Hello everyone! I wanted to take some time to introduce myself to the group. One day I hope to go by the name Naomi in public, so I guess that will do for my name here on Susan's. I have been lurking for some time to see if it was true, that there are actually people out there just like me that face the same problems as me. I find this to be a rare place on the internet where I can freely express myself without much criticism. Currently I'm 24 and beginning the process of transition to become the woman I was meant to be, by taking the first step, talking to a psychologist.
A bit about me:
For starters, as many of you here have expressed I have come to the conclusion that life for me needs to change. I was born in this shell that needs to be molted. Since my earliest memories, all I can remember was a great displeasure with my body and hate how I feel trapped inside of it. Being the middle child of all boys in my childhood certainly had negative effect on me expressing my feelings. You could say it was a Disney Frozen moment "conceal don't feel" kind of life for me when I was younger. I did have a wonderful friend that I was able to express myself too and she was very monumental in my life by helping me to understand what I was feeling when I was very young. Puberty was hell for me and in adulthood I remained scared to come out due to the mindset of the small redneck town here in Georgia. Currently I am married to a wonderful woman that I love dear. She has been wonderful to me so far but we've had our moments of conflict.
I almost didn't marry her two years ago, because I told her I was a woman and needed to escape my male body in the nicest way possible. Long story short, it didn't turn out well. I almost lost her, so I tried to put part of my happiness in the back seat, and marry her. In the end I regret marrying her, not because I don't love her, but because I will only end up hurting her. She knows my true self now but I lied and told her "I'm over it." Talk about a lie.... In those two years I have never felt so two faced in my life, its been killing me. I have been fighting a heavy depression a while now as a war rages inside. I look back and remember begging God to "fix" me. Now I feel maybe he's fine with me being who I need to be.
I recently came out to one of my brothers and my father (who is separated from my mother) and only found opened arms and a lot of support. Two years ago when I told my mother, she acted as if I was sick and it would be gone with time... Unfortunately I can't transition in this town. I manage my mother's restaurant and I would instantly kill her business if I transitioned here. Even with this set back, I can still construct an exit plan for when I do decide to escape because my father lives across the world. I just don't want to loose my wife but I know it is inevitable that it will occur. She already told me two years ago that I'm out if I become Naomi. Just as many others have expressed about their wives, she can't stand the idea of being with a woman. Currently I have no kids and I plan to stay kid free just in case. Maybe in the future, I can be the one to have kids (I can only wish...).
Enough of my history.
I'm excited to be here on this forum, there is little to no support near my town for women like myself. This is a great resource. Every time I Google anything with MTF attached, Google links to Susan's! Its libraries worth of information! I hope to post a little here and there but with me being a little on the shy side, I tend to be quiet.
hello naomi! welcome! *hugs*
sad to see that you are in a hard situation, a lot of people are in the same tricky situation that their marriages are in danger, and a lot of these don't end well :-\, however lying about it was a mistake that i'm sure you regret a lot but is going to have to deal with it, but we are all here to help anytime you need :)
i'm sorry about your mother as well, but at least your father and your brother are supportive, and now you are seeking therapy to try to start your journey right? i wish you luck! there are loads of information in susan so feel free to ask any questions you may have
you said a lot about your story, but not much about yourself, what kinds of things do you like? you work in a restaurant? are you just the manager or you like cooking as well? :)
A big warm welcome to the family Naomi! Your story is almost a carbon copy of ours. Just know you are by no means alone and should have no guilt or shame about who you are. You have found the most caring and compassionate non judgmental people you could have. All of us are your family as well and don't ever hesitate to ask for help or get involved here. Feel free to rant, vent, share good news, keep learning or just have some fun to distract yourself when you need it. It is not fair that we have to give up so much to be ourselves, but it was what was handed to us by life and we deal with it. I lost a 16 year marriage and a daughter during transition. I was surprised though by how many accepted me and even helped or wished me well. It is a much different world now then when I grew up. Hang in there and find a good Therapist with gender experience to guide you from here. They are a valuable resource that can be the difference between success and failure. :)
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Hi Naomi and welcome to Susan's.
:)
Thank you for the warm welcomes!
Quote from: SilverGirl on April 17, 2014, 09:42:20 PM
hello naomi! welcome! *hugs*
sad to see that you are in a hard situation, a lot of people are in the same tricky situation that their marriages are in danger, and a lot of these don't end well :-\, however lying about it was a mistake that i'm sure you regret a lot but is going to have to deal with it, but we are all here to help anytime you need :)
i'm sorry about your mother as well, but at least your father and your brother are supportive, and now you are seeking therapy to try to start your journey right? i wish you luck! there are loads of information in susan so feel free to ask any questions you may have
you said a lot about your story, but not much about yourself, what kinds of things do you like? you work in a restaurant? are you just the manager or you like cooking as well? :)
I'm currently set to see a psychologist in Atlanta next week. The excitement is killing me lol! I have been to the same therapist two years ago and she was very helpful. When my wife threatened the relationship, I stopped going. Its a long road ahead of me but this time I will plan my steps accordingly and carefully. I must be able to be me, or I will die (I'm not suicidal but death is the feeling that relates to it the best.) I think a few set backs to me transitioning would be my height and weight. Im 5'11 weighing in at 242. I have managed to bring down my weight considerably over a month and a half from 268. All by eating the same but earlier in the day and drinking only water and a pinch of exercise.
I really don't have interests in many things. I guess it would be easy to say that I like technology and everything about it. Its fun to be able to fix something! In the business I work in, I manage the front of the house, I do have fun in the kitchen from time to time, so I guess you can say that I love cooking! :) Other than that, my musical interest are very strange. I listen to composers and groups like Sigur Ros, Johann Johannsson, Thomas Newman, M83, and Red. You can say that I do stay away from a lot of mainstream stuff. Lately only music has been something I'm able to express interest in due to my 60+ hour work schedule.