Hey Girls,
About the day I was supposed to sign a contract on a condo I was buying for myself.. my wife had gone out of town because the therapist thought we needed time apart.
I missed her so much I had a serious breakdown..
So bad that I decided to not transition. I even got a hair cut after I called my wife and said I could not be without her and all that we have together.
I made it about a week and in my next therapy session my therapist asked me a few questions that I had to answer honestly.
I went straight home got my meds and took my shot, spiro and fin.. and transition was back on.
I am walking a line that is hard right now.. thinking maybe I can still stop knowing I can't.. I will never be on T again its just not possible for me to run on it.
I can't act male anymore.. I mean I pass as a guy but you know what I mean.
I love myself.. my female self that is alive now and I can't put it back.
Seems I am super co dependent..but so love being with my wife..
Its complicated..
It just shows how strong the instinct is to transition.. my therapist says its a natural human trait for your true self to want out of the box.
Its amazing how we can fight ourselves.. its a battle that has only one winner.. the female..the true self.
Carrie
*huggles* Carrie. Dysphoria is a terrible burden for anyone to have to carry. I feel for you.
Thanks Jessica,
Its really hard to deny myself.. to the point I just can't.
Now that I accept myself if I try to act male it gets frustrating and makes me upset.
Carrie
I hope everything improves for you Carrie and that your significant other learns to be more understanding of your situation. :icon_hug:
Dysphoria is such an awful feeling and It's worse to have other stressors in your life on top of your dysphoria.
No matter what the cost, it is so very important to be true to yourself and comfortable with yourself. I know that if I wasnt, I would probally be dead right now and no one can benifit from me after that happens. :-\
I'm sorry to hear it's rough for you, but I do hope it gets better. How's everything with you and your wife? Is it getting a little better?
LTL,
Everything is ok with my wife and I as long as she thinks I am trying not to transition.
She said today she does not think the male I was will ever come back and is waiting for me to stop Estrogen again.. and I won't.
So I am going to my Endo on Wednesday.. and heck I hope she ups my E.
I can't give up my chest development and the way my body continues to change.
I suppose this whole thing is just a process that has to be worked through and I knew it would not be easy.
Thanks for caring.. one thing for sure we are not alone..
I met with another person for lunch the other day.. she has transitioned and helps others cope.
She used to be a biker dude.. rough and tuff..now all female. She was encouraging.. very smart like most of us are.
I promised her I would call next time I get to a crisis.. ..wanting to not be here..
I think I am over that though.. I hope.. just to much to like knowing the changes I have to my body.. its when I think I won't transition I get hopeless.
Love
Carrie
Quote from: learningtolive on April 28, 2014, 12:02:17 PM
I'm sorry to hear it's rough for you, but I do hope it gets better. How's everything with you and your wife? Is it getting a little better?
Thanks Athena,
OMG I am trying to be true to myself.. its hard sometimes.. I fight it but know the truth.. I think sometimes I feel I don't have a right to change.. but my therapist told me last week I am not doing this to others.. and especially my wife.. she has known since our kids were little..
Thanks so much for your reply Athena,
Carrie
Quote from: Athena on April 28, 2014, 11:36:06 AM
I hope everything improves for you Carrie and that your significant other learns to be more understanding of your situation. :icon_hug:
Dysphoria is such an awful feeling and It's worse to have other stressors in your life on top of your dysphoria.
No matter what the cost, it is so very important to be true to yourself and comfortable with yourself. I know that if I wasnt, I would probally be dead right now and no one can benifit from me after that happens. :-\
Carrie, I feel your pain. I think I know, my biggest self driven guilt trip during my six year journey of self discovery is what I am doing to my wife, and our future. I would guess at least a dozen times I had my WTF am I doing? Screw the HRT weeks, months. I wish days. Daily was almost a monthly occurrence.
Buying a home is WAAAAYYYYYY up there on the stress scale of life. Freaking out about all sorts of side issues is normal. It is a big commitment just like marriage.
If there is one thing that I learned these past six years is "I know what does not work" Over 30 years of experience I have doing things the not so good way. Yet, in a way, right for me at that time. At this time I know I need to not only acknowledge my female side but to also embrace it.
Yet, my sense of honor, duty, and what is right can be in conflict. I made many promises to my wife. She is or was not too thrilled when I dropped the T-Bomb. Over time she is seeing and reaping the benefits of me being true to myself, as well as to her.
I work hard to brush away the negative thoughts. I don't deserve to be happy. What I want or need is secondary to anything else. On an intellectual level I know the course I am on is making me better, happier, and healthier person. Emotionally.... Major F-up. What a disappointment I am. What an idiot. Like, look down between your legs and what gender are you?????
Which is why I am always saying... I know what does not work
I feel you. I get the sense that you blame yourself for a lot that is going on with you and your wife. At the end of the day, things aren't so black and white. There isn't always a right or wrong person. Your wife may not want you to transition, and I feel for her in this respect, but sometimes there are things that we can't give up on for others. It doesn't make you a bad person nor does it make her a bad person. It's just what the situation happens to be. Don't blame yourself for it and try to change yourself in order to appease others. I do that a lot in my life, and honestly, it doesn't work. If this is truly a sacrifice you can't make, giving up hrt, then that's okay. If she needs to be with a man, than even stopping hrt can't give her that either. Gender is in the mind. I'm not telling you what to do. I've never been married and don't understand all of the things you may be feeling, but I do hope whatever path you choose will be the right one for both you and your wife. Good luck.
I found myself saying "yes" after almost every sentence in your first post!
Hey Jessica,
Thanks for your response.
Seems many of use understand each other..
Carrie