL condition. Would you feel bad if you had cancer, and your wife found your online support group for cancer? It upsets me that culturally the whole perspective on this seems warped because of what's associated with being trans (it also upsets me immensely that people rally to remove Gender Dysphoria from the DSM, but that's a rant for another thread).
I really wish you all the luck in the world Tegan <3 thinking of you!
Thank you everyone, for your kind words of support and understanding.
So, here's an update: She is not kicking me out. She has agreed to give me some time to talk to a therapist. It's possible that transitioning is not in my future (I said that, not her). Forgive me if that makes me sound like a coward or a hypocrite. Although I call myself Tegan here, I'm still very much questioning. I always needed to know for sure, and I still do. This is why I needed time. This is a huge thing to think about, and it terrifies me. K has agreed to give me some time to talk it out with a professional. We're going to discuss it all- gender identity, depression, self-esteem, intimacy issues. Hopefully, we can clear some stuff up.
At that point, we'll know whether I go off to be Tegan alone, or if T and K will continue therapy to work through their communication and trust issues.
After we talked, K and I had dinner together, and even watched tv side by side. It almost felt normal. She even said that it'd be good to have a spare bedroom, implying that she could see a point in time when a second bed would be seen as superfluous.
Please, if that just seems sad to you, try to understand how much I'm willing to do to make sure that I have done all I can to save this relationship. I need to know that I tried everything. I can't have regret.
Thank you all for your concern and support. It has been probably the worst day of my life, but you've all been there for me, and I can hardly put into words what that means to me. Thank you all. I will PM if the need arises. Much appreciated.
Sincerely, T
Good luck Tegan, I truly hope you two can work things out. If not at least I hope you can part with mutual respect and friendship. Remember you are never alone. Hugs from me.
Tegan
It has been a pretty intense 24 hours and you are both in a much better place from which to move forward. You have had to be completely honest with yourself and with your wife and she now has a better sense as to what has been preoccupying you for some time. You now have a solid foundation on which to build.
Full credit is due to you and your wife for getting through this highly emotive and traumatic period. With continued honesty and full communication you now have the opportunity for an authentic and honest relationship
Your situation resonated with so many of us and while every person's situation is unique we understand a lot of that which you and your wife are dealing with. I wish you both the very best and trust that you will be kind to yourselves and to each other
Safe travels
Aisl
Oh my dear precious sister, I was crying reading your first post, knowing that it was the same arguments my wife and I had a month ago... Well, she argued, screamed, yelled, hollered.. I was just sat there, numb. But it was the same thing nearly all of us had gone thru and all of us had the same flashbacks... I am so sorry it happened that way. Shock , anger, betrayal, the first three reactions they feel. Tho we don't deserve some of it, they are feelings we accept as our fault. Time... time alone will begin the healing process.. Will allow your wife to calm down, hopefully begin to realize, we do not -choose- this for ourselves, this is just the way we were made.
I pray for your well being, I pray for your wife's understanding, I pray your wife sees your love for her and the sacrifice you are willing to make to stay together. Mine, I told I would do what it take to stay together, but for her to realize, I may begin to despise myself, and her, for me having to keep this locked inside. You will begin to feel the same .. Make no mistake. It will happen, I hope and pray you and she, are strong enough to weather it.
Time only, will heal the hurt. If she does not understand what you are really battling with inside, find a copy of "True Selves"... Many dislike that book, but the three sections that explain our suffering... Childhood, Teens, and Adults. My wife read it, and, tho is not fully accepting, she at least, understands. And her anger and rage has subsided. Yours, I truly hope, will also.
Hugs for you, hon.. You have so many here who love and support you!
Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on April 16, 2014, 12:59:57 AM
It's possible that transitioning is not in my future (I said that, not her). Forgive me if that makes me sound like a coward or a hypocrite.
This message isn't just for you but for every person on here who decides that transitioning isn't for them, deciding to not transition doesn't make someone a coward or hypocrite.
Transitioning is not always an option for everyone, sometimes it's financial reasons & sometimes it's emotional reasons such as being in love with someone. So long as you are able to live a happy life then just learning to accept being trans is a very hard & brave thing to do.
As i've stated a million times on here "it's your life & only you can decide what's right for you" (& i'll probably say this a million more times over the coming years)
Stay strong, big hugs
Hi Tegan,
Glad to hear that she is willing to try to work things out. I went through this similarly last year. I came out to her before I told my therapist, but things were kinda rocky for 2or 3 months. What helped us was I let her sit in on my therapy sessions so she could hear what IS and my therapist had to say first hand.
I also requested a psychological profile and gender dysphoria test ( this way she couldn't say I was crazy or going through a phase)
Letting her sit in will give her the opportunity to hear for herself, learn and ask a professional question and realise why you are in pain and that you cannot help it.
Im' sure it's a good thing for both off you. It will show in the real world (your relationship) you trust her and are willing to let her into a deeply personal part of your life.
I wish you both the best
Real big hugs Tagen.
I went through this about 18 months ago and I heard all the same words that you heard. My wife found my prescription information online from Inhouse, and confronted me with that. She went ballistic.
As the weeks went by our conversations went on, and she finally told me she wanted to know who I was writing to all the time. I told her it was a trans web site, and we talked for a while without me revealing anything more. But I said maybe I'd let her know some day. Well, time went on and as her anger grew I finally gave her my laptop with Susan's opened up. She read some of my posts for a short time, then closed my computer and said something a little derogatory about me and the other girls on Susan's. That was it.
About three months later she found my online diary and started dropping hints that she knew more about my life than I ever thought. When I asked her if she was reading my diary she admitted to it, but said she'd stop. I just ended my diary instead.
Over the last year our lives have settled down, we've separated, and we're planning on how to best split up our assets. We talk every day, she makes suggestions about my transition, and we have become friends. It's not a real stable friendship, but it's an entirely honest one. I'm getting set for SRS, and she's learned to live without me. Funny how she asked me to move back into the spare room for a month while I'm here in California to arrange my SRS. But that's primarily so I can do yard work.
So much for 35 years of marriage.
Take care Tagen.
Wow, you've been through a lot. No one here is going to think you are a coward. you have to do what is right for you. If not transitioning is right for you, that's ok. Please be gentle with yourself.
Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on April 16, 2014, 12:59:57 AM
Thank you everyone, for your kind words of support and understanding.
So, here's an update: She is not kicking me out. She has agreed to give me some time to talk to a therapist. It's possible that transitioning is not in my future (I said that, not her). Forgive me if that makes me sound like a coward or a hypocrite. Although I call myself Tegan here, I'm still very much questioning. I always needed to know for sure, and I still do. This is why I needed time. This is a huge thing to think about, and it terrifies me. K has agreed to give me some time to talk it out with a professional. We're going to discuss it all- gender identity, depression, self-esteem, intimacy issues. Hopefully, we can clear some stuff up.
At that point, we'll know whether I go off to be Tegan alone, or if T and K will continue therapy to work through their communication and trust issues.
After we talked, K and I had dinner together, and even watched tv side by side. It almost felt normal. She even said that it'd be good to have a spare bedroom, implying that she could see a point in time when a second bed would be seen as superfluous.
Please, if that just seems sad to you, try to understand how much I'm willing to do to make sure that I have done all I can to save this relationship. I need to know that I tried everything. I can't have regret.
Thank you all for your concern and support. It has been probably the worst day of my life, but you've all been there for me, and I can hardly put into words what that means to me. Thank you all. I will PM if the need arises. Much appreciated.
Sincerely, T
I'm really not qualified to speak about this issue because I've never been married and I've wandered for quite some time in the desert .I think to me the more important of the issues is love.
Tegan- Do what you need to do, and trust your gut. Seeing a therapist sounds like an absolutely wonderful idea.
I'm glad to hear she's not kicking you out. It sounds like you might be able to work this out so that everyone is happy. She needs time to accept you, and proof in the form of new positive memories that she can trust you.
Stay strong :)