A few people have asked me to explain what Gender Dysphoria feels like FOR ME. A lot of people use the term "in the wrong body" which, again, FOR ME, isn't how I feel. This is my attempt to explain how i felt, in a manner i think most people could relate to. I don't want to pretend that everyone has this experience, everyone is different.
Hopefully someone will find it useful.
This explanation came from a dream I had and after I woke up I was compelled to scribble it down.
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Imagine you love singing. Ever since you were little, since your first memories you've always enjoyed it, but you don't just like any singing – you love to sing Soprano.
You love everything about it: the way it sounds, the way the makes you feel, the shivers that go down your spine when you sing. You feel right when you sing Soprano.
You walk into the opera house and you are ready to stand on stage, open your mouth and let the soprano soar.
But the director doesn't want you to sing Soprano. You're told to sing Tenor.
You're a bit confused as to why. You ask him a few questions and he looks at you with an incredulous eyebrow raised towards the ceiling.
"You're not a Soprano – You're a Tenor," he says. "Now go and practice with the other Tenors."
So you go and you practice. You realise you are actually quite good at singing Tenor too. Maybe you were meant to sing Tenor after all. These other Tenors are alright. You get along with them fine but they all seem a little more content than you to be singing Tenor. They are happy singing. Are you happy when you sing? Yeah, you think so. You're a Tenor and this is what Tenors sing.
But you look across the room and you see the Sopranos. You feel upset when you look. You remember what it is like to sing Soprano, the joy you felt. They're all happy to be there, just like the Tenors are. You feel like you're the only one in the world who wants to swap from Tenor to Soprano.
You're weird. No one else wants to swap. No one else thinks of swapping. Tenors are Tenors and Sopranos are Sopranos.
You've heard stories though – you know that people can swap and you've heard how they were ousted from the theatre group. Surely it's better to sing Tenor than to not sing at all? You don't want to be like that. You don't want to lose your friends – the Tenors are a good group. They all accept you. You're one of them.
So rehearsal ends and you go home for the night.
You're frustrated with everything. Why can't you just be allowed to sing what you want to sing? Why the hell are you a Tenor? You know you're a Soprano. You were made to sing Soprano.
You close the door to your room and you hide yourself away. You isolate yourself. Now you're alone you can finally sing. You can sing Soprano to your hearts content. No one will judge you when you're alone. No one else needs to know. You feel happiest at this point, when you are finally free.
But you have to be careful. What if the neighbours overhear you singing? What if your family walk in and you're blasting out Think of Me from Phantom of the Opera. What would they say? You can only imagine. You'd be ostracised. Your singing days would be over.
So you keep your Soprano hidden. To the outside world you're a Tenor. You turn up to the theatre group every day and you sing the lines you are given to sing. You're so good that no one would doubt that you could even dream of singing Soprano.
But there's only so much you can take. You can only stay in role for so long. Living a double life is wearing you down. Lying to the cast becomes too stressful. You only get one singing career and you want to enjoy it. You want to be happy when you're on stage.
And so one day, when you've had enough, when you've sung the part you don't want to sing one time too many, you just give up.
You're not a Tenor. You're a Soprano. There's nothing wrong with you being a Soprano. If others can't tolerate you being a Soprano then it is their problem and not yours. Who are they to tell you what to sing? Who does the director think he is? He doesn't have to be in your shoes, he doesn't have to sing your part.
And so you walk on the stage. Your audience of friends is there. Sweat dripping down your forehead. You open your mouth.
And you sing.
You sing the way you were always meant to sing. You open your heart and you let it all escape. The frustration, the fear, the anxiety, the stress, the lies, the heartache, the tears – they all rush into the air and out into the theatre.
There's a smile on your face as you do it. You almost can't believe it. You're actually singing Soprano.
You dare to look at the audience.
One or two friends to their feet and walk out in disgust, but most are sat there, dumbfounded, surprised. They came to hear a Tenor. They didn't expect this.
But you carry on. You're a Soprano now. The world knows you're a Soprano and no one will ever tell you any different.
And so your song ends.
You tremble, waiting for a reaction. You've never felt so naked, so exposed. You've just bared your soul to the world.
And then a friend in the front row gets to their feet and starts to clap.
And then another, and another. The audience applauds.
And you realise your true friends don't care if you're a Tenor or Soprano. They care if you're happy when you sing.
That was actually pretty amazing
I agree. This is a brilliant story which captured dysphoria so very well. It is one which I will remember and use.
You have a future in story writing. You are gifted.
Aisla
Beautiful. Took my breath away.
Thank you - I hope you don't mind if I use your alliteration (I give credit). I am smearing my mascara right now. May you always sing in the key of joy.
Julie
I'm so glad people like it and by all means please feel free to use it and distribute it as you wish (although credit is always nice )
xx
Honey, I am sending the link to everyone here that I care about. You have captured the essence of the experience of being trans better than anyone I know of. You are as brilliant as you are beautiful.
Peace,
Julie
Quote from: JulieBlair on April 25, 2014, 12:22:58 PM
Honey, I am sending the link to everyone here that I care about. You have captured the essence of the experience of being trans better than anyone I know of. You are as brilliant as you are beautiful.
Peace,
Julie
Oh you are far too kind :)
making me blush lol
Hi,
f_Anna_tastic!
Hugs
Jamie
Your dream should be a benchmark for describing dysphoria. Precious.
Love you.
Jamie
Sigh... as someone who was an AMAZING soprano singer before my voice changed, and who still HATES being stuck singing tenor, (it's just not the same,) this post hit a little uncomfortably close to home.
That was the biggest hell of my entire life, basically having to watch my own beautiful voice disappear, and being powerless to stop it, while I was surrounded by girls who would be able to sing in that soprano range forever just because they weren't cursed to go through a male puberty. And then it happened, and then I was never able to sing soprano again, and I still cry because of it 13.5 years later, and still just can't find the same joy in singing anymore.
So yeah... this post is EXACTLY what dysphoria is like. Except in real life, being stuck singing tenor is a reality. And I still feel like my own singing voice isn't mine anymore. :'(
Really sorry to hear that Carrie :(
xxxx
Your dream was a gift to the community, and thank you Julie for sending me the link- you were right, I teared up.
The problem is that I am locked into the cage, when they found out I was a soprano, they knew the extended family would find out, and they locked me in my study, where I read about other sopranos and dream of the day I could sneak out of the cage.
But in my mind, there are wolves outside the cage, and there a lambs in the family at risk. So I choose to remain caged, watching the others that are free through the bars, jealous, but happy that my little lambs have not been exposed to what happened to me when I was a lamb, when I was fed to those same wolves, but survived anyway, by pretending to be a wolf myself.
As a member of Actor's Equity living stealth as a male, this really hit home. Right now I am struggling to have the courage to present andro, and there is so much wreckage from the past that I haven't figured it out, I suspect however that I am an alto and can sing both tenor and alto comfortably;)
Much blessings. You have gifted us with something special here.
Anna!
I was listening to CBC 1 this morning and this interview came up. The beginning of it got me thinking, you really need to write a book, you have the talent.
Here's a link, there's a podcast you can download.
http://www.cbc.ca/thecurrent/episode/2014/04/28/joy-ladin-life-as-a-transgender-woman-at-an-orthodox-jewish-university/ (http://www.cbc.ca/thecurrent/episode/2014/04/28/joy-ladin-life-as-a-transgender-woman-at-an-orthodox-jewish-university/)
Thank you both for the lovely comments :)
I'm sorry to hear about the cage Satinjoy. I think it is a true love you have shown, a true sacrifice of putting someone else's needs and safety before your own. No one should ever diminish that sacrifice.
And thanks for the link Ellie i will take a listen now!
I have started working on a book, i was thinking of redrafting the above work and perhaps having it as a preface or something.
xx
You can't not include it! The metaphor is SO accessible, and it flows so well, it reads like free verse :)
Beautiful! I got goose bumps and remembered sitting in the tenor section looking at the beautiful soprano's and wishing.
I loved your dream.
And I have some news, I am out of the cage at last, freely self expressing for about 4 days now and taking that risk. The wolves will need to run from the sheep now, I have had it with them.
So many thanks to you for sharing your dream dear, so many thanks.
Am glad you liked the dream :)
Hopefully we can all be free from our cages :)
Thanks for checking back in, and giving me an excuse to reread your words. They are as amazing today as they were then. It is good to open the cage door, and I thank you one more time.
This is the completion of my second week out at work. That was nearly the last cage I needed to unlock. You were one of many guides in my journey and by far, not the least important.
Fair Winds and Calm Seas,
j
I actually related to this in real life. When I was a teenager I sang soprano in church and one time one of my friends complained and as I had done with every time gender issues came up I just went with it. So I forced myself to sing tenor and within a few days my voice changed. I've never been thrilled with the change either.