So yes, as you can see, some things are going well, others aren't. To start with the bad, some of classes aren't going terribly well, and it's mainly because I have so much going on in my mind. Be it general depression, grieving the loss of my father, or just the real inability to focus on anything, even things I love, not to mention feeling useless, since I live at home, don't work out of depression and self-loathe. Heck, things I used to love, well, they just aren't as interesting anymore, let alone classwork. Classwork is just impossible to get down to these days. Yes, I see a therapist, she's rather concerned about me, and understands where I'm coming from, has written notes to that effect saying I need additional time/help, given the nature of my problems.
Furthermore, I just really hate my body--I know I look really good most times, like in my avatar, with some ugly feelings at times, but still just live life as any of the other millions of Jessicas do. To further expand this, I've gotten asked on Facebook, from people from high school, if I was the wrong name's sister, so something is going right there. Unfortunately, that bit on my body is still there, and I really hate it so. I just really hate it, and need it gone as soon as possible, and a vagina instead, so I feel right. Preaching to the choir, certainly, but when did that ever quell any pain? I just don't know how I'll afford it, between my grades not where they should be, my young age, and a quickly subsiding job market. At least the classwork has an excuse, it was exemplary until this fall, around when my father died, and I still cry quite often over losing him...my deep wish is just to see him again. We were so close, he resolutely supported me, and everything. It has not been well for me with everything else. It wouldn't solve all my issues, but it'd sure solve quite a few if my body was right. Doesn't seem like that will happen until 2015 at earliest, which sounds way, way too far away. My body ensnares me as is, keeping me captive, devoid of emotion, and unable to deal with itself. I just don't know what I can do, because I really need SRS soon, it's hurting me too much right now. Any ideas of what to do? I'm going to set up a funding site soon, but that won't help soon enough, it doesn't seem, if it will at all. Please...I badly need help with this, not sure how much long I can deal with this insanity, torment, anguish, and pain. I'd never self harm, but it's a really deep emotional wound.
On the bright side of things, class thankfully is done on May 9th, and I really only have like 3 days of class left, and 3 exams, none of which are too hard, which is nice, so I can get my mind loose, and free. Also nice is that I started Provera (Progestrone), which has given me some really nice impacts on my breasts; namely size and spacing, if unfortunately a bit of moodiness to my perspective of the world, simultaneously. However, best news is that I'm going to a prom like dance, with a dress, jewelry, hair styling, all made up, you name it, with a guy on Friday. Really looking forward to it, because I get to be made up for the occasion to look really pretty, be with a guy, and just enjoy another rite of passage into womanhood. Totally doing photos for the fabulous thread, because, well, when else am I going to look this amazing, other than my wedding day, right? Hopefully that goes well, because that's a rare thing I have to look forward to. After that, graduation from one of my two majors, my 22nd birthday June 2nd, presenting in Philly for the Health Conference twice over (if you want the names of my sessions, please, let me know in a response of through private message), then a trip to Mexico. I just wish I could view the positives in greater light, given I've been on hormones for about a year and a half, I'm only 21, fulltime for about a year, too, but it just seems impossible these days.
Thank you so much for reading this thread; much appreciated on my end. There's just so many issues at once that it seems overwhelming, as you can see, right? Hopefully SRS is really soon, I really need it, as everything else time will fix, not so my body. If you can respond, you'd be even more amazing in my book, and if you do, thank you for that as well.
~Jessica
Jess there are ways to pay for SRS and other surgeries without paying completely out of pocket even if you don't have an insurance that will cover it.
For myself I am still investigating a medical loan. There's quite a few companies out there that seem to cater to this or medical tourism. I'm no stranger to borrowing money for something that I need now like a car or house so it sounds good to me for when the time comes.
That said Jess, I think that you're pretty awesome. Please hang in there. I think that we all see a bright future for you. And for me that's inspiring.
Jess, hating yourself isn't going to make you feel great about anything, but it will sure make you feel miserable. I understand though, there were times - many years ago - that I hated that part of my anatomy with such passion it's a wonder I didn't end up doing something incredibly ill-advised and dangerous. Luckily I didn't! So yeah, I've still got it - would really rather I didn't - but I've found I can still appreciate myself for who I am, physical 'imperfections' and all...and seriously it feels so much better to love and appreciate myself rather than hate and despise myself. In a year or so I'll hopefully be able to have it "modified" but I want that to be from a place of acceptance rather than disgust or self loathing. Maybe my dysphoria is no longer as strong as it once was, certainly yours sounds rather overpowering at the moment - but I hope you can find some space in your heart to start loving yourself and maybe some of those other issues around study and concentration will start to fall into place. :)
Hating your you know what is not a good reason to get SRS.
What is a good reason in all honesty I am not sure.
SRS really is no walk in the park.
You should do genuine soul searching about it. don't be egged on by those who say you should go for it.
Also a year on hormones is not that long.
You are still very young, do some living first.
They say the loss of your father is life changing more than any other person in your life.
It takes quite a while to get over it. but then you remember him without the grief.
From one Jessica to another, hang in their sweetie! You will get to your goal soon enough. PM if you ever want to! :)
Christine, yeah, my hope is to use student living expenses as such, given I don't have student loans. Medical loans are an interesting proposition, but I don't think I have enough, be it quality or quantity, credit history. I think you're awesome too, thanks for the response! It's very reassuring to hear you think my future is bright--I can only help to inspire others.
Grace, indeed, unfortunately never does make things better, does it? Glad you can appreciate yourself for who you are. I think on some level, there's acceptance in my mind, but not fully so, as I feel incomplete, you know? I think I'll start loving myself more once classes finally end, and my mind will be more free. Hope your journey continues where you want to as well. :)
Victoria, how is that not a good reason? I know I hate it, and that a vagina would give me, above all else, self peace. Yes, it would enable, some items I need for romantic relationships, but that's an absolutely lesser value of it all to me. Nobody is really egging me on, it's just something I've known as far back as my second memory. Interesting about your note on one year not being long. I'm just not sure on that either way, but it seems a lot more changes are happening in year two, if more subtly so, as if to complete the package; salad poured on the dressing, metaphorically. Lots of living to do, agreed...thankfully that's what this year seems it will be for. And yeah, it seems like the loss of my father has really been such a big change in my life. I'm not sure I can get over it, but with similar regard to your message, I think, hope to, reach a level of remembering him without the grief.
Jessica, well, hi, there! It's almost like a mirror, right? Eventually I'll be there...hopefully sooner than 2016, because that seems way too far off. When my date is set with Dr. Brassard, you'll all get frequent, protracted messages from me, be it with my countdown, or updates from the hospital. I will be sure to take you up on the PM offer if need be!
Thank you all for responding, and usually, such is my policy. If you respond, I respond back. Open communication, you know?